How do I accept myself and become happy?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2014 12:20 AM GMT
    I've struggled with my sexuality since I can remember. I'm now 24, and I've yet to date anyone or even have sex or kiss anyone. I received oral from a guy once who I met on Grindr just to "get it over with".

    I've discussed my sexuality with my parents, as I've been "confused" for the majority of my life now. They were both pretty accepting although I guess I'm not officially "out" to them. I really only have 2 female friends who know of my attraction to men.

    I've just been super depressed lately because I feel as if my life isn't going anywhere. I did take a step in the right direction by going back to school this semester to finally finish my degree (in Business, and I'm not sure what I want to do after), but I still just feel lost and empty.

    I see a lot of kids I went to high school with in serious relationships, some even getting engaged/married and starting families. Yet here I am at 24, never having been on a date. To make matters worse, I found out that due to a surgery I had for my Ulcerative Colitis as a teen, I can't do certain things in the bedroom with another guy (bottom) which is how I always imagined myself being intimate with another man.

    I am now starting to question if I am attracted to women as well, and I'm just so confused. I also have this little phobia of sex, because I am inexperienced and I fear that when the time comes, I will be awkward and it will just be a disaster for me.

    I really am starting to feel as if I will die alone, and sometimes I even imagine myself eventually committing suicide because I am in so much pain emotionally (I don't plan on ever acting on these thoughts though).

    I do see a therapist, but nothing he says really seems to help me in the long run.

    Anyone else ever feel like this?
    What do I do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2014 12:38 AM GMT
    Maybe you're just not ready to date yet. I'm not one of those people who thinks everyone needs a therapist however I think maybe if you're struggling you should see about potentially seeking one.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Sep 02, 2014 1:39 AM GMT
    There is a lot more to sex than "bottoming" and "topping". Don't get so caught up in these labels, explore sexually. I think a lot of the fear that we experience when it comes to sex is rooted in anxiety over living up to the sexual role.

    To get over your self hatred and fear, you really have to be open sexually and experiment (safely of course). I think every gay guy probably has to go through that initial exploration stage in order to find out what he likes/doesn't like, what kind of guys he's into, and also what he is even looking for in another person/relationship.

    Also, Grindr sucks, go to a bar or lounge or gay events and talk to real live men please.
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    Sep 02, 2014 4:12 AM GMT
    pazzy saidokay, stop trolling. are you even gay? you've made this thread 5 times over. that and the threads about your straight best friend cheating on his girlfriend. plus you get banned or self delete to only come back doing the same shit. stop already. it's annoying.


    You really love stalking me, don't you? I've never been banned, but yes, I've deleted my account before like many others on here. Why do you care so much? If you don't like my threads, DON'T CLICK ON THEM OR READ THEM.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2014 10:26 AM GMT
    Anyone else?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2014 12:30 PM GMT
    I can connect myself so much with you because thats how I felt when was 24. Now I am 25, nothing much changed either. But, I am fine with the fact. Dont think that you are confused. Its just you are waiting for the best. I am sure when it ll hit on you, you ll know where to go. There are great chances that you make your mind that you are bisexual. Trust me, its really hard to be bisexual. Being myself, I am sure about that. Heart goes both the ways genuinely. You cant complain. I'd suggest to relax and lay back for some time. Enjoy your moment and soon you ll figure out what you want. Hope this help. Cheers!
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    Sep 02, 2014 5:44 PM GMT
    I am on the same path you're on, and perhaps can offer a few insights.

    I also question my sexuality, and at least this weekend when the nude pics of Jennifer Lawrence surfaced would be more prone to consider myself bi. I've had hetero and gay sex and find both experiences fulfilling, although gay more so and my fantasies are much more toward the gay end of the spectrum.

    I think that sexuality is inherently extremely complicated because it is tied so deeply to our emotions. Because it is so complicated I tend to think that the push to adopt a label can be unhelpful and confusing. Both the straight and gay "communities" demand that you choose a side for traditional or political reasons. So keep in mind that you're how you are, and seek self-insight rather than bowing to the pressures of any "community" to label yourself.

    Try to date women and men. At your age everyone is an amateur sexually speaking, but they try to pretend otherwise. Don't be fooled by this. Your inexperience isn't that weird and some will find it appealing.

    Just focus on exploring and gathering information about yourself while you have fun. Forget about the long-term plan for now.

    As for therapists, well most of them are useless I'm sorry to say ... especially when it comes to sexuality, which as I noted is complicated and thus inherently confounding. Most therapists (especially those those without doctoral degree) simply lack the brain power and insight to offer anything useful in this regard.

    Instead, I would look for a good psychologist or psychiatrist (get referrals from someone you trust) to address basic psychological issues, such as anxiety and depression. It sounds like one of these larger issues that can be treated are really more at the root of your struggles rather than your sexuality, which you can explore on your own effectively.

    Hope that helps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2014 6:03 PM GMT
    Just be yourself and do what you feel like is right
    I don't think that hanging yourself will be the best option, I heard that when you hang yourself it does not actually hurt, because the spine breaks and people die quickly, but there are other things in life you could do, for example just be honest with yourself, don't lie to yourself

    and do whatever you feel like you need to do

  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 02, 2014 10:55 PM GMT
    pazzy said
    ant811 said
    pazzy saidokay, stop trolling. are you even gay? you've made this thread 5 times over. that and the threads about your straight best friend cheating on his girlfriend. plus you get banned or self delete to only come back doing the same shit. stop already. it's annoying.


    You really love stalking me, don't you? I've never been banned, but yes, I've deleted my account before like many others on here. Why do you care so much? If you don't like my threads, DON'T CLICK ON THEM OR READ THEM.


    stalking you? icon_lol.gif don't try to flip it into me being a dick, breh, when it's actually you. you've made this thread word from word before many times and been given advice in all of them by others who dedicated their time to say something to you. we've actually tried to help you. when you make the same thread over and over as if we haven't reached out to you or tried to help, it's basically saying to all of us that you don't appreciate our advice or that it's worthless to you. hence why i asked if you were trolling or not. it's really suspicious.

    my question to you is what are you expecting from threads like these that you've made before. do you expect a man to fly out into your lap? what exactly?



    Pazzy is correct.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2014 11:09 PM GMT
    it sounds like you need some more friends.

    and maybe put an ad up for dating on match.com or okcupid, look for people that don't just want to fuck on the first date. you might be more comfortable when it's a person you actually like and not a grindr blow buddy.

    finally, relax. constantly icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 02, 2014 11:41 PM GMT
    Concerning the therapists, there are good ones out there that can give you good advice...sounds like you need to drop your curent one and look for another.
    You're only 24. That is still young, and don't judge where you are in life with where others are...it's a trap that will leave you feeling substandard. Do you belong to a gym? I'd try to find some sort of social outlet that is not Grindr or a bar, where the objective is usually just to get laid. Join a group that does something you're interested in, make friends, and eventually you'll meet someone. It would be great if you met someone that was just coming out like you are and you could both explore together.

    As far as the sexual aspect of it goes, there are gay guys out there that are not into anal penetration at all.

    You're young. Don't sit at home. Go out and make platonic friends...when you least expect it, a great guy will come your way.
    Stop looking for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 03, 2014 1:59 AM GMT
    Thank you to those of you who have taken the time to offer your insight and advice. icon_smile.gif
  • lvzhi

    Posts: 122

    Sep 03, 2014 3:33 PM GMT
    We don't have therapists or any antidepressants in China and we don't need them. People just need to be strong.There are people who are in a worse case than you are.
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    Sep 03, 2014 3:38 PM GMT
    have no expectations
  • metta

    Posts: 39153

    Sep 03, 2014 3:43 PM GMT
    It sounds like you need more help than you can get on a message board. Find a good lgbt friendly counselor. IMO, you should not seek out physical contact/dating/relationships until you are comfortable with who you are. You need to work on that.



    Coming Out Of Shame would be a good book for you to read as well:

    http://www.amazon.com/Coming-Out-Shame-Transforming-Lesbian/dp/0385477961/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1409758975&sr=8-1&keywords=coming+out+of+shame


    This may be bad advise, but if you are really concerned about experience, maybe you should consider hiring an escort, talk to him about your situation. That will give you some experience to make you feel more comfortable in the future. People have been doing this for centuries. Make sure to use condoms. There are web sites where you can find them. Politicians seem to like http://www.rentboy.com
  • metta

    Posts: 39153

    Sep 03, 2014 3:45 PM GMT
    terrance saidWe don't have therapists or any antidepressants in China and we don't need them. People just need to be strong.There are people who are in a worse case than you are.


    That is pretty ignorant. It is not about being weak or strong. It is not about other people having bigger problems. He needs to work through his issues before doing anything else and a professional counselor could be very helpful in helping him sort it out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 03, 2014 4:49 PM GMT
    You can accept yourself only when you are able to realize that you cannot control the things that are happening to you and around you. Though it is a bit difficult, the only thing on which a man can have fully control is on himself.

    Let what comes come and what goes go, why worry?. Be content and have self satisfaction; Have no expectations(neither good nor bad). Acceptance comes from being content with the truth. When you see something happening to you or around you and that 'truth' is troubling your conscience; stand up, Go, be fearless to face it. Do your best.

    You don't need a therapist. Have faith in yourself. Be strong like a lion and humble, loving and forgiving as Buddha. That's all the world/humanity needs from each one of us.

    People accept themselves only because they have accepted the inevitable and immutable truth that is facing right against them. And if the truth is difficult to comprehend and confusing, welcome the complexity and give very little or no thought to it. In time, you'll understand without any effort.
    Best wishes.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 03, 2014 4:54 PM GMT
    terrance saidWe don't have therapists or any antidepressants in China and we don't need them. People just need to be strong.There are people who are in a worse case than you are.


    I agree people are dying of hunger war and thirst every second and some people get the nerve to complain about depression, ungrateful bastards they should be hanged and their body dragged across the street as punishment
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    Sep 03, 2014 5:02 PM GMT
    atlanticshore said
    terrance saidWe don't have therapists or any antidepressants in China and we don't need them. People just need to be strong.There are people who are in a worse case than you are.


    I agree people are dying of hunger war and thirst every second and some people get the nerve to complain about depression, ungrateful bastards they should be hanged and their body dragged across the street as punishment


    Uhh.....whut? icon_eek.gif
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    Sep 03, 2014 5:51 PM GMT
    Assuming the OP is legit - and I am extremely skeptical - Self acceptance is not something that is achieved on a set schedule as a result of a formulaic approach.

    It often takes time and travel and EXPERIENCE to really kick in. Feeling isolated and insecure is also part of the process. And so is disappointment. Not everyone or everything is going to live up to one's hopes/expectations.

    But many things will far exceed Your wildest dreams and those are the experiences to keep pursuing. They are out there. Maybe not on grind'r or at the local beer blast, but they are out there.

    If people around you are connecting - be happy for them. Maybe they are doing something you can emulate. Maybe their journey is just very different than your own.

    If something doesn't work out the way you thought you wanted it to, rest assured that something even better is coming for you.

    If everyone's life was a complete and total package by the time they were 25' there wouldn't be any reason to turn 26.

    And finally, if you are really suicidal over such issues, find a professional to help guide you. You may need more than a website or app can really offer.

    Good luck and enjoy the ride.

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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 03, 2014 6:18 PM GMT
    terrance saidWe don't have therapists or any antidepressants in China and we don't need them. People just need to be strong.There are people who are in a worse case than you are.


    Yep, you don't need them because Chinese culture and government policy is based on devaluation of the individual human being ... no single person has any worth, only the collective.
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    Sep 03, 2014 7:39 PM GMT
    terrance saidWe don't have therapists or any antidepressants in China and we don't need them. People just need to be strong.There are people who are in a worse case than you are.


    You also eat puppies in China. 'Nuff said.

    Anyway, thanks to everyone else once again who is offering actual advice instead of sitting there and passing ignorant judgment.

    And despite what some people have said in this thread, I am not trolling. I may have made other threads in the past similar to this, but I'm only mentioning my situation again because it either hasn't improved, or is getting worse. Sometimes it's nice to hear things more than once to reassure myself that things will be okay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 03, 2014 8:08 PM GMT
    To accept yourself, first learn to know yourself.

    To be happy, first learn to be content.

    (I have no idea what that means)
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    Sep 04, 2014 12:13 AM GMT
    pazzy said
    ant811 said
    terrance saidWe don't have therapists or any antidepressants in China and we don't need them. People just need to be strong.There are people who are in a worse case than you are.


    You also eat puppies in China. 'Nuff said.

    Anyway, thanks to everyone else once again who is offering actual advice instead of sitting there and passing ignorant judgment.

    And despite what some people have said in this thread, I am not trolling. I may have made other threads in the past similar to this, but I'm only mentioning my situation again because it either hasn't improved, or is getting worse. Sometimes it's nice to hear things more than once to reassure myself that things will be okay.


    look, man. i didn't say the things earlier to diss you or belittle you. more of just wondering why you were repeating the same question as if people didn't reach out to you when they did. i apologize if i did.

    the problem that you seem to have is a lack of patience. ignore what the world says about when you have to start dating, when you have to get this done, that done and etc. everybody has their own road in life. no one road is the same just like no one person is the same. yes, the world is always on the move and life is fast where you'll be 30 before you know it. handle your business BUT @ the same time, just be aware that things may or may not happen when you want them to happen. it's about accepting the things you can control and accepting the things that you have no control over. quick question, do you have ocd? not to put you on blast but it wouldn't surprise me if you do. a lot of people that worry have some sort of anxiety problem.


    you also do NOT need to have sex, graduate college, and etc to be happy with who you are. there's plenty of people that are miserable as fuck, look on this forum, that are having sex, graduated college, have jobs and etc.


    It's all good man. icon_smile.gif

    And yeah, I actually have been diagnosed with OCD in the past. It's actually gotten better over the last few years, but it's definitely still there.

    I know not everyone has the same road in life, and that's what I keep telling myself so that I don't feel like I'm some sort of loser. It's just that when I see others progressing so much and then I look at myself, I feel like I'm not really growing as a person.

    I'm taking the right steps by going back to school, trying to lose weight/get in shape, but it's still hard. I look around and feel like I'm so behind.

    Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.