opinion on open relationships

  • BlakeWind

    Posts: 61

    Aug 28, 2014 8:08 PM GMT
    hey guys,

    first i just want to say i am not bashing/judging anybody by any means. im incredibly open-minded. just wanted some input and opinions to have a discussion with people who are in open relationships. im in a relationship myself, though we are very monogomous. i guess my first question is do you truly love the partner you are in an open relationship with? If they broke up with you today, would you be very heart-broken? or is your heart not that into that other person? do you take your relationship very seriously? I cant picture myself loving somebody that way, then go have sexual encounters with someone else. But thats just my own personal view. Would you guys say open relationships are the norm in the gay man society? is it higher than straight relationships? I don't know any straight couples in an open relationship. If it is, why do you suppose that is? how would you guys compare lesbian relationships to gay man relationships? sorry for all the questions. just one of the pondering questions i had today. i tried to picture me and my bf being open, and it hurt me deeply the thought of him being with another man icon_confused.gif . any reply is appreciated. again, please dont think im hating on men who are in an open relationship. thats really not my business. this is purely for the sake of understanding your guy's view points and philosophies.
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    Aug 28, 2014 8:19 PM GMT
    I think it depends on circumstances. I prefer monogamy however circumstances being as they are an open relationship can work.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Aug 28, 2014 9:19 PM GMT
    It really is simple. Guys in open relationships don't link sexual monogamy to love. Sex is just sex and love is something entirely different. If you think about it, the partners are saying to each other "If there is something you need or want that will make you happy, I want you to have it." It can be viewed as a very selfless thing. The open relationships I've seen were actually of very committed guys, and their extra sexual encounters were fairly rare and almost always when their partner was not available, like when traveling on business. Lesbians don't seem to have sex. They just talk a lot. Straights don't often have open relationships (though some do) but they cheat instead. Of all the adult, straight guys I know very well, more than half cheat on their wives or have cheated. Statistics say the rate of cheating is actually higher for straight women than for straight men.

    My partner and I are monogamous now but have had open periods before. And may again. The agreement is if either wants to go monogamous, all they have to do is say so. No discussion.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Aug 28, 2014 9:57 PM GMT
    It's pretty straight forward think. Just two individuals who come to a decision and go have sex with other guys but still come back to each other at the end of the day.

    Personally, I'd rather be in a monogamous relationship but won't condemn others who choose the alternative. As long as they both want it, I don't see much of a problem.
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    Aug 28, 2014 10:02 PM GMT
    open relationship - best way to get std
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Aug 28, 2014 10:06 PM GMT
    atlanticshore saidopen relationship - best way to get std

    No, the best way to get std's is to be so scared of your sexuality that you hide your face and are even afraid to write a few words about yourself. That fear of life leads to nameless, faceless one-offs. And std's.
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    Aug 28, 2014 10:08 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    atlanticshore saidopen relationship - best way to get std

    No, the best way to get std's is to be so scared of your sexuality that you hide your face and are even afraid to write a few words about yourself. That fear of life leads to nameless, faceless one-offs. And std's.


    nonsense
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    Aug 28, 2014 10:41 PM GMT
    atlanticshore saidopen relationship - best way to get std

    Young, ignorant and exactly the type of guys that contract and spread STDs. Those that fear being out and being openly gay so they lurk in the bushes, on Craigslist and seedy places not knowing the risk or how to protect themselves.

    An open relationship is often just the opposite. Just because a person is 'open' doesn't make them a whore or hitting on anyone that moves. Often open relationships involve sex partners that are 'regulars' and known.

    You have some growing up to do. Perhaps learn the subject matter before you post comments that show your ignorance.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Aug 28, 2014 10:47 PM GMT
    Regardless of what you think would be ideal, most men are naturally programed to seek out multiple sex partners.

    It's just sex.
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    Aug 28, 2014 10:49 PM GMT
    Blakewind: Open relationship, in my opinion, are the result of either a person that doesn't want to commit and wants to play OR a couple that is very secure with their own relationship and identifies sex as the physical act of pleasure.

    For those who just want to play around, I think the chances are greater their relationship will fail. Lack of understanding their partner and his needs, lack of communications and a chance of overwhelming emotional instability in the relationship.

    For those who do communicate and truly discuss the relationship, it's boundaries and the acceptable limitations, I think an open relationship can be very fulfilling. It's not for everyone but certainly there are many that make it work quite well. It's a matter of knowing your partner, communicating with him and having set up the boundaries before opening the relationship. Sometimes partners that love each other and have very close emotional bonds lose that sexual desire and want something different for purely sexual fulfillment. An open relationship will allow for that. Other times, one partner has some physical or medical issue that prohibits them from being as sexual or desirable to meet the other partner's needs. An open relationship works for this too.

    Loving someone emotionally is not synonymous with having sex with someone. Sex is physical, love is emotional. If the emotional love and the communications and understanding exists between partners, then the physical relationship is just an enhancement and not the defining factor as some would indicate.
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    Aug 29, 2014 12:55 AM GMT
    Meh...
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    Aug 29, 2014 1:00 AM GMT
    I think polyamory would work better. But to each their own. This topic has been discussed millions of times and always end up in a slut-shaming monogamy worshiping circlejerk.
  • BlackRussian1...

    Posts: 323

    Aug 29, 2014 4:55 PM GMT
    To the OP, my husband and I have been swingers (or "open" as many people call it) for years and it has been a very sexy, rewarding experience for us. Of course it has its own needs, challenges, and it forces you to communicate in a way that you may not otherwise, but it's really worth it.

    I don't know if gay couples are less traditional than straights, but we're certainly more open about it...don't be mislead though, straight couples can be VERY non-traditional, the more of them you meet around the world. IMHO, if more couples (gay and straight) were honest about their feelings you'd have more poly/swingers. Fulfilling, long term monogamy is great if it works for you...but I'd say you're the exception not the norm if so.

    If it "hurts you deeply" as you say to imagine him (your partner) with another, perhaps you should ask yourself why? Are you insecure? Do you think you own him/his body? Do you think you can fulfill his sexual desires 100% indefinitely? Why do you consider monogamy superior to other forms of relationships? Just my two cents.
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    Aug 29, 2014 5:20 PM GMT
    Emotional monogamy is the only thing that really matters to me in an intimate relationship, even in a close friendship. Once that bond is broken, when there is no trust, then there is no relationship. But as long as you have emotional monogamy, you could both fuck every guy in the world or either one of you could become impotent by chemotherapy and none of that would matter, not one bit.

    If I found someone who I was completely compatible with sexually, without having to overextend or deny our own preferences, as long as neither of us has to do without what we like nor fake liking what our partner requires, then I'd be monogamous sexually as well. I simply don't limit myself to that because I never know who I might fall in love with.

    I didn't know the guy I'd fall in love with would require a vagina. I didn't know the guy I'd fall in love with was a total bottom.

    Sex can initiate love, sex can augment love, but sex ought not interfere with love.
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    Aug 30, 2014 1:24 AM GMT
    Personally for me I feel that if someone is not able to commit mind and body to me as I would to them then they are not actually in love with me.
    Loving someone and actually being IN love with someone are two very different things.

    To really be in love with someone and begin to truly know them and not just know about them takes proper commitment and time and I don't see that being effective if you're emotionally invested in someone but physically and/or emotionally invested in someone else at the same time.
    Your attention will be split and you won't give either person/people the attention they should be receiving.

    I feel like 'sex' and 'relationships' are things that have been so over 'redefined' to the point where it could almost become nothing like what it's actually supposed to mean anymore.

    If someone were to say that they loved me but slept with someone else, that there already would show to me a contradiction between what they say to me and how they treat me.
    To completely and wholistically love someone, I believe it should be physical, emotional and even spiritual in a sense.

    Regardless of religion or beliefs, the reason why I think people innately feel that committing to someone but sleeping with someone else may feel 'wrong' (and I use that word loosely) is because there is an innate instinct in us that realises sex is still at least some what sacred.

    For me sex wouldn't be just a thing I gave out to people like a product but would be an actual statement of my commitment to the person and to the relationship.
    This is just my personal view but I do not view 'sex' and 'relationships' as two different things separate from each other but rather that they are intrinsically related.

    That's just my own opinion of course.
    At the end of the day people will do what they like and so long as it's not harming anyone I won't judge them for that.
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    Aug 30, 2014 1:54 AM GMT
    I always thought how horrible for my guy to want to fuck someone else while he was with me. And then I was the one who wanted to fuck someone else....

    There's physical and there's emotional monogamy.

    You can have one or the other or both. It's your choice. Leave the puritanical bullshit out of it.

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    Aug 30, 2014 3:43 AM GMT
    Man: I cannot deal with more than one partner at a time.

    For me it's dishonest, (and I refuse to have guilt trips).

    I've explored the 3some and 4some world, but my gut won't take more than one partner.

    Man on man or other is great.
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    Aug 30, 2014 3:47 AM GMT
    I've been in 2 serious gay relationships in my life. None of those are open-relationship. Although the second guy (my ex bf) had like several fuck buddies on the side, I was a little jealous of him. Eventually, I realized that I can't fake my feelings for someone. It's either I like him wholeheartedly 100% or I want out. There's no fucking around or open up or sharing. Lol, I think I'd be too jealous for that.
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    Aug 30, 2014 4:17 AM GMT
    For me to ever be in an open relationship I'd have to be in a monogamous relationship with a person for an extended period of time beforehand. I'd never jump into an open relationship right away, it seems reckless. I consider open relationships to be something to consider when you want to spice up your sex life later down the line.
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    Aug 30, 2014 6:07 AM GMT
    It is all about boundaries, respect and communication.

    If one of you is not comfortable with being open, then don't. Simple as that. Do not compromise just because you want your partner to be happy.

    As for the previous comment about
    atlanticshore said

    open relationship - best way to get std


    this is a very ignorant comment based on assumption that open relationship means one partner (or both) sleep around with anyone. Before making a comment, actually know what open relationships are. There are effort and emotional investment involved in open relationship as much as a closed one.
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    Aug 30, 2014 10:05 PM GMT
    JustaGuy1 saidMan: I cannot deal with more than one partner at a time.
    For me it's dishonest, (and I refuse to have guilt trips).
    I've explored the 3some and 4some world, but my gut won't take more than one partner.
    Man on man or other is great.

    It's not dishonest unless your partner is not on board with it and you're doing it on the DL, then there's guilt and shame.

    It's not for everyone and if those that find it undesirable, I think that's just fine too. It's all about how one feels about both emotional and sexual monogamy, but really two different things that may or may not be tied together in a relationship.
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    Aug 30, 2014 10:53 PM GMT
    pazzy saidi think an open relationship is basically admitting that you and your partner both don't trust yourselves and each other to be committed to your relationship where you're going to cheat or find someone else better. it's basically saying "i know you're going to cheat on me or i will cheat on you so let's have an open relationship where we're NOT surprised or heartbroken if one of us fucks or dates somebody else while we're in a relationship." it's like a relationship where there's NO trust or get you get with someone who you want to believe loves you but really doesn't. think that that's someone really lowering their standards or admitting that they're not happy with their partner where they have to go see other people on the side. basically, open relationships are for would be cheaters in monogamous relationships.


    I don't disagree with you. But if the reason why people are having open relationship so that they're "not surprised or heartbroken", that is called compromising his emotional integrity in exchange for continuity of the relationship. This is actually not a healthy relationship therefore that specific open relationship will most likely fail. There are far more people out there that has this set out as a resolution, when in reality they are going all wrong in approaching the problem of the relationship. If open relationship means preventing themselves getting hurt while staying with their partner, they are compromising their beliefs on relationships or they are going through co-dependency, both of which are recipes for disaster.

    Open relationships do take a whole heaps of trust and communication, so I disagree that relationships like this would be devoid of such.
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    Aug 30, 2014 10:59 PM GMT
    Open relationship is a twisted model based on lack of affection and if you like that word - ''love'' and of course obviously high risk of catching an std from your partner
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    Aug 31, 2014 3:53 AM GMT
    pazzy saidi think an open relationship is basically admitting that you and your partner both don't trust yourselves and each other to be committed to your relationship where you're going to cheat or find someone else better. it's basically saying "i know you're going to cheat on me or i will cheat on you so let's have an open relationship where we're NOT surprised or heartbroken if one of us fucks or dates somebody else while we're in a relationship." it's like a relationship where there's NO trust or get you get with someone who you want to believe loves you but really doesn't. think that that's someone really lowering their standards or admitting that they're not happy with their partner where they have to go see other people on the side. basically, open relationships are for would be cheaters in monogamous relationships.

    I agree with what you've said actually and this is what I meant with the whole redefining something to the point where it's almost nothing like it was.

    Even just reading over some of the other responses here, people are further dissecting monogamy to "emotional" and "physical" whereby it is something they can offer separately.
    The whole point of monogamy is that there is just one person and it's exclusive.
    You can't give part of yourself to one person and a different part of yourself to another and call it different 'kinds' of monogamy.

    Call a spade a spade, it's not a monogamous relationship and so I don't see why people try redefine it so much just so they can say they are being monogamous.
    If you aren't being monogamous then you aren't.
    Call the relationship that you have whatever you like but don't try redefining monogamy just so that you can say you are being monogamous when you really aren't.

    Back to what you've said, I agree in the sense that I feel like open relationships are one way of saying "I want to come home to the same face, but I want to have relationships with other people and don't actually want to fully commit to you".
    That way if the person wants to 'cheat' (for lack of a better word) the partner/s aren't allowed to be upset therefore no guilt trip and in the same token if they are 'cheated' on, they have to just take it in their stride.

    As I said before however, basically to each their own.
    So long as nobody is actually being harmed, if that's what the people involved want then it's fine.
    It's just something that is definitely not for me.