Coming out seems to be hurtful for my mum!

  • dennis_london

    Posts: 2

    Sep 18, 2014 6:40 PM GMT
    Hi RJ,

    I am feeling a bit sad after coming out for the first time in my life! This person was my mum. I am living away from my home country for about 4 years. My mum had this idea that one day I would return back to my home town, settle with a family and create the standard family portrait adding the grandchildren to the picture for her joy. However, I am at a very happy point in my life -- though this is not a relationship thing or anything, for just being where I am now.

    Yesterday, my mum and I were discussing and arguing why I do not want to come back and I popped the 27 year old secret out -- the fact of being gay. Although this is not the only reason, I just wanted be completely secret free since we have always been so close with my mum and I started to notice that we were losing this bond.

    Since that moment, I regret it because I gave her another reason to be unhappy. She couldn't understand, though I explained her everything about what this means and my point of view towards being gay. She is in kind of a denial stage and very sad since last night. Seeing her so unhappy and helpless after crushing all her dreams about my future children and being a grandma really breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do.

    How long do this denial stage continue? Will she ever try to understand me at some point or will she just try ignore the situation? What are you experiences on this? Do you always feel guilt after all?

    Thanks a lot.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 18, 2014 6:43 PM GMT
    You were honest and truthful with her... you did the right thing.

    Give her some time and space, she will come around eventually. You "cracked" her perceptions of you and what was to happen(in her mind). No doubt she loves you and I would hope would accept reality.

    Give her space, but don't.. DON'T second guess your reasons for doing so!

    Kudos!

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Sep 18, 2014 6:44 PM GMT
    She may never get over it, you can get her information on this, she probably feels like she did something wrong. You are no longer a kid. You will be living your life fully now. She can accept you or not. You are still her son, her flesh and blood. Let her know how much you love her and how you both need each others support and open communication now more than ever!
    Good luck don't feel to blame. Keep us posted!
    Be Happy Be Well!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Sep 18, 2014 7:11 PM GMT
    Just give her some time. Then ask her what questions she might have of you. I know you're feeling bad to have hurt your mom but you did the one thing that needed to be done. If you hadn't told her, your life and your connection to her would have gotten progressively weaker and weaker until she was left alone wondering why you stopped loving her. That is much worse than her having to rethink her dreams for the future. Make an effort to start telling her what's going on in your life including your romantic (not sex!) life. She'll adjust. And feel a part of your life again. That's what a mother wants. You did the right thing.
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    Sep 18, 2014 7:35 PM GMT
    Took mine 6 years.
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    Sep 18, 2014 7:49 PM GMT
    There's also plenty of resources and evidence out there to help Mum understand (eventually) that she doesn't have to automatically forgo her long-sought dreams of someday being a proud grandma (AND a mother-in-law).

    Many people, women especially, have tried to live out somebody else's dreams to a T, in the process sacrificing many of their own. I trust your Mum would never want that fate for you.

    Still, as long as you want children and a spouse, and as long as we all continue fighting for equality, Mum could very well see her dreams for you come true. A happily married man with a joyous family. Who's Mum wouldn't want that?

    "I'm gay" =/= "I'll never get married or have children"... That was merely what the world around her constructed and led her to believe as she grow up. but all of that is changing around her with more happy gay couples every day raising grateful children... many with grandma's help. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 18, 2014 7:50 PM GMT
    http://www.pflag.co.uk/
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    Sep 18, 2014 8:05 PM GMT
    bring home a husband and two children if you want.
  • davfit

    Posts: 309

    Sep 19, 2014 8:47 PM GMT
    Its sounds like she really wants to be a grandmother...Make her one!!!...Let her know that children are "not out" of the picture.. if You want them..you can have them,yes your own....Being gay has no limitations!!! at least that should cheer her up.
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    Sep 19, 2014 10:12 PM GMT
    davfit saidIts sounds like she really wants to be a grandmother...Make her one!!!...Let her know that children are "not out" of the picture.. if You want them..you can have them,yes your own....Being gay has no limitations!!! at least that should cheer her up.


    This. Just because you're gay, doesn't mean you will never get married or have children (whether adopted or biologically yours). It just won't be with a woman (just the surrogate, if you want biological kids of your own)! Haha.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 19, 2014 10:36 PM GMT
    All parents handle it differently.
    Your revelation is still very fresh in her mind.
    It will likely take some time for her to process it, then learn to accept it.
    The number one thing for you is to NOT let her make you feel guilty.
    You have done nothing to her.
    She is the only one responsible for her own expectations.
    As you know, being gay is not a choice.
    Give her time.
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    Sep 19, 2014 10:41 PM GMT
    What about mom's consideration for what it took for you to come out to her? Did you do it to be mean? Did you do it because you wanted her to know her son?
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    Sep 20, 2014 3:59 AM GMT
    O.P.: Sorry your mom is having a hard time with your news. I'm thinking she's a nice lady, and if you give it time, and show her you're the same great guy she has always known and loved, she'll come around and you'll both be okay again.

    I was raised by strict, formal, conservative grandparents, and thankfully - they were okay with my news. I think it was okay for them because they knew some older gay men (couples) who were good examples (bright, well educated, urbane, debonair, all good things). Those men were well accepted in the San Francisco / New York 'society' and so when my news came, my grandparents we're a bit stunned, but okay with the situation.

    My parents - on the other hand were not so cool about it. My mother - in particular - was outraged. She is a very liberal, well educated, popular, atheistic lady, but she was pissed as Hell. "How can he do this to me?! How can he do this to our family?!" she screamed to others - out of my earshot. Many years later - and time has not healed this. We barely get along.

    So - you never know who's going to be cool with your news and who's going to treat you badly. But your mom may just need some time to realize you're still YOU. Good luck!
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    Sep 20, 2014 6:28 AM GMT
    Some mothers, I think, are genuinely hurt and feel like they must have done something wrong when you come out to them as gay if you are their little boy they love so much. Most of them, I think, react the way they do because there will never be another opportunity like the one you give them when you come out for them to be dramatic and offended (remember, females love any opportunity to be offended by males and be the victim and just so greatly wounded and hurt that they seem like life is over for them). My suspicions are that your mum will get over it and accept you for you are, just based on your post here, although you may not think so right now because of the emotional impact of her drama upon you.
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    Sep 20, 2014 8:11 AM GMT
    My mum was 80 when I told here....and she had to be the first I told.

    She hugged me told me she loved all three of her sons and wished I told her sooner.

    Nothing changes really but it has to be done when you're ready.

    Your mum will come around.
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    Sep 20, 2014 6:27 PM GMT
    I'm a single child. A third into my life, assuming I survive to the average age of death. I still haven't told my mother I'm gay, and already I'm regretting each day that goes by without doing it. I wonder if my mother wants grandchildren, and if she does, the pain she might feel knowing it's possible she'll never see grandchildren--since at the moment, I'm not interested in marriage or children in the slightest. Still got time ahead of me, and she hopefully ahead of her...but I don't know.

    Better to communicate constantly with your loved ones. Communication is the key to understanding, and if we don't communicate enough, it's likely to lead to misunderstanding. It's tough...
  • being_human

    Posts: 152

    Sep 21, 2014 5:49 AM GMT
    that bums. Any mom or parent for that matter will be disappointed at first. i think you should definitely reach out to her, as only you can reconcile the matter. im not out yet, as its impossible atm. im happy that u came out to your mom, for better or worse.
    just wanted to say, your mom just found out that you are to settle with another man, that changes her idea of her ideal son completely. its a whole new picture now. she questions all the past details about you. so, reach out. all the best.