Married couple and a 'straight' roommate

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2014 7:10 PM GMT
    So my husband and I recently moved in with a roommate to cut down on rent costs (Let's call our roommate Leon). We've both known Leon for quite some time; and we all get along really really well. We enjoy a lot of the same things and live similar lifestyles- degreed, fit, quiet and introverted, enjoy the finer things like going to the symphony, drinking wine, and exploring the wilderness. None of us are really into the club/bar/city scene; even though its just a few blocks away.

    My husband and I have always had a feeling that our roommate Leon is gay; but he has never admitted to such (even way before we moved in together). He has maintained a long distance relationship with a young woman for roughly five years. However, he rarely sees, talks, or does anything with this 'significant other'. On top of that, he doesn't seem to be too enamored with her. On the other hand, he's told us (albeit when he was a little tipsy) that he "... Might be 15 or 25% gay". So let's just say that he's straight and may have some same-sex attractions. This is 2014, so no need to use labels or put people in boxes). On top of this, we've gotten the feeling before that Leon may be a little attracted to one or both of us (My husband and I that is). I won't go into details, but some of it is a little more than homo-erotic.

    Both my husband and myself have talked to each other about messing around with between ourselves and Leon. We are exclusive and not in an open-relationship; but both of us have some feelings for our roommate and have for some time. We don't ever want to mess up the friendly and respectful relationship with Leon; but neither of us want to miss out on what could be a really amazing experience if Leon admitted to us that he also has feelings for us or even just agreed to mess around. I want to know how we could possibly approach this topic with Leon. Obviously it is his decision to discuss his sexual and romantic attractions; but I want to let him know it is ok to tell us if he has an attraction towards us (or towards men in general). He comes from a very conservative cultural background; so I can understand what might hold him back. He's proven to be very open-minded about other things that have really surprised me. We don't want to put Leon in an awkward situation where he feels are coming onto him too strongly; but we also want to try and make a move and see if Leon will play along.

    What is everyones' take on this situation and how can my husband and I approach Leon? We've never had intercourse with a third man and never have dated a third partner; but it is something we both would like to try with this specific person. The preferred goal would be to get Leon as an exclusive third for a while (talking months or a couple years); but I think my husband and I would both settle to just playing around once or twice with Leon. We aren't really looking at other guys just to find somebody, we both really like Leon and have some romantic, emotion, and physical attraction to him. We already all go out and do things together; this would be just taking the next step- but a step we are unsure he would be able/willing to take.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Sep 02, 2014 7:23 PM GMT
    Write him a short note. Leave it on his dresser. Never mention it unless he does first. Reassure him if he isn't sure he likes the idea or if he wants to experiment but may not want to take it further, that nothing will change in your friendship or living arrangements. But that you both like him tremendously and have thought about the possibility. Keep it short and don't expect a response for a while. Give him time. Forever, if that is his decision. And don't forget, he may have romantic feelings for ONE of you but is too good a friend to act on it. There is risk in opening up the can of worms...
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    Sep 02, 2014 7:57 PM GMT
    I think you're potentially putting him into a very uncomfortable position . I would not go there