Bitter love triangle split. Advice needed

  • Ftrg30

    Posts: 1

    Sep 27, 2014 12:45 PM GMT
    Hello all!
    I'd like to have your thoughts and advices regarding my very unpleasant situation.icon_confused.gif

    The story should begin some 6 years ago when I've met my (ex) boyfriend. He was 22 at the time, I was 29. I had one serious relationship before him that ran for almost two years and ended up not so well. For him I was basically the first serious partner. This was an instant match - at first things went very well but then he met a guy of his age and dumped me just about a month after we were together. I was devastated and wanted to be back with him. Luckily the other guy dumped him after just a few weeks and we renewed our contact pretty soon. From that moment on we got extremely well together. Despite the age difference we share pretty much the same interests, the same views in life, music tastes, sense of humor and we also have a very similar cultural and ethnical background.

    Our relations grew very strong gradually and we both were in love. Surely we had fights here and there and both made our mistakes but we were a happy couple spending a lot of time together. At some point I got an invitation from another university abroad and had to move. When leaving, I would promise that I'll definitely do everything for him to join me. icon_smile.gif

    Just a few months before he arrived to settle down with me I met this other guy in the university. He was from Latin America, let's call him Rafael, slightly younger than me. We got into talking quite a few times during coffee breaks and then once we've met privately at his place. We ended up in bed. He never showed any real interest in talking to me afterwards. I got really confused at heart. I was interested to know the guy more but I still loved my boyfriend!

    Eventually my boyfriend arrived. I was still confused about the whole situation and decided to tell him the story. He was devastated with the news. Just a few days after he came to see me at the campus and this is where we both saw Rafael. I kind of provoked him to spot us. Now, all of a sudden he was interested in talking and socializing with both of us. He really liked my BF, I could see that but he also was kind of sweet to me and I thought we could be friends. As for my BF, his first reaction was "There's absolutely nothing special about this guy".

    Still somehow we saw each other from time to time and eventually started to hang out together. It ended up with us having peculiar threesome relationships quite soon. For the first few months everything was going on fine. We even decided to rent a huge penthouse and move in together. And we did.

    This was the beginning of the end of a good connection with me and two other people. With time I saw just how different mine and Rafael's worlds are. We would argue about almost every single thing, he would interfere constantly in my talks with my BF, he was entirely focused on his scientific research and our intimate life wasn't satisfying at all. Bottom line: he was far from what I have imagined him to be. I felt depressed.icon_cry.gif

    Fights and rows became a normal thing at home. We would also argue with my BF and he would always support Rafael's position. Every time we would argue he would run to Rafael to seek some comfort. And he gave him. The gap between me and my BF grew bigger. He and Rafael got closer together and eventually I would see my BF giving him more love, affection and appreciation than to me. Gradually I began to feel lonely and unwanted in this house and was talking about a need to solve this somehow. One day the arguments got really far and we all decided to split. But. My BF decided that he stays with Rafael and not with me.

    Obviously, after 1,5 years in this strange threesome contact I see that there's very little that links me to Rafael. We are just too different. I still feel confused about what kind of feelings I ever had towards him but I don't feel sorry for breaking up with him. As for my BF, I feel horrible. All I want is to stay with him, reconcile and take our 6 years relations to a new level. But he doesn't want it. We discussed it a lot.

    He says he still loves me but he is not ready to give it another chance. Still he wants us to "stay friends 'til the end of a life". I must say I dislike the option and hope to have him as a partner. As for him and Rafael, he says he is not sure this would work out between them (I presume 'cause they have a different background and mentality, share not too many common interests and the potential for fights is also quite high as far as I can see).

    I feel terrible about the whole situation. First - for letting the other guy in and not reacting to alarming signs. Second - for losing my BF whom I deeply deeply love. I know that my BF will miss me terribly when he will walk out the door, even though in the past year we grew this gap between us.

    Need your advice guys: should I just let go or should I remain in some kind of contact with my BF when he leaves to start a new life with Rafael? What is the chance that things will go on well between them, considering the differences they have? Do you think there's a chance that my BF will want to get back with me at some point in the future and if so, should I forgive him and get back with him? I really appreciate your thoughts!
  • joechow

    Posts: 1

    Sep 27, 2014 2:19 PM GMT

    My English is not very good so excuse me if anything goes wrong.icon_redface.gif

    As what I can see from your words, your (ex) boyfriend was trying to make this break up more acceptable for you. I know it's hard for you to accept, but the truth is that he was no longer in love with you and his heart was no longer attracted by you.
    You may say that he was curious about Rafael and he would be back to you when he finds the difference between Rafael and him. No it's not.If he walks out the door, there is no more chance for you to forgive and for him to come back. Tell him regret never helps. If he makes up his mind to walk out the door, you won't accept him anymore.
    Hope you can cope well with it. all the best
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 27, 2014 6:37 PM GMT
    Ja sure, you made some mistakes there.

    But what's done is done. Move on with your life. If BF breaks up with Rafael at some future time, and if you are still available then (hopefully you will have found someone else by then), and if he still wants to get back together with you, then reconsider.

    Don't try to be "friends" with your ex - at last not for the present. You can't be real friends. Maybe at some time in the future, but not now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 28, 2014 1:58 AM GMT
    Get back with both of them. Keep us updated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 28, 2014 10:39 AM GMT
    Leave them be. You're boyfriend left you once, came back, and is leaving again. He seems like he doesn't know what he wants.

    If he didn't see that you were the one the first time,then he won't see it again. Don't give him sympathy if he breaks up and runs back to you. Just leave him. Find someone that will actually love and respect you.
  • flahotstuff

    Posts: 154

    Sep 29, 2014 7:16 PM GMT
    I say move on you are so young and you may not have met mr. right yet!!
  • TadPohl

    Posts: 259

    Sep 30, 2014 1:47 AM GMT
    Perhaps it's time to seek the advice from a relationship therapist. From your story, I am getting the sense that you might be unclear in what you want versus what lies in the realm of possibility. Does the heartache end here? Or will the same choices be repeated with different men until you fall into a darker place?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2014 2:38 AM GMT
    Advice :
    Next time don't cheat on your boyfriend , and threesomes are never good for LTR
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 30, 2014 3:20 AM GMT
    What are the odds you find just one person you can spend the rest of your life with?
    --Don't I wish...sadly, he doesn't and what if he did...

    Sounds like you were/are living the dream, might be time to wake up if you can't communicate your frustration with your guys.