Closeted guys or the years when you were not out

  • kemperakantaa

    Posts: 8

    Sep 14, 2014 5:18 AM GMT
    Hey guys! I've been wondering, how long did it take you to come out, have you known that you were gay/bi all your life? I know many of you have, but I was wondering due to a recent situation - is it possible (aside from the universe fact that everything is possible) for a "better" looking guy to tell another guy in denial/in the closet that he's in love with him and the other "less attractive" one to still deny and hide? I'm kind of trying to relate it to a straight couple situation where we all know that if the better looking person shows his/her feelings to the less good looking one, typically the latter would automatically go for it. Of course again...everything is possible I'm just curious icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 14, 2014 5:43 AM GMT
    kemperakantaa saidHey guys! I've been wondering, how long did it take you to come out, have you known that you were gay/bi all your life? I know many of you have, but I was wondering due to a recent situation - is it possible (aside from the universe fact that everything is possible) for a "better" looking guy to tell another guy in denial/in the closet that he's in love with him and the other "less attractive" one to still deny and hide? I'm kind of trying to relate it to a straight couple situation where we all know that if the better looking person shows his/her feelings to the less good looking one, typically the latter would automatically go for it. Of course again...everything is possible I'm just curious icon_smile.gif
    You have so many conflicting issues going on here in your post that I can't possibly respond to all of them. The one I will respond to that seems central to your emotional pain right now is the one where you say that you are better looking than this guy you are naturally attracted to and that it seems he rejected you. Sexual rejection from someone does not always mean personal rejection of you as a person. Physical attraction is a tricky thing often (sometimes nature rigs the game). For example, you will often find couples where there is one very physically attractive person (who has the most fucked up emotional issues because of their past or their self hatred for whatever reasons) and then a less attractive partner who loves them (who has a healthy sense of self and love for themselves). Often the very physically beautiful people have to deal with so much rejection in their lives that they develop a self hatred. So, the bottom line of what I'm trying to say to you is that this is more about you than about the "less attractive" guy that you perceive has rejected you. And remember, all people who do not think of themselves as attractive will always shy away from those they think are more attractive than them. This behavior is a self protective mechanism to avoid the pain of potential rejection. You and the guy are both doing the same thing to each other. I hope I helped you in some way with my experience of life. Good luck.
  • kemperakantaa

    Posts: 8

    Sep 14, 2014 5:51 AM GMT
    Thank you, of course it was helpful, but there are a few things I would like to answer too with most definitely no hard feelings. In reality I actually felt really bad writing that I am the more attractive guy and in fact that's not my opinion...maybe, because I fell in love. It's all of our common friends that say it. Many of them were even surprised at first when I admitted that I have feelings for a boy for the first time. So yeah I am not that high self-esteemed of a person to think that he is ugly and I am hot. No, i like him a lot and in my head I do not even care about who looks better than the other one. My question which you actually did answer, but I would try to specify more is - is the whole situation possible. A better looking guy to tell a closeted/in denial guy that he likes him and the other one to still reject him, due to the fact that he is in the closet. Because I've gotten some weird opinions like - well looking at both of you he's most definitely not into you if he denied you, where have you heard of a situation in which a person looking less attractive rejects a person who is really good looking? So yeah, thank you again for your reply icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 14, 2014 1:41 PM GMT
    I've been closeted for 18 years - since I sucked my first dick at 16.

    Kept it on the downlow for so long it felt more natural to keep it secret than be "out".

    However in the past 3 years since my divorce, I've been coming out more and more.

    Close friends first, naturally... then to my mom and aunt (really the only family i give a crap about) and their acceptance was amazing and educational. I learned more and more about my late father and was assured that he would have accepted me as well.

    And just this week, I'm dropping the shields at work.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Sep 14, 2014 2:17 PM GMT
    JonSpringon saidI've been closeted for 18 years - since I sucked my first dick at 16.

    Kept it on the downlow for so long it felt more natural to keep it secret than be "out".

    However in the past 3 years since my divorce, I've been coming out more and more.

    Close friends first, naturally... then to my mom and aunt (really the only family i give a crap about) and their acceptance was amazing and educational. I learned more and more about my late father and was assured that he would have accepted me as well.

    And just this week, I'm dropping the shields at work.

    Whoa! This is great, Jon. Congratulations. I doubt you'll need good luck but here's to no bad luck! Good man!

    To the OP. What makes you think your looks is more important to the guy than his reasons for being in the closet? Your question is so shallow as to be insulting to the humanity and integrity of this guy you want.
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Sep 14, 2014 3:22 PM GMT
    I think your reasoning is flawed regarding the better looking/less good looking thing, whether the couple is gay or straight.

    First off, women are entirely different creatures. You can't compare gay and straight with a high degree of correlation all the time. Generally, women are much, much more complex than we are, and attraction for them can be a more complicated issue.

    Second, even though guys are predominantly visual in their attraction, a lot of us can like a guy for reasons that are more mature. I'm not discounting physical attraction here, I'm saying that sometimes there are qualities of a guys personality, or manner that translate for you into a sexual attraction, too.

    So, I think it's invalid to always assume that the better looking guy is going to have the "upper hand" in some relationship, or potential relationship.
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    Sep 14, 2014 3:57 PM GMT
    JonSpringon saidI've been closeted for 18 years - since I sucked my first dick at 16.

    Kept it on the downlow for so long it felt more natural to keep it secret than be "out".

    However in the past 3 years since my divorce, I've been coming out more and more.

    Close friends first, naturally... then to my mom and aunt (really the only family i give a crap about) and their acceptance was amazing and educational. I learned more and more about my late father and was assured that he would have accepted me as well.

    And just this week, I'm dropping the shields at work.


    Awesome Jon, good luck to you!!!
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    Sep 14, 2014 4:01 PM GMT
    I knew I was gay since I was about 8 years old, I kept it secret for about twenty years, even had a few girlfriends through Middle School and one steady girlfriend up until I was in my mid 20s. I finally came out to my friends in 2008 and my family in 2009. Was not the best year as I lost a lot of friends, and battled severe depression but now 5 years later, I am out of it and happy with my partner of 4 years. We also left our home town and home state and moved 2900 miles away from all that drama!
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    Sep 14, 2014 8:07 PM GMT
    For me it was at 38, late coming to the party sort of speak. I knew as a child I was different. I really did not know it until around 15 or 16 in the gym locker room when we were back in the States. I was born in South America, and lived almost all my life in Central and South America because of my Father's work. When then moved in the 80's to Florida. I was going to public school in Kendall, Florida and for the first time saw the guys in the shower after my physical education class. I was so memorized why guys muscular bodies from the football team and others about their bodies. However, coming from a Catholic background and later a Christian I struggled with my identity so I suppressed it for a long time. I then went to college in Northern Florida, and concentrated in finishing my studies and had fun along the way, but it surfaced again. At that time I continue to try to denied it and escape from it.

    I then moved to S. California where I just accepted myself and little by little I came out first to myself and accepted who I was and that God loved me just they way I was. I then told some friends in S. California, as usual some have not accepted it, but this was fine with me. I then moved to N. California because of a job. I have been here for a couple of years have some gay friends and straight.

    In terms of back to my family I have not told my mother in view of health reasons. She has a mental condition and would not accept it and make it worse. My father is up in his age and have not told him either, I think they know. To me is just a personal process, not an agenda of coming out. In terms of work, I have not I because I like to keep my personal work and private life separately. I learned in my early career that workers disguise as friends, can use your life events or issues to not promote you or retaliated in some manner, if you disclose about your life in the watercooler area or chatting. This is why I just do my job and try to keep very small talk about my life. It has worked very well for me and also it was very different time growing up for me. I am aware that things have changed, but for the latter other things remain the same.
  • kemperakantaa

    Posts: 8

    Sep 14, 2014 8:39 PM GMT
    Yes, I do realize that it sounds really mean especially the way I posted it, and you could be right but I'm not saying for sure that he is closeted. There are many signs that he is, but that's why I posted this question. I wanted to find out if that plays any role and if it's possible!
  • budri7

    Posts: 20

    Sep 14, 2014 11:55 PM GMT
    dumbest topic ever. u sound like a guy i would love to knock out
  • TealSock

    Posts: 30

    Sep 15, 2014 1:16 AM GMT
    I was closeted until 18 when I told my parents, then I have told my friends while drunk; didn't plan that.

    No one at my work knows but htat's because it would be a bit awkward if people knew.

    Anyway, I try to stay away from very attractive guys, usually out of fear of rejection, but I also tend to assume they may not have a fitting personality tome. I know it's dumb and biased to say this, but I typically think really attractive people are of poorer character for some reason. Could be from my interactions growing up, and the way I see MILF's treat other people.

    I think it doesn't go the same for males, but for some reason since I've seen so many attractive women treat people shittily I've associated 9-10/10's with being douchey.
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    Sep 15, 2014 4:40 AM GMT
    kemperakantaa, I think the most important thing to keep in mind is this: this is not a puzzle you can solve. You can't figure out what he feels or thinks from what's happened. My advice to you is to stop trying, because agonizing over what could happen in the future isn't going to help anything. Maybe he's still closeted and is coming to terms with his sexuality - yes, that is a possibility. Or maybe he's truly heterosexual. Either way, it's not going to help either of you to try to deduce his true feelings.
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    Sep 15, 2014 4:46 AM GMT
    I've been out of the closet since I was 20, I'm 23 now.
    I have and have had basically no love/sex life, so nothing had changed there. Only a short fling with some guy from the internet.

    God my life's boring. And a waste.
  • kemperakantaa

    Posts: 8

    Sep 15, 2014 5:58 AM GMT
    Thank you guys for your advice and for your posts in general. I wasn't trying to solve a riddle, nor was I trying to get an answer to the unbearable question - "is he gay". My point of the whole post was to see if there were any people in a similar situation and to see if there were any cases among you guys in which - you were closeted, you knew you were gay, but you still denied and rejected people that have implied it or people that were in love with you during that period just because you did not want to come out at that point, or because of denial etc...In fact, I could put the question in a different phrase, since I apparently turned out to be an a**hole for declaring it in the previous posts.
    Have any of you turned down a gay relationship when you were in the closet just because of denial? Or more like - Can gay men reject someone they have feelings for even if they've realized they're gay. Or is it more like - "if he's gay he wouldn't have resisted that much due to nature being nature"...
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    Sep 15, 2014 11:58 AM GMT
    JonSpringon saidI've been closeted for 18 years - since I sucked my first dick at 16.

    Kept it on the downlow for so long it felt more natural to keep it secret than be "out".

    However in the past 3 years since my divorce, I've been coming out more and more.

    Close friends first, naturally... then to my mom and aunt (really the only family i give a crap about) and their acceptance was amazing and educational. I learned more and more about my late father and was assured that he would have accepted me as well.

    And just this week, I'm dropping the shields at work.



    Good luck with work, sounds like its going well.

    Re the OP yeah ive had similar. I'm not going anywhere near measuring who was hotter but I did strait up ask a closeted guy out and he said very graciously but basically "No". He was in the closet and I was out. There was no way he was getting over that. Which was his entitlement... and made it much easier to move on (which i did a week later...I'm not a whore!) How can i prove he was closeted? He found me on a site like this...ha.
  • nomad4life

    Posts: 332

    Sep 15, 2014 8:17 PM GMT
    I was in the OP's shoes last year, dating a guy who was in the closet, hoping I could be the necessary push he needed to want to come out (we're both ugly as sin so that wasn't an issue). I had to finally break up with him when he referred to me as his "girlfriend" to keep up his secret and it made me realize he was not going to change. He had an out lesbian sister, lovingly accepted by their parents, and I met some of his circle of friends and one of them was a gay guy accepted by everyone. My point is, yes while there could have been a different reason he was staying so closeted, some guys just get so used to the comfort of hiding that you can't change them.
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    Sep 19, 2014 5:26 AM GMT
    kemperakantaa saidThank you, of course it was helpful, but there are a few things I would like to answer too with most definitely no hard feelings. In reality I actually felt really bad writing that I am the more attractive guy and in fact that's not my opinion...maybe, because I fell in love. It's all of our common friends that say it. Many of them were even surprised at first when I admitted that I have feelings for a boy for the first time. So yeah I am not that high self-esteemed of a person to think that he is ugly and I am hot. No, i like him a lot and in my head I do not even care about who looks better than the other one. My question which you actually did answer, but I would try to specify more is - is the whole situation possible. A better looking guy to tell a closeted/in denial guy that he likes him and the other one to still reject him, due to the fact that he is in the closet. Because I've gotten some weird opinions like - well looking at both of you he's most definitely not into you if he denied you, where have you heard of a situation in which a person looking less attractive rejects a person who is really good looking? So yeah, thank you again for your reply icon_smile.gif
    Oh this is your first boy sexual crush/attraction? Well hell man, why didn't you say so. lol. Well that explains a lot. You are going through what all newly emerging gay guys will go through. Just ride the wave of this experience bro.