Don't Touch Me

  • chrislove923

    Posts: 19

    Sep 06, 2014 11:08 AM GMT
    Do you ever get those days when you just don't feel like being touched or bothered? I'm an affectionate person, but sometimes I'm just not. And it's hard for me because my boyfriend lives with me and spends every moment with me unless I'm at work or in school. I love him but sometimes I just want to be alone.
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    Sep 06, 2014 1:45 PM GMT
    chrislove923 saidDo you ever get those days when you just don't feel like being touched or bothered? I'm an affectionate person, but sometimes I'm just not. And it's hard for me because my boyfriend lives with me and spends every moment with me unless I'm at work or in school. I love him but sometimes I just want to be alone.


    I can relate to not so much the physical part but needing space. We share a bedroom but each have our own day rooms in the house (in part because we both work from here as well) and yes, it's a lot of togetherness, especially if you lived alone a long time.

    I think it boils down to communication... how do you say "I love you but I sometimes need time alone to think... or not think... i just need it." and have the person not feel like he did something wrong?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Sep 06, 2014 1:57 PM GMT
    Yeah, I've got that, too. It isn't that I wouldn't do anything for him, I just need some privacy sometimes. Physical and mental. I can tell he is hurt when I pull back from his touch. I guess I'm hoping he just sees it as an odd quirk that he can deal with. Though that isn't much of a strategy.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 06, 2014 2:02 PM GMT
    We all like (and value) our alone time. I think the mature approach is to talk about it and explain how you feel to your boyfriend. If he loves you, he'll understand and give you space and NOT take it personally.

    A good long term relationship requires understanding and flexibility. Make sure and talk to him and hope all will go well. We do need space sometimes!

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    Sep 06, 2014 3:21 PM GMT
    It can definitely be a matter of space that can help things out, as everybody can benefit from personal time and solitude.

    If common space is cramped (like a studio apartment), even a bathroom or a retrofitted closet space can give you the room you need to find some free time at home. I've found that just putting a lounge chair directly facing a window with a relaxing view, maybe some plants around it, can help.

    If those options aren't comfortable or feasible, grab a bike or some jogging shoes and get to a park or a quiet public space where you can make some time for yourself.

    You can also encourage your partner to occupy himself with some more hobbies (sports, a book club, a film club) on his own that frees up time at home for you. When you're both at home, he can commit to doing certain quiet chores (no vacuuming, lol) that keeps him busy without bothering you.

    In any case, your partner will want to build up a rough understanding of how much personal time you'll need on a regular basis: at least an hour or two per day? ten hours a week? He won't want to be overly-intrusive, but he wants to enjoy the moments he's with you enough that he'll value those periods of time you need for yourself.
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    Sep 06, 2014 6:20 PM GMT
    Never! I absolutely love being touched. I crave affection and skin to skin contact.

    If I tell you don't touch me it's because I'm pissed at you.
  • chrislove923

    Posts: 19

    Sep 06, 2014 7:57 PM GMT
    Yeah, we live in a one-bedroom apartment but we pretty much just chill in the room because one of my friends sleeps on my sofa. (Long story; my friend needs to move out)

    But with my boyfriend, it's just that we're always together. He's new to NYC so he doesn't really have his own friends. He just chills with me and my friends. Then he's ALWAYS home if I'm there. So I don't even get a chance to write a song or play my piano or anything that I do when I'm alone.

    I did tell him this morning how I felt and I could tell it bothered him that I was basically telling him to go away for a little while. He aid he's gonna occupy himself today with all the laundry and things that need to be done outside the house so I can have some time to myself...HE'S STILL HERE but he should be heading out soon.
  • chrislove923

    Posts: 19

    Sep 06, 2014 7:58 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidNever! I absolutely love being touched. I crave affection and skin to skin contact.

    If I tell you don't touch me it's because I'm pissed at you.


    Maybe I'm just an introvert. I need self time and I especially need time when I'm not being touched by anyone.
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    Sep 06, 2014 8:28 PM GMT
    Since he's new to NYC, send him out once a week on a scouting trip! For a couple hours during the week, encourage him to explore the boroughs and maybe he'll grow familiar with getting around town on his own and also finding some good dating spots (for just you two) or new hangout spots for you and your friends. He might even find some housing options for your couch-sleeping bud, lol.

    If he does make the effort to go out so you can have some quiet time, when he returns, be ready to embrace him with bells on!
  • Adozark

    Posts: 299

    Sep 06, 2014 10:28 PM GMT
    EDIT: I'm sorry , I saw this thread on the homepage and didn't realize it was posted in Dating and Relationships. :/

    I can relate because I'm like that most of the time. I am not big on people touching me. People tend to think it's because I don't like them or am being distant. I play along when a friend wants to dance at a club, but I'm not particularly enjoying it.

    Oddly enough, I love lots of body contact when it comes to sex.
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    Sep 06, 2014 10:31 PM GMT
    I'm extremely affectionate and love being touched but if I never get any alone time, then yes, even I can get that feeling where I just need to be alone.
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    Sep 06, 2014 10:41 PM GMT
    So true.

    I'm the kind of person who needs my space even if it is just a break in the shower or just to be alone for an hour or two.
  • chrislove923

    Posts: 19

    Sep 07, 2014 12:26 AM GMT
    Well he ended up not going anywhere the whole day, so I am pissed. I ended up having to leave the house to get away from him and I don't feel like I should have to do that, especially since it is MY apartment.
  • Shaquann

    Posts: 16

    Sep 07, 2014 3:48 AM GMT
    Yes, I get that way, don't touch me, u not gettin any. There's nothin wrong with wanting space, but we fail in how we communicate it, I know I do, gotta work on.
  • Benz4756

    Posts: 8

    Sep 07, 2014 4:26 AM GMT
    Has this reached contempt i.e fourth stage in relationship failure?
    Is there anything else/emotions/feelings you are not sharing either from you or him? Seems this could be a bit more than just needing personal space...which can be remedied by honest communication if both partners understand the needs of each other.
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    Sep 07, 2014 9:36 AM GMT
    chrislove923 saidWell he ended up not going anywhere the whole day, so I am pissed. I ended up having to leave the house to get away from him and I don't feel like I should have to do that, especially since it is MY apartment.


    If this is how you feel now, then maybe the best thing to do is not live together.
    If periodically his company annoys you, it doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship to be honest.
    Unless of course it's something that he keeps doing that annoys you, but if there are days where him just being there annoys you then it doesn't sound too good.

    I'm not sure how frequently you feel this way but if it's a regular occurrence I'd say that you should stop living with each other because you'll just end up hating him.

    Personally I don't like people crossing the personal space barrier through physical contact for whatever unless invited to do so.
    This sounds bad as I've been told numerous times but even hugs annoy me, I am definitely not a hugger.
  • BuggEyedSprit...

    Posts: 920

    Sep 07, 2014 11:30 AM GMT
    This just reminds me of the fact that I need a good ol' knocked down, dragged out sexual healing...
  • chrislove923

    Posts: 19

    Sep 07, 2014 1:38 PM GMT
    MartyredNeons said

    If this is how you feel now, then maybe the best thing to do is not live together.
    If periodically his company annoys you, it doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship to be honest.
    Unless of course it's something that he keeps doing that annoys you, but if there are days where him just being there annoys you then it doesn't sound too good.

    I'm not sure how frequently you feel this way but if it's a regular occurrence I'd say that you should stop living with each other because you'll just end up hating him.


    I guess my thing is that for the past 2 years, I've been living on my own. I've gotten used to getting more than enough time to myself and since he's moved in, I don't get that at all anymore. I let him move in to help him out of a bad situation. The other day, I suggested that he start trying to find his own place so that we could really date and get to know each other again. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say because he got his feelings hurt. It's like I can't win for losing with him. He flipped the script on me and made it seem like he annoys me and that I just want him gone when that's definitely not the case. I love him and I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want him to respect the fact that I need time to myself. I feel like that's not a very unreasonable request. But he's satisfied with shacking up with every boyfriend he ever has basically as soon as the relationship starts. We were together for 3 years, apart for 4, and now we're back together so I think we need a chance to get to know each other again before we start living together full time.
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    Sep 07, 2014 2:38 PM GMT
    chrislove923 saidWell he ended up not going anywhere the whole day, so I am pissed. I ended up having to leave the house to get away from him and I don't feel like I should have to do that, especially since it is MY apartment.


    That had to have been an awkward situation (hehe). What was your excuse for getting out of the house? I think if I were in that situation I probably would have done the same thing. That actually happened to me last week when I had someone come down from New York for the weekend. I didn't get bored or annoyed with him being there but I did escape to the bathroom to listen to music and take a long shower.
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    Sep 07, 2014 5:21 PM GMT
    Yeah it's completely normal. Love is a hard balance of figuring out how to constantly appreciate all the time you get to spend with someone, while trying to avoid becoming desensitized from routine.

    I have designated alone time where I put myself before everyone else, even if they get put off from me avoiding them.
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    Sep 07, 2014 10:17 PM GMT
    Benz4756 saidHas this reached contempt i.e fourth stage in relationship failure?
    Is there anything else/emotions/feelings you are not sharing either from you or him? Seems this could be a bit more than just needing personal space...which can be remedied by honest communication if both partners understand the needs of each other.
    Now Benz here does ask an interesting question but I did not get the sense from your words that this is about you not loving him or your love changing. It does sound like the two of you need to figure out how to give each other some space. He sounds like he is clingy (grew up with a lack of affection in family) and you sound like you are an avoider of clinginess (grew up in an environment where there was little privacy or a lot of affection from family). If your basic personality is not liking affection and his is liking affection then your relationship will, statistically speaking, not having a happy ending. One of you will have to adjust to the other but after that happens you risk unhappiness. This is the reality of life and relationships. I wish I could help you more. Good luck.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Sep 07, 2014 10:39 PM GMT
    Yeah, I hate to say it but it doesn't sound like you just want some privacy, it sounds like you don't love him. You want him gone. Any couple has adjustment issues early on but you've been together a while (and previously) and you just don't love him. Kind of sad.
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    Sep 08, 2014 7:03 AM GMT
    chrislove923 said
    MartyredNeons said

    If this is how you feel now, then maybe the best thing to do is not live together.
    If periodically his company annoys you, it doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship to be honest.
    Unless of course it's something that he keeps doing that annoys you, but if there are days where him just being there annoys you then it doesn't sound too good.

    I'm not sure how frequently you feel this way but if it's a regular occurrence I'd say that you should stop living with each other because you'll just end up hating him.


    I guess my thing is that for the past 2 years, I've been living on my own. I've gotten used to getting more than enough time to myself and since he's moved in, I don't get that at all anymore. I let him move in to help him out of a bad situation. The other day, I suggested that he start trying to find his own place so that we could really date and get to know each other again. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say because he got his feelings hurt. It's like I can't win for losing with him. He flipped the script on me and made it seem like he annoys me and that I just want him gone when that's definitely not the case. I love him and I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want him to respect the fact that I need time to myself. I feel like that's not a very unreasonable request. But he's satisfied with shacking up with every boyfriend he ever has basically as soon as the relationship starts. We were together for 3 years, apart for 4, and now we're back together so I think we need a chance to get to know each other again before we start living together full time.


    Say that to him.
    When he says that you just want to get rid of him, I think it's his way of seeking reassurance from you.
    Let him know how you really feel about him and that it's nothing to do with trying to get rid of him but just giving space to being your own person again, and that it's an adjustment for you that will take time considering how you've been living alone for most of your life.

    I think the thing for you is keeping a bit of mystery between you two is what will help rekindle the flames that perhaps have dwindled with your time spent together.

    Personally I don't think it's an unreasonable request, it's just giving the right kind of communication to help him understand I think.

    Wish you the best in everything icon_smile.gif