Standard boy advice...

  • williamgeo

    Posts: 19

    Sep 22, 2014 6:02 PM GMT
    Hi all, first time here. Haven't used forums since I was a teen but I guess I really need advice. I've talked to friends about this who are giving me different answers.

    Met a guy off a dating app. Wasn't that excited to meet him as he was alright looking but not really a head turner. Thought I'd give it a shot and very quickly I started to like him. Natural chemistry, similar sense of humour, gorgeous smile and somehow he was really into me too. We kissed on the second date, met up a few times and I'd get the texts afterwards that would make me blush; 'if you never speak to me again I'm going to hunt you down' (I found that cute ok!). The icing on the cake was the amount of guys that would chat me up whilst I was out with him, so I'd look like a proper catch.

    I told myself to be cautious with my feelings because I've been hurt real bad before (haven't we all) but like a 15 year old girl I let my mind wander and started getting excited about the future.

    I was very disciplined with playing it cool. I hate playing games but I learned from experience not to come on too strong. The general vibe I gave off was 'I'm fond of you, but you're not my every thought'. But of course I thought of nothing else. As soon as I admitted to myself how much I liked him it was like someone flicked a switch. Suddenly he could only give me one word replies to my messages. He was also too busy to meet up anymore, insisting his studies for his law exams were being compromised.

    Some friends told me he was playing hard to get, some told me I was being mugged off and I needed to get rid of him. Eventually he cancelled on me for another date and I suggested we had some space whilst he took care of his priorities. He told me he wanted us to keep talking but right now was bad timing. Feeling absolutely gutted I arranged a date with another guy for yesterday. It was so boring. When I got home I felt utterly dead inside.

    My heart tells me that this is partly due to him only coming out 2 months ago - it was all becoming too much too soon and he just needs some space to miss seeing me. My head tells me that he just lost interest, or that he was never really that into me to begin with and I got swept away.

    I'm gutted that it was going so perfectly only to die a sudden, pointless death. I'm gutted that we never even had sex. I'm gutted that at 23 I've let myself feel like this all over again. I'm emotionally invested and I don't know whether to swallow my pride and try again in a few weeks, or do the 'right thing' and never talk to him again. It's been 3 days since we've spoken and I haven't felt a shred of happiness in that time. My friends tell me I'm way out of his league and that's why I love them, but I need honest strangers.

    Any responses welcome.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2014 7:41 PM GMT
    Sorry, life is too short to be reading all of that.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Sep 22, 2014 8:46 PM GMT
    You turned it into a game. Decided he didn't have time for a game player. You should have just been yourself and honest. I expect he is busy if he's studying for law exams. Not sure if you mean exams in school or Bar Exams. If it is for the Bar, most guys remove themselves from civilization in a cabin somewhere for 4 months to study without interruptions or distractions.

    If you honestly want to develop a relationship, call him and find out what's going on in his life. If he needs total focus, support him. Offer to help If you can. He doesn't need space. He needs support. Think of him. Not you. If that isn't where you are right now, fine**. Apparently that is what he believes.

    **The icing on the cake you offer suggests you're not ready for a boyfriend. You're enjoying the field too much. That's normal until you find the "one" guy. When you do, those other guys are wasting your time that could better be spent with him.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 23, 2014 3:40 PM GMT
    Well, first of all, you began acquainting with him with a very shallow judgement.
    Secondly, if you like him, just tell him how you feel and ask him for the truth. Is he really busy or avoiding you? I will say, while 1 word responses are bullshit, I've had exams stress me out so much I barricaded myself from the outside world, and this was just during the period of doing my bachelors. A similar thing might be happening to him.
    Gay guys just are terrible at dating, either way too clingy or cold.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2014 5:44 AM GMT
    Three days - oh, the eternity of pain!

    Sorry you held back on revealing your true feelings to the other guy. You may never know whether that made a difference or not. One can admit to liking someone without telling him that you are in love, which might (rightly) put him off.

    But you're not supposed to become infatuated with a guy before you've slept together at least once. If you haven't seen him naked, for all you know, he could actually be a girl who has had a sex change and hormones. I've heard a teenager-in-love song from the Do-wop era on late night telly about "puppy love." Sounds like what you had/have a case of.

    You should actually feel sorry for the guy you dated while you were still mooning over Mr. Missed Opportunity. You were probably boring to this guy as well, and certainly wasting his time.

    Destinharbor gave good advice. Call the guy. If you want to resume the romance when he is available, it won't happen if you are not in contact. If he changes his mind, you get a chance to see where it goes.

    But in the long run, if you become infatuated with guys after a couple dates and no time in the sack, you might expect to go through this 20 more times before you settle down in your 30's.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Sep 27, 2014 7:40 PM GMT
    go fuck 5 guys and then start dating.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 27, 2014 8:08 PM GMT
    I have much advice for you.

    #1 He probably left you because you use the word "gutted" far too often.

    But seriously....you say he blew you off for a date with another guy. How do you know he had a "date?" Did he tell you it was a date? Also, you play way too many games. Genuine guys avoid those mind games like the plague.

    No matter why he's pulled away, I think the right answer is to let go. That means, don't call him....don't text him....don't email him....and don't Facebook him. Just stop. And learn from your mistake of playing games.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 27, 2014 8:19 PM GMT
    Sweetooth saidWell, first of all, you began acquainting with him with a very shallow judgement.
    Secondly, if you like him, just tell him how you feel and ask him for the truth.

    ^ this

    anyways, he seems new to the scene, most look for "adventure" and not relationships, find one that looks for the last if opening up to him doesnt change things...
  • PRDGUY

    Posts: 641

    Sep 27, 2014 8:40 PM GMT
    You write as if it was all his fault and somehow you were betrayed. As for my interpretation it seems that your inmaturity+ playing games ended with a result in Which you lost someone that was more important to you than you were willing to admit. Others have said it much better and in one sentence... simply be yourself be real and upfront as your feelings and as to what you want to come eventually from this relationship.
  • Joshmarkus

    Posts: 8

    Sep 28, 2014 12:46 PM GMT
    So far you've received terrible advice


    First of all stop reading into everything. If he likes you as much as you like him then you've got nothing to worry about he will make the effort

    But don't be one of those guys that finds a nice guy and then thinks things aren't working out with them so you go and date/fuck some other guy that will make you look like a total slut just be patient especially if you think you've found the right guy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 28, 2014 1:19 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI expect he is busy if he's studying for law exams. Not sure if you mean exams in school or Bar Exams. If it is for the Bar, most guys remove themselves from civilization in a cabin somewhere for 4 months to study without interruptions or distractions.


    No they don't!
    Studying for the bar is stressful but not THAT stressful. In fact you need some occasional fun time to keep your mental health. (I'm admitted in 3 states so you can trust me on this).
    If the OP's guy wanted to see him he would make time to see him.
    The obvious answer is that the guy came out two months ago. It's a classic case of candy-store syndrome which most of us recall only too well.