how do i confront my boyfriend?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 16, 2014 1:33 PM GMT
    i recently discovered that my boyfriend is chatting with other guys on instagram direct message and has even given out his phone number and been texting with them! i wasn't snooping to learn this, i saw the evidence in plain sight when he was right next to me on his phone (which he is CONSTANTLY on and it drives me insane). he is living with me temporarily for the next couple of weeks until he moves into his new apartment, so the proximity has made me notice and pick up on this behavior a lot more than prior to this. i feel very disrespected, not only because we're in a relationship and he says he loves me, but because he's doing this in my own home! so is this considered to be cheating? do i confront him? if so, how? help!
  • xBEHEMOTHx

    Posts: 95

    Sep 16, 2014 1:47 PM GMT
    Something isnt right..I tell you something isn't right!! If he isn't cheating now he will be soon
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 16, 2014 1:50 PM GMT
    xBEHEMOTHx saidSomething isnt right..I tell you something isn't right!! If he isn't cheating now he will be soon


    so do i confront him about this? and how? i know if i do he's going to flip his shit and say that i'm spying on him -- which i'm not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 16, 2014 1:54 PM GMT
    talknerdy2me said
    xBEHEMOTHx saidSomething isnt right..I tell you something isn't right!! If he isn't cheating now he will be soon


    so do i confront him about this? and how? i know if i do he's going to flip his shit and say that i'm spying on him -- which i'm not.


    Of course you should speak to him about it. You and he need to come to an understanding. Perhaps he doesn't see it as cheating, perhaps he isn't aware that you know. You have to make your feelings known or else it will fester. Get it out in the open so that you have the information that you need, then you can make the best decision for yourself that you can live with.
  • xBEHEMOTHx

    Posts: 95

    Sep 16, 2014 2:07 PM GMT
    talknerdy2me said
    xBEHEMOTHx saidSomething isnt right..I tell you something isn't right!! If he isn't cheating now he will be soon


    so do i confront him about this? and how? i know if i do he's going to flip his shit and say that i'm spying on him -- which i'm not.

    He will think your snooping..there's no way around it..my ex used fb as a cheating tool though so maybe I just don't trust social media
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 16, 2014 2:11 PM GMT
    Blondizgd said
    talknerdy2me said
    xBEHEMOTHx saidSomething isnt right..I tell you something isn't right!! If he isn't cheating now he will be soon


    so do i confront him about this? and how? i know if i do he's going to flip his shit and say that i'm spying on him -- which i'm not.


    Of course you should speak to him about it. You and he need to come to an understanding. Perhaps he doesn't see it as cheating, perhaps he isn't aware that you know. You have to make your feelings known or else it will fester. Get it out in the open so that you have the information that you need, then you can make the best decision for yourself that you can live with.


    i don't know how to bring it up to him or what to even say without him getting pissed off at me -- he doesn't communicate very well and gets very confrontational when challenged. he will think that i am spying on him and betraying his privacy. is there a way to subtly bring it up you think?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 16, 2014 2:11 PM GMT
    xBEHEMOTHx said
    talknerdy2me said
    xBEHEMOTHx saidSomething isnt right..I tell you something isn't right!! If he isn't cheating now he will be soon


    so do i confront him about this? and how? i know if i do he's going to flip his shit and say that i'm spying on him -- which i'm not.

    He will think your snooping..there's no way around it..my ex used fb as a cheating tool though so maybe I just don't trust social media


    i hate social media it's made things so much more complicated icon_sad.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Sep 16, 2014 2:31 PM GMT
    OK. Take a deep breath. Hold it. Then slooowwwly let it out. A couple of questions. Is Instagram a sex pickup site? (Sorry, I don't use it.) Do people use it to communicate for other reasons? How long have you two been a couple? Are you pledged monogamy or are you just at the point of the relationship where you naturally expect it?

    I use this site and some others all the time and never, never since my guy and I met have I ever cheated on him. But I do flirt occasionally. When we first started getting serious, I just kept on using these sites for entertainment and because I had acquired a lot of friends that I saw no reason to cut off. And it was a habit. One day he exploded and I realized he didn't know for sure what I was or wasn't doing talking to all these guys. He asked me to stop. So I did. After telling a few friends I was taking some time off. After a while, six months, I think, he felt comfortable knowing I was his guy and told me he had no problem with me having some fun chatting.

    Point: There is no need to confront him, as you say. Just talk to him. Tell him you saw over his shoulder that he was talking to some guys. And that you'd like to talk about what he expects of you, and vice versa. ALWAYS start these things by inviting him to go first. You've surprised him and he may begin defensively. Don't let it escalate. Just tell him he means (whatever it is he means) to you. Take it from the positive.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 16, 2014 3:02 PM GMT
    consider how much time you have invested in the relationship. If you have been dating a short time kick this to the curb and bail, just not worth the effort.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Sep 16, 2014 3:06 PM GMT
    pellaz saidconsider how much time you have invested in the relationship. If you have been dating a short time kick this to the curb and bail, just not worth the effort.

    Or it could be a great opportunity to take it to a higher level.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 16, 2014 3:09 PM GMT
    talknerdy2me said
    Blondizgd said
    talknerdy2me said
    xBEHEMOTHx saidSomething isnt right..I tell you something isn't right!! If he isn't cheating now he will be soon


    so do i confront him about this? and how? i know if i do he's going to flip his shit and say that i'm spying on him -- which i'm not.


    Of course you should speak to him about it. You and he need to come to an understanding. Perhaps he doesn't see it as cheating, perhaps he isn't aware that you know. You have to make your feelings known or else it will fester. Get it out in the open so that you have the information that you need, then you can make the best decision for yourself that you can live with.


    i don't know how to bring it up to him or what to even say without him getting pissed off at me -- he doesn't communicate very well and gets very confrontational when challenged. he will think that i am spying on him and betraying his privacy. is there a way to subtly bring it up you think?


    You sounds like a battered housewife. Why should you alter how you express your feelings because HE can't communicate like an adult? It sounds like you've put your needs as subservient to his, which never ends well. You had better put your pants back on.

    However, forgetting about this imbalance for a minute, you have left many things out. First of all, does he know you're on RealJock? This is much more of a dating/hookup site than Instagram. Double standards are poisonous to any relationship. Also, have you agreed to monogamy? If so, have you set boundaries within this monogamous relationship?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 16, 2014 3:22 PM GMT
    how much time to you two have invested in each other. If not a lot i would bail from this relationship. Just not worth the constant second guessing someone you love. Where finding someone is cheating on you is not an automatic break up it does take a huge emotional toll.

    to the OP:
    i looked at your profile and yes i see
    "Relationship Status: Dating"
    but i also see your still looking for a date
    "Looking for: Friends, Dating or Relationship, Training Buddies, Online Chat"


    out of respect for my partner i have no private photos and nothing even remotely referencing dating at realjock or any site. My partner routinely uses my cell phone and has its password. most important i have a pic of him on the site.


    real important to have that conversation; on what your expectations are on openness, passwords, whats private and your expectations on cheating in the relationship. Discuss also what is the relationship with x boy friends and acquaintances. Clean up your stuff and i would suggest you have the conversation with him.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Sep 16, 2014 4:46 PM GMT
    speak to him. Don't jump to any grand conclusion. Sometimes rules and limits are assumed, but never really spoken about. Give him the chance to know your feelings. If it continues, then you know where you stand. Good luck.