Need insight for tomorrow!!

  • Velgan

    Posts: 3

    Sep 24, 2014 6:47 PM GMT
    Hello everyone and thank you for establishing this forum,

    First of all, I will tell you abit about me and my context. I am 21, just came out of college, entered my masters and joined one of the big 4 as an auditor, a dream job in my field at my age. I have always been very successful at everything. I also go to the gym and love training dogs. I am fine with my sexual orientation and have accepted it for years.
    Regarding my family, I am very different from my father and he is a bigot. I have always been very close to my mother. 3 years ago she was diagnosed as being bipolar and we went through very dark periods. She was compulsively put in a mental hospital for 2 months. This was 2 years ago and a year ago she stopped taking meds and counseling which now leads to a severe mental depression, self destructive and suicidal. So things have not been easy... Regarding my bro, he has been like a father to me always, he is 9 years older and a soon to be father himself. I told him 5 months ago I was gay and he was very supportive. For now he is the only one that knows.
    I am masculine and a regular guy so no one knows or guesses my sexuality. Parents are out of the question considering the situation, I have no friends I could trust (without jeopardizing my profession) both in work and in college.
    Recently, I have developed a very strong bond with the captain of my dog training team. He is 40 and a father of two. I have been telling him my problems, the overwhelm workload I face everyday in one of the most demanding jobs there is + masters, sleeping barely anything and at the end of the day facing the problems with my mother. She says she will kill herself daily (and there is a possibility) and continuously blackmails me emotionally to stay with her. Besides I also told him I was tired to live in a lie... And I am. First, because everyone expects the best of me everyday. I am very social, always doing prime work and setting the example. No one thinks I have problems, no one asks how I feel, I end up taking take of everyone at my house and no one takes care of me.
    This Thursday he said he would not go to work to have lunch with me since he wanted to talk about this personally. If my sexuality comes up should I tell him? He is a very wise and reasonable guy as far as I know but I can t handle more problems right now. Pros? Cons? Ideas? I know him for half a year and he is one of the only people I trust. I admire him a lot. What should I do? Any more info just post here and I will answer! Thanks in advance for the answers.
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    Sep 24, 2014 6:58 PM GMT
    If you can find the time to talk with a counsellor or therapist it would probably be a benefit for you. You have a lot of pressure on you and it would be a good idea to talk over your issues with a professional.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Sep 24, 2014 7:11 PM GMT
    I'm a bit confused. The captain of the dog training team is taking off work to have lunch with you to discuss what?
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    Sep 24, 2014 7:11 PM GMT
    You definitely can make more problems for yourself down the line by being untruthful than by being truthful.

    If in the course of talking about your family issues your relationship status comes up, be open and honest. You're already trusting this colleague with personal matters like your family situation, and I wouldn't even go to lunch with him if I couldn't trust him on personal matters, including your sexuality.

    I'm forgetting what it's called but any major corporate entity (especially the big accounting firms) have go-to resources for counseling. Check your company's online HR site and see what services they have that can be helpful to you... I just found the term I was thinking of, "Employee Assistance Program" (EAP). What you may be seeking through your colleague friend may already come as part of your employee benefit package.
  • Velgan

    Posts: 3

    Sep 24, 2014 7:18 PM GMT
    Thanks for your answer. I have considered that option. I am accepting the situation and yes, I have considered talking to a professional. However, I feel it will not help with my problems. I am a very calm and rational person overall and paying a stranger to care will not make people I care about, care. I do not feel emotional nerves or stress. I feel sad and disappointed... and as if I lack honesty in my life.
  • Velgan

    Posts: 3

    Sep 24, 2014 7:20 PM GMT
    He wanted to arrange a lunch to talk about what I am dealing with. Family and major life changes. I am expecting some kind of other personal questions to come up since we are somewhat close.
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    Sep 24, 2014 7:27 PM GMT
    Velgan saidThanks for your answer. I have considered that option. I am accepting the situation and yes, I have considered talking to a professional. However, I feel it will not help with my problems. I am a very calm and rational person overall and paying a stranger to care will not make people I care about, care. I do not feel emotional nerves or stress. I feel sad and disappointed... and as if I lack honesty in my life.


    Most professional therapists and counselors will tell you the vast majority of clients had no expectations their services would help. You're not paying the professional "stranger" to care about you, or to help other people care. Her/his role is to help you manage your personal and business life in a world where people (particularly the "non-strangers") don't seem to care enough.

    EAP, or whatever your company calls it, is part of your employee benefit package, allowing your company to defray some or all of your out-of-pocket costs, because companies have found employees to be much more productive when they're not feeling sad, disappointed, and dishonest.
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    Sep 25, 2014 11:02 PM GMT
    I cannot imagine that one of The Big 4 doesn't have an LGBT group. Your sexual orientation should be a non-factor. Contact the group. They will have resources to help you.
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    Sep 26, 2014 2:52 AM GMT
    icon_sad.gif

    I've emotionally blackmailed people w.o knowing :S
    After research I realize its about self control icon_sad.gif

    Your mom is bi-polar = probably doesn't feel in control
    Father is a bigot so, she relies on you? Maybe divorced?

    q-q

    Also after living with bi-polar people or people going through stuff like that best is be distant yet present.. Maybe she will recover or maybe she won't but, she must want to else expect no change just a(n) ever present void.

    My best friends have done that for me and I've for them. We used to call it going into a "DP"

    Also be careful... People like that life too..

    My best friend her parents committed suicide so, it happens... :S Be prepared for the worst hope for the best.

    <3 be well :3
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    Sep 26, 2014 3:22 AM GMT
    rigsby saidI cannot imagine that one of The Big 4 doesn't have an LGBT group. Your sexual orientation should be a non-factor. Contact the group. They will have resources to help you.


    ^THIS!
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    Sep 26, 2014 3:47 AM GMT
    its all about how you can finish your masters.

    as for your family issues work with your brother to solve them dont do it alone.

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    Sep 26, 2014 3:51 AM GMT
    Go to lunch with Dog Daddy.

    Maybe he can be your Sugar Daddy and get you out from under your parents roof.

    There's no shame in being kept for a while. Come on, this is 2014!
  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1134

    Sep 26, 2014 4:02 AM GMT
    Velgan saidHello everyone and thank you for establishing this forum,

    First of all, I will tell you abit about me and my context. I am 21, just came out of college, entered my masters and joined one of the big 4 as an auditor, a dream job in my field at my age. I have always been very successful at everything. I also go to the gym and love training dogs. I am fine with my sexual orientation and have accepted it for years.
    Regarding my family, I am very different from my father and he is a bigot. I have always been very close to my mother. 3 years ago she was diagnosed as being bipolar and we went through very dark periods. She was compulsively put in a mental hospital for 2 months. This was 2 years ago and a year ago she stopped taking meds and counseling which now leads to a severe mental depression, self destructive and suicidal. So things have not been easy... Regarding my bro, he has been like a father to me always, he is 9 years older and a soon to be father himself. I told him 5 months ago I was gay and he was very supportive. For now he is the only one that knows.
    I am masculine and a regular guy so no one knows or guesses my sexuality. Parents are out of the question considering the situation, I have no friends I could trust (without jeopardizing my profession) both in work and in college.
    Recently, I have developed a very strong bond with the captain of my dog training team. He is 40 and a father of two. I have been telling him my problems, the overwhelm workload I face everyday in one of the most demanding jobs there is + masters, sleeping barely anything and at the end of the day facing the problems with my mother. She says she will kill herself daily (and there is a possibility) and continuously blackmails me emotionally to stay with her. Besides I also told him I was tired to live in a lie... And I am. First, because everyone expects the best of me everyday. I am very social, always doing prime work and setting the example. No one thinks I have problems, no one asks how I feel, I end up taking take of everyone at my house and no one takes care of me.
    This Thursday he said he would not go to work to have lunch with me since he wanted to talk about this personally. If my sexuality comes up should I tell him? He is a very wise and reasonable guy as far as I know but I can t handle more problems right now. Pros? Cons? Ideas? I know him for half a year and he is one of the only people I trust. I admire him a lot. What should I do? Any more info just post here and I will answer! Thanks in advance for the answers.


    Hmm, the black guy here seems to know what he's talking about so listen to him.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Sep 26, 2014 4:28 AM GMT
    I am not going to tell you what you should or not do? I have a feeling you already know that! what you want to hear, and I'm sure would help you feel better, and that is validation!

    I can definitely relate to the frustrations and pressures you are dealing with, because there was a time in my life where the people I loved and the things I loved to do were put first then my own myself! and that is not such a bad thing, contrary my dear fellow, consider yourself blessed being there for people and things that needed your support and strength at their time of need! having said that you must also learn to balance time for yourself, and I think you already know that, and in fact by talking about it, you are making progress, that I can assure you! you have a good heart, compassionate, caring, and hard working person.

    You just need those you love and the things you do to acknowledge it! but you know what Velgan!? keep doing the things you've always done, and if the things you do and the people you love don't recognize it; then you are the better person. Life's ultimate duty is to become a better person yourself. Its compensation are your actions, and not what you get for it.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Sep 26, 2014 4:49 AM GMT
    And by way don't feel guilty if you need to hide your sexuality from other people. But by all means neither deprive yourself for wanting to be loved by someone for who you are, even if you have to hide it from those you care about. The moment you start getting use to the reality that someone love you for you, eventually build enough courage to tell those you love, that you found someone who loves you, and not just love someone who need you!
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    Sep 26, 2014 6:04 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidGo to lunch with Dog Daddy.

    Maybe he can be your Sugar Daddy and get you out from under your parents roof.

    There's no shame in being kept for a while. Come on, this is 2014!


    facetious :S
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    Sep 26, 2014 7:57 AM GMT
    Velgan saidThanks for your answer. I have considered that option. I am accepting the situation and yes, I have considered talking to a professional. However, I feel it will not help with my problems. I am a very calm and rational person overall and paying a stranger to care will not make people I care about, care. I do not feel emotional nerves or stress. I feel sad and disappointed... and as if I lack honesty in my life.

    Even Tony Soprano got benefit from seeing a counselor. So would you, whether you want to admit it or not. the answers to life are not found from strangers in other countries on the internet.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Sep 26, 2014 8:14 AM GMT
    I must say the truth as I see it:

    (1). Your "strong bond" with the 40 year old mentor/dog trainer is SEXUAL in nature, consciously or subconsciously. Keep him as a friend, as he seems stable, but keep an arm's length distance. You shouldn't be getting lunch with a married man. That's odd, and makes no sense whatsoever.

    (2). Your mother is medically sick. I do not mean to stigmatize mental illness, but you cannot let her bring you down with her. If she killers herself, she killers herself. You cannot be there 24 hours a day. Support her. Love her. But establish boundaries and do not let her pull you into her drama show. People deep in nana's change purse love a large cast of characters and a large audience. Don't let support turn into enabling.

    (3). Your father is a jerk. Tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they may. You cannot live a lie and a full life. He'll deal with it. He's a grown man and you're his son. He'll either accept you or reject you, but you cannot live in limbo.

    (4). Good job on landing a Big 4 auditor job. Work your ass off. Try to stay with them. Even if you don't stay there permanently (very few people are lifetime), it's experience you cannot get anywhere else in the world and will, literally, open ANY finance job for you. The longer the resume, the better. Do whatever it takes to make it work so long as you don't violate your morals or completely ditch the loved ones around you. And no, you cannot skip work 4 hours in the day to hold your mother's hand and talk about her feelings. A phone call at 9pm is sufficient some days.

    (5). You're in a huge time of flux. It's the same for everyone that age. Please be HONEST with yourself and with others in your life. You can't baby people forever. There's never a perfect time to disclose "bad" news. There'll always be a reason/excuse to continue the lie. Just stop lying before you cause yourself an emotional breakdown.

    Good luck, I really do wish the best for you. Sorry if my advice comes off as harsh, but babying and coddling you is a short term fix that might have dire long term ramifications. Be a man and start asserting yourself.
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    Sep 26, 2014 3:41 PM GMT
    I took a meditation course once and one of the most liberating meditation themes they taught was, "It's not my problem" , so unbelievably simple. Basically everything you mention is simply not your problem but you have taken it upon yourself to make it so like Jesus bearing the sins of the world.

    You are right in your observation that you help everyone but no one helps you but can you see that is again your doing.

    Lastly, no one actually cares about you being gay in any other terms than how it selfishly affects them but since you make their feelings your responsibility you again assign yourself superhuman responsibility.

    Just for one day take a vacation from being god and do something just for you. It's ok to be selfish for one day. ( the one day thing is a trick they taught because no one is able to let it all go because they believe the world will come to an end if they take a day off)
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Sep 26, 2014 5:07 PM GMT
    Vacation

    tumblr_maq1uiTx6u1rgkw4fo1_500.gif
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    Sep 26, 2014 5:07 PM GMT
    My motto , always be honest and upfront !
    You are kind and have a very big heart , you deserve to enjoy life !!
    Best of luck to you mate !
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    Sep 26, 2014 7:33 PM GMT
    So, how did all that "insight" help with Thursday, Velgan?
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    Sep 26, 2014 7:48 PM GMT
    dayumm saidSo, how did all that "insight" help with Thursday, Velgan?


    Yes, curious minds want to know. I get the feeling the 40 yo father of two has more than a passing interest in you - if you catch my drift. I think he senses a vulnerable young gay guy to take advantage of. Taking a WHOLE day off of work?! REALLY?! Just for lunch?

    You have only one life. You can't live anyone else's life nor should you allow anyone else run yours for you, including your job. Take a walk through any cemetery and I defy you to find a tomb with the words: "LOYAL, BELOVED EMPLOYEE OF XYZ CORP."

    If your mother refuses to take her meds and her mental instability gets the best of her and she offs herself, that IS NOT YOUR DOING OR PROBLEM. Your father should be looking after her. Are they divorced? Even if they are she isn't your total responsibility. Have her committed (if you can) and let PROFESSIONALS handle her.

    Where's your brother in all this? Is he letting this familial drama affect his life? If not, take a lesson from him.

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    Sep 26, 2014 11:41 PM GMT
    Just go with the flow, man. Tune in, turn on, drop out.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 27, 2014 1:49 PM GMT
    Well first, congrats for the awesome work you have done with your education and work. Great job, especially considering the issues with your mother and concern about disclosing your sexuality.

    I'm always for operating from a position of strength, some of these problems have the capability to tear you down. If you are comfortable with your older friend and want to talk to him about your sexuality, I say, proceed.

    Best wishes, work through the problems... you sound like a great guy. Good luck with all!