Abusive Relationship

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    Sep 16, 2014 7:00 PM GMT
    I don't know if this subject ever came up on here but I hear or read alot about abusive relationship in the straight community but do you know anyone or have you been in a abusive relationship either emotional or physical or both? And what was the outcome of it all?

    I know were not all perfect but maybe someone out there might need some advice or how to spot abusive relationships so that we can try to prevent it from happening.

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    Sep 16, 2014 7:44 PM GMT
    There are red flags. Physical violence or disrespect (this could be physical or emotional). Condescendence, or attacking your character, and passive aggressiveness. They are the same as heterosexuals' red flags.
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    Sep 16, 2014 7:46 PM GMT
    I have in a way
  • MarvelBoy23

    Posts: 279

    Sep 17, 2014 4:39 PM GMT
    Kind of just dealing with this at the moment...

    It was alcohol fueled. My husband wouldn't give me his car keys. He was wasted. Like really, incredibly wasted, so much so I've never seen him this drunk in the 11 years we've been together. He is much smaller than me (I could have put him down with one knock if I had too but I just wanted his keys so he didn't kill himself or someone else), but he was wailing on me with his keys sticking out of a closed fist. Got me good a few times on the right side of my head approaching my eyes. Freaked me out, thought I was going to get a key in the eye-hole!!! I managed to grab his wrist, but then he was going with the other hand. I had to smack him to get him to snap out of it so he would stop attacking me. That didn't work, but I did get the keys.

    I've never dealt with anything like this before. I'm a big dude, I can take care of myself, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it wasn't incredibly concerning to me. I try to show understanding due to his job loss and a boat-load of emotional issues he has been dealing with. I have a temper myself, which I have under control, but I've never raised a hand to anyone that didn't start with me first. I'd sooner inflict pain upon myself than to physically hurt another being because of my temper. I felt insanely guilty the instant my hand touched his face =(

    I've never been in a situation like this. He has NEVER behaved this way before. I believe a mix of his medications, booze and xanax were the cause, which makes me understand it, I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't feel it is acceptable behavior, though I know it wasn't intentional. He wasn't making any sense at the time and it was clearly obvious how intoxicated he was.

    This also happened at 11pm in front of our home, with our neighbor trying to stop it all from happening. I am mortified by his behavior as well as mine.
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    Sep 17, 2014 5:11 PM GMT
    MarvelBoy23 saidKind of just dealing with this at the moment...

    It was alcohol fueled. My husband wouldn't give me his car keys. He was wasted. Like really, incredibly wasted, so much so I've never seen him this drunk in the 11 years we've been together. He is much smaller than me (I could have put him down with one knock if I had too but I just wanted his keys so he didn't kill himself or someone else), but he was wailing on me with his keys sticking out of a closed fist. Got me good a few times on the right side of my head approaching my eyes. Freaked me out, thought I was going to get a key in the eye-hole!!! I managed to grab his wrist, but then he was going with the other hand. I had to smack him to get him to snap out of it so he would stop attacking me. That didn't work, but I did get the keys.

    I've never dealt with anything like this before. I'm a big dude, I can take care of myself, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it wasn't incredibly concerning to me. I try to show understanding due to his job loss and a boat-load of emotional issues he has been dealing with. I have a temper myself, which I have under control, but I've never raised a hand to anyone that didn't start with me first. I'd sooner inflict pain upon myself than to physically hurt another being because of my temper. I felt insanely guilty the instant my hand touched his face =(

    I've never been in a situation like this. He has NEVER behaved this way before. I believe a mix of his medications, booze and xanax were the cause, which makes me understand it, I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't feel it is acceptable behavior, though I know it wasn't intentional. He wasn't making any sense at the time and it was clearly obvious how intoxicated he was.

    This also happened at 11pm in front of our home, with our neighbor trying to stop it all from happening. I am mortified by his behavior as well as mine.


    You sit him down, and explain everything you wrote here. Huge red flag, if he can't handle his alcohol, then he has to stop drinking. If he continues that's a deal breaker.
  • MarvelBoy23

    Posts: 279

    Sep 17, 2014 6:07 PM GMT
    We've had the conversation. I should have been more clear, sorry, I think it is more of an internal struggle at this point. I need to get past it if we are going to work through this, and if not I have to let it go immediately. It isn't like I'm dealing with a 6 month history, we've been together for 11 years.

    I feel like a victim (and I shouldn't) and that hurts my pride. Pride can be just as dangerous as anything tho, so I am trying to take a step back and try to figure things out instead of rushing to or through a decision. I'd hate to make everything worse. And I hate to be a pussy at the same time.

    Generally I am pretty good at internalizing, reflecting and working through my issues. This was just a shock to me that it happened at all. Now it's left me unsure of so much. icon_question.gif( It makes me question everything.

    Thanks for the response~
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    Sep 17, 2014 6:25 PM GMT
    MarvelBoy23 saidWe've had the conversation. I should have been more clear, sorry, I think it is more of an internal struggle at this point. I need to get past it if we are going to work through this, and if not I have to let it go immediately. It isn't like I'm dealing with a 6 month history, we've been together for 11 years.

    I feel like a victim (and I shouldn't) and that hurts my pride. Pride can be just as dangerous as anything tho, so I am trying to take a step back and try to figure things out instead of rushing to or through a decision. I'd hate to make everything worse. And I hate to be a pussy at the same time.

    Generally I am pretty good at internalizing, reflecting and working through my issues. This was just a shock to me that it happened at all. Now it's left me unsure of so much. icon_question.gif( It makes me question everything.

    Thanks for the response~


    If he cares about you, he will drop alcohol, at least until he figures out how to control it and the exact cause. It's nothing to ask of, you're not asking for a kidney. Alcohol is not a right, it's a privilege, if he's a man, he'd understand that.
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    Sep 17, 2014 9:00 PM GMT
    MarvelBoy23 saidWe've had the conversation. I should have been more clear, sorry, I think it is more of an internal struggle at this point. I need to get past it if we are going to work through this, and if not I have to let it go immediately. It isn't like I'm dealing with a 6 month history, we've been together for 11 years.

    I feel like a victim (and I shouldn't) and that hurts my pride. Pride can be just as dangerous as anything tho, so I am trying to take a step back and try to figure things out instead of rushing to or through a decision. I'd hate to make everything worse. And I hate to be a pussy at the same time.

    Generally I am pretty good at internalizing, reflecting and working through my issues. This was just a shock to me that it happened at all. Now it's left me unsure of so much. icon_question.gif( It makes me question everything.

    Thanks for the response~



    I am so grateful I'm not married anymore!
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    Sep 17, 2014 11:04 PM GMT
    A very good friend worked in the DAs office for the City of New Orleans and he told me that the most violent, bloody, and often lethal cases involved domestic violence between two gay men.
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    Sep 18, 2014 10:37 AM GMT
    My brothers boyfriend hit him and gave him stitches. I warned him that abuse is usually not a one time thing and told him to get out. I also warned him not to tell his boyfriend as the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship was when the victim tries to leave. Abuse is usually about control more than anything. The abuser fears losing control so will go to extreme measures to keep it if the abused tries to leave.
    My brother didn't listen to me and a year later was i the hospital because of his boyfriend. Thankfully he's moved back home now and severed ties with his bf.
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    Sep 18, 2014 5:42 PM GMT
    Wyndahoi saidMy brothers boyfriend hit him and gave him stitches. I warned him that abuse is usually not a one time thing and told him to get out. I also warned him not to tell his boyfriend as the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship was when the victim tries to leave. Abuse is usually about control more than anything. The abuser fears losing control so will go to extreme measures to keep it if the abused tries to leave.
    My brother didn't listen to me and a year later was i the hospital because of his boyfriend. Thankfully he's moved back home now and severed ties with his bf.


    That's so fucked up. I honestly cannot imagine gay physical abuse...I know it exists...but..wow..
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Sep 18, 2014 6:33 PM GMT
    MarvelBoy23 saidKind of just dealing with this at the moment...

    It was alcohol fueled. My husband wouldn't give me his car keys. He was wasted. Like really, incredibly wasted, so much so I've never seen him this drunk in the 11 years we've been together. He is much smaller than me (I could have put him down with one knock if I had too but I just wanted his keys so he didn't kill himself or someone else), but he was wailing on me with his keys sticking out of a closed fist. Got me good a few times on the right side of my head approaching my eyes. Freaked me out, thought I was going to get a key in the eye-hole!!! I managed to grab his wrist, but then he was going with the other hand. I had to smack him to get him to snap out of it so he would stop attacking me. That didn't work, but I did get the keys.

    I've never dealt with anything like this before. I'm a big dude, I can take care of myself, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it wasn't incredibly concerning to me. I try to show understanding due to his job loss and a boat-load of emotional issues he has been dealing with. I have a temper myself, which I have under control, but I've never raised a hand to anyone that didn't start with me first. I'd sooner inflict pain upon myself than to physically hurt another being because of my temper. I felt insanely guilty the instant my hand touched his face =(

    I've never been in a situation like this. He has NEVER behaved this way before. I believe a mix of his medications, booze and xanax were the cause, which makes me understand it, I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't feel it is acceptable behavior, though I know it wasn't intentional. He wasn't making any sense at the time and it was clearly obvious how intoxicated he was.

    This also happened at 11pm in front of our home, with our neighbor trying to stop it all from happening. I am mortified by his behavior as well as mine.


    Too many men in the world I would have stopped him with force and left him. I would never tolerate a guy who uses drugs and that much booze to get through life. I can't believe thesis the only time this has happened in 11 years? Sounds very odd.
    Good luck with that. If you intend on staying you should have I'm get couselling ASAP. What if you were without an eye now???
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    Sep 18, 2014 6:48 PM GMT
    Sweetooth said
    Wyndahoi saidMy brothers boyfriend hit him and gave him stitches. I warned him that abuse is usually not a one time thing and told him to get out. I also warned him not to tell his boyfriend as the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship was when the victim tries to leave. Abuse is usually about control more than anything. The abuser fears losing control so will go to extreme measures to keep it if the abused tries to leave.
    My brother didn't listen to me and a year later was i the hospital because of his boyfriend. Thankfully he's moved back home now and severed ties with his bf.


    That's so fucked up. I honestly cannot imagine gay physical abuse...I know it exists...but..wow..


    The really fucked up thing is my brother could totally take him. He's pretty fit and was in the Marines for 8 years so has been trained in hand to hand combat. He said he just couldn't believe it was happening.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Sep 18, 2014 6:55 PM GMT
    MarvelBoy23 saidWe've had the conversation. I should have been more clear, sorry, I think it is more of an internal struggle at this point. I need to get past it if we are going to work through this, and if not I have to let it go immediately. It isn't like I'm dealing with a 6 month history, we've been together for 11 years.

    I feel like a victim (and I shouldn't) and that hurts my pride. Pride can be just as dangerous as anything tho, so I am trying to take a step back and try to figure things out instead of rushing to or through a decision. I'd hate to make everything worse. And I hate to be a pussy at the same time.

    Generally I am pretty good at internalizing, reflecting and working through my issues. This was just a shock to me that it happened at all. Now it's left me unsure of so much. icon_question.gif( It makes me question everything.

    Thanks for the response~

    If this is the first and only time in eleven years, and you think you understand his issues leading up to the event, and you believe he is completely contrite, give him a one time pass. We all have our breaking points and he may have just been there. It sounds like a very normal drunken refusal to give up car keys that escalated. I understand your emotional turmoil but if you still love the guy, just try to forgive but not forget. It may take some time to get it out of your head but it doesn't sound like you have any reason to feel like a pussy. You stood up to the situation and acted like a strong adult man doing what needed to be done. I'm sure your partner is feeling terrible about it (if he remembers it much). You can shoulder the memory for you both so long as it never happens again.
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    Sep 18, 2014 6:59 PM GMT
    Wyndahoi said
    Sweetooth said
    Wyndahoi saidMy brothers boyfriend hit him and gave him stitches. I warned him that abuse is usually not a one time thing and told him to get out. I also warned him not to tell his boyfriend as the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship was when the victim tries to leave. Abuse is usually about control more than anything. The abuser fears losing control so will go to extreme measures to keep it if the abused tries to leave.
    My brother didn't listen to me and a year later was i the hospital because of his boyfriend. Thankfully he's moved back home now and severed ties with his bf.


    That's so fucked up. I honestly cannot imagine gay physical abuse...I know it exists...but..wow..


    The really fucked up thing is my brother could totally take him. He's pretty fit and was in the Marines for 8 years so has been trained in hand to hand combat. He said he just couldn't believe it was happening.


    I believe this. It sucks icon_sad.gif
  • MarvelBoy23

    Posts: 279

    Sep 18, 2014 8:38 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    MarvelBoy23 saidWe've had the conversation. I should have been more clear, sorry, I think it is more of an internal struggle at this point. I need to get past it if we are going to work through this, and if not I have to let it go immediately. It isn't like I'm dealing with a 6 month history, we've been together for 11 years.

    I feel like a victim (and I shouldn't) and that hurts my pride. Pride can be just as dangerous as anything tho, so I am trying to take a step back and try to figure things out instead of rushing to or through a decision. I'd hate to make everything worse. And I hate to be a pussy at the same time.

    Generally I am pretty good at internalizing, reflecting and working through my issues. This was just a shock to me that it happened at all. Now it's left me unsure of so much. icon_question.gif( It makes me question everything.

    Thanks for the response~

    If this is the first and only time in eleven years, and you think you understand his issues leading up to the event, and you believe he is completely contrite, give him a one time pass. We all have our breaking points and he may have just been there. It sounds like a very normal drunken refusal to give up car keys that escalated. I understand your emotional turmoil but if you still love the guy, just try to forgive but not forget. It may take some time to get it out of your head but it doesn't sound like you have any reason to feel like a pussy. You stood up to the situation and acted like a strong adult man doing what needed to be done. I'm sure your partner is feeling terrible about it (if he remembers it much). You can shoulder the memory for you both so long as it never happens again.


    Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. It is going to be tough to get it out of my head, but I do think in time, this will heal, as long as my patience holds out and he continues to refrain from drinking!

    It certainly will never happen again, if it does, it's an immediate game over. It's hard to just end something when you do in fact love someone, but I won't be put into this situation repeatedly!


    @MikemikeMike "Too many men in the world I would have stopped him with force and left him. I would never tolerate a guy who uses drugs and that much booze to get through life. I can't believe thesis the only time this has happened in 11 years? Sounds very odd.
    Good luck with that. If you intend on staying you should have I'm get couselling ASAP. What if you were without an eye now???"

    It is the first time this has ever happened. He's never even had an issue with alcohol before this, and the Xanax was pushed by the Doctor... Counseling is currently in the works. As he is unemployed and without insurance, I'm waiting now to hear from my provider if there's a way to cover us both for mutual sessions. If it had gotten far enough that I lost anything aside from a little dignity, we wouldn't really be having this conversation as my relationship would be over. The reason I am having trouble with this, is because of 11 years without any kind of incident whatsoever, and the understanding I have of the subsequent series of unfortunate events leading up to the incident!
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    Sep 20, 2014 1:19 AM GMT
    Wyndahoi said...the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship was when the victim tries to leave. Abuse is usually about control more than anything. The abuser fears losing control so will go to extreme measures to keep it if the abused tries to leave...


    Sometimes these people are born into your life. I had an xcousin abuser who was raised as my friend and was the only person I ever took abuse from until she finally crossed that line that you just don't come back from. And my brother has one now in his life for his life, my adopted nephew, who might even have a bit of sociopathy, only there is no line. Not that they haven't pretty much all been crossed--the stories are horrific--but he's their kid. So they're stuck with that abusiveness in their life.

    And sometimes people can fool you. You don't know how abusive they are until you wind up in their scope.

    Thus the internet stalker, an example of the truth in Wyndahoi's statement. I wound up with one on this very forum that many of you have probably noticed constantly making an ass of himself, Bon_Salieri or Antonio_Pan, something like that. A total phoney, but charming on the surface, he likes to flatter people right before he takes to pissing on them.

    So these things aren't always avoidable. The forum douchebag I can just walk away from with no feelings toward him. He's recognized garbage. My xcousin, though she's some good qualities, I can walk away from her abuse but I will always be torn because the love I've known for her since I was a babe doesn't stop. My brother and sister in law can never even walk away from their abusive kid. They're totally stuck in that relationship. I can walk away from the kid to some degree--like I could walk away from their kids after winding them up right before bedtime when they were little, ooops--but they can't. They're stuck.

    So to the OP's OP, I think sometimes you can't prevent it. You do your best though, assuming you don't indulge in S&M which I find horrifying to the soul. Sometimes the best we can do is try and minimize it. Online abusers, ya click ignore. Someone in real life, ya walk away, depending there though on the relations. And then in a situation like with my nephew, you work like hell to give the kid as many tools of living as he can manage in the hopes that he doesn't hurt himself or kill anyone else.

    Life can be tough and often tragic. So it is when people manufacture extra horseshit of their own and export that into the world that we truly see their despicable despair.

    Hey Bon_Salieri, just in case by some slim chance you happen to be stalking me still...

    15140pstr.JPG
    I thought you'd get off on knowing that. Oh, and while you're having an orgasm to your fantasy of a good-hearted person thinking you are despicable, why don't you go fuck yourself. Thanx.
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    Sep 20, 2014 11:37 PM GMT
    Oh look, a perfect example of an abusive douchebag.

    I had responded to David3K's thread titled My 11 years old niece "joked" about committing suicide here http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/3912177 with info I'd received from a psychologist friend who I'd thought to discuss his problem with, and with a coincidental incident occurring in my own life involving an attempted suicide...

    theantijock saidDuring lunch the other day with a psychologist friend I mentioned this thread and she thought it odd that a child would bring up suicide. We even discussed how sometimes people might use the threat as leverage but 11 seems a bit young to use the concept of death as a bartering tool. It could also just be mimicry, but you don't know so you have to monitor that.

    And then just this morning I received a text from a friend now at the hospital to be near another one of our friends who last night attempted suicide with an overdose of pills. I've no other details yet.

    He's a real nice guy, very handsome too, I always liked him, but life has been beating the crap out of him lately. He suffered huge financial losses including his accounting job and his young wife who he put through medical school left him when she graduated and got a job.

    Our friend who is with him runs support groups so he's the perfect guy to be there now.



    Yet how does 2nd rate stalker Bon_Salieri respond? With this dog shit diarrhea dribbling out the smelly corner of his malevolent mouth...

    bon_pan saidYay! Hold fast to your philosophy of letting those wishing to die, die!

    I can walk you to the edge of the cliff and I can pick up the pieces...everything in between is up to you....

    So nice for when first 10-year was for all intents and purposes, suicidal. Way to go, big guy!


    Wherein he practically accuses me of being responsible for death of the love of my life, an accusation he makes when I tell of the attempted suicide of a loved friend.

    That's him revealing to the world his miserable character. He likes to think he is punishing me for rejecting him, but who in their right mind would have anything to do with such a scumbag? He's unable to see that I never rejected him for any one particular thing he might ever have said, rather, I have rejected his loathsome soul.

    Hey bon_bon_panda, fuck you.