Every gay man is popular?

  • Mitchell7665

    Posts: 12

    Sep 08, 2014 8:23 AM GMT
    It seems to me, most gay men have no problems maintaining a healthy social life. Judging from my observation, every guy has their straight group, their group of hot girls, their hag, their gay posse and gay best mate and their regular gym buddies as well as those girls from work and college that keep nagging them to hangout and take them shopping and gay clubbing.

    Maybe thats an exaggeration but it feels like most guys have at least half of these. Unfortunately for a reason I wish I knew, if I try I can usually at best, maintain one of these options at any one time usually with some other drifter that has the same problem as me. I tried to figure it out, like perhaps I'm at the age where everyone has already formed their friendships and its too late to break into these groups. A friend told me its all about going clubbing, "when your drunk and sharing a cigarette with a stranger in a trashy smoking area, thats where friendships are started" but is that really the only option for a 23 yr old who isn't really interested in that?

    I've learnt to enjoy my own company and I have a few friends that come in and out of my life from time to time but sometimes you just want some constant friends to enjoy life with.

    My question is, how have you made your friendships?
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    Sep 08, 2014 8:39 AM GMT
    You're making a generalization. Gays aren't magical folks who people flock to and befriend them. The people you see are prob extroverts who would have had lots of friends no matter what.

    What you should do is find something you're into, sports, video games, etc and just find groups that share your interests, then just start hanging out with them on a regular basis.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Sep 08, 2014 9:08 AM GMT
    I never found it difficult to befriend people who were very keen on wasting my time and money on unproductive pursuits. Being very superficial is easy. Everyone can learn how to smoke, and share a lit cigarette. You really do not need brains for that, do you?

    When it comes to doing anything that matters in the real world, the number of interested parties dwindles down to zero in 2 seconds flat. icon_smile.gif

    When all is said and done, you'll be thanking yourself for many things in life. But hardly ever will you think fondly of the time you wasted just hanging around, and making friends, well, more like a "sort of" friends...

    SC
  • Mitchell7665

    Posts: 12

    Sep 08, 2014 9:31 AM GMT
    I appreciate that and I agree, but actually yes I would love some friends to waste time doing things with. I guess its one of those things you don't really see important if you've had it for so long.
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    Sep 08, 2014 10:06 AM GMT
    My two cents, don't invest time in friends who only accept you when it trends.
    As cliche as it sounds, time spent with real friends isn't time wasted whatever it is you end up doing.
    Well except if you make a crime gang then yes even if they are true friends, that is a very stupid waste of time lol.

    To be honest, it's hard for me to even notice these kinds of things partly because I don't even have one gay friend.
    Then again I've never actually been a popular person so maybe I'm just too used this.
    The other reason is because where I live, the only place you find gay men are in the clubs and bars. Younger or older almost all of them just flock to the 'scene'.
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    Sep 08, 2014 10:49 AM GMT
    Wow I actually thought the exact same thing about what you said about friendship circles closing up at a young age.

    I'm a bit of a loner myself, at 18 I used to go clubbing by myself on oxford st and would make shit loads of friends because I smile all the time and people would just talk to me, but they were more like acquaintances because Id always forget peoples names and I would skip from club to club constantly. If I ever got into conversation in the smoking room it would only be superficial cheeky talk which I didn't mind because I was mainly there to dance.

    Now days I'm a theatre geek and I got involved with community theatre about 5 years ago now and I have made the most amazing friends. My friends range 20, 23, 24, 35, 50 when we go out together we look like the most unlikely bunch of hooligans and I love it. We build each other up like any other group of friends because we have theatre in common and its everything I ever asked for, its intense, dramatic and just like in the movies when I went to my first audition I saw this chick cry because she didn't get in and I was like holy shit is she for real? haha

    Getting involved with the community is pretty fucking awesome its like shopping for friends in an opshop you have many different varieties in the same shop kind of situation…..also you get connected, I wouldn't have the job I have today if it wasn't for the people I knew through theatre.

    all you have to do is pick doesn't have to be theatre I also do hooping with the hippies and circus sports and parkour theres probably even a knitting group or something.
  • KaZT

    Posts: 52

    Sep 08, 2014 1:20 PM GMT
    No, there is NOTHING popular in me;((

    I don't know how it's possible that I have 200 people added on facebook o.O

    I am so aloneicon_smile.gif
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    Sep 08, 2014 2:11 PM GMT
    whole lotta NOPE in this thread...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 08, 2014 2:39 PM GMT
    Yep, every gay man is popular as fuck. In fact we're so popular that we don't even have time to post on the forums.
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    Sep 08, 2014 2:45 PM GMT
    My friend base seems a bit lopsided. Almost all of my friends are heterosexual males. I never seem to have much in common with most gay men I meet and I normally just don't like most straight females I meet. I seem to get along well with lesbians but don't currently have any as friends. But that being said, I get pretty much everything I need from my straight guy friends so I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
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    Sep 08, 2014 3:10 PM GMT
    Back in my 20's, yes I made a lot of very good friends going out to clubs, and many of these friendships still exist today. However, this can be a very limiting experience (at nights, usually on the weekend, possibly inebriated -- assuming you drink socially). You should try joining an LGBT sports/activities/youth group; volunteer for a charity or an event (or both); go to an LGBT-related event (ie. an art show; a comedy review or musical concert). Make a point of speaking to at least three people at an appropriate time during whatever it is you choose to do. The only way to make friends is to get out there and actually do it...like we used to in the olden days (you know, the 1990's LOL)
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    Sep 08, 2014 3:37 PM GMT
    Mitchell7665 saidI appreciate that and I agree, but actually yes I would love some friends to waste time doing things with. I guess its one of those things you don't really see important if you've had it for so long.

    I think having friends is VERY important, as do many psychologists. I don't like being friendless. So that when moving to new communities over the years since coming out I've made it a first priority. Even though I'd be starting all over from ground zero, at more than twice your age.

    And I've done it by networking. A lengthy topic, better left to PE. But summarizing, I'd look for open gay social events to attend (I'm not good at party crashing). And I identify the gay guys who are social magnets, and try to get close to them, to use their connections. I know that sounds exploitive, but that's what networking is about. And of course among all these contacts I've found some great & close personal friends (and some boyfriends, too).

    And in turn I now return the favor. "Bob, do you know someone who can do such-and-such for me"? "Sure," as I'd whip out my... old Palm Pilot organizer, and nowadays my iPhone, "Here's a name, number and email. Tell him Bob referred you."

    Now I'VE become a hub in the gay social scene, even the business scene, and guys come to ME. With the result that I have more friends, acquaintances and contacts than I can manage at times. Funny, I was just commenting on this yesterday in another thread. Thought I was gonna have a blessedly quiet Sunday for once, instead I got nearly 11 hours of unplanned activity. That ended in a gay pub lounge with 10 of us.

    But yah gotta work at it, if you're starting from scratch. Every gay man CAN be popular if he MAKES himself popular. Some do get it handed to them on a platter for free, but for a lot of us, like me, you've gotta earn it.
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    Sep 08, 2014 3:39 PM GMT
    I came out early last year and i did feel alone. Building a social group takes time and effort. For me my main social group seems to be developing in San Francisco even tho i live in Sacramento. But Iv noticed as time goes on my social ggoup in Sac is growing.
    Be patient, be adventerous and have fun.
  • BLucky

    Posts: 26

    Sep 08, 2014 3:48 PM GMT
    I've heard it said that if you make one or true friends in life then you have done well. If you are just looking for some people to hang out with occasionally, to have a little fun with and socialize a bit, then those aren't too difficult to find. I've always pick and chose my friends from different groups, so I don't usually go for the clicks. I agree with the guy who said you should find your interests and try to socialize in those groups or areas to make friends with common interests. I have an interest in different types of dance, so when I go to dance lessons and out to dance, I make friend/acquaintances that way. I am also an aspiring writer, so have thought about joining a writer's group to find like minded people. I don't smoke or drink a lot, so hanging out at bars with people who do that doesn't interest me at all. Your age shouldn't be a problem, unless most of your peers are too busy playing with their electronics, instead of interacting in person with new people. I have friends of different ages, ranging from 20's to 80's, so maybe expand your search.
  • KaZT

    Posts: 52

    Sep 08, 2014 5:27 PM GMT
    what should I do to be more popular?icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 08, 2014 5:47 PM GMT
    Bud… I think it's a case where everyone has there way about them. I can go into a crowd with a few smiles and hello's and everything is good. It's all the way you present yourself with a positive attitude. It doesn't matter whether you are gay or straight usually if you're on top of things and basically a friendly guy you're a magnet. Oh and yes you have to be of the extraverted mind set. Ever notice how those successful salesmen have friends galore.

    Take a few steps and smile..
  • KaZT

    Posts: 52

    Sep 08, 2014 6:04 PM GMT
    Damn, I have twisted teets, I do not smile...what eles;)
  • being_human

    Posts: 152

    Sep 08, 2014 6:20 PM GMT
    thats what u see on tv.
    I completely disagree. I think gays are the loneliest. We just are independent from all the bullshit.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Sep 08, 2014 6:30 PM GMT
    I don't know where to begin:

    (1). The phenomenon you're referring to is "the family," or the concept that LGBT people often pick and choose a second family to replace or buttress their biological and original family that often rejects them. In the past, it was more about survival and replacing, now a days with increasing LGBT equality and acceptance, it is more about adding to what you have and treasure.

    (2). "The family" is a very well documented phenomenon from social science studies in peer reviewed research, to movies like the Broken Hearts Club. In fact, the song "We Are Family" is recognized "gay anthem" along with Gaga's "Born this Way" and Diana Ross' "Dancing Queen." What I'm saying is google is your friend.

    (3). Personally, my family completely accepts me and I realize I am very lucky to enjoy that. As such, my friends serve as additions to my life, not as a replacement for my family. Some of my friends are from High School, others college, others law school, and still others are random guys I meet (admittedly, usually at bars and clubs).

    I think the better question isn't 'how do we make friends' but rather to ask yourself 'what KINDS of friends do you want to make?' If you want to make friends to go dancing with, then meet people are bars and clubs. If you want to meet friends to ski or snowboard with, then go sking or snowboarding. If you want to meet theatre geeks, then go see a play. If you want to meet sex partners, then join a dating site or download Grindr. If you want to meet guys into maintaining their appearance, then go to the gym.

    Obviously, you see what I'm getting at. Birds of a feather flock together. Just be open to knowing that EVERYONE is to a greater or lesser degree self-conscience, and then approach people in a non-offensive and positive manner. I have, literally, never been rebuffed when approaching a stranger. It's not because I have a magic secret, it is because I realize that people--again to greater and lesser degrees--like to communicate. Walk up and simply ask "how do you do that" if the guy is lifting, or if you're in a bar, "I'm looking for a new drink, what do you have?" There are literally millions of ways to get the ball rolling. Pay a compliment. For example, Mitchell7665, you have very nice bone structure, and are very handsome as a result.

    In short, speak up, politely, and put yourself out there more. They'll bite.
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    Sep 08, 2014 6:41 PM GMT
    "Birds of a feather stick together" and "Quality is better than quantity" are applicable expressions.

    Try getting involved with gay clubs or organizations in your area. Get some friends to introduce you to some new people. For example try meeting up for a movie night or an outing. Find people that share your interests and want to get to know you, spend time with you, and appreciate you for who you are. It's all about me all the time, in other words them, may not be always good for you.
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    Sep 08, 2014 6:58 PM GMT
    KaZT saidwhat should I do to be more popular?icon_smile.gif


    Being truly "popular" isn't as much fun as you might imagine. Having a nice base of friends is. I've experienced both and I can tell you the feeling of having to turn people down who want to hang with you because you don't click is not a good feeling.

    Sidestepping that troublesome word "popular", let me just say that to attract people takes bravery. You have to learn to walk up to total strangers and introduce yourself. Many times people will not return your friendliness, and that is where the courage comes into play. Without blinking an eye you must go onto the next person and let rejection roll off your back like water on a duck. It's surprising how many people are delighted to be approached this way. 99% of people are also shy about talking to strangers so if you wait for others to make the first move you'll be lonely for a very long time.

    EDIT: Do NOT try this in New York!
  • KaZT

    Posts: 52

    Sep 08, 2014 7:02 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    KaZT saidwhat should I do to be more popular?icon_smile.gif


    Being truly "popular" isn't as much fun as you might imagine. Having a nice base of friends is. I've experienced both and I can tell you the feeling of having to turn people down who want to hang with you because you don't click is not a good feeling.

    Sidestepping that troublesome word "popular", let me just say that to attract people takes bravery. You have to learn to walk up to total strangers and introduce yourself. Many times people will not return your friendliness, and that is where the courage comes into play. Without blinking an eye you must go onto the next person and let rejection roll off your back like water on a duck. It's surprising how many people are delighted to be approached this way. 99% of people are also shy about talking to strangers so if you wait for others to make the first move you'll be lonely for a very long time.


    I've face a lot of homophobic and hate in age 16-18, I been popular in worst way.

    I am also quite bad with starting conversation, language barrier do not helps also, but I hope I'll be more open.

    Writing on forum is great exercise I guess;)
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    Sep 08, 2014 7:05 PM GMT
    I'm popular? Man, I wish I'd known this in high school.
  • KaZT

    Posts: 52

    Sep 08, 2014 7:09 PM GMT
    Bart_Frost saidI'm popular? Man, I wish I'd known this in high school.


    sadly u r redhead...icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 08, 2014 7:11 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    KaZT saidwhat should I do to be more popular?icon_smile.gif


    Being truly "popular" isn't as much fun as you might imagine. Having a nice base of friends is. I've experienced both and I can tell you the feeling of having to turn people down who want to hang with you because you don't click is not a good feeling.

    Sidestepping that troublesome word "popular", let me just say that to attract people takes bravery. You have to learn to walk up to total strangers and introduce yourself. Many times people will not return your friendliness, and that is where the courage comes into play. Without blinking an eye you must go onto the next person and let rejection roll off your back like water on a duck. It's surprising how many people are delighted to be approached this way. 99% of people are also shy about talking to strangers so if you wait for others to make the first move you'll be lonely for a very long time.


    Assertiveness seems to work well in some places/with some people better than others. I have mentioned a buddy of mine who was - despite not being conventionally good-looking - a total charmer. He got a lot of guys by doing exactly what you're talking about.

    However, he lived in Savannah, a military town and tourist destination, where people seem to be pretty easy-going and it is a party town where many are open to an encounter. In my experience in suburban NJ and - to the degree that I participated in it - the NYC club scene, people were not that easy to approach. I always tend to enjoy the bars more and talk with more strangers when I'm on the road.