I'm confused about our relationship...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2014 12:28 AM GMT
    I met him ( Let's call him K) in March this year. He is African American and I'm Asian. He is 32 and I'm 30.

    It was a business trip that brought me to Chicago. It was still snowing outside and very cold. I was sitting in my hotel room at night feeling bored, so I opened a gay dating app and saw a message from K. We started to chat a bit here and there and the on the 3rd day we decided to meet for a quick dinner. Nothing special. Neither of us actually were looking for hookups. We enjoyed the conversation and both wanted to meet the guy on the other wide of the screen.

    He appeared at my hotel entrance at 7:30pm. I have to admit I never dated or had sex with a black guy before, so in a funny way I was a bit apprehensive. He greeted me warmly and shakes my hand---it was a very firm handshake. I smiled.

    When we sat down at the table the conversation just naturally flew. We both were very attracted to each other and we talked about a lot of things. After dinner, we walked me back to the hotel and I welcomed him into my room.

    Nope, we didn't have sex. We sat there kept talking maybe because both of us were a bit shy and nervous. At the end he said he probably needed to leave, and he tried to kiss me good night on the lips. I was so nervous that somehow I dodged. I had no idea why I did that but he was a bit surprised and just said good night then walked out.

    I closed the door and felt awful. 2 mins later K sent me a text, " I'm sorry that I embarrassed you. I hope I didn't offend you." I was so happy to see his message and I replied that I was also sorry that I was so nervous that I didn't know how to react. And I asked him if he wants to come over again tomorrow. He said YES with a smily face. And without me telling ya, u know the next day he came over and we went to bed together...

    My Chicago trip was very fast and I had to leave. Somehow I didn't want this just to be a random hookup. My work doesn't require me to travel to Chicago that often so since then we have been texting and chating on Skype. I told him how I feel about him and he told me he felt the same. I didn't have lots of leaves left but I managed to get a whole week off in late Sep, which was 6 months after we met. He was happy, he told me to stay with him the whole week and he wanted to get to know me more.

    I flew to Chicago without hesitation. I really enjoyed my time with him...He even introduced me to his mother, but of course just as a friend( he is not out). At beginning I thought it was a big deal but his mother told me he always brings friends home so she has met quite a few his friends. Still I feel glad that at least he is letting me into his family. Another thing that touched my heart was that one night his dog climbed onto the bed and slept in between us. The bed is small and I was basically sleeping on the edge and very uncomfortable. He was deep in sleep and the dog was also asleep. I didn't want to wake them up so I got up in the middle of the night and moved to the living room cough and crashed in there. The next morning when he found out he came to me and said, "next time when she( the dog) does that, wake me up, you stay and she leaves. My time with you is limited and I want you to be next to me." I nodded and I was so touched by his words.

    However, sometimes I get extremely confused by things he does, which makes me feel a bit hurt and sad. I am a very touchy person, I don't need to express my affection in public but I need it in private. Sometime I try to hold his hand when we are in a car and he is driving. He doesn't resist but he doesn't react much either. If he needs to change music or whatever he would let my hand go but wouldn't come back to me later. We r at home watching TV but he would sit on his own chair and I am sitting on the couch. He wouldn't come over to sit with me to hug me or snuggle. He is just not very touchy and warm with his physical expressions. I'm a Cancer man and I have my Venus sign in Cancer too. I have to say it's very important to me. At the end I told him how I felt and he told me it is just who he is. His way of expressing love is not about holding hands etc. It's more about what he does for the other person when they r in need or in trouble.

    So here I am getting all the mixed signals from him. I understand everyone is different but do you think this relationship is positive? is this going to develop into something more solid and deeper?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2014 12:48 AM GMT
    My reply is probably not of much help, but you will know more about him the more you are with him.

    I don't know if I can answer because I've never dated. I understand that you were moved by his words the first time the both of you met, which is why I'm not really into first impressions, but the longer you stay with him, the more you can see more of his "true" self and qualities, maybe even ones you didn't know existed.

    Him having other "friends" at the house seemed....questionable. I wouldn't bring it up with him........until you really feel comfortable about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2014 1:12 AM GMT
    Be careful not to be too needy. It doesn't sound like anything is wrong other than you feeling insecure which you will have to address with yourself not him. Relax and enjoy.
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    Oct 04, 2014 7:37 AM GMT
    He sounds like a nice guy and it sounds like you've been having a warm, fun time ... not sure why you're making a fuss over such small things. Are you trying to develop a rationale to break it off?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2014 8:47 AM GMT
    sf_swimmer saidnot sure why you're making a fuss over such small things.


    I agree. OP, you're trying too hard. It's not like you two are official. You might have expressed similar feelings, but all this talk about not holding hands etc. are very petty. You are 30, act like one.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Oct 04, 2014 9:00 AM GMT
    I agree. You sound like you're looking for an excuse to call it off. Might just be nerves, or it might just be that although you like him a lot, you just don't find yourself falling for him. Happens. No one's fault. But you'd better figure it out fast because the distance means you will sink or swim quickly.
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    Oct 06, 2014 4:01 AM GMT
    Oh dear lord, there is so much in your post thread here that I want to respond to but I won't and can't because I've promised myself not to the do work on here, just fun and leisure interaction. So, I'm going to sum this up in brief, direct bullets points: 1)you initially had racial issues when you met this man because that's often the case with Asian cultures (but in fairness to Asian cultures, Asians are normally prejudiced towards any different culture unlike Hispanics or Europeans who have a natural predisposition to be prejudiced towards only black skinned humans), 2)both you and this guy think highly of both of your cultures although neither of you would say that to each other but that's why you liked him and that's why he was drawn to you, 3) both of you like experiencing difference in life and that's because you are both Alpha males (alpha males in all species are drawn to each other--hence you were on a business trip which means professional, alpha male), 4)you two eventually had sex with each other and apparently you both enjoyed it because you are texting after the encounter, and 5) your challenge is that you live in one place and he lives in another which is a significant thing to consider as you move ahead in your interaction with this guy because unless I'm very wrong based on the truth of what you have said here, you can not just let this man go or drift from your reality. My opinion, you just found a potential soul mate and he feels the same about you. Black guys are the one group in America who truly can love someone, without reservation, who is different from them. Most groups are too insecure to do so.

    Bottom line: pursue this guy because your intuition is telling you that you have found someone who will truly love you and that's what all gay guys are searching for. Just my humble opinion. Damn it! I wrote more than I intended. lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2014 4:48 AM GMT
    hmm it sounds to me that u want more romance-y stuff and this guy isnt realli the romantic type.. Its like ur trying to fulfill this need for affection from him ... but he expresses affection in a totally different way. I think he just likes his space (like sitting away from u) :s soo u guys might not be right for each other.. because ur looking for something that he doesnt realli do.
  • mmmship

    Posts: 152

    Oct 06, 2014 4:28 PM GMT
    I don't see what's wrong... Aren't u suppose to test the water when u just begin seeing some body? What does him being black and u being asian has anything to do with it? My exes are of all various race. Plus, you being "Asian" doesn't say a single thing about you. Are u from Russia? Japan? Philippines? China? Mongolia? Cambodia? Thailand? Inner Indonesia? Bangladesh? India? Euro-Asian? The list goes on and on... (I'm Chinese, not Asian.) and if you really like him, he can be stripes and polka dots, or interchangeable colors.

    If you like him and he likes you, work with it! Confused? If u are looking for drama, I STRONGLY recommend u put that aside. It seems like this "black" guy you are seeing doesn't appreciate much drama.