My story

  • McMacster

    Posts: 94

    Sep 14, 2014 2:07 AM GMT
    Hello everyone!

    So I would like to tell you my story since I have nobody to talk to about it.
    As you can read in the title, its about my first love. I'm doing this just to help myself,
    because this is a burden I've been carrying for a very long time now and I finally wish to be freed of them.
    I believe if I write down all my thoughts it might could help.
    So if you do not actually care about this matter, just leave this post.

    Well, first of all, I'm 22 years old and I'm in love with my Ex-Best-Friend for over 7 years now.
    It all started in 8th grade, where he came new to my class and we were like 15-16 years old.
    It was like love at the first sight. I was like "Oh, damn he's looking so good" and I couldn't keep my eyes off him
    for the whole time. It took like 3 months or so, until we became friends, which I really hoped for.

    Soon we became really good friends and hang out like everyday together in the summer break.
    This time was the first time I've experienced 'homoerotism'. I wasn't really aware of being
    interested in men, because to that time I've been interested in girls.

    So, my parents were always like working everyday so I was always alone at home and when my friend
    asked me to hang out I just told him to come over and he always came.

    One day, it was really hot and I took off my shirt and also did he. I was sitting on the computer,
    because I'm somewhat a nerd and always been. BTW now I'm a webdeveloper & graphicdesigner.
    It seemed like he was getting bored or so and thats why he started to tease me in a playful matter.
    Somehow it turned out in something like wrestling and I tossed him on my futon bed.
    Now, there he was lying on my bed and I'm on top off him, holding down his hands, both shirtless and sweaty,
    and for the first time I was aroused by a guy. I believe he felt 'mine' being hard
    and I also believe I felt his being hard too. For the whole time we we're like not talking.
    It was a very sensitive moment. Suddenly, he bit my chest and so did I but unconsciously I bit his nipple
    and he laughed like it seems he liked it. He then said "If you don't get off of me, I'm going to bite you in your neck".
    I said "Do it if you have the guts". He didn't bit me, he licked me. It wasn't just a 'short lick'.
    It was like he liked it and I didn't stop him. At this point I really wanted to kiss him, but I was too shy and dumb.

    Days have passed by and things like this happened like always. Once, we even tried out Kamasutra-positions,
    but we actually hadn't have sex, cause officially nobody was gay. But though it was really awkward cause
    we did it so many times and never talked about it.

    Also I can remember where he took my phone just to tease me and he held it behind his head so that I couldn't easily
    reach it and had to come really near him and when I said give it back, he literally said "Say that you love me".
    I was just like "Dude, come on, give it back! Now! -.-". I didn't realized the situation, which I really regret.
    Or another situation where we were in the park at evening and he laid down with his head on my thighs and I was
    stroking his hair.

    Another thing was like, he was really shy being naked in front of other people, no matter girls or boys,
    he always hid his body or better to say his lower body. Or like after gym class he always took a shower with pants
    and all the other guys were naked.

    But almost every time when he and me we're alone in a shower, like after swimming in the pool or at a wellness spa,
    he was completely naked and always wanted me to rub his back and damn, that was the best thing to do! icon_smile.gif

    You all probably wonder why I never thought of asking him if he might be gay and maybe a love could have manifest.
    But well, the problem was, as I said above, none of us were officially gay. We live in a society, where gay teens
    being discriminated and mobbed. Also he and his family were muslim. Also he in front of other guys he always
    seemed straight and dated girls before my eyes. Every time when he acted so straight, something inside me died.
    I just couldn't why he wouldn't or couldn't confess to me and even why I couldn't do it.
    I always knew, as long as he's being in the closet, I'd be, too and there would never be a relationship.
    The reason why I never made the final step was, that I didn't want to lose him as friend.
    Besides of my feelings for him, he was my best friend, the only one who I blindly trusted, the only one who I could
    rely on and the only one who liked me how I was.

    So then I just decided to let it be as it is and stop thinking like someone who is in love with someone else.
    But I couldn't help it. I always loved him. Even after he got a girlfriend. Sounds stupid what? Yes, I am and
    that's why I'm hating that side of me.

    Just because I didn't have the guts to tell him the truth, I was suffering and I still am.

    Years went by, always trying to hide my feelings but at some situation I just couldn't. I overreacted a lot of times
    which caused a lot of stress and fights. We were arguing a lot, like at least twice a week, because
    of stuff like being late to an appointment or ignoring phone calls. And all of this happened because he was busy with
    his girlfriend. I was just jealous, but the jealousy manifested to anger and frustration.
    But somehow we always reconciled. There was even a moment, where we had an argument on the phone and I was
    so angry that I hung him up. It was a really rainy night and even so he came to my place and apologized.
    I was expecting him to ignore it - like he did a lot of times but this time I could feel the earnest in the air, lol.
    We talked about this and that and it was the first time I broke out in tears and I just said I cannot deal with it any longer.
    He hugged me and said he was just sorry and I cried in his arms and he was really down too...
    There was also a situation where I was really mad and started to verbal abuse him like calling him a liar and dumbass
    and stuff and he was like "If you dont shut the f*ck up I'll hit you in the face" and so did.
    I wasn't expecting that, but he warned me and I basically summoned it to happen. The bitch I am I got really mad
    and wanted to leave. There were also 2 other friends and it they tried to stop me. I don't know why, but
    I cried a bit and he saw me and instantly turned apologetic and hugged me really gently from behind.

    These are moments and memories I am really treasuring and which are really important to me. I'll never forget them,
    since I have a photographic memory, which is a blessing and a curse likewise.

    Well, unfortunately we haven't seen each other, talked to each other or heard from each other for over a year now.
    I don't know what or why it happened, but he just haven't called me or texted me like usually.
    Days passed and also I haven't called or texted him, because I think he doesn't want me to, if he isn't.
    I think our time has passed and we both live different lives now. I really pity it, cause in the end I lost my
    best friend, the man I loved most and I am still thinking about him almost everyday, but I think it cannot be called love anymore.

    It's just random memories about him. Its really hard for me not to think about him, since I'm an introvert
    and spend a lot of time being alone and in silence.

    Despite him having a serious relationship since 3 years, I still do believe that he's gay or at least bisexual
    and I also do believe that he at least also thinks about me sometimes.

    Some months ago I heard from a buddy that they randomly met on the street and he was asking about me and how I am doing
    and that he somewhen would like to contact me again.

    I also play with the idea to call him or write him a letter in time. But I swore to myself and for the sake of my sanity,
    that this time I'll be 100% honest about me and what he used to be for me. Also I want to confront him
  • jo2hotbod

    Posts: 3606

    Sep 14, 2014 2:19 AM GMT
    Are there cliff notes
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2014 2:27 AM GMT
    just call him
    from what I read nothing unusual get over it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2014 1:17 PM GMT
    Wow okay long story but I read it all.
    If I were you, I'd really take this time to just let yourself heal. He probably needed that for himself and by the sounds of it, wants you to heal too.
    That can only be properly done if he's not around at the moment because of your history.

    He does sound bisexual but right now he has a girlfriend and he's been with her for quite some time.
    At this stage, I'd just let him go because the last thing you want to do is act in a way where you try wedge yourself into their relationship out of jealousy or anger.
    It will most likely end badly and that may be the final demise of this friendship. In this instance I'd say patience is a virtue, you're still young and have a lot of self learning to do. While you're doing that you'll be surprised how time has allowed you to heal.

    If you really love him as a friend, then just be happy for him wherever he is in his own life and whoever it is he's in a relationship with.
    That won't come straight away I suppose since you have a unique history together, so this is where time is essential.
    Think about and be honest.
    If he were to speak to you again tomorrow, would the feelings come back all over again and would you just act angry at him all over again?

    If it's a yes, then just be okay to be apart and find hobbies/interests/work/other friends to help take your mind off him. Overtime it will get easier to do and maybe then you guys can start becoming friends again.
    I know that you want to confront him, maybe for some closure?
    However, will knowing actually help you at this stage?
    Perhaps later down the track, but right now I'd just heal without needing anything from him.

    Whatever has happened, he's chosen to be with his girlfriend so I'd just let it be and start focusing on you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2014 9:58 PM GMT
    lol that was a lot to read but i read it all..

    i dont think its too late. You know that u shudve told him how you felt ages a go. but who says u cant do it now? Just because he doesnt contact you doesnt mean he doesnt want to? mayb he is waiting for u to msg him? he cud be purposely distancing himself from u?

    i say its better to risk it and tell him how u feel.. theres no harm in trying because u guys are already distancing since u havent talked to each other for a year. He prob already knows how u feel but has been waiting for u to say it.. by telling him u put the ball in his court and see how he responds.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2014 10:03 PM GMT
    jo2hotbod saidAre there cliff notes

    Thread #13053 about a 20-something year old that is in love with his straight friend.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Sep 14, 2014 11:34 PM GMT
    I'm sorry man, I can relate. I think everyone can, actually.

    I say text or call him and get the ball rolling to meet up for a drink or dinner. But only if you really do want to come clean about some things. It's not worth the effort if you're going to go back to how it was.

    There was a time when you held back because you would lose him as a friend. Well, you haven't had him as a friend for a year, so I think you know that you will survive if it comes to that. But at least the burden will be lifted off your chest.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2014 11:48 PM GMT
    xrichx said
    jo2hotbod saidAre there cliff notes

    Thread #13053 about a 20-something year old that is in love with his straight friend.
    I think you left out a few zeros.
  • Nitro

    Posts: 22

    Sep 14, 2014 11:48 PM GMT
    Yeah, something like this happened to me too like 3 years ago. I had a very very intense best-friendship and after a while there was a drunk sex scene on which he woke up and pretended like nothing happened, It was unexpected and I didn't have the balls to talk about it and I suffered, I still do a bit.

    He was my first and only time, I know him very well and he knows me very well but we live in a country that is strongly against LGBT people and he probably refuses to believe he is at least bisexual or something.

    All I can advice you is either to stay away or try to go back to being friends and get over what happened in the past. In my case we have too many mutual friends and one day I randomly decided not to talk to him or see him again but it didn't work out and it turned into an awkward situation.

    I really know your pain dude icon_sad.gif
  • Behram

    Posts: 32

    Sep 15, 2014 6:39 AM GMT
    Your story just touched my heart, thanks for sharing.

    I understand your feeling. I've experienced something similar. Since he's muslim he might be in denial and under pressure to get married to a girl. I'd say reach out to him before it's too late. It's not only for your benefit. But for his benefit too. And his potential wife.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2014 6:17 PM GMT
    Keep your job as a web developer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2014 6:38 PM GMT
    You have a history with this person. You were close friends and you both may have developed a bromance between the two of you. It is perfectly normal for two men who are friends to care about one another. It may have been confusing and not much to do about sex in the first place. Something possibly for you to think about.

    I would reach out by sending him cards for holidays, special occasions or on his birthday for example if you would like him to remain a part of your life. If he is interested he will then contact you.