Heartbreak and Time ;(

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    Jan 13, 2009 10:14 PM GMT
    So, im newly broken up with my boyfriend of a couple years. I've been trying to cope with the idea of not talking, seeing or anything him anymore, and I just get so depressed everytime i think about it, or him with someone else.

    My questions to you guys are, if you weren't the one who wanted to break up, then:

    - How long did it take you to get over him??

    and

    - What did you have to do, to get over it??
  • GQjock

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    Jan 13, 2009 10:20 PM GMT
    Hmm ... I'm out
    I was always the one who ended it

    Next....?
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    Jan 13, 2009 10:54 PM GMT
    lord.. ok.. some real advice then..

    These things take time, there are no time frames, you have to slowly work through what you are feeling, this will take time and courage on your part to do and it'll happen as you start to move.

    It could take a month, two months 6 months a year what ever.

    things that can help you move on, catch up with friends, let your self bitch about him, have a fling or two, understand that the relationship is over and its no use trying to hang onto something that isn't there..

    Unfortunately, right now, even though it hurts like hell, in 6 months, it wont be nearly as bad.. and 6 months in a life time aint that long a time to wait!
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    Jan 13, 2009 10:58 PM GMT
    What about if along the lines, our lives have to intersect for work and such??
    Isnt that gonna set me back or anything??
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    Jan 13, 2009 11:01 PM GMT
    Hoodiestud saidWhat about if along the lines, our lives have to intersect for work and such??
    Isnt that gonna set me back or anything??

    Well that will just down right suck and it will make the "getting over him" part more difficult, however, it comes back to accepting that he is no longer yours and as much as you might still pine for him, you can't have him.. which will hurt like a bitch, but again, will get easier and in 6 months, wont look nearly as bad.

    6 months seems like such an arbitrary number to use sometimes it seems so short and others so very very far away, but you'll work through a lot in that time and you'll find out a lot about your self too.
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    Jan 13, 2009 11:06 PM GMT
    Haha....im a little bit anxious to see how this all gonna work out in the end.
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    Jan 13, 2009 11:08 PM GMT
    which ever way it goes, will eventually be for the best icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 13, 2009 11:13 PM GMT
    there is a very biological method for figuring out how long it will take you to completely recover from your relationship:

    however long you were in it, it will take half that long to mend.

    i'll go research where i found this bit of knowledge, but "love" is a construct of the brain. you literally form specific types of synapses in your brain, and your system, while you are in "love," produces a variety of addictive hormones with opioid properties.

    it will take the amount of time required to break down the synapses and recover from the withdrawal symptoms of your hormones. if you were with him for 4 years, you can expect to not be fully and completely healed for 2 years. that doesn't mean you won't be able to function socially, romatically, sexually, psychologically, etc. for 2 years, but it means that this person's residue will be inside of you for that long.
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    Jan 13, 2009 11:15 PM GMT
    dancerjack saidbut it means that this person's residue will be inside of you for that long.

    That just sounds dirty and kinky!!!!

    But either way, I aint spending almost 4 years recovering!
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    Jan 13, 2009 11:20 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    dancerjack saidbut it means that this person's residue will be inside of you for that long.

    That just sounds dirty and kinky!!!!

    But either way, I aint spending almost 4 years recovering!


    no one said you had to sit around recovering... no one said you wouldn't form other relationships in the meantime. what the science shows is that if you were with your boyfriend for 8 years it will take 4 years for him to be completely out of your system.
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    Jan 13, 2009 11:27 PM GMT
    dancerjack said
    lilTanker said
    dancerjack saidbut it means that this person's residue will be inside of you for that long.

    That just sounds dirty and kinky!!!!

    But either way, I aint spending almost 4 years recovering!


    no one said you had to sit around recovering... no one said you wouldn't form other relationships in the meantime. what the science shows is that if you were with your boyfriend for 8 years it will take 4 years for him to be completely out of your system.
    Oh I get that, but still.. oh dear lord no..
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    Jan 13, 2009 11:31 PM GMT
    now you know why i don't bother with getting into a relationship in the first place. it's not just the risk of losing what resources you've put into it, but also that future resources will also be sunk into it.

    don't think that you'll be fretting and moaning for 4 years: that's not what i meant. hopefully the fretting and moaning is only the first quarter or so of the grief cycle. the rest of the time you'll be pleasantly bitter, like dark chocolate. when that passes you'll be ready to try again.
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    Jan 13, 2009 11:38 PM GMT
    dancerjack saidnow you know why i don't bother with getting into a relationship in the first place. it's not just the risk of losing what resources you've put into it, but also that future resources will also be sunk into it.

    don't think that you'll be fretting and moaning for 4 years: that's not what i meant. hopefully the fretting and moaning is only the first quarter or so of the grief cycle. the rest of the time you'll be pleasantly bitter, like dark chocolate. when that passes you'll be ready to try again.
    I'll still do it again, at the end of the day, its still worth the risk and the "resources" for what you can get out of it and I'm not grieving anymore, I'm being happy now icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 13, 2009 11:40 PM GMT
    good icon_smile.gif i hope you have better luck next time around.

    between the threads on realjock, working in clubs, and dating enough in my 20's to tide me over through my 30's until i'm ready again in my 40's or 50's, i've seen too much of human nature to bother. you never REALLY know someone until you've spent extensive time with him for at least a year. people go flip mode way too easy - "who the hell are you, and where is the person you introduced me to when we met?" LOL

    i'm enjoying flirtation much better than i ever enjoyed domesticity and expectations.


    anyway, back to the original poster:
    i hope you heal well, but not too quickly. breaking up is a process, and it shouldn't be rushed. tend to yourself for a while, and you'll come out of this stronger and wiser. xoxo j.
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    Jan 14, 2009 12:37 AM GMT
    The standard "calculation" is 1.5 times the amount of time you were together, although that can vary. It really depends on why you broke up. Personally, being cheated on is harder than a normal break-up.
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    Jan 14, 2009 1:00 AM GMT
    Hoodiestud said
    My questions to you guys are, if you weren't the one who wanted to break up, then:
    - How long did it take you to get over him??
    and
    - What did you have to do, to get over it??


    Still getting over it, personally. We were together about 4 years and he walked out, pretty much out of the blue, about 3 months or so ago. It's the worst for about the first month as the wound's still pretty raw, but after that you start to heal up faster.

    The biggest thing to help is just finding distractions. Dwelling on the breakup doesn't really seem to help speed up the process, so find other things to occupy your mind take the pain off while your brain works through it all in the back of your mind. Socialization with friends is immensely helpful, so see if you've got some who don't mind you being extra social for a while; also important is that these friends are willing to at least be a sounding board for the occasional round of bitching, which can be very cathartic.

    There's really not much you can do to get over it all, specifically. It's kinda like a headache or a cramp: you can take some pills to numb the pain, but the body's gotta fix it all on its own, so you just need to find productive ways to numb the pain and get on with it all.
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    Jan 14, 2009 1:58 AM GMT
    It depends on the individual, but if you are reasonably well adjusted and mature, you will not brood about it for years. You will be sad even depressed for several months, then in about a year to two years you may be ready to seriously date again.

    If you are like (highly unlikely), an extreme introvert who does not mind being alone, you may get over it in a couple of weeks and remain single for 10 years (I am exaggerating just a tad).
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    Jan 14, 2009 2:06 AM GMT
    Well, when it comes to breaking up with the guys who become ex-bfs...

    I get upset, angry, somewhat depressed & focus it into my workouts. I usually end up getting over them in a few minutes to a few days. You can mope & stew about it because you're supposed to but when it's all said & done, get up & move on with your life! And when you are going through, don't put on that old school because you will be in tears! Nothing kicks an ex- in the nuts REALLY HARD when they come to the realisation that they were NEVER the centre of YOUR universe & you have moved on. Hell when it's all said & done, you may just forget their last name.
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    Jan 14, 2009 2:09 AM GMT
    You should go out with your friends get real smashed have a good cry let it all out and let the healing process begin. I recommend Patron or Cabo Wabo.
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    Jan 14, 2009 2:10 AM GMT
    Hit the gym. If anything, it'll get you some eye candy.
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    Jan 14, 2009 2:20 AM GMT
    Start your rebound dating. The sooner you do the farther away he'll be.
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    Jan 14, 2009 2:48 AM GMT
    You guys are all amazing! And thank you so much for all your imput. Im pretty sure, even though i have been very sad lately, i will get out of this in better condition. It motivates me to become something so much more than what i was. Kind of to show off what he doesnt have anymore??
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    Jan 14, 2009 2:54 AM GMT
    Nothing helps you get over an old guy like lots and lots of fresh dick. Just use protectionicon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 14, 2009 3:17 AM GMT
    The general saying is 1/2 as long as you were in it. However, if you'd like to feel miserable for less time, you are free to do so. It's all up to you, and whether, or not, you like being miserable.

    7 billion folks in the world. You'll find someone better. The nice thing about the past is that it's done and over with.
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    Jan 15, 2009 5:37 AM GMT
    And the sad thing about the past, is that i wish it was my present....
    Not trying to say your wrong....im just being a negative nancy right now! lol