How to cope with being a single fem type guy?

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Sep 15, 2014 9:30 PM GMT
    Before I start, this is not a "why don't masculine men like fem guy" question. I'm trying to ask those here who identify more on the fem or androgyny side of the spectrum.

    I've been having a rough time thinking about my future in terms of relationships considering I have never once had one before. I'll be 23 in a week and I can't help but feel that I'm not going to find a guy. I understand that you shouldn't live your life to find a mate but it's getting harder each year realizing you don't have anyone.

    I know that a large part of my problem is how I am perceived as. the "F" word lol. I personally like the way I am as I learned to embrace both parts of personality but obviously, it doesn't work in the long run for finding a potential guy. It doesn't help that I'm also in that trap of finding in-between or masculine type guys attractive. I've tried connecting with other feminine type guys but I just don't find any attraction or they are like me in the sense that they want their opposite. I've tried my best to be as nice as I can. Not fall into the bitchy/loud type of stereotype that often deters men...

    From observation, the rare chance I do attract someone, they are 30-40+ years older than me or are married with a woman. I've been thinking that maybe I should just date married men. I know it's wrong but at this rate, I feel I have to take what I can get and hopefully, if the guy is secretly gay, he'll come around eventually... I'd hope so anyway.

    So my question to any guys who fit more of the fem or androgyny type (or if you know someone who is), how do you cope? I just need some guidance...


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2014 10:01 PM GMT
    Never lose hope. There are plenty of men that like fem guys. Also, there are guys that are fem personality wise but their physique doesn't match. They look masculine. Try dating one of those. And nooo, don't date married men. Too risky. lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2014 10:23 PM GMT
    You look v cool blood flame I love your androgynous goth look.

    Its all about the way you approach this, my little bro is a drag queen and has put his photo on blender, its like grinder for str8 ppl and he has sex with the most masculine sexy looking men I have ever seen, but the thing is they only want to fuck him when he's dressed as a chick. He's having a hard time to find someone who likes him as a boy and who wants to be in a relationship with him.

    Your audience and environment would play a big part, if you were in korea the boys would be all over you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2014 11:01 PM GMT
    There's someone out there for everyone. Hang it there. 23 aint too old btw...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2014 11:47 PM GMT
    i think your limiting your self:
    the other 8%, straight relationships; each partner is completely different.

    a preference is a good place to start the search but also think in terms of what you bring to the table. Than consider that boy friend that would complete the house hold and possibly have skills you dont do well or completely ignore.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2014 1:53 AM GMT
    From my experience, it is better to be alone than with someone you don't feel like being with. If you seek simple happiness that is.

    Relationship is a rewarding experience; authentic and true relationship is even more so. That is why in my opinion it is always better to seek something you truly want, rather than settling down for someone you dislike in some ways or another.


    As for the coping... well I am not a feminine guy (maybe because I like fem twinks and conditioned to strive to be the opposite to them? not that I am successful at that at the moment)... and I cannot comprehend how it is to be a fem guy in a gay community. I face lots of other obstacles in my life tho, just like the vast majority of us all. All I can say is, be strong and be truthful to yourself!

    Good luck!
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    Sep 16, 2014 2:01 AM GMT
    Probably not the best example.. But I see plenty of "masculine" guys that specifically say they want slim "femme" guys on gay apps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2014 2:23 AM GMT
    xrichx saidProbably not the best example.. But I see plenty of "masculine" guys that specifically say they want slim "femme" guys on gay apps.


    Yeah, but usually they mean either

    1) Tranny

    2) they are of the older, DL variety that the OP doesn't like

    Let's be honest, depending on your level of...femness....most gay guys aren't going to want someone like that


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    Sep 16, 2014 2:26 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidThere's someone out there for everyone. Hang it there. 23 aint too old btw...



    GAsp! Johnny made a kind comment. icon_surprised.gif
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    Sep 16, 2014 2:28 AM GMT
    kevex said
    jmusmc85 saidThere's someone out there for everyone. Hang it there. 23 aint too old btw...



    GAsp! Johnny made a kind comment. icon_surprised.gif


    Don't get used to it fatboy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2014 3:29 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 said
    kevex said
    jmusmc85 saidThere's someone out there for everyone. Hang it there. 23 aint too old btw...



    GAsp! Johnny made a kind comment. icon_surprised.gif


    Don't get used to it fatboy.



    OK Dumbo
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Sep 16, 2014 4:26 AM GMT
    kevex saidNever lose hope. There are plenty of men that like fem guys. Also, there are guys that are fem personality wise but their physique doesn't match. They look masculine. Try dating one of those. And nooo, don't date married men. Too risky. lol


    It just gets harder each year when you release you aren't having luck. I've heard the "you're looking in the wrong places" comment but if that's true, where does one look then?

    I just feel that if a married guy who's my type shows interest in me, it's better than nothing right?

    Omega Einhorn You look v cool blood flame I love your androgynous goth look.

    Its all about the way you approach this, my little bro is a drag queen and has put his photo on blender, its like grinder for str8 ppl and he has sex with the most masculine sexy looking men I have ever seen, but the thing is they only want to fuck him when he's dressed as a chick. He's having a hard time to find someone who likes him as a boy and who wants to be in a relationship with him.

    Your audience and environment would play a big part, if you were in korea the boys would be all over you.


    Yeah that is what I really don't want. I don't try to look like a chick/drag queen but I can sympathize with your brother on how he isn't haven't luck finding a guy who loves him for him. That's the obstacle I'm facing as well only mine is with married men.

    Haha it does seem like Korea is more accepting of that kind of thing.

    jmusmc85 said There's someone out there for everyone. Hang it there. 23 aint too old btw...

    Yeah but that's how it starts... 23 turns to 24, then to 28, then to 32 and so on. It's like a vicious cycle lol

    Pellaz said i think your limiting your self:
    the other 8%, straight relationships; each partner is completely different.

    a preference is a good place to start the search but also think in terms of what you bring to the table. Than consider that boy friend that would complete the house hold and possibly have skills you dont do well or completely ignore.


    That's what I think about all the time. While I'm not the masculine type of guy, I'm friendly and open minded and always there to listen. I feel those could be good traits to have... But I'll continue to think on it though...

    Okajuurrou said From my experience, it is better to be alone than with someone you don't feel like being with. If you seek simple happiness that is.

    Relationship is a rewarding experience; authentic and true relationship is even more so. That is why in my opinion it is always better to seek something you truly want, rather than settling down for someone you dislike in some ways or another.


    As for the coping... well I am not a feminine guy (maybe because I like fem twinks and conditioned to strive to be the opposite to them? not that I am successful at that at the moment)... and I cannot comprehend how it is to be a fem guy in a gay community. I face lots of other obstacles in my life tho, just like the vast majority of us all. All I can say is, be strong and be truthful to yourself!

    Good luck!


    I wish I could find these guys you speak of. They're pretty much non-existent where I live. i'm trying to stick to my path and not settle but there's only so much you can do you know? I mean... At least if I find a married guy who's my type and vice versa, maybe that would encourage him to come out?

    Yes... We all face obstacles but for feminine type guys, it can be near impossible unless we get a sex change or go with guys who will abuse us or something because they know no one else would want someone like us.

    xrichx said Probably not the best example.. But I see plenty of "masculine" guys that specifically say they want slim "femme" guys on gay apps.


    Where do you live? I see the opposite where I live. But even so, I've sometimes heard "I'm not fem enough".

    jmusmc85 said
    Yeah, but usually they mean either

    1) Tranny

    2) they are of the older, DL variety that the OP doesn't like

    Let's be honest, depending on your level of...femness....most gay guys aren't going to want someone like that


    Exactly. I've seen quite a few guys who'd want to meet a less than masculine man if he were a transsexual (with tits) or are 30-40 years older than me.

    I usually find myself in a cycle of I'm either too fem or not fem enough. And I really don't want to get a sex change but something tells me if I did, things might get easier...?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2014 5:50 AM GMT
    LOL. Just noticed you're in Nevada. Move to LA. There are more variety of guys out here. icon_biggrin.gif
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Sep 16, 2014 6:23 AM GMT
    xrichx saidLOL. Just noticed you're in Nevada. Move to LA. There are more variety of guys out here. icon_biggrin.gif


    Yeah I tend to hear that. I would if I could but that place is so expensive lol Maybe one day...

    I'm just tired of feeling like I'll never be good enough. This song constantly plays in my head lol

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmUZ6nCFNoU
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Sep 16, 2014 11:37 AM GMT
    Do not go for the married men....especially for a relationship, it's a disaster. If you want to meet a wide variety of men that are into a more "exotic" disposition such as yours try New Orleans or San Francisco. My suggestion would be New Orleans because of the thriving gay community and diversity of men.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2014 12:37 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 said
    xrichx saidProbably not the best example.. But I see plenty of "masculine" guys that specifically say they want slim "femme" guys on gay apps.


    Yeah, but usually they mean either

    1) Tranny

    2) they are of the older, DL variety that the OP doesn't like

    Let's be honest, depending on your level of...femness....most gay guys aren't going to want someone like that


    Exactly!!
    Back to the OP, I'm usually the best example of what not to do. I will say however that for me, it literally has been a shift of focus onto hobbies and interests. Finding things that I can say I really love to do.
    Just do something even if you think it's a weird hobby, because you never know what you might end up enjoying.
    Except for becoming a pyromaniac or klepto, as long as you aren't killing people lol then just explore.

    Apart from that, the other shift of focus is maybe to stop trying to find somebody to fall in love with and just be content with finding people who are happy to be friends with you. Maybe at least for now, just try settling for different kind of company.
    I guess this one really depends on the person as there are people who feel they are really wired in wanting a relationship. For reasons I'm sure are there but I don't want to bother finding out, that's never really been the case for me so I guess this was easier for me to do.

    Not that I'm saying close yourself off to falling in love, but just don't make that your primary focus (if it was your primary focus). You never know, you might actually unexpectedly find someone in your pursuit of hobbies/interests, just don't make that the primary reason why you explore those hobbies/interests.

    **virtual hug** (yes I know that probably was lame for anyone who just scoffed)
    You remind me of me when I was 23 because I went through a similar stage at the same age, but honestly you seem like you are handling it wayyyyyy better than I did!!
    Kudos to you and happy birthday in advance icon_smile.gif
    You seem like someone who, as they get older, will have a lot of wisdom to share in your life time.
    Just remain honourable. As you have already mentioned married guys showing interest, I feel it is one of the worst places to look for love because they are most likely going to keep you strung along the side. Especially if they already have a family of their own, let them be an adult and deal with their sexuality without using you as a way to break up their current relationship, if that is what they are even going to do.

    Anyway just my two cents, take what you like and discard the rest. I'm not saying this is the thing to do nor can I comment on how effective it actually is; this is just what I did.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2014 5:46 PM GMT
    I know you have heard this a million times and it doesn't seem realistic now but you have a lot of years ahead of you. Very few people meet "The one" in their early 20s; its' a time for figuring out who you are and what you want. Please hang in there and keep your eyes open... concentrate on enjoying your life and spending time doing things you enjoy with positive people ... if you are out there enjoying yourself any potential "ones" will be seeing you at your authentic best... much more attractive than the pink neon "single and looking" sign i was wearing at your age.

    And FWIW, I fell hard for a very masc., non-stereotypical guy when I was in my late 20s and guess what? I wasn't his type because he likes gentler, smaller "fem" guys. We're still friends and he has been with the same guy for about 12 years now, so it does happen.
  • budri7

    Posts: 20

    Sep 16, 2014 6:05 PM GMT
    you need to start selling ur ass, at least you would be making money and getting dick
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2014 9:26 PM GMT
    Just be yourself and live your life, have a *don't give a fuck attitude. Urg, there will be a guy out there who likes you for you. Honestly, I like it when a guy is just a little fem. Lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2014 12:13 AM GMT
    I know this sounds cheesy, but personality goes an incredibly long way. Be yourself and don't settle! You're only 23! You deserve better than a married man, and you don't want "home wrecker" to be on your conscience.

    B/c if you tried to take my man behind my back, I'm gonna have to break you in two. Like I'd be in prison, and you'd be disfigured.

    But yeah, don't give up hope. And you're overthinking the whole masculine/feminine thing. We're all self-conscious about something.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2014 12:14 AM GMT
    I think you stress about it too much. Meet new people, get to know them and you'll eventually one day wake up next to someone you really do want to wake up next to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2014 2:32 AM GMT
    It think it's comical that you say that because I've met guys that didn't like me because I wasn't "fem" enough icon_neutral.gif which is weird cause I consider myself to be both masculine and feminine.

    But you are young so you still have a lot of time. Maybe this is a sign to relocate somewhere new.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Sep 17, 2014 6:05 AM GMT
    socal56 saidIt think it's comical that you say that because I've met guys that didn't like me because I wasn't "fem" enough icon_neutral.gif which is weird cause I consider myself to be both masculine and feminine.

    But you are young so you still have a lot of time. Maybe this is a sign to relocate somewhere new.


    That's very weird because it's the opposite here where I am but you are right... A change of location would be nice. I'd love to move back to California some day.

    klobasnik saidI think you stress about it too much. Meet new people, get to know them and you'll eventually one day wake up next to someone you really do want to wake up next to.


    I try not to think of my situation but there are just days I can't seem to avoid those thoughts but i hear what you are saying.

    Thank you for all the advice... I guess I have a lot to think about.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2014 9:54 AM GMT
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tyler-curry/the-strength-in-being-a-feminine-gay-man_b_3896302.html

    Give this a read.
    It's an article of a fem guy who struggled with his femininity who on the outset could have been perceived as masculine.
    I know some 'straight-actors' are going to read this and scoff, but to the OP hopefully it encourages you somewhat.
  • BloodFlame

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    Sep 19, 2014 2:54 AM GMT
    MartyredNeons saidhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tyler-curry/the-strength-in-being-a-feminine-gay-man_b_3896302.html

    Give this a read.
    It's an article of a fem guy who struggled with his femininity who on the outset could have been perceived as masculine.
    I know some 'straight-actors' are going to read this and scoff, but to the OP hopefully it encourages you somewhat.


    That was an interesting read, thank you.