My crush on a straight friend is making me depressed

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 21, 2014 1:33 PM GMT
    I know I've made several posts about this topic before, but I'd like to be 100% honest this time so I can get real feedback and advice from people who may have been or are in the same situation.

    I started working as a Pharmacy Tech a few years ago and there was this guy I worked with who I really liked (as a friend). I always wanted to be friends with him because we got along so well, he was good-looking (although I hadn't had a crush on him yet) and funny. We seemed to have a lot in common.

    Eventually, he left our job at the pharmacy to take over the other small business that he was working at. Before he left, I started to develop a serious crush on him and suggested that he hire me, which he did.

    I started working with him in April of last year, and we've become really close ever since. I've also become really good friends with his girlfriend. They are always telling me how much they love me and how I'm their best and only true friend, etc.

    The problem is that I just love my friend so much, to the point where it's starting to hurt me because I know that it will never be what I want it to be. He's so good-looking and although I'm not out, he will sometimes flirt around with me and make sexually suggestive comments to me, which sometimes gives me false hope that he might be interested in me as well.

    The tough part is that I would never want to do anything to hurt his girlfriend or ruin my friendship with either of them. I love this guy so much that I even fear the day that I have to quit my job (which could be within the next couple of years since I should be graduating then and I'm not making a lot of money), because I know I won't see him as often.

    Whenever he and his girlfriend discuss getting married/having a family together, this anxiety comes over me and I get really depressed (I get the same feeling anytime he mentions other girls that he's fucked). I know that I'm happy for both of them because I love them both as people, but there's a part of me that gets upset because I feel like I will never meet anyone that I feel this strongly about who will be interested in me in return.

    I'm sure if I came out to him, he and his girlfriend would understand and still be friends with me since they both have a gay brother. I just don't know how to move on from these feelings.

    I want to maintain our friendship and not ruin it, because it's a beautiful friendship. He's not an emotional guy, and we went out for drinks a couple of weeks ago and he got teary-eyed when we were talking about how much we cared about each other. He's told me that if he and his girlfriend didn't have 3 brothers between them, he'd make me the Godfather of one of his future children - that's not something I want to just throw away.

    Is it possible for me to remain close friends with him, but somehow overcome my lust/romantic love for him? He's just so good-looking and nice, funny, etc and I know he has some issues, but I feel like if he were gay he would be perfect for me. I feel like there's this unspoken connection between us. I've never met a guy like him who was actually gay, and I'm afraid that I never will.

    What do I do? icon_sad.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Aug 21, 2014 2:58 PM GMT
    signseller saidIs it possible for me to remain close friends with him, but somehow overcome my lust/romantic love for him? He's just so good-looking and nice, funny, etc and I know he has some issues, but I feel like if he were gay he would be perfect for me. I feel like there's this unspoken connection between us. I've never met a guy like him who was actually gay, and I'm afraid that I never will.

    What do I do? icon_sad.gif

    But he isn't--either gay or 'perfect for you'. He is taken.

    1: If you are indulging in sexual fantasies about him, stop.

    2: Stop being a coward and come out.

    3: Stop socializing so much with this couple. You are a 'third wheel' and nearly 'the other woman'.

    4: Begin exploring your sexuality and social life as a gay man.
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    Aug 21, 2014 3:47 PM GMT
    MikeW said
    signseller saidIs it possible for me to remain close friends with him, but somehow overcome my lust/romantic love for him? He's just so good-looking and nice, funny, etc and I know he has some issues, but I feel like if he were gay he would be perfect for me. I feel like there's this unspoken connection between us. I've never met a guy like him who was actually gay, and I'm afraid that I never will.

    What do I do? icon_sad.gif

    But he isn't--either gay or 'perfect for you'. He is taken.

    1: If you are indulging in sexual fantasies about him, stop.

    2: Stop being a coward and come out.

    3: Stop socializing so much with this couple. You are a 'third wheel' and nearly 'the other woman'.

    4: Begin exploring your sexuality and social life as a gay man.


    I agree with everything you said, but I don't feel like a 3rd wheel with them. That's the thing. They make me feel so loved and comfortable even if there isn't a 4th person hanging out with us. They always invite me out with them, it's not like I invite myself (sometimes their other friends come too though).
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    Aug 21, 2014 4:26 PM GMT
    If your truly love him you should want him to be happy and respect his relationship. Not to mention, his girlfriend has been seems like a nice girl. Why would you want to hurt her? The smart thing to do is resign, find a new job and remove yourself from the situation. If they ask why, be open and honest. They will respect your decision and you may even be able to save your friendship in the future when you have found someone of your own. Until then, keep your interactions casual.

    Just my opinion
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Aug 21, 2014 4:34 PM GMT
    signseller saidI agree with everything you said, but I don't feel like a 3rd wheel with them. That's the thing. They make me feel so loved and comfortable even if there isn't a 4th person hanging out with us. They always invite me out with them, it's not like I invite myself (sometimes their other friends come too though).

    W/E, unless they're inviting you to become a ménage à trios, you are *not* apart of their Relationship. They're not going to sleep with you and they're going to make life decisions based on themselves, not what you think or feel about it.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Aug 21, 2014 6:42 PM GMT
    So, find a gay friend to cheer you up!
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    Aug 21, 2014 7:06 PM GMT
    silver_phoenix said
    signseller said but I feel like if he were gay he would be perfect for me. I feel like there's this unspoken connection between us. I've never met a guy like him who was actually gay, and I'm afraid that I never will.

    What do I do? icon_sad.gif


    You got mental problems - something like "sexual obsession" and "ideation".


    That's a bit too harsh, but I am on a similar page (agree with you). So many gay men do this! UGH.
  • carew28

    Posts: 658

    Aug 21, 2014 7:34 PM GMT
    Falling in love with a straight guy is an old, old problem that many of us have been through, and there's no easy answer for it. There's no cure for your feelings. You just need to bite the bullet, and realize that no matter how intense your feelings, he can only be a friend, and nothing more. Try to ease up on your emotions. It's okay to continue to work with him, and to maintain a sort of co-worker type of friendship. Co-worker friendships can also be long-lasting and worthwhile. He sounds like a nice guy. But he and his girlfriend shouldn't be the main focus of your social life. Try to make more gay friends to socialize with. And don't compare or rate them using your straight friend as a standard, cause they'll probably never quite measure up. Just appreciate them for what they are. As time goes on, you'll probably adjust. Good luck.
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    Aug 21, 2014 7:47 PM GMT
    signseller said

    The problem is that I just love my friend so much, to the point where it's starting to hurt me because I know that it will never be what I want it to be. He's so good-looking and although I'm not out, he will sometimes flirt around with me and make sexually suggestive comments to me, which sometimes gives me false hope that he might be interested in me as well.

    The tough part is that I would never want to do anything to hurt his girlfriend or ruin my friendship with either of them. I love this guy so much that I even fear the day that I have to quit my job (which could be within the next couple of years since I should be graduating then and I'm not making a lot of money), because I know I won't see him as often.

    Whenever he and his girlfriend discuss getting married/having a family together, this anxiety comes over m

    Is it possible for me to remain close friends with him, but somehow overcome my lust/romantic love for him? He's just so good-looking and nice, funny, etc and I know he has some issues, but I feel like if he were gay he would be perfect for me. I feel like there's this unspoken connection between us. I've never met a guy like him who was actually gay, and I'm afraid that I never will.

    What do I do? icon_sad.gif
    Wow, sounds exactly like my situation. In love with best friend who I also work with. He was married until last year, got divorced. Started wanting to spend tons of time with me, asked me to sleepover, cook together, watch movies. Would text me sweet dreams. Gives me hugs, kisses, tells me he loves me, etc.

    Then he found a new girlfriend and we spend less time together now. Although we had a sleepover/movie night recently and have gone out to eat a couple times in the past week. I get super depressed seeing them together/hearing them talk about marriage/kids. They fight constantly though, and seem to say they're breaking up every week so I don't really get it.

    As for right now, I've put up with the torture for us to stay friends. It's an absolutely horrible position to be in. But I love him too much to just walk away. The only difference in my case from yours, is my friend has known I'm gay for years and Knows I'm in love with him.

    And everyone is going to tell you to stop being his friend and cut him out of your life. You really just have to ask yourself will you feel better never seeing/talking to him again forever (or at least until your feelings fade), or is living with the pain of loving him so much and knowing he'll never feel the same way worth keeping the friendship.

    I have no good answer for you, as I'm in the exact same position. I go back and forth of whether to tell my friend I can't be friends with him anymore, because I'm too in love with him. But then I just get super depressed over the thought of losing him.

    So I just suffer constantly.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 22, 2014 12:17 AM GMT
    Sorry you're going through this. There's no easy fix.

    I've been through it before and know how miserable it feels. What I've been through was not even at your level, and I was so miserable it hurt. I'm glad I finally got over him.
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    Aug 22, 2014 12:59 AM GMT
    silver_phoenix said
    signseller said but I feel like if he were gay he would be perfect for me. I feel like there's this unspoken connection between us. I've never met a guy like him who was actually gay, and I'm afraid that I never will.

    What do I do? icon_sad.gif


    You got mental problems - something like "sexual obsession" and "ideation".


    Thanks Dr. Phil.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 22, 2014 1:01 AM GMT
    Never crush on straight peeps. It's like crushing on your best friend's spouse. It's just totally OFF Limits.
    Go find your own man that's open to being in your life.
    I did and so can you.

    You guys can always remain good friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 22, 2014 1:04 AM GMT
    carew28 saidFalling in love with a straight guy is an old, old problem that many of us have been through, and there's no easy answer for it. There's no cure for your feelings. You just need to bite the bullet, and realize that no matter how intense your feelings, he can only be a friend, and nothing more. Try to ease up on your emotions. It's okay to continue to work with him, and to maintain a sort of co-worker type of friendship. Co-worker friendships can also be long-lasting and worthwhile. He sounds like a nice guy. But he and his girlfriend shouldn't be the main focus of your social life. Try to make more gay friends to socialize with. And don't compare or rate them using your straight friend as a standard, cause they'll probably never quite measure up. Just appreciate them for what they are. As time goes on, you'll probably adjust. Good luck.


    Follow this advice!!!
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    Aug 22, 2014 1:19 AM GMT
    You need to learn how to keep emotional distance from the unavailable, which you'll master over time. It's good you've recognized the difficult position you're in ... the solution is to gradually pull back emotionally ... find other people and things to occupy your time and mind. I don't think these are the circumstances under which you should come out to him. If you tell him how strong your feelings are toward him he is likely to be uncomfortable around you even if he says otherwise, and you will tend to interpret everything through that possibility, which will probably just make him pull away further. If you decide to come out to him wait until your intense feelings have died away ... which they naturally do over time.

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    Aug 22, 2014 4:33 PM GMT
    sf_swimmer saidYou need to learn how to keep emotional distance from the unavailable, which you'll master over time. It's good you've recognized the difficult position you're in ... the solution is to gradually pull back emotionally ... find other people and things to occupy your time and mind. I don't think these are the circumstances under which you should come out to him. If you tell him how strong your feelings are toward him he is likely to be uncomfortable around you even if he says otherwise, and you will tend to interpret everything through that possibility, which will probably just make him pull away further. If you decide to come out to him wait until your intense feelings have died away ... which they naturally do over time.



    Yeah if I do come out to him, I won't be revealing my true feelings toward him. I think it would only make things worse. I just hope he still accepts me as his friend, which I think he would.
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    Aug 22, 2014 5:01 PM GMT
    Fiyero27 said
    signseller said

    The problem is that I just love my friend so much, to the point where it's starting to hurt me because I know that it will never be what I want it to be. He's so good-looking and although I'm not out, he will sometimes flirt around with me and make sexually suggestive comments to me, which sometimes gives me false hope that he might be interested in me as well.

    The tough part is that I would never want to do anything to hurt his girlfriend or ruin my friendship with either of them. I love this guy so much that I even fear the day that I have to quit my job (which could be within the next couple of years since I should be graduating then and I'm not making a lot of money), because I know I won't see him as often.

    Whenever he and his girlfriend discuss getting married/having a family together, this anxiety comes over m

    Is it possible for me to remain close friends with him, but somehow overcome my lust/romantic love for him? He's just so good-looking and nice, funny, etc and I know he has some issues, but I feel like if he were gay he would be perfect for me. I feel like there's this unspoken connection between us. I've never met a guy like him who was actually gay, and I'm afraid that I never will.

    What do I do? icon_sad.gif
    Wow, sounds exactly like my situation. In love with best friend who I also work with. He was married until last year, got divorced. Started wanting to spend tons of time with me, asked me to sleepover, cook together, watch movies. Would text me sweet dreams. Gives me hugs, kisses, tells me he loves me, etc.

    Then he found a new girlfriend and we spend less time together now. Although we had a sleepover/movie night recently and have gone out to eat a couple times in the past week. I get super depressed seeing them together/hearing them talk about marriage/kids. They fight constantly though, and seem to say they're breaking up every week so I don't really get it.

    As for right now, I've put up with the torture for us to stay friends. It's an absolutely horrible position to be in. But I love him too much to just walk away. The only difference in my case from yours, is my friend has known I'm gay for years and Knows I'm in love with him.

    And everyone is going to tell you to stop being his friend and cut him out of your life. You really just have to ask yourself will you feel better never seeing/talking to him again forever (or at least until your feelings fade), or is living with the pain of loving him so much and knowing he'll never feel the same way worth keeping the friendship.

    I have no good answer for you, as I'm in the exact same position. I go back and forth of whether to tell my friend I can't be friends with him anymore, because I'm too in love with him. But then I just get super depressed over the thought of losing him.

    So I just suffer constantly.

    Fiyero - does this friend know that you are gay (since you are in theater, he may at least assume you are) - and still does the kissing routine with you? Doesn't seem like the behaviour of a good friend. Considered asking him to stop, because it turns you on (whether it does or not)? If you like guys, you need to find a gay guy to love.
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    Aug 22, 2014 5:04 PM GMT
    signseller said
    sf_swimmer saidYou need to learn how to keep emotional distance from the unavailable, which you'll master over time. It's good you've recognized the difficult position you're in ... the solution is to gradually pull back emotionally ... find other people and things to occupy your time and mind. I don't think these are the circumstances under which you should come out to him. If you tell him how strong your feelings are toward him he is likely to be uncomfortable around you even if he says otherwise, and you will tend to interpret everything through that possibility, which will probably just make him pull away further. If you decide to come out to him wait until your intense feelings have died away ... which they naturally do over time.



    Yeah if I do come out to him, I won't be revealing my true feelings toward him. I think it would only make things worse. I just hope he still accepts me as his friend, which I think he would.

    No, you don't have to "reveal your true feelings to him." You can just tell him you are gay (whether or not you consider yourself totally "gay"), and leave it at that.
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    Aug 22, 2014 5:09 PM GMT
    Sweetooth said
    silver_phoenix said
    signseller said but I feel like if he were gay he would be perfect for me. I feel like there's this unspoken connection between us. I've never met a guy like him who was actually gay, and I'm afraid that I never will.

    What do I do? icon_sad.gif


    You got mental problems - something like "sexual obsession" and "ideation".


    That's a bit too harsh, but I am on a similar page (agree with you). So many gay men do this! UGH.

    That's actually VERY harsh considering its something everyone has done at least once in their life. It's part of growing up.

    I merely think what should be done is to get out and meet other people. Once you see and experience for yourself other people and circumstances, you'll find out that the infactuation is quite unrealistic and you will naturally move on once you get to know other gay men.

    That said it's unneccessary to reveal your true feelings. Why make things difficult for both of you?
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    Aug 22, 2014 5:25 PM GMT
    There's some not so tactful advice in here, but nonetheless, most of it seems to be good advice. I think one thing that's a huge problem is the fact that you're in the closet. If you were out, these feelings of being in limbo would not exist; at least not to this extent. When you live your life in an open, honest and matter-of-factly kind of way, people will connect with you very differently. For example, if he knew for a fact that you were gay, he might be less inclined to flirt with you. But by being in the closet, you have likely made him feel inappropriately comfortable doing this as he probably has no idea you're crushing on him.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4862

    Aug 22, 2014 7:03 PM GMT
    Way back when I was about 24, I went through something similar to that. The problem was solved when he married and moved away. Guys who have never experienced this may not understand it.

    One of your mistakes was to persuade him to hire you. Part of the solution is for you to get another job so that you will not be with him constantly. Be totally honest with them and tell them that through no one's fault, your relationship with them is causing you distressing emotional problems and that part of the solution has to be to avoid contact with them for a few months, i.e., at least three months. Probably they will understand and support your decision. During that time, you should become involved with other people. Eventually you may be able to resume the friendship without experiencing problems, but do not attempt to do so prematurely.

    When you are particularly distressed, you may find exercise to be helpful. I found that a fast 10 mile run did wonders.

    Understand that we human beings are not always completely rational and should not expect to be. When being irrational causes problems, we sometimes have to take painful steps so that in the long run, we will be better off.

    Doing this will not be easy, but in the long run, you will be much better off.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4862

    Aug 22, 2014 7:10 PM GMT
    silver_phoenix said
    signseller said but I feel like if he were gay he would be perfect for me. I feel like there's this unspoken connection between us. I've never met a guy like him who was actually gay, and I'm afraid that I never will.

    What do I do? icon_sad.gif


    You got mental problems - something like "sexual obsession" and "ideation".


    Everyone has mental problems; that's part of being human. What is needed is step by step advice on how to deal with the situation, not making him feel that he is more defective than the rest of us.
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    Aug 22, 2014 7:13 PM GMT
    IceBuckets said
    Sweetooth said
    silver_phoenix said
    signseller said but I feel like if he were gay he would be perfect for me. I feel like there's this unspoken connection between us. I've never met a guy like him who was actually gay, and I'm afraid that I never will.

    What do I do? icon_sad.gif


    You got mental problems - something like "sexual obsession" and "ideation".


    That's a bit too harsh, but I am on a similar page (agree with you). So many gay men do this! UGH.

    That's actually VERY harsh considering its something everyone has done at least once in their life. It's part of growing up.

    I merely think what should be done is to get out and meet other people. Once you see and experience for yourself other people and circumstances, you'll find out that the infactuation is quite unrealistic and you will naturally move on once you get to know other gay men.

    That said it's unneccessary to reveal your true feelings. Why make things difficult for both of you?


    I've yet to fall or a straight guy. This is due to many reasons, but unless I know a dude is gay, I have no interest.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Aug 22, 2014 7:24 PM GMT
    He's straight and taken and not into you the way you want to be. Even if something was to happen with him, it would not end well. You entered this job with the wrong motivation. Can't you go back to your job and find a man who wants you the way you want him? Never mind how good looking he is, he's just not into you that way.
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    Aug 22, 2014 9:06 PM GMT
    HikerSkier said
    Fiyero - does this friend know that you are gay (since you are in theater, he may at least assume you are) - and still does the kissing routine with you? Doesn't seem like the behaviour of a good friend. Considered asking him to stop, because it turns you on (whether it does or not)? If you like guys, you need to find a gay guy to love.
    Yes he was one of the first people I was out to. He's known for most of our friendship and has no issue with it. He's pretty flirty with all the gay guys at work, especially the one's he's known for a long time. I'm just the one he's most affectionate/close to.

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    Aug 22, 2014 9:13 PM GMT
    Seems like you answered your own question in your OP.

    Or maybe lusting after a straight guy and possibly ruining a great friendship is the reasonable decision. Ask him to fuck you. Get him drunk first.