Co-parentling. My Boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend want to have a baby, but we would be the main parents,

  • Pexus

    Posts: 70

    Sep 06, 2014 7:05 AM GMT
    Have any other guys any experience of this? What do you think about it?

    When my boyfriend and I got together he didn't tell me that he was in a relationship with a woman (she's a high profile gynaecologist here in France) but I was the one who won the prize and therefore him. icon_biggrin.gif

    I've always thought he'd make a great parent and will support the whole thing. I've encouraged him to consider it and we've talked a lot about how it would affect lifestyle etc. Now it's becoming a bit more real. She is 35 and has never met anyone else she would rather have a child with, even after 4 years.

    I was married and have my own (adult) kids so I know what's involved but I wondered if there were other guys who have experiences of co-parenting and can help us think it all through before we go ahead.

    Thanks guys...
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Sep 06, 2014 7:11 AM GMT
    Go for it.
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    Sep 06, 2014 4:00 PM GMT
    Just know that she will always be in the picture for the rest of your life. If you're both OK with that, then why not.
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    Sep 06, 2014 4:18 PM GMT
    Pexus saidHave any other guys any experience of this? What do you think about it?

    When my boyfriend and I got together he didn't tell me that he was in a relationship with a woman (she's a high profile gynaecologist here in France) but I was the one who won the prize and therefore him. icon_biggrin.gif

    I've always thought he'd make a great parent and will support the whole thing. I've encouraged him to consider it and we've talked a lot about how it would affect lifestyle etc. Now it's becoming a bit more real. She is 35 and has never met anyone else she would rather have a child with, even after 4 years.

    I was married and have my own (adult) kids so I know what's involved but I wondered if there were other guys who have experiences of co-parenting and can help us think it all through before we go ahead.

    Thanks guys...

    Consult with an attorney (solicitor) to confirm the laws in France. Here in the US the law is still unclear on these situations.

    There are many cases where the birth mother successfully claims exclusive parental rights, wins child support from the father, and denies him contact & visitation rights. In spite of signed agreements before the birth. US courts often side with the birth mother, regardless of contracts. Hopefully France is different, but do check first.
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    Sep 06, 2014 4:22 PM GMT
    Are you sure you want to do that ?

    Think about it , the child will be conceived with the sperm of your boyfriend , and the pregnancy will be carried and delivered by his ex-girlfriend .

    Everything goes well , the baby is born and you , you boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend are SHARING the child , the 2 names on the birth certificate will be : your BOYFRIEND and his EX-GIRLFRIEND .

    5years from now , the child is 4 , you have been in his life raising him for 4 years , you love him . Then you your loving relationship take a sour turn , and then you boyfriend decides to cut you out of child's life !
    Think about how many married couples go thru that , and even having fathered and mothered the child , the parents fight in courts for months to get to see the child !
    Your NAME will never be on that child birth certificate , meaning you will have no rights !

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    Sep 06, 2014 6:03 PM GMT
    Way to much drama (18+years) for my blood.
    I would question the real motivations, as it sounds like a great way to keep someone in your life for EVER.

    Won't you have grand kids you two can spoil instead?
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Sep 06, 2014 6:23 PM GMT
    It could work out well, but the outcome is impossible to predict. It could create serious emotional and legal problems that you would have to deal with for decades to come during which you would regret your decision. Only you can decide whether it is worth the risk.

    Instead, why not adopt a child and give him or her a good hope which otherwise he or she would not have?
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    Sep 06, 2014 6:30 PM GMT
    Stupid decision fraught with dangers too numerous to recount here. DON'T DO IT.

    GET A PUPPY OR PET ROCK.
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    Sep 06, 2014 7:38 PM GMT
    Seems like a bad idea. One that that is troubling is that he didn't even tell you about his wife in the beginning.
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    Sep 06, 2014 9:16 PM GMT
    Aren't you bit old for parenting kid again?
  • blueandgold

    Posts: 396

    Sep 06, 2014 11:57 PM GMT
    morphic saidAren't you bit old for parenting kid again?


    Hes already had several children; I think hes aware of the commitment and whether he's capable of it.

    My best friend was raised by his grandmother who is older than the op after his biological decided they didn't want anything to do with him. People are capable of love and responsibility at any age.
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    Sep 06, 2014 11:58 PM GMT
    Oh HELL no.

    Having a formerly intimate third party just opens up the door for issues later on down the road. I'd pass.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 07, 2014 12:56 AM GMT
    I see nothing but trouble, expense, and heartache for you, in this situation.
    If the two of you (males) want children, adopt them.
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    Sep 07, 2014 1:56 AM GMT
    As an uncle who's helped to care for my own nieces and nephews for brief fleeting moments of pure fun and vacation, I've realized one important matter regarding the raising of children . . . it truly does take a village.

    Growing up . . . I have always dreamed about raising children. Now that I'm old, I just don't see how becoming involved in such a life altering endeavor is even remotely possible without at least a partner . . . and THEN some, such as grandparents or extended 'family' nearby.

    Okay, so now for some fun stuff . . . I'm not sure who else will be involved, but if his ex-girlfriend is as high profile and intelligent as you portray, then she's already considered how immensely valuable a resource you would be in such an arrangement . . . whether or not he or she has acknowledged that to you. I'm willing to bet.
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    Sep 07, 2014 3:21 AM GMT
    Pexus saidCo-parentling...

    I like the sound of that. Kind of like a foundling or a changeling...
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    Sep 07, 2014 3:28 AM GMT
    I don't know what the laws are in France. But in the US, if the arrangement goes sour for some reason, guess who gets sole custody of the child.

    MPADFKe.jpg
  • Pexus

    Posts: 70

    Sep 07, 2014 10:28 AM GMT

    Okay, so now for some fun stuff . . . I'm not sure who else will be involved, but if his ex-girlfriend is as high profile and intelligent as you portray, then she's already considered how immensely valuable a resource you would be in such an arrangement . . . whether or not he or she has acknowledged that to you. I'm willing to bet.[/quote]


    You are absolutely right with that comment. It will be us raising the child rather than her but the child will know its parents and have a life with all of them.

    She has acknowledged that she would only go ahead if I were in agreement, which I am. I have my reservations and many of them have been voiced here but I still feel that my partner will make a fantastic parent and I will be privileged to be a part of that.
  • Pexus

    Posts: 70

    Sep 07, 2014 10:31 AM GMT
    xrichx saidI don't know what the laws are in France. But in the US, if the arrangement goes sour for some reason, guess who gets sole custody of the child.

    MPADFKe.jpg


    In France the mother is not seen as the only parent capable of raising a child. Often the custody is shared with penalties for those who do not comply. I won't have a legal status and that concerns me. Should anything happen that needs a parent's decision and I'm the one with the child, I want to be able to make that decision. I will talk to a friend who is a lawyer in family matters and see what the best way forward is.
  • Pexus

    Posts: 70

    Sep 07, 2014 10:35 AM GMT
    And 'thanks' blueandgolden

    I am a parent already with children and grandchildren. I know what it is to hold your own child and feel the weight of that responsibility and the wonder of their future in your arms.

    It is beyond words….

    And as long as I live who gives a **** how old I am? Only those with ageist views, it's good to see you are not one of them.
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    Sep 07, 2014 11:51 AM GMT
    Pexus saidAnd 'thanks' blueandgolden

    I am a parent already with children and grandchildren. I know what it is to hold your own child and feel the weight of that responsibility and the wonder of their future in your arms.

    It is beyond words….

    And as long as I live who gives a **** how old I am? Only those with ageist views, it's good to see you are not one of them.

    I am far from ageist. You do have to accept the fact that with increasing age comes certain limitation on what you can do and what you can't. If I question some 70 years old guy's intention to start a career as gymnast, that isn't ageist.
    Go out and ask how many 60 years old couple, straight or gay, would be interested in raising a kid.
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    Sep 07, 2014 11:59 AM GMT
    blueandgold said
    morphic saidAren't you bit old for parenting kid again?


    Hes already had several children; I think hes aware of the commitment and whether he's capable of it.

    My best friend was raised by his grandmother who is older than the op after his biological decided they didn't want anything to do with him. People are capable of love and responsibility at any age.

    I didn't question his capability of love and responsibility, more the limitations that come with an old age. In his case, it seems the kid will have another set of younger parents to look after him.
    As far as grandma scenario goes, out of love and due to lack of options, she had to go for it. I am sure if you had asked grandma, if willingly she would like to raise a kid at 70, her answer would have been a straightforward NO.
  • Pexus

    Posts: 70

    Sep 07, 2014 12:38 PM GMT
    The debate about ageism is another one that I maybe should start as a forum topic. I don't experience it too much here in France. This is for two reasons, one I've never really looked my age and two the concept of age is less defining of you as a person here.

    By that I mean that your age is how much age you have "J'ai xx ans" or 'I have xx years" This is very different from the Anglo-Saxon view of how old 'are" you. You are not defined by your age and there is less delineation between generations. Many of our friends, for example are in couples that have 10+ years age difference. It's who you are and how you treat people that are important.

    Many grandparents welcome the chance to help with the raising of their next generation. You have a lot to give and most of us are free from the maladies that struck pervious generations and made their old age a feeble one.

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    Sep 07, 2014 10:33 PM GMT
    This has to be one of the most intriguing thread posts I have ever read. Believe it or not I am one of the most positive oriented kind of guys you will ever meet. You know I've heard that a head-on train wreck can be an interesting thing to watch but very few people ever get to see the two trains as they move towards each other from a distance before crashing in to one another. But I've been told that watching a slow motion train wreck is the worse because every small second that you are watching it you know what's going to happen and you know that there will be an explosion and people will be destroyed and killed. Just being honest, as I think about what you say here that your current boyfriend's ex-lover and girlfriend (this is a female we're talking about here) wants to make a baby with your boyfriend's sperm (not yours by the way) and then she will just let the two of you raise her baby without her even being involved as its mother? Is that right? But at one time this woman was in love, or the lover, of your current boyfriend yes? Oh my. Unless you are leaving out some facts about this entire situation from your post, this would be the first slow head-on train wreck I would have ever witnessed. But I could be very wrong and all this turns out great. I hope it does actually. Good luck.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 08, 2014 1:17 AM GMT
    Make sure everything, EVERYTHING is in writing and done through legal channels. I don't care how close you all are. I would "never" consider doing something like that unless the business side of it was in good order.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Sep 08, 2014 2:08 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidMake sure everything, EVERYTHING is in writing and done through legal channels. I don't care how close you all are. I would "never" consider doing something like that unless the business side of it was in good order.


    Getting the legal side in good order cannot be relied upon to prevent serious emotional problems which cannot be accurately predicted.