Income inequality in gay couples

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2014 12:07 AM GMT
    What are people's attitudes to income disparities in relationships or dating?

    Do you not mind who earns more? Do you want to be the bread winner? Do you not like the idea of dating someone who earns less than you?

    Just curious since heterosexual couples are now seeing a change in that it's more acceptable in societies eyes for a woman to be the bread winner (even though some seem to resent it) now things are becoming equal. How does this translate to gay couples though?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2014 12:09 AM GMT
    I dont care how much he earns as long as he cooks for me and washes my clothes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2014 12:12 AM GMT
    David3K saidI dont care how much he earns as long as he cooks for me and washes my clothes.

    You want a wifey icon_razz.gif
  • chrislove923

    Posts: 19

    Sep 06, 2014 1:59 AM GMT
    For me, income isn't important. I like when a guy isn't afraid to struggle with me to get where we need to be. In my opinion, that shows how strong we can be and makes for a long lasting relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2014 2:27 AM GMT
    It's a personal decision between the couple. It's not a rule.

    I feel most comfortable when we both have roughly the same income. But others can choose differently.

    I have never written income down on a paper, with any LTR I've had, and never compared. I have some general idea.

    What's important is that neither of us is financially dependent on the other. That confuses things, makes one of us a dependent, not an equal. Beyond that I don't care. You wanna make a balance sheet, hire an accountant. I'm not gonna do that. To me that's mercenary, not what I do.

    What concerns me more than anything is whether our LOVE is equal. I'll spend money and not give it a second thought, never audit it. But if I think my love is going down a hole, and not being returned in full, then watch me pull the plug in a heartbeat.

    Every couple is different. So that my formula may not be yours. But this concept of equality of love and rough parity of income is what has worked best for me. You must decide for yourself what you want.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 06, 2014 3:07 AM GMT
    That's been a problem.
    I would GLADLY pay more than my share if I could afford it.

    I had a boyfriend whose income was FOUR TIMES what mine was, but he was disgusted any time he paid for lunch or anything else.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2014 3:29 AM GMT
    I have honestly never cared one way or another.

    Never have.

    Never will.

    icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Sep 06, 2014 2:46 PM GMT
    I think it all depends on how everyone is comfortable with things like this. My husband makes tons more than I do. He does pay for most things as my income isn't nearly close to his. We also have a 16 month old boy. I cut my work schedule in half so that I can stay home and take care of him. I also do all the yard work and home repairs but we do have a house keeper that comes once a week to help out and a nanny two days a week. It's trying to balance it all out. We both give in different areas more where we can.

    I try to do more as I stated by doing the yard work, home repairs, laundry, taking care of the little guy, Grocery shopping, errands ,etc...So I'm Mr. Mom and I'm cool with that. I would feel horrible like I wasn't doing anything to contribute to our family if I wasn't doing my part in areas where I can't afford to like he can.

    We have a great lifestyle, we travel loads, we have a beautiful house in the Hollywood hills, nice cars, amazing true friends, loving family and we love each other very much. At the end of the day I feel we are both grateful for what and who we have in each other. You have to work as a couple or family and put 110 percent in or someone is gonna feel used. No one likes a slacker!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2014 3:19 PM GMT
    I don't mind income disparity. I just don't like when the one with the lesser income begins to feel entitled to the others income.

    When my ex's hours were cut at his place of employment he basically became the stay at home housewife and felt because he was cooking and "cleaning" it wasn't all that important for him to find gainful employment. He focused on his art, which wasn't selling, his fashion designs, which weren't selling, and his folk dance troupe, which earned him no income. Well, that wasn't the set up we had when we moved in together. I expected him to at least be able to pay his share of the living expenses. I can cook, clean, and do laundry for myself. I don't need a maid

    I don't need a dependent for which I can't get a tax credit.

    I also wouldn't want to put myself in a position where if my partner up and left me I wouldn't be in a position to support myself.
  • chrislove923

    Posts: 19

    Sep 06, 2014 8:02 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidI don't mind income disparity. I just don't like when the one with the lesser income begins to feel entitled to the others income.

    When my ex's hours were cut at his place of employment he basically became the stay at home housewife and felt because he was cooking and "cleaning" it wasn't all that important for him to find gainful employment. He focused on his art, which wasn't selling, his fashion designs, which weren't selling, and his folk dance troupe, which earned him no income. Well, that wasn't the set up we had when we moved in together. I expected him to at least be able to pay his share of the living expenses. I can cook, clean, and do laundry for myself. I don't need a maid

    I don't need a dependent for which I can't get a tax credit.

    I also wouldn't want to put myself in a position where if my partner up and left me I wouldn't be in a position to support myself.


    But your partner is the person you love, not your roommate... I think it should make you feel good to help out your partner when he's struggling.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2014 8:14 PM GMT
    pazzy saidwell, it really doesn't matter if it's with the right person and not a fucking parasitic leech that has NO conscience.

    but i'll admit, i've seen first hand how income inequality can be used to hurt somebody where the breadwinner basically being abused.

    case in point, i know two people where one person basically is the breadwinner, the other person makes less. they both take on responsibilities on what bills to pay. that other person that makes less money uses that as an excuse to be irresponsible to the point where they manipulate the person that makes the most money to pay THEIR bills as well as the bills they already pay for. the person with less money basically wants to take the credit that the person with more money who's paying all the bills where they're insulting that person, demeaning them, trying to manipulate them to putting their name on the phone bill, light bill, and etc. that person with less money doesn't even attempt to manage their money right or even do shit to make more money to help out that person.

    so yes, there are people out there that are like that.


    good argument
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2014 8:58 PM GMT
    Iv seen more success stories tban failures on this subject. However i also am older and my peer group all have gone thru less sucsessfull relationships and learned the lessons therin.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2014 9:01 PM GMT
    It's not just a matter of income or home labor but what happens to the children when a gay couple divorces.

    Heteros have a lot of practice and societal support while we've had pretty much none. Even though we've seen their examples, we're pretty much flying by the seat of our pants.

    A number of my friends find themselves divorcing now, so not long before they're due to retire, they're seeing their net worths cut in half. How would we deal with that?

    One of my dear friends getting so fucked over by his soon to be x, a bitch I never liked not even when we were five years old, is so nice of a guy that he suggested she not divorce him, but just separate, so that she wouldn't lose his medical benefits from his employer. How fucked over did he get? She's never worked, he carried the entire load of paying for her and to raise three kids, she's been handling the money, he's been making six figures. Just found out he's broke. She's given it all to the church. That's how nice of a guy my friend is.

    Do we know how to do that? Have we had structures supporting that? We're going to make a crap load of mistakes moving forward before we figure out how this works. First we have to figure out who should text next if the last guy merely tweeted.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2014 10:06 PM GMT
    It depends on the guys, I dated guys who are a little more well-off than me before. However, I didn't find the connection with them to be great. So I'm open-minded dating guys who make less than me, money comes and goes, a good man is really hard to find.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 07, 2014 12:05 AM GMT
    Personally its a difficult question to me because I believe I wouldn't want to earn less in case it was used as a stick to beat me with. I am also attracted to older men so it's a catch 22 because most guys older than me also have had longer to progress in their careers and I worry that any man who happens to earn more may potentially see someone earning less as a drain or may specifically see me as not having much worth.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 07, 2014 1:35 AM GMT
    Sometimes, the breadwinner is more frequently between jobs. Someday, I'll meet someone making 6 figures who has time to take care of himself and share his life.

    Straight friends keep lamenting how much work relationships actually are. Latest problem is my best friend/gym buddy is enduring a long weekend with his GFs parents.

    Told him I'm envious that he has someone to be upset over.

    If I ever meet someone with the same work demands, same fetishes, same temperament, doesn't piss all over the bathroom and endures my cat, I wonder what will be the deal breaker.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 07, 2014 4:49 AM GMT
    My attitude is always in flux. I've made an ex after a job loss and relocation...and sometimes wonder if I let my pride get in the way. No amount of tears and crying could resuscitate my feelings, while at the same time we were girding for a financial imbalance that would do us in anyhow.

    I think if this were to happen again, either way, communication regarding realistic expectations are in order. Everyone is unique.

    Plus I knew at that point he would stop washing, drying, and folding my clothes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 07, 2014 5:19 AM GMT
    dannyboyUK saidWhat are people's attitudes to income disparities in relationships or dating?
    I'm a professional pilot with a pretty comfortable income. I'm dating a bisexual guy who dropped out of high school and has a girlfriend and has no GED. But he's hot and his personality is awesome, and he's way more intelligent than most other professionals I know. Did I mention he's hot? Yeah, that's the important part...along with the fact that I can talk to him on an intellectual level. And he's hot.

    Income is no issue when you don't want it to be. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 07, 2014 12:40 PM GMT
    southbeach1500 said
    Art_Deco saidIt's a personal decision between the couple. It's not a rule.

    I feel most comfortable when we both have roughly the same income. But others can choose differently.

    I have never written income down on a paper, with any LTR I've had, and never compared. I have some general idea.

    What's important is that neither of us is financially dependent on the other. That confuses things, makes one of us a dependent, not an equal. Beyond that I don't care. You wanna make a balance sheet, hire an accountant. I'm not gonna do that. To me that's mercenary, not what I do.

    What concerns me more than anything is whether our LOVE is equal. I'll spend money and not give it a second thought, never audit it. But if I think my love is going down a hole, and not being returned in full, then watch me pull the plug in a heartbeat.

    Every couple is different. So that my formula may not be yours. But this concept of equality of love and rough parity of income is what has worked best for me. You must decide for yourself what you want.


    Good advice.


    2nd that... LOVE is equal over anything else.

    If your focusing on income it's time to rethink your focus.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 07, 2014 1:07 PM GMT
    Webster666 saidThat's been a problem.
    I would GLADLY pay more than my share if I could afford it.

    I had a boyfriend whose income was FOUR TIMES what mine was, but he was disgusted any time he paid for lunch or anything else.


    How sad! Totally wrong mate, for sure! I buy lunch all the time and never give it a second thought. Our incomes are different, but in a relationship my saying has always been, My Fries are Your Fries.
    Jack's last Valentines Day card even said that.
    He buys somethings for me or for us and I do the same.
    We grocery shop together every Sunday morning and buy a weeks worth of groceries. We either take turns swiping our credit card or we split it in half.
    Some restaurants we even give them 2 credit cards. Some I just pay the whole thing and never blink twice about it. Just a part of life.
    Art said it best above.. it's not about and nickel and dime in a relationship, it's about equal love.

    btw.. the nice thing about gay relationships is you get to decide if you pull your money in one account or keep separate checking accounts. There's some beauty in separate accounts in that you never EVER have to fight over money, since you have some control over what you're spending. No discussion ever needed about purchases.
    You wanna go buy a new MacBook Pro, go heal yourself and get one. Why should I care. If I want to buy a new TV or Fan for the bedroom, no big deal.
    Separate, but shared if that makes any sense.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 07, 2014 2:17 PM GMT
    JuanPablomv89 said
    theantijock saidIt's not just a matter of income or home labor but what happens to the children when a gay couple divorces.

    Heteros have a lot of practice and societal support while we've had pretty much none. Even though we've seen their examples, we're pretty much flying by the seat of our pants.

    A number of my friends find themselves divorcing now, so not long before they're due to retire, they're seeing their net worths cut in half. How would we deal with that?

    One of my dear friends getting so fucked over by his soon to be x, a bitch I never liked not even when we were five years old, is so nice of a guy that he suggested she not divorce him, but just separate, so that she wouldn't lose his medical benefits from his employer. How fucked over did he get? She's never worked, he carried the entire load of paying for her and to raise three kids, she's been handling the money, he's been making six figures. Just found out he's broke. She's given it all to the church. That's how nice of a guy my friend is.

    Do we know how to do that? Have we had structures supporting that? We're going to make a crap load of mistakes moving forward before we figure out how this works. First we have to figure out who should text next if the last guy merely tweeted.



    I have a female who never worked a day in her entire 25 years now she is dating a guy who pays everything for her. Why women have the privileged to never work having men paying and supporting them? So unffair.




    I dont know where you live but here most women I know work. I have this group of friends, all proffesional that could perfectly support their wives and yet in every case the 2 of them work.
    Im ok with women being totally dependent of men though but what I see is that women not working was something from the past (1 or 2 generations ago) nowadays they all work, at least here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 07, 2014 2:39 PM GMT
    If you stay together long enough, you may find your roles reversing in this regard, sometimes multiple times.

    We'll be together 11 years next month. In that time, we've each been laid off (him twice), lost a parent (him) had surgery (me) and now he's starting out in a new field where it's taking him a while to build a clientele so I am largely paying the bills. But it hasn't always been that way, and it won't be forever. He's working pretty much constantly so I don't resent it in the least. You adjust your lifestyle and focus on priorities. We have pretty much no debt and are still able to find time/money to have some fun.

    I won't lie and say I will be glad to balance the scale again, just because there's more stuff I wish we could be doing, saving more, etc. But we're doing okay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 07, 2014 3:25 PM GMT
    If income is unequal then maybe try to equalize work
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 07, 2014 3:38 PM GMT
    Some people do better in the work world than others. Some people are happier working, others not. My mother was a workaholic so working was a big part of her happiness. I was always very good at my job--winning all sorts of corporate awards--but never really felt attached to it so thought I'd like not working and retired early. Yet now I find I don't like that and want my job back. I hadn't planned on everyone around me dying, thought I might like travel but I didn't like that without my bud who died, thought there'd be more to do. Finally I'm understanding what my mother always tried to tell me.

    But some people thrive better living like that. So if the partnership can afford it, why not? If the wife wants to not work but raise the kids or the dogs, do the Junior League, volunteer to make sammiches for the orphans, whatever, that's still a productive life. If I had a good man coming home to me, I might like that. My brother and his wife who doesn't work have a wonderful relationship. I just don't like it on my own. Maybe someone is better off meditating all day, maybe someone has difficulty integrating into society yet has such a lovely heart to make coming home from work worthwhile. There can be any number of such combinations of coupling.

    But our gay community doesn't know that and will likely be hard pressed to allow for that as we are only coming into our own during a time when it is more in vogue for everyone to carry their own weight. We don't have the experience of caring for others, neither for spouse nor children, because our coupling is only now becoming acceptable. We never before had the societal structures to support that (marriage, rights of adoption, etc. ). Are there even jobs for everyone? What then?

    So we have to learn all of that, or not. What teaches us, marriage? Maybe divorce, when our assets are divided regardless of who did more of the accumulating. Or will gay people marry only prenupts? We have a lot to learn.

    http://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2002/05/art2full.pdf
    ...Slowdown in growth of the labor force. The high growth rate of the civilian labor force1 in the last 50 years will be replaced by much lower growth rates in the next 50 years. The civilian labor force was 62 million in 1950 and grew to 141 million in 2000, an increase of nearly 79 million, or an annual growth rate of 1.6 percent per year, between 1950 and 2000. It is projected that the labor force will reach 192 million in 2050,an increase of 51 million, or a growth rate of 0.6 percent annually, between 2000 and 2050.

    Changes in gender structure of the labor force. Women in the labor force increased their numbers at an extremely rapid pace in the past 50 years. It is anticipated that their labor force growth will slow markedly in the next 50 years. The factor most responsible for the earlier high growth rate was the rapid increase in the labor force participation rate of women, which stood at 34 percent in 1950 and increased to 60 percent by 2000. The number of women in the labor force rose from 18 million in 1950 to 66 million in 2000, an annual growth rate of 2.6 percent. The share of women in the labor force grew from 30 percent in 1950 to almost 47 percent in 2000, and the number of working women is projected to reach 92 million by 2050—on the basis of an annual growth rate of 0.7 percent. That same year, women’s share of the workforce is expected to
    be nearly 48 percent.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 07, 2014 3:50 PM GMT
    As long as we have separate bank accounts, and a mutual account, it will work IMO. Everyone pays proportionally. In the gay community most guys keep saying shit like 'love will happen, just wait', they are very picky and the gay community is so small, they end up dying alone.