I tried to kill myself recently... I don't even share the truth with my friends and all they know is my kidneys failed.

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    Sep 28, 2014 1:24 AM GMT
    As some of you know I was found on the floor of my apartment recently by the police because my Case Worker came by and I wouldn't answer the door. So the police tracked down my manager and gave them the keys to get in. I was on the floor and all my organs were shutting down do to kidney failure.

    I didn't see it coming. For six months I pretty much stopped eating and drinking water gradually. My Psychiatrist saw it and my Case Worker saw it but I didn't see it.

    THE TRUTH. I just didn't care to live anymore. I really didn't. I had lost all interest in living life as my best friend is dying of cancer and my Case Worker of eight years at AIDS Services Foundation left the organization. All I did was escape into television for all those months. I remember getting up and walking to the bathroom and all of a sudden I was extremely weak and had to lay down on the ground. I thought I was going to sleep but that wasn't what was happening.

    I didn't want to live anymore. I really didn't. Yet I didn't have the sense to even know what I was doing enough to think about swallowing a bottle of pills or doing something more quick and to the point. It was EXTREMELY a psychological process. One I am still fighting with.

    See, I don't GET IT!!!! I don't see myself wanting to live to old age... I really don't. My parents want me to but honestly I don't. I am tired of experiencing other peoples death... I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I can't imagine living alone at age 65. I am SO protected in my life and so grateful for my security I have. But honestly, I get really scared to see my friend die of cancer and my parents dying. I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT!!! I really CANNOT accept this.

    Anyway, I know a lot of you don't like me here but I thought maybe if I could just get this off my mind it will help even if you don't read it. I will reread it myself just to see where the FUCK I am coming from because I don't even know right now.
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    Sep 28, 2014 1:33 AM GMT
    Maybe I should start opening up to my Psychiatrist about this. I have had her for five years. But this one is a VERY sensitive subject. I don't want to end up in an asylum for talking about it.
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    Sep 28, 2014 1:34 AM GMT
    Jerred saidMaybe I should start opening up to my Psychiatrist about this.


    /thread. You acknowledged you need help, so please go pursue it.
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    Sep 28, 2014 1:42 AM GMT
    JumpMan_Josh said
    Jerred saidMaybe I should start opening up to my Psychiatrist about this.


    /thread. You acknowledged you need help, so please go pursue it.


    You don't get my sympathy til you try to get help. You can write a million posts on here about how sad you feel but it's not going to help you.
    You are demanding attention that other people who are actually trying deserve more than you do.

    I like giving encouragement to someone who will use it. You aren't willing to listen. You want to feel pity for yourself.
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    Sep 28, 2014 1:47 AM GMT
    GloriousCockster said
    JumpMan_Josh said
    Jerred saidMaybe I should start opening up to my Psychiatrist about this.


    /thread. You acknowledged you need help, so please go pursue it.


    You don't get my sympathy til you try to get help. You can write a million posts on here about how sad you feel but it's not going to help you.
    You are demanding attention that other people who are actually trying deserve more than you do.

    I like giving encouragement to someone who will use it. You aren't willing to listen. You want to feel pity for yourself.


    PITY??? LOL I am looking to bring up a subject that expresses the Truth about suicide and my UNIQUE experience with it so others will not only know or relate... But express themselves. Your post teaches me ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING!!!! As though I haven't tried? If you knew the story of my life it would make you drop to the ground. I am eating as best I can right now and drinking water as best I can right now so shove your BULLSHIT "others are trying" far up your ass as the biggest fucking cock you ever took. Get off my thread you fucking piece of shit. And as for whatever "advice" you are withholding... KEEP IT TO YOURSELF for the world's benefit because you are not qualified on this subject to give out ANY advice.
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    Sep 28, 2014 1:59 AM GMT
    Just for the record if any of you OTHERS think this is a pity party, keep it to yourself and don't post. This has far to do with PITY. It is a REAL problem I am struggling hard with because I don't understand how the mind works in this area. I was COMPLETELY unaware of what I was doing. But these last few months since being out of the hospital I cannot deny what was really happening. I tried my fucking best damnit, I am STILL trying. I am just trying to hang on. I WOULD sympathize with anyone that went through what I have just been through because SUICIDE is NOT just immediate gratification. Sometimes you subconscience takes over and you cannot control it.
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    Sep 28, 2014 1:59 AM GMT
    Writing things out often helped me clear my own thoughts, Jerred.

    There's no way I could possibly understand what you're going through or where you're at in your life - but I do feel as if you've existed this long for a reason. A part of you may not have wanted to live - but another part of you clearly does. Hang on to that part, man.

    Also, opening up to your Psychiatrist sounds like a brilliant idea.

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    Sep 28, 2014 2:00 AM GMT
    No human has ever gone 6 months without drinking food or water so I don't know why you're trying convince us you have. And even if you have been going without food and water, how can you have the presence of mind to log onto RealJock every day and rant and rave, but not eat a damn sandwich? All of your photos feature people that are either dead or dying with depressing comments under each one. You seem obsessed with death and disease, yet turn a blind eye to life and all the beauty in the world. In short, I think you're a drama queen and are miserable unless you have the people around you worried and upset. Our lives become what we focus our thoughts on and you focus on death and negativity, so guess what that produces?
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:05 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidNo human has ever gone 6 months without drinking food or water so I don't know why you're trying convince us you have. And even if you have been going without food and water, how can you have the presence of mind to log onto RealJock every day and rant and rave, but not eat a damn sandwich? All of your photos feature people that are either dead or dying with depressing comments under each one. You seem obsessed with death and disease, yet turn a blind eye to life and all the beauty in the world. In short, I think you're a drama queen and are miserable unless you have the people around you worried and upset.


    It DECLINED... No I did not stop over an entire six months... It SEVERELY declined over six months. And I am NOT happy unless I have everyone around me worried and upset? READ MY FUCKING THREAD!!! I did everything and am still doing everything to hide this thing. And for you to tell me to eat a damn sandwich as though I really have a choice tells me you are an ignorant PRICK. GET THE FUCK OFF THIS THREAD ALSO!!! DON'T COME BACK!! Pieces of shit like you don't belong here. I talk about REAL issues not your fucking stereotype crap. This WAS NOT A NORMAL SUICIDE... It was a very subtle and disturbing one though.
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:08 AM GMT
    Jerred said
    Scruffypup saidNo human has ever gone 6 months without drinking food or water so I don't know why you're trying convince us you have. And even if you have been going without food and water, how can you have the presence of mind to log onto RealJock every day and rant and rave, but not eat a damn sandwich? All of your photos feature people that are either dead or dying with depressing comments under each one. You seem obsessed with death and disease, yet turn a blind eye to life and all the beauty in the world. In short, I think you're a drama queen and are miserable unless you have the people around you worried and upset.


    It DECLINED... No I did not stop over an entire six months... It SEVERELY declined over six months. And I am NOT happy unless I have everyone around me worried and upset? READ MY FUCKING THREAD!!! I did everything and am still doing everything to hide this thing. And for you to tell me to eat a damn sandwich as though I really have a choice tells me you are an ignorant PRICK. GET THE FUCK OFF THIS THREAD ALSO!!! DON'T COME BACK!! Pieces of shit like you don't belong here. I talk about REAL issues not your fucking stereotype crap. This WAS NOT A NORMAL SUICIDE... It was a very subtle and disturbing one though.


    Why are you not in a hospital then???
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:11 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    Jerred said
    Scruffypup saidNo human has ever gone 6 months without drinking food or water so I don't know why you're trying convince us you have. And even if you have been going without food and water, how can you have the presence of mind to log onto RealJock every day and rant and rave, but not eat a damn sandwich? All of your photos feature people that are either dead or dying with depressing comments under each one. You seem obsessed with death and disease, yet turn a blind eye to life and all the beauty in the world. In short, I think you're a drama queen and are miserable unless you have the people around you worried and upset.


    It DECLINED... No I did not stop over an entire six months... It SEVERELY declined over six months. And I am NOT happy unless I have everyone around me worried and upset? READ MY FUCKING THREAD!!! I did everything and am still doing everything to hide this thing. And for you to tell me to eat a damn sandwich as though I really have a choice tells me you are an ignorant PRICK. GET THE FUCK OFF THIS THREAD ALSO!!! DON'T COME BACK!! Pieces of shit like you don't belong here. I talk about REAL issues not your fucking stereotype crap. This WAS NOT A NORMAL SUICIDE... It was a very subtle and disturbing one though.


    Why are you not in a hospital then???


    BECAUSE THEY FUCKING BROUGHT MY KIDNEYS BACK IN THE HOSPITAL. Stop being such a fucking skeptical prick because I am sharing something EXTREMELY personal to me. And I am not in a psych ward because I am approaching this very carefully with my Case Worker and Psychiatrist. I don't want them to think I want to die right now. I don't know what the fuck I want right now. But it seems some area of my subconscience actually controls my ability to survive right now. It's not my fault... IT IS NOT A CONSCIOUS DESICION and in fact I don't even know what the fuck it will do in terms of surviving the future after what I just went through. I didn't INTENTIONALLY want to die but YES subconsciously I do see it now that I did want to die or rather didn't care about living anymore.
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:17 AM GMT
    Jerred said
    Scruffypup said
    Jerred said
    Scruffypup saidNo human has ever gone 6 months without drinking food or water so I don't know why you're trying convince us you have. And even if you have been going without food and water, how can you have the presence of mind to log onto RealJock every day and rant and rave, but not eat a damn sandwich? All of your photos feature people that are either dead or dying with depressing comments under each one. You seem obsessed with death and disease, yet turn a blind eye to life and all the beauty in the world. In short, I think you're a drama queen and are miserable unless you have the people around you worried and upset.


    It DECLINED... No I did not stop over an entire six months... It SEVERELY declined over six months. And I am NOT happy unless I have everyone around me worried and upset? READ MY FUCKING THREAD!!! I did everything and am still doing everything to hide this thing. And for you to tell me to eat a damn sandwich as though I really have a choice tells me you are an ignorant PRICK. GET THE FUCK OFF THIS THREAD ALSO!!! DON'T COME BACK!! Pieces of shit like you don't belong here. I talk about REAL issues not your fucking stereotype crap. This WAS NOT A NORMAL SUICIDE... It was a very subtle and disturbing one though.


    Why are you not in a hospital then???


    BECAUSE THEY FUCKING BROUGHT MY KIDNEYS BACK IN THE HOSPITAL. Stop being such a fucking skeptical prick because I am sharing something EXTREMELY personal to me. And I am not in a psych ward because I am approaching this very carefully with my Case Worker and Psychiatrist. I don't want them to think I want to die right now. I don't know what the fuck I want right now. But it seems some area of my subconscience actually controls my ability to survive right now. It's not my fault... IT IS NOT A CONSCIOUS DESICION and in fact I don't even know what the fuck it will do in terms of surviving the future after what I just went through. I didn't INTENTIONALLY want to die but YES subconsciously I do see it now that I did want to die or rather didn't care about living anymore.


    I'm not being a dick. Your story just doesn't make sense, but then they never do. How are you found unconscious on the floor from malnutrition and people don't know you were not eating and drinking at the hospital? You already said your case worker and psychiatrist "saw it coming" so it's too late to keep it from them. And why can you tell us but you can't tell your mental health workers? If you want help, you're not telling the right people.
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:17 AM GMT
    What is really pathetic is that if a man wants to commit suicide because he is gay you all fucking treat it like the most dangerous suicide in the world. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO SOMETHING OTHER THAN your stupid fight for gay rights you have no empathy for it. I read on posts how LITTLE you do for anything outside the gay community. You give a few bucks to a homeless man and think you are GOD. I support The Beckstrand Cancer Foundation, AIDS Services Foundation, and a myriad of homeless resources. I even volunteer for a church when I am not even Christian. I GIVE... YOU PEOPLE TAKE TAKE TAKE.
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:20 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    Jerred said
    Scruffypup said
    Jerred said
    Scruffypup saidNo human has ever gone 6 months without drinking food or water so I don't know why you're trying convince us you have. And even if you have been going without food and water, how can you have the presence of mind to log onto RealJock every day and rant and rave, but not eat a damn sandwich? All of your photos feature people that are either dead or dying with depressing comments under each one. You seem obsessed with death and disease, yet turn a blind eye to life and all the beauty in the world. In short, I think you're a drama queen and are miserable unless you have the people around you worried and upset.


    It DECLINED... No I did not stop over an entire six months... It SEVERELY declined over six months. And I am NOT happy unless I have everyone around me worried and upset? READ MY FUCKING THREAD!!! I did everything and am still doing everything to hide this thing. And for you to tell me to eat a damn sandwich as though I really have a choice tells me you are an ignorant PRICK. GET THE FUCK OFF THIS THREAD ALSO!!! DON'T COME BACK!! Pieces of shit like you don't belong here. I talk about REAL issues not your fucking stereotype crap. This WAS NOT A NORMAL SUICIDE... It was a very subtle and disturbing one though.


    Why are you not in a hospital then???


    BECAUSE THEY FUCKING BROUGHT MY KIDNEYS BACK IN THE HOSPITAL. Stop being such a fucking skeptical prick because I am sharing something EXTREMELY personal to me. And I am not in a psych ward because I am approaching this very carefully with my Case Worker and Psychiatrist. I don't want them to think I want to die right now. I don't know what the fuck I want right now. But it seems some area of my subconscience actually controls my ability to survive right now. It's not my fault... IT IS NOT A CONSCIOUS DESICION and in fact I don't even know what the fuck it will do in terms of surviving the future after what I just went through. I didn't INTENTIONALLY want to die but YES subconsciously I do see it now that I did want to die or rather didn't care about living anymore.


    I'm not being a dick. Your story just doesn't make sense, but then they never do. How are you found unconscious on the floor from malnutrition and people don't know you were not eating and drinking at the hospital? You already said your case worker and psychiatrist "saw it coming" so it's too late to keep it from them. And why can you tell us but you can't tell your mental health workers? If you want help, you're not telling the right people.


    When I got out of the hospital my Case Worker wanted to put me in another hospital. I could barely walk out of the hospital but I told them I had to get home to pay my bills. I don't make sense because you don't see anything other than what you WANT to see. GO AWAY.
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:26 AM GMT
    PLEASE ALL OF YOU LEAVE YOUR SKEPTICISM OUT OF THIS... I am telling you the entire TRUTH!!! It's amazing when I post shit on cancer and shit you guys say nothing because because you are TOO wrapped up in some purpose that only serves one community while other communities are the ones that even keep you alive. Talk about ungrateful and selfish selfcentered bastards.
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:41 AM GMT
    Face it... Many of you have no real feelings for anybody other than your stupid selves through your COMPLETE racisms, lack of support on world issues that don't involve the gay community alone, and people dying of something other than Gay brutality. Well it's a fucking HUGE world out there and I have seen here even how much you prejudice muslims when they are NOT the root of terrorism. You people are so off track and who gives a fuck Obama did not support whatever little gay rightful greed you had. He had bigger battles to face. But face it, you in your mind now hate him because he is black in the deepest part of your minds. YOU ARE SO PREDICTABLE around here. I don't even know how the fuck you manage. Some fucking doctor came on here and said "who are you going to believe, a schizoaffective person or me". I mean WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MORALS DO YOU HAVE??? Or do you even have any? This is the reason I left the community a decade ago.
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:49 AM GMT
    And for any of you that give a fuck which I don't even know why I am wasting my time...

    I finally graduated from eggs to salmon and spinach. I am doing my best but MAN if I ever needed a support group to fall back on it certainly wouldn't be here.
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:50 AM GMT
    Jerred.. it's ultimately your choice on who you want to pay attention to. There may have been a flood of negative messages - but there were a few positive in there as well.

    Hit that ignore button on those you don't want to listen to, man. Stay positive, and don't let anyone bring you down.
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:53 AM GMT
    jp_K saidJerred.. it's ultimately your choice on who you want to pay attention to. There may have been a flood of negative messages - but there were a few positive in there as well.

    Hit that ignore button on those you don't want to listen to, man. Stay positive, and don't let anyone bring you down.


    Thank you brother. I know, you are right. And I do hold the positive messages here in my heart. I just don't know how to respond to that last positive message yet. I am let it travel inside right now first but his response was fucking beautiful.
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:54 AM GMT
    Oh shit jp... THAT RESPONSE WAS FROM YOU!!! Love you brother and thank you. Let me ponder it. I am trying to learn how to let love in.
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    Sep 28, 2014 2:59 AM GMT
    Sruffypup and Glorious Cocks is now on ignore. Wow, the thread looks so much more beautiful now.icon_rolleyes.gif

    Let them post all the shit dirty trash they want to. Anyone up next on my ignore list. LOL
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    Sep 28, 2014 3:20 AM GMT
    Atta' boy, it's a beautiful world. Smile, Jerred!
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    Sep 28, 2014 3:23 AM GMT
    jp_K saidAtta' boy, it's a beautiful world. Smile, Jerred!


    You are like a beam of sunlight through the breaking clouds. Thank you. God bless.
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    Sep 28, 2014 3:43 AM GMT
    jp_K saidWriting things out often helped me clear my own thoughts, Jerred.

    There's no way I could possibly understand what you're going through or where you're at in your life - but I do feel as if you've existed this long for a reason. A part of you may not have wanted to live - but another part of you clearly does. Hang on to that part, man.

    Also, opening up to your Psychiatrist sounds like a brilliant idea.



    That is what my dear friend dying of cancer says to me too in terms of I am here for a reason. I just don't know what the hell it could be. I mean I have had great successes in life and I have survived dying of AIDS several times, advanced stage cancer once, homelessness for many years and beaten by people, drug addiction and alcoholism, I am now trying to survive kidney disease. Seeing my friend die is not something I want to deal with. I don't know why the fuck I am here, I really don't.
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    Sep 28, 2014 4:14 AM GMT
    Something we often forget is that we're constantly impacting and changing other peoples lives just by existing. By being you.

    You may not be aware of it, but you've changed thousands of lives in some capacity or form, just by being alive. Don't take that lightly man, the world is where it is because we all contribute to it - and you are a part of that.

    Check out this poem by Walt Whitman when you get a chance, it's absolute money. He talks about how life works in the modern age and questions why we're all here. "To contribute a verse" is where he landed.

    --> http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/182088