I've discovered the hardest part of being closeted

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 27, 2014 6:35 PM GMT
    By the age of 25, I had never been kissed, neither by a guy or girl (no, being bi doesn't double your chances like you'd think). I had terrible self esteem issues and it eventually lead to me posting an ad on a hookup site.

    I had some favourable responses. I did something completely uncharacteristic and I got intimate within five minutes of meeting this guy. You'd think the experience would have felt cheap and meaningless, but it actually wasn't. For the first time in my life, someone made me feel desirable. This part-time model (I kid you not) was willing to let me in to his bed, ME, the geeky guy nobody has ever expressed interest in. Yes he too was looking for a discrete hookup as he too was closeted, but I definitely was not the only choice for someone who looked like him.

    We didn't develop anything serious after this. We were just too different and would not have been able to sustain a relationship off physical intimacy alone. But we remained in contact. He was incredibly special to me as nobody else had ever made me feel wanted before. He would sometimes chastise me for my self esteem issues, and I'd throw a tantrum at the time, but today I appreciate the effect it has had. If you look at my profile you'll see I'm actively trying to improve myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually; and although I have really far to go, I have also come a long way.

    My special friend has passed away from cancer. As a closeted man, I have had to bury my grief. This forum post is my only way to express how I really feel. I have been forced to express sadness at the death of a young man who was taken away so suddenly, not the heartache I feel over the loss of the first person who ever made me feel special. I can comment on the tragedy of his parents having to bury their son, but I have to hide the memories of the first time we held each other and he allowed me to just be me and I knew he would accept me.

    This kind of pain can be suffocating, so if you too are closeted, I'd like to ask that you please find someone you can talk to. We shouldn't have to deal with this alone. Because we aren't.

    Thank you for reading. I know religion is a sore spot here on RJ, but if you do believe in a higher power, I ask of you to please pray for my friend. He was an amazing soul and I hope he is at peace.
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    Aug 27, 2014 7:27 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear of your loss.
    Thank you for sharing your lessons learned.
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    Aug 27, 2014 7:40 PM GMT
    pazzy saidsorry for your loss, man. so he died while he was still in the closet? that has to suck too.

    has this experience encouraged you to start coming out of the closet or seeking help to help you do it?


    Honestly I was afraid that by posting this I'd be opening myself up to Islamophobes who'd retort that I should just abandon my religion if I want to be happy. So thank you for your kind words.

    To respond to your question, this experience has not really made me want to come out. There are so many conflicting feelings. Resentment to the women who things didn't work out with (as a bi guy if I had just "chosen" to be with women I would not have to endure the LGBT pains many of us have faced)… Guilt that I wasn't there for him enough… I could go on an on, but something that stands out to me the most is how this has affected my relationship with God.

    This isn't the place for this kind of philosophical discussion, but I think it's brought me closer to Him. My religion emphasises the temporary nature of this world and the enternity we can spend with Him. I've also prayed more deeply for my friend, and when I consider the space I've been in these past few months, I really appreciate this.

    Like I said, I don't want to make this about religion and dwell on that too much as it is not something many can relate to. Being in the closet can hurtbat times, but I do find that making friends on places like RJ helps.
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    Aug 27, 2014 7:48 PM GMT
    It also emphasizes that homosexuality is a sin, and you should be thrown off a minaret.

    You opened with religion, no one else.
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    Aug 28, 2014 5:40 PM GMT
    First "attack" after opening and counting...
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    Aug 28, 2014 7:15 PM GMT
    Good on you for opening up about this. All of the feelings you had about feeling desirable and wanted will ring true for most men on this site so I hope you get support here. Im very sorry about your friend and lover. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it is to lose someone you became so close to.

    Please hang in there and persevere. Life will improve for you if you keep doing all of the good, hard work you're doing. Opening up on a site like this is a good start.

    No one can tell you when or how to come out as everyone's situation is unique. Just know that you deserve a life free from shame and full of mutual love and affection because youre a human being and everyone deserves to live with dignity.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 28, 2014 7:47 PM GMT
    Sorry for your loss, man. I had something similar happen. It does hurt. But I'd recommend you dump the silly religion and stop looking for the great stuff in the next life. Just concentrate on being a good man in this life. Any god that isn't a total dick will appreciate that much more than a groveling slave.
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    Aug 28, 2014 7:57 PM GMT
    Thanks for sharing this. Hope RJ can be a place of comfort for you.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Aug 28, 2014 8:27 PM GMT
    The problem isn't so much with Islam itself as it is with how some people understand and interpret Islam. In that respect, it's not so different from Christianity.

    Just as there are organizations for gay Christians, there are also organizations for gay Muslims. There are also non-gay Muslims who support gay Muslims and same-sex relationships.

    This article may be helpful:

    http://america.aljazeera.com/watch/shows/america-tonight/articles/2014/7/3/coming-out-gay-andmusliminamerica.html

    Also, read the readers's comments following the article.

    I also suggest doing a google search on "gay muslim" and similar searches.
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    Aug 28, 2014 10:35 PM GMT
    Hey shynerd, sorry for your loss. Losing anyone is hard but someone that you feel a special connection to is the hardest, whether a friend, partner or relative.

    This however is the very reason to accept who you are and live your life. We all must pass at some point and how sad it is to have lived a life not being who you truly are and enjoy someone to love. Someone very close to me once told me, 'we all need someone to love in our lives, you need to go find that someone for you'.

    Don't let fear or others or religion keep you from being you. You deserve better than that and I'm guessing that it would make your friend very happy if he knew that you found the strength to be the man you truly are.

    Remember the good times, enjoy the memories, and dedicate your finding your own freedom to him! Hugs.
  • SENCGuy1

    Posts: 247

    Aug 28, 2014 10:42 PM GMT
    I'm very sorry for your loss and nothing I can say can ease the pain of that. If religion is helping you cope with your loss, I'm glad that you have it in your life. I'll keep you and your friend in my thoughts.
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    Aug 29, 2014 12:23 AM GMT
    Sorry for your loss. I'm sure you'll cherish good memories you shared with him forever.
  • interesting

    Posts: 577

    Aug 29, 2014 3:10 AM GMT
    I'm sorry for your lost icon_sad.gif

    I can very much relate to what you feel, that first paragraph pretty much explained my own adventures. But I feel very bad for you that all your experiences sum up to this ending.

    I hope the future brings you nothing but happiness.
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Aug 29, 2014 3:56 AM GMT
    Sorry for your lose. That really has to be very hard. I wish you good thoughts, love, and acceptance for who you are. We have a very short time here as you have heart fully felt. Love and compassion is only the beginning. Be well!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 29, 2014 10:27 AM GMT
    Very sorry for your loss. I had someone pass away very close to me from melanoma. I was in denial until I was 30. Then nature just slowly started taking over . I had my first kiss at 33 as well as first time . I also suffered from a huge inferiority complex growing up and still kind of have that issue today . I started experimenting with a reg bud and i found out it was more than the sex it was the cuddling etc that was the best part. I eventually moved to Florida to start accepting im gay more. Mentally Im very happy . Rj was a way of therapy for me it helped me accept myself .I found there were other guys like me , made alot of friends, and eventually was able to tell a few people.

  • Aug 29, 2014 12:03 PM GMT
    I am 18. Made my profile 3 days ago. Live with my uncle, his wife and two children. In the closet still but ready to bust the door down. Everyone would freak if they knew how much I wanted a MAN making love to me. I am joining a mostly gay gym today that has a lot of features I like. Any suggestions? Please just be honest.
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    Sep 22, 2014 10:07 PM GMT
    Hello everyone. Sorry for doing this so late, but I just wanted to say thank you for the kind words I've received here on RJ, including everyone who has inboxed me with messages of support. I cannot express how much I appreciate it. Yes I had some trolls do their thing, but the words of encouragement truly outweigh all the bad. Thank you once again, I hope others have learnt that we are not alone out there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 23, 2014 6:45 AM GMT
    shynerd saidBy the age of 25, I had never been kissed, neither by a guy or girl (no, being bi doesn't double your chances like you'd think). I had terrible self esteem issues and it eventually lead to me posting an ad on a hookup site.

    I had some favourable responses. I did something completely uncharacteristic and I got intimate within five minutes of meeting this guy. You'd think the experience would have felt cheap and meaningless, but it actually wasn't. For the first time in my life, someone made me feel desirable. This part-time model (I kid you not) was willing to let me in to his bed, ME, the geeky guy nobody has ever expressed interest in. Yes he too was looking for a discrete hookup as he too was closeted, but I definitely was not the only choice for someone who looked like him.

    We didn't develop anything serious after this. We were just too different and would not have been able to sustain a relationship off physical intimacy alone. But we remained in contact. He was incredibly special to me as nobody else had ever made me feel wanted before. He would sometimes chastise me for my self esteem issues, and I'd throw a tantrum at the time, but today I appreciate the effect it has had. If you look at my profile you'll see I'm actively trying to improve myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually; and although I have really far to go, I have also come a long way.

    My special friend has passed away from cancer. As a closeted man, I have had to bury my grief. This forum post is my only way to express how I really feel. I have been forced to express sadness at the death of a young man who was taken away so suddenly, not the heartache I feel over the loss of the first person who ever made me feel special. I can comment on the tragedy of his parents having to bury their son, but I have to hide the memories of the first time we held each other and he allowed me to just be me and I knew he would accept me.

    This kind of pain can be suffocating, so if you too are closeted, I'd like to ask that you please find someone you can talk to. We shouldn't have to deal with this alone. Because we aren't.

    Thank you for reading. I know religion is a sore spot here on RJ, but if you do believe in a higher power, I ask of you to please pray for my friend. He was an amazing soul and I hope he is at peace.
    Your post here intrigued me. However, you have sent so many conflicting messages about the reality of your life in your post that I'm not sure what is true. So, I'll take a shot in the dark: you are in the closet but you had a sexual experience with a guy (himself was probably in closet too) and, this is where I really have to guess (he has died from cancer?) If this is the true case, you are feeling both feelings of grief, regret, and sadness (which is a lot to deal with actually). In your experience of life thus far you were in love with this guy but that's probably because he was your first guy love. Just know that your experience is not something other guys in the world have not experienced too. There is nothing I can say to console you about the grief part, you'll just have to work through that, but I can tell you that you shouldn't be so quick to assume that you are gay just because of your one experience with this one guy. Make sure that your sexual attraction is to other males principally and not just you seeking out other guys that will give you the love and comfort you felt from this one guy who died. Sexuality is a trick thing until you know for sure what you truly desire. I don't feel like I really helped you with my words here, but I tried and did my best.
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    Sep 23, 2014 7:34 PM GMT
    declansloan said
    shynerd saidBy the age of 25, I had never been kissed, neither by a guy or girl (no, being bi doesn't double your chances like you'd think). I had terrible self esteem issues and it eventually lead to me posting an ad on a hookup site.

    I had some favourable responses. I did something completely uncharacteristic and I got intimate within five minutes of meeting this guy. You'd think the experience would have felt cheap and meaningless, but it actually wasn't. For the first time in my life, someone made me feel desirable. This part-time model (I kid you not) was willing to let me in to his bed, ME, the geeky guy nobody has ever expressed interest in. Yes he too was looking for a discrete hookup as he too was closeted, but I definitely was not the only choice for someone who looked like him.

    We didn't develop anything serious after this. We were just too different and would not have been able to sustain a relationship off physical intimacy alone. But we remained in contact. He was incredibly special to me as nobody else had ever made me feel wanted before. He would sometimes chastise me for my self esteem issues, and I'd throw a tantrum at the time, but today I appreciate the effect it has had. If you look at my profile you'll see I'm actively trying to improve myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually; and although I have really far to go, I have also come a long way.

    My special friend has passed away from cancer. As a closeted man, I have had to bury my grief. This forum post is my only way to express how I really feel. I have been forced to express sadness at the death of a young man who was taken away so suddenly, not the heartache I feel over the loss of the first person who ever made me feel special. I can comment on the tragedy of his parents having to bury their son, but I have to hide the memories of the first time we held each other and he allowed me to just be me and I knew he would accept me.

    This kind of pain can be suffocating, so if you too are closeted, I'd like to ask that you please find someone you can talk to. We shouldn't have to deal with this alone. Because we aren't.

    Thank you for reading. I know religion is a sore spot here on RJ, but if you do believe in a higher power, I ask of you to please pray for my friend. He was an amazing soul and I hope he is at peace.
    Your post here intrigued me. However, you have sent so many conflicting messages about the reality of your life in your post that I'm not sure what is true. So, I'll take a shot in the dark: you are in the closet but you had a sexual experience with a guy (himself was probably in closet too) and, this is where I really have to guess (he has died from cancer?) If this is the true case, you are feeling both feelings of grief, regret, and sadness (which is a lot to deal with actually). In your experience of life thus far you were in love with this guy but that's probably because he was your first guy love. Just know that your experience is not something other guys in the world have not experienced too. There is nothing I can say to console you about the grief part, you'll just have to work through that, but I can tell you that you shouldn't be so quick to assume that you are gay just because of your one experience with this one guy. Make sure that your sexual attraction is to other males principally and not just you seeking out other guys that will give you the love and comfort you felt from this one guy who died. Sexuality is a trick thing until you know for sure what you truly desire. I don't feel like I really helped you with my words here, but I tried and did my best.


    You have, thank you icon_smile.gif
  • carew28

    Posts: 661

    Sep 23, 2014 7:54 PM GMT
    These kinds of things do happen, and it's always sad. Hold on to your happy memories, and go on with your life.