I need an unbiased opinion

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 23, 2014 10:18 PM GMT
    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months. I am 19 years older than him. I love him and he loves me. We are both out and my family knows we are a couple and he says that his does too. I know his mother and all brothers and sisters. I get along great with his mother and his brothers, but have only met his three sisters once.

    Now here's what I'm having a hard time understanding: he is going to his niece's birthday party tonight, but I am not invited. His sister specifically invited his ex, but not me. He says that he doesn't want me to go because he is afraid of causing drama, although he won't elaborate on what the drama might be. I don't think it's the age difference since his ex is older than me and I don't think it's because I'm white since his dad was white (mother is Mexican) and I speak fluent Spanish, having lived in Mexico for many years.

    He thinks I'm being too sensitive, but this really hurts and I'm afraid if something doesn't change that our relationship is going to be in real trouble. And, yes, I have told him exactly how I feel about this quite a few times, since this is not the first incident like this.

    Please let me know what you think. Am I being too sensitive?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 23, 2014 10:23 PM GMT
    Obviously your age is not the issue since his ex is older than you and he WAS invited to the event. I find it troubling that he will not discuss this with you even after telling him repeatedly it upsets you. I know this is not what you want to hear but honestly it sounds to me like he's preparing himself to break up with you. Unless you're leaving out some vital information, I can see no other reason for him to behave this way.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Aug 23, 2014 10:27 PM GMT
    strokeme220 said...His sister specifically invited his ex, but not me.

    How old is the niece? Does she know the ex but not you? After all it is *her* birthday.
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    Aug 23, 2014 10:31 PM GMT
    We do discuss it and he says he's going to fix it. He just either says that he "doesn't want them to judge" or, now, that he wants to "avoid the drama". I tell him it's either his sister(s) do not approve of me and that he has some issue with me, but he says neither is true, but doesn't provide a good answer.

    I don't think he wants to break up. This has been an issue for quite some time and I really don't doubt that he loves me and keeps telling me that he does.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 23, 2014 10:31 PM GMT
    MikeW said
    strokeme220 said...His sister specifically invited his ex, but not me.

    How old is the niece? Does she know the ex but not you? After all it is *her* birthday.


    The niece is 5 years old. I don't know how well she knows the ex, and she has met me once.

    edit: however, they broke up when the niece would have been 2 years old, so I don't think that is an issue with her.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 23, 2014 10:35 PM GMT
    strokeme220 saidWe do discuss it and he says he's going to fix it. He just either says that he "doesn't want them to judge" or, now, that he wants to "avoid the drama". I tell him it's either his sister(s) do not approve of me and that he has some issue with me, but he says neither is true, but doesn't provide a good answer.

    I don't think he wants to break up. This has been an issue for quite some time and I really don't doubt that he loves me and keeps telling me that he does.


    Well, either way, his silence is not acceptable and you need to make it clear to him you will not tolerant it any longer. This is an issue that can weight on a person's self esteem and should be addressed quickly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 23, 2014 10:53 PM GMT
    strokeme220 said
    Now here's what I'm having a hard time understanding: he is going to his niece's birthday party tonight, but I am not invited. His sister specifically invited his ex, but not me. He says that he doesn't want me to go because he is afraid of causing drama, although he won't elaborate on what the drama might be.

    Is his ex another gay guy? Obviously his family likes the ex, but not you. An issue you need to discuss with him.
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    Aug 23, 2014 10:57 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    strokeme220 said
    Now here's what I'm having a hard time understanding: he is going to his niece's birthday party tonight, but I am not invited. His sister specifically invited his ex, but not me. He says that he doesn't want me to go because he is afraid of causing drama, although he won't elaborate on what the drama might be.

    Is his ex another gay guy? Obviously his family likes the ex, but not you. An issue you need to discuss with him.


    Yes, the ex is a gay guy. And, his mother seems to love me and his brothers and I get along great.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 23, 2014 11:18 PM GMT
    strokeme220 said
    Art_Deco said
    strokeme220 said
    Now here's what I'm having a hard time understanding: he is going to his niece's birthday party tonight, but I am not invited. His sister specifically invited his ex, but not me. He says that he doesn't want me to go because he is afraid of causing drama, although he won't elaborate on what the drama might be.

    Is his ex another gay guy? Obviously his family likes the ex, but not you. An issue you need to discuss with him.

    Yes, the ex is a gay guy. And, his mother seems to love me and his brothers and I get along great.

    So is the problem this sister? Because if other family members and you "get along great", what is the problem here?

    Maybe you DON'T get along great with some of them, but you haven't realized it. If they prefer the ex, and not you, you need to have a serious discussion with your BF. And find out why he was unable to have you invited. And why he hasn't told you this.

    I think you may have a serious disconnect here. You are owed a better explanation than "drama".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 23, 2014 11:23 PM GMT
    I've a cousin whose husband has remained friends with her xbestfriend who wound up treating my cousin like shit, yet my cousin accepts the situation. If that were me, he'd be tasting his own balls cause that's how far up I'd knee them. So depending on your own value system, you could play that either way.

    I am a huge believer in loyalty as is my immediate family. Another cousin came to town about two years ago to visit with her daughter who doesn't get along with my sister in law. So they invited my brother to lunch without inviting his wife. You don't insult a member my family and expect to remain our friend.

    We accept the person's partner as family even if we don't particularly like them--not that they'd ever know it--and we would never think to invite one without the other. Nobody ever has any right to interfere with anyone else's life like that. So I find behavior to the contrary unacceptable.

    Pheobe saying goodbye in a posh accent to her boyfriend's snobby parents after they made clear she wasn't welcomed in their family: "here's something rich, 13 bathrooms in this place, I threw up in the coat closet...Tatar!"
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Aug 23, 2014 11:56 PM GMT
    BIG RED FLAG.

    You're a couple.
    You go to events as a couple.
    It would be different if you just didn't want to go.

    It sounds like it's time for a serious talk.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2014 12:13 AM GMT
    I also think that this is not the whole story. Why wouldn't you be able to get along with his ex at a party? Your bf owes you a better explanation than 'drama'.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2014 12:21 AM GMT
    Either his sister is a bitch, or he planned things that way so he can spend time with his ex without you knowing that it was really his idea. That would also explain the "drama" part, when his sis accidentally fesses up that it was originally his idea.
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    Aug 24, 2014 12:26 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidEither his sister is a bitch, or he planned things that way so he can spend time with his ex without you knowing that it was really his idea. That would also explain the "drama" part, when his sis accidentally fesses up that it was originally his idea.


    He knows that I don't have a problem with his ex. We already had that discussion. They are still good friends and see each other all the time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2014 12:26 AM GMT
    strokeme220 said Am I being too sensitive?


    no
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2014 12:31 AM GMT
    strokeme220 said
    paulflexes saidEither his sister is a bitch, or he planned things that way so he can spend time with his ex without you knowing that it was really his idea. That would also explain the "drama" part, when his sis accidentally fesses up that it was originally his idea.


    He knows that I don't have a problem with his ex. We already had that discussion. They are still good friends and see each other all the time.
    The part in bold is not a problem.

    The part in bold, compounded with the birthday blunder, is.

    This reminds me of that old saying, "love is blind." Well, here's your glasses. icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2014 12:33 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    strokeme220 said
    paulflexes saidEither his sister is a bitch, or he planned things that way so he can spend time with his ex without you knowing that it was really his idea. That would also explain the "drama" part, when his sis accidentally fesses up that it was originally his idea.


    He knows that I don't have a problem with his ex. We already had that discussion. They are still good friends and see each other all the time.
    The part in bold is not a problem.

    The part in bold, compounded with the birthday blunder, is.

    This reminds me of that old saying, "love is blind." Well, here's your glasses. icon_cool.gif


    My bf did not invite the ex, his sister did. He's not even sure if the ex is going.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Aug 24, 2014 12:52 AM GMT
    Sounds like the niece knows the ex, and doesn't know you. Perhaps he is afraid of drama between him, you, and the ex? Of course he is prejudging you and his ex's reaction and needs to tell his aunt that he will be bringing a guest if that is alright.
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14354

    Aug 24, 2014 1:06 AM GMT
    bhp91126 saidI also think that this is not the whole story. Why wouldn't you be able to get along with his ex at a party? Your bf owes you a better explanation than 'drama'.
    I agree 100%. Something just doesn't sound right with this situation. The "drama line" sounds like a possible cover up on your boyfriend's part. If you get along well with his family and they know about you two being a couple and on top of that are very familiar with your gay ex and have no problems with him, than it sounds like a possibility that your lover is up to something.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Aug 24, 2014 1:08 AM GMT
    You're being too sensitive .... respect his relationship with his family until he can get comfortable with you and his family together. If you can't deal with it, then find a new bf! icon_evil.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2014 1:44 AM GMT
    No you're not being too sensitive ... there's no way to put a good spin on what is at best blatantly rude behavior. None of the rationalizations proffered matter ... you simply can't exclude someone's current boyfriend and invite their ex-boyfriend without causing hurt feelings. That's the whole point of etiquette.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2014 2:14 AM GMT
    These are symptoms of a deeper issue. If he doesn't want to discuss it freely with you and this isn't the first time, then it's time to find a new boyfriend. Sorry. Probably not what you wanted to hear. Life is too short for petty family drama.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Aug 24, 2014 2:31 AM GMT
    This really boils down to how the two people define their relationship.

    If you agree between the two of you that your families do not really play an important part in it, I would be cool with not seeing this as an issue.

    If you insist on being reciprocally recognized by both families as a couple, you may want to tell your BF that you do not want him to go without you.

    When all is said and done, I would do my best to stay away from the people who lack the basic decency to recognize the obvious fact that the two of you are an item, and that inviting one without the other is simply a social faux pas.

    SC
  • Kwokpot

    Posts: 329

    Aug 24, 2014 3:27 AM GMT
    I agree with others who said this doesn't seem right. I had a situation that's very different but can apply in this situation. I was dating my current husband for about the same timeframe as you are now and my future brother in law' s son was having his Bar Mitzvah celebration. My then boyfriend and his brother had been a odds with each other, so they weren't that close as adults. Still, he wanted my boyfriend to attend, BUT the invite was ONLY for him. My boyfriend said that if you want me to attend, you MUST invite my boyfriend, we are a couple and if I isn't invited, then he wasn't going. They relented, we BOTH attended, and fast forward 18 years later, my brother in law AND the Nephew who's Bar Mitzvah was in contention attended our wedding last May.

    Bottom line, something doesn't make sense here. You need to DISCUSS this right away.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Aug 24, 2014 3:38 AM GMT
    You have every right to be pissed...