Never thought I will pass through this

  • Behram

    Posts: 32

    Aug 30, 2014 9:34 PM GMT
    So am here now in Canada. 33, born in Pakistan, but moved to Canada couple of months ago. Got married at 28 while in Dubai after caving in to society/family pressure. Now fed up of living a double life and now I think she also suspects it. I am torn apart and thinking to let her know everything. But she is totally dependent on me in everything completely, financially, emotionally and socially. We both don't have any friends or family here. It will be a very heavy blow for her in all respects, and to me as well.

    Now I know what does it mean devil and the deep blue sea. I thought I will pull on. But not working anymore. We have no kids.

    Never thought life will present this question to me.

    Have any of you passed through this? What are your thoughts?
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    Aug 30, 2014 9:39 PM GMT
    You already know the correct answer. Truth or deception? Is it really that hard to see which is better?
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    Aug 30, 2014 9:49 PM GMT
    Yes, let her know. Do not have kids.
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    Aug 30, 2014 9:56 PM GMT
    Yes, been there. You'll never last trying to live two lives, you'll never be happy. Some do it but I don't think they're really happy with it, just too frighten to come out.

    I would suggest that you slow down and think it all through. Not to change what you need to do but to get everything in order so that when you tell her you have options for her. She may want to return home or she might want to get a place of her own (or you might), you should think about what you can do financially, how this will effect your families (both) as I'm sure she will reach out to them first. You'll have a lot of pressure to get therapy, see someone religious, etc.

    I don't know what Canadian law is like with divorce but you might need to be financially responsible for her if she is not working. Think all these things through first before you come out and don't....seriously DO NOT.... promise her anything when you come out. She might ask you for a lot but just tell her you'll work on it together to see what we can do. It's easy to promise to make her feel better but in the end, you'll hate her and yourself for it. Don't be greedy and unfair but don't put yourself in an awkward position either.

    And finally, as sf_swimmer has said, DO NOT have any kids. It's not fair to them and just will create more issues with you and her.
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    Aug 31, 2014 2:23 AM GMT
    sf_swimmer saidYes, let her know. Do not have kids.

    ^THIS
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    Aug 31, 2014 2:34 AM GMT
    I think the most important thing you better do is try to help her survive until she can find a new path. YOU OWE that to her. Be a friend at least considering you got her into something you were unsure about. Or maybe you changed, but still you don't just cut the ropes because sex is an issue when the change itself was YOUR issue. If you loved her than you will know what I am talking about. If you didn't love her than take some responsibility for your actions and help her find a new path in life.
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    Aug 31, 2014 2:35 AM GMT
    Behram saidSo am here now in Canada. 33, born in Pakistan, but moved to Canada couple of months ago. Got married at 28 while in Dubai after caving in to society/family pressure. Now fed up of living a double life and now I think she also suspects it. I am torn apart and thinking to let her know everything. But she is totally dependent on me in everything completely, financially, emotionally and socially. We both don't have any friends or family here. It will be a very heavy blow for her in all respects, and to me as well.

    Now I know what does it mean devil and the deep blue sea. I thought I will pull on. But not working anymore. We have no kids.

    Never thought life will present this question to me.

    Have any of you passed through this? What are your thoughts?


    The truth will set you free.

    In today's world your situation is far better understood and accepted. Tell her and salvage what you can.
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    Aug 31, 2014 2:58 AM GMT
    Behram,

    I'm curious...

    Did you know her very well before you got married, or was it an arranged marriage? (You said you caved in to "society/family pressures.")

    Did you love her when you got married, or have you grown to love her over the past five years?

    What is the age difference between the two of you? (I.e., is she much younger?)

    You said that you moved to Canada a couple of months ago. What is your visa/residence status in Canada? What is hers?

    All of these things would seem to have some bearing on how difficult it will be for you and her to work things out in a way that is good for both of you.
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    Aug 31, 2014 2:47 PM GMT
    Silence never leads to anything good. I wish you good luck in whatever you choose to do
  • lvzhi

    Posts: 122

    Aug 31, 2014 3:55 PM GMT
    I feel sorry for your wife. She's your family now. She will be devastated when you leave her. Can you let her know the truth but stay in marridge with her?
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    Aug 31, 2014 4:02 PM GMT
    terrance saidI feel sorry for your wife. She's your family now. She will be devastated when you leave her. Can you let her know the truth but stay in marridge with her?
    ''

    DAMN, I amazed to find morale on this website after all these years. YES this is exactly what he needs to think about. I would NEVER hurt a woman because I don't know what the fuck I want. If he has balls he will do the right thing. I would NEVER get into a relationship that had THAT kind of dishonesty. That is why I have stayed away from relationships all my life. HE NEEDS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for his path he chose. It is not right to leave someone by dropping them off in the waterless sand so he can rush off and live out his true desires sexually.
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    Aug 31, 2014 4:32 PM GMT
    Behram said
    Have any of you passed through this? What are your thoughts?

    Only a part of it. Not the changing of countries.

    But I did marry under family, societal and career pressure (US Army), and had 2 sons. Years after we separated I told her I was gay. Very ugly reaction.

    She immediately tried to have me arrested on child porno charges. No evidence of it (child porn revolts me), but in that US State a gay man was automatically assumed to be a child molester suspect and a possessor of kiddie porn.

    Except after months of investigation (I had a 7-man armed SWAT team show up at my front door with a search warrant!), and disruption to my life and ruining of my community reputation, none was found. Because there was none.

    As a result I refuse to support my ex-wife. Otherwise I would have. I'm very "old school" and would have taken the gentleman's view, that the man is obliged to support the woman he marries, whether they remain married or become divorced, until she may remarry.

    But after what she did to me she'll never get a penny out of me. It can be difficult to predict how a wife will react to the news that her husband is gay. My advice is to divorce first, be legally free of her, and tell her later (if ever). But never tell her while you are still married.
  • Behram

    Posts: 32

    Aug 31, 2014 5:28 PM GMT
    Thanks all. I do believe truth is the only way forward and your replies really opened my eyes to so many finer and important practical points I was not thinking about at all. I was just about to come out to her yesterday out of sudden overwhelming rush of guilt I felt, but given your replies I have now started thinking how important it is to manage every aspect in a proper, thoughtful manner, with least damage to her.

    Jerred and Terrance, as they say I love her but am not in love with her. In any case I don't want her to leave at all, though if she wants to leave I will still support her in every way I can as long as possible, legally required or not. I know it's my fault and I take ownership of whatever happening in both of our lives.

    Art_Deco, its really surprising to hear about your story. It's unthinkable in our culture though. Its always women who suffer in silence in our culture which is very sad. But I will keep that in mind.

  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Aug 31, 2014 7:09 PM GMT
    The truth is always best. It doesn't mean that you need to desert her and leave her to fend for herself, but you can't continue to live a lie. You're now in a country where you are free to be yourself. A divorce from the marriage doesn't mean you need to completely cut yourself out of her life until she is ready to make it on her own.
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    Aug 31, 2014 8:09 PM GMT
    OP I think you have to fix your situation with your woman first before thinking of your own situation otherwise that would be completely selfish from you.

    You wont avoid havok after coming out but make sure your woman is ok BEFORE doing anything. Maybe divorce her first, make sure shes seatled and THEN get out of the closet or whatever.
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    Aug 31, 2014 8:13 PM GMT
    To elaborate:

    In your case it sounds like telling her would make sense, unless you think it would make things worse. For example, would your relationship status affect your ability to stay in Canada?

    I was married for nine years and have been divorced for quite a while now, but I have never told my ex-wife about my sexuality although I know she knows. We had a very long and brutal divorce over over child custody, which is why I said don't have kids (although being a dad is one of the things I'm most happy about having done in life).
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    Aug 31, 2014 8:13 PM GMT
    Behram saidThanks all. I do believe truth is the only way forward and your replies really opened my eyes to so many finer and important practical points I was not thinking about at all. I was just about to come out to her yesterday out of sudden overwhelming rush of guilt I felt, but given your replies I have now started thinking how important it is to manage every aspect in a proper, thoughtful manner, with least damage to her.

    Jerred and Terrance, as they say I love her but am not in love with her. In any case I don't want her to leave at all, though if she wants to leave I will still support her in every way I can as long as possible, legally required or not. I know it's my fault and I take ownership of whatever happening in both of our lives.

    Art_Deco, its really surprising to hear about your story. It's unthinkable in our culture though. Its always women who suffer in silence in our culture which is very sad. But I will keep that in mind.



    Good man. You make me proud of humanity.
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    Sep 01, 2014 12:10 PM GMT
    That's a very too situation you've gotten yourself into, but honestly I really think you shouldn't tell her. Just stick to your marriage make her happy. I realize that the truth will get you happiness but it won't get her anything but misery. And am guessing your family won't be so accepting of the "Gay thing" as you said you're originally Pakistani. Also just imagine what you'll be putting her through, finding out her husband is gay and not into her after years of marriage. Imagine what she'd have to tell her family, friends and everyone she knows. Not to mention that she might not even accept it and start telling people or whatever. So yeah just stick to your marriage and try to be happy.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Sep 01, 2014 4:01 PM GMT
    joe_m92 saidThat's a very too situation you've gotten yourself into, but honestly I really think you shouldn't tell her. Just stick to your marriage make her happy. I realize that the truth will get you happiness but it won't get her anything but misery. And am guessing your family won't be so accepting of the "Gay thing" as you said you're originally Pakistani. Also just imagine what you'll be putting her through, finding out her husband is gay and not into her after years of marriage. Imagine what she'd have to tell her family, friends and everyone she knows. Not to mention that she might not even accept it and start telling people or whatever. So yeah just stick to your marriage and try to be happy.


    I think this is, by far, the worst advice I've ever seen on here. Neither he nor she will be happy if they take your advice.
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    Sep 01, 2014 4:13 PM GMT
    joe_m92 saidThat's a very too situation you've gotten yourself into, but honestly I really think you shouldn't tell her. Just stick to your marriage make her happy. I realize that the truth will get you happiness but it won't get her anything but misery. And am guessing your family won't be so accepting of the "Gay thing" as you said you're originally Pakistani. Also just imagine what you'll be putting her through, finding out her husband is gay and not into her after years of marriage. Imagine what she'd have to tell her family, friends and everyone she knows. Not to mention that she might not even accept it and start telling people or whatever. So yeah just stick to your marriage and try to be happy.


    He'll end up cheating in her, he will not make her happy, he will not be happy etc.
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    Sep 01, 2014 11:44 PM GMT
    Was it an arranged marriage?
  • Inque

    Posts: 517

    Sep 02, 2014 12:29 AM GMT
    Ditch the bitch"
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Sep 02, 2014 1:02 AM GMT
    IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY KIDS! any other issues will be much much easier to resolve!
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    Sep 02, 2014 1:33 AM GMT
    joe_m92 saidThat's a very too situation you've gotten yourself into, but honestly I really think you shouldn't tell her. Just stick to your marriage make her happy. I realize that the truth will get you happiness but it won't get her anything but misery. And am guessing your family won't be so accepting of the "Gay thing" as you said you're originally Pakistani. Also just imagine what you'll be putting her through, finding out her husband is gay and not into her after years of marriage. Imagine what she'd have to tell her family, friends and everyone she knows. Not to mention that she might not even accept it and start telling people or whatever. So yeah just stick to your marriage and try to be happy.


    I would agree with this if they had kids and were older, but since they don't have kids and I assume his wife his age (quite young from my perspective), I think he should tell her and move on. As for Pakistan ... he's living in Canada and he can't control how everyone in the old country will feel about it. Making a mistake should not be a life sentence when the cost of freedom is relatively small (passing shock and hurt feelings).
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    Sep 02, 2014 4:18 AM GMT
    Since she is totally dependent on you you have the upper hand. Tell her to put on a strap on and fuck you senseless or you're shipping her back to the oasis from whence she came with a note pin to her saying she was not pleasing to you. Her family will be shamed and will honor kill her and your troubles will be over.

    I should write an advice column! LOL!