Wrong to vet dates by your friends?

  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Sep 30, 2014 1:42 AM GMT
    So I started texting more with this one guy I met on Jack'd, and mentioned him to my more experienced gay friends to check for red flags. To my surprise, some were offended by the very idea of vetting someone. Basically I argued sure, everyone’s got a past, but I just don’t wanna waste time getting to know a notorious village bicycle, but it offended them even more, calling me "judgey" and other things. This was a couple in a long term relationship, hence I was especially surprised by their reaction. To me it doesn't make sense not to be prudent?
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    Sep 30, 2014 7:18 AM GMT
    I understand you. I'm too shy to approach people, but if someone was interested in me, I would immediately investigate; I don't want to be catfished or tricked like my older brother.
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    Sep 30, 2014 12:39 PM GMT
    christastic saidSo I started texting more with this one guy I met on Jack'd, and mentioned him to my more experienced gay friends to check for red flags. To my surprise, some were offended by the very idea of vetting someone. Basically I argued sure, everyone’s got a past, but I just don’t wanna waste time getting to know a notorious village bicycle, but it offended them even more, calling me "judgey" and other things. This was a couple in a long term relationship, hence I was especially surprised by their reaction. To me it doesn't make sense not to be prudent?


    I agree with you.
    All too often people waste time on idiots and time is not like money in the sense that you can earn it back. Time wasted is time gone forever.
    Checking for red flags is not judgey, it's called being smart with your decisions and being realistic.
    If someone had a particular past of consistent flaking for example, I wouldn't even bat an eye for the person. Why? Because I can find something else to invest my time into that has more of a guarantee to reap something worthwhile.
    Sometimes there will be opportunities left, right and centre, but not all of them are worthwhile.
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    Sep 30, 2014 1:21 PM GMT
    You must have them queuing round the block if you think that prospective dates should have to pass spurious tests like that. The gay community in a lot of places can be quite small, and you never know when someone you really like is asking his friend to vet you...and his friend is someone you treated like crap a year earlier.
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    Sep 30, 2014 1:40 PM GMT
    christastic said
    To me it doesn't make sense not to be prudent?

    Much of this depends on your friends. Will they be objective, or do they have an agenda of their own, in how they advise you? Are they providing you with good information, or just a rehash of what they've heard on the gay rumor mill? Which is about as reliable as Fox News.

    Also, maybe in this case they don't wanna get involved, to say yay or nay, lest you later hold them accountable if it shouldn't turn out well with this guy. Some friends just don't wanna get entangled in that sort of thing.

    In my case, when I started dating my husband his friends "circled the wagons" around him like I was shooting arrows at him, and not the Cupid kind. He'd been exploited and hurt before by strangers he'd met, just like he had met me.

    My responses? First, I tried to win THEM over as much as him, and also my future "in-laws". You can either have allies or enemies, and when you take a guy you get the whole package, his family & friends as well.

    Second, I told my future husband I knew exactly what his friends were doing. And that I didn't resent it, rather I viewed it as a mark of how much his friends loved and protected him, which increased his own worth in my eyes. It became a challenge for me to win them all over.

    Afterwards his friends & family became my biggest boosters, still are. So consider that aspect with this new guy, especially once you meet him, maybe start dating him. Often friends will let you know what they think of him, directly or indirectly. And the way that guy handles your friends, in accepted by them or not, can be important considerations for you.
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    Sep 30, 2014 2:36 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    christastic said
    To me it doesn't make sense not to be prudent?

    Much of this depends on your friends. Will they be objective, or do they have an agenda of their own, in how they advise you? Are they providing you with good information, or just a rehash of what they've heard on the gay rumor mill? Which is about as reliable as Fox News.

    Also, maybe in this case they don't wanna get involved, to say yay or nay, lest you later hold them accountable if it shouldn't turn out well with this guy. Some friends just don't wanna get entangled in that sort of thing.

    In my case, when I started dating my husband his friends "circled the wagons" around him like I was shooting arrows at him, and not the Cupid kind. He'd been exploited and hurt before by strangers he'd met, just like he had met me.

    My responses? First, I tried to win THEM over as much as him, and also my future "in-laws". You can either have allies or enemies, and when you take a guy you get the whole package, his family & friends as well.

    Second, I told my future husband I knew exactly what his friends were doing. And that I didn't resent it, rather I viewed it as a mark of how much his friends loved and protected him, which increased his own worth in my eyes. It became a challenge for me to win them all over.

    Afterwards his friends & family became my biggest boosters, still are. So consider that aspect with this new guy, especially once you meet him, maybe start dating him. Often friends will let you know what they think of him, directly or indirectly. And the way that guy handles your friends, in accepted by them or not, can be important considerations for you.


    But don't you think that lots of good guys would have instead thought "this isn't worth the bother" and moved on to the next guy to show an interest?
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    Sep 30, 2014 4:04 PM GMT
    christastic said...I just don’t wanna waste time getting to know a notorious village bicycle...


    Yes, you are a "judgey" little Puritan.
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    Sep 30, 2014 9:00 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    christastic said...I just don’t wanna waste time getting to know a notorious village bicycle...


    Yes, you are a "judgey" little Puritan.


    Nope I wouldn't say so.
    Then again noticing some of your posts, sex is just sex for you whereas for a lot of other people it still is somewhat sacred to them.
    There are a lot of people who are turned off if they know somebody has had such a high number of people they've slept with.
    More often than not it signifies that the person isn't looking for something serious and is just looking for their next boink.
    Most people who are looking for something more don't want to be just another number to someone else.
    If numbers are a red flag, then it's a red flag.
    To each their own.
  • craycraydoesd...

    Posts: 596

    Oct 01, 2014 12:28 AM GMT
    ^^Sluts like undercoverman like to pressure everyone else to be just like them.

    On another note, I've been noticing that it's always the older members here who seem to have given up on relationships and always advocate the hookup route...
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    Oct 01, 2014 1:06 AM GMT
    I think it's wrong to have your friends try to base an opinion on YOUR conversations with him on Jack'd.

    You hardly know him... They DON'T know him... So what is there to vet?

    Meet him if you are interested. Get to know him, the REAL him and not his texts. Worst case, you get good and catfished. Best case, you find your one and only, with countless opportunities for a friendship between those two extremes.

    Eventually, if he meets your friends and you all hang out a few times... THEN ask for their opinions.

    There's my $0.02
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Oct 01, 2014 2:32 AM GMT
    Haha I don't need my friends to second-guess my own conversations with the guy, but very often my friends (having been in the scene much longer) actually know more about the guy than I do, as has been the case with a number of previous guys lol.
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    Oct 01, 2014 2:37 AM GMT
    I'm surprised how many people are opposed to asking friends for their opinions. At least if they are good and honest friends it's always good to be offered a different perspective that may allow you to see something that otherwise might have alluded your attention.
    You're not asking them to make the decision for you but insight is always helpful. Maybe it's just me but if I knew a person had quite a bad reputation i'd definitely let my friends know because I respect them and love them too much to let them be played by a shit head.
    People are way too "every man for himself" these days; what's the point of friends if looking out for each other is frowned upon.
    So sad.
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    Oct 01, 2014 6:47 PM GMT
    crazycrazydoesdoes said^^Sluts like undercoverman like to pressure everyone else to be just like them.

    On another note, I've been noticing that it's always the older members here who seem to have given up on relationships and always advocate the hookup route...


    I'm not pressuring anyone to do anything. I couldn't give two shits what the OP or anyone else does. However, a high number (relative term) of sexual partners does not necessarily make someone a "notorious village bicycle" or slut. So yes, I think the OP is a "judgey" little Puritan.

    And craycraydoodoo you know nothing about me. I have probably had longer relationships than any you ever had. One lasting half my life and yes since that one ended I've been enjoying a certain amount of sexual freedom long over due. And I make no apologies for it.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Oct 02, 2014 12:07 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    crazycrazydoesdoes said^^Sluts like undercoverman like to pressure everyone else to be just like them.

    On another note, I've been noticing that it's always the older members here who seem to have given up on relationships and always advocate the hookup route...


    I'm not pressuring anyone to do anything. I couldn't give two shits what the OP or anyone else does. However, a high number (relative term) of sexual partners does not necessarily make someone a "notorious village bicycle" or slut. So yes, I think the OP is a "judgey" little Puritan.

    And craycraydoodoo you know nothing about me. I have probably had longer relationships than any you ever had. One lasting half my life and yes since that one ended I've been enjoying a certain amount of sexual freedom long over due. And I make no apologies for it.


    How do you define a slut then, if not someone who has sex with a ton of people. Perhaps you are arguing that being a slut isn't a bad thing.

    I agree with craycray, seems like an older gay thing. Broken hearts and cynicism turn people into sex fiends.
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    Oct 02, 2014 2:55 PM GMT
    put your self out to an extended family but just dont be shocked if things dont come around full circle to kick you in the ass