Dear Lonely Fat Ugly Girls With No Self-Esteem...I've got somethin' to get off my chest

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 6:38 AM GMT
    Dear L.F.U.G.W.N.S.E, otherwise known as Fag Hag:

    As much as we appreciate your constantly-professed love for us, there comes a point when it's quite enough. When you collect gay guys like cute sorority girls collect genital herpes, it's enough. When you take us into Victoria's Secret to help you find the perfect bra, it's enough. When you look more of a tranny hot mess at the gay bars than the drag queens do, it's enough. When we are too busy babysitting your insecure ass at the bar and miss a shot to score with some hottie, it's enough. When you try to set us up with one of your hag fags (like a fag hag, only he's the sad pathetic one seeking approval and acceptance from you because he won't get it from other guys) because we're both gay and surely we should get along famously, it's enough. And when you decide that you and one of us are a perfect couple and should just settle down and play house in your own version of Will & Grace, it's way, way, fucking way past enough.

    Just because your favorite fag can't legally marry his boyfriend, that doesn't mean he wants to marry you, even if, in your mind, it's all about getting your hands on his employment benefits (which, even though a victimless crime, is still a crime). And even if he is, by some strange stroke of fucktardedness, okay with that arrangement, I can pretty much guarantee his boyfriend isn't. Your excuse of "oh, but he's gay, so it's not like he's really marrying me" isn't gonna make him go "oh, of course! Okay then!" There's even the possibility that the beloved boyfriend never quite shared your fag's fascination with you and was apathetic at best, and now might even be about ready to bash your fat, ugly face in with a two-by-four, in fact. Just FYI.

    Remember that old saying that two's company, but three is a crowd? Well, I hate to break it to you...but even if you came along first and called dibs on your fag, you're the crowd, not the boyfriend. You never watched the last season where Will and Grace stop talking to each other because the hag came between the fag and his man, have you? And please, please, please don't start with the "well, you two can't make a baby, so let's you and I do it and play make-believe family." That didn't work for Madonna in The Next Best Thing. And if something doesn't work for Madonna in a movie, it's not gonna work for you in real life. Madonna's richer, prettier, and far more cool than you'll ever be. Some of us might even momentarily turn straight for her. The same can't be said for you.

    The bottom line, as brutal as it may seem, is this: we don't need you like you need us. You attach yourself to us because you're afraid straight men won't give you the time of day. We merely tolerate you because you're pretty much a pathetic trainwreck and therefore are mildly amusing. Think of how much more we liked Britney when she went crazy, shaved her head, and stopped wearing underpants, or Lindsay when she turned into a strung-out bisexual drama-case: we like our entertainment. That, and you constantly stroke our egos, and we all know how much men -- any men -- like having their...egos...stroked. That's figurative and literal and a whole bunch of other shit, by the way. I'm sure you got that.

    Now, this is the part where I give you a little unsolicited advice, and -- to gender-appropriately paraphrase my favorite campy Jim Verraros movie -- this is why people think I'm an ass. Are you listening?

    The number one thing you can do for yourself (and for the entire world, in fact), is this: Get. A. Life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 6:40 AM GMT
    [cont.]

    We get the attraction you have for us -- really, we do. We get far more action, and with far hotter guys, than you do, so you like to live vicariously through us. On top of that, we're nice to you. We compliment your clothes when a straight guy would noncommitally shrug and say "yeah, you look good" with the exact same enthusiasm he'd have if you'd asked him if he enjoyed the root canal he had last week. We dance with you and let you fawn all over us when the straight guys are busy checking out the hot chicks. We even touch your boobs sometimes, if only for the novelty. In short, we're the ideal men for you, save for the fact we'll never, ever make unwelcome sexual advances on you. Well, unelss we're drunk, but even then we don't mean anything by it (and you know that, so we're still safe to you). We're the perfect Ken dolls for you to play out a fantasy lovelife with, and -- like Ken -- we're neutered in your mind, nonthreatening because since we're gay, we don't pass judgment on you the way a horny straight guy does (FYI -- that's wrong, cuz really, we do. Judge you, that is. We're just more discreet about it). And yeah, we know you secretly hold out hope against hope that someday we'll turn around, decide we don't like dick after all, and fall madly in love with you.

    Gimme a fucking break. Here's a newsflash: you cling to us because you don't have a man of your own. Now riddle me this: if all you ever do is hang out with us, how the hell are you gonna ever meet an honest-to-goodness straight man to have a real relationship with?

    Of course, that's part of the point, isn't it? You don't have the balls (figuratively speaking) to take a chance that a straight man might reject you. We're your security blankets to hide from the big, bad world behind. So that's the second thing you need to do, for all our sakes: get a goddamned fucking backbone. Get some confidence. Are you ugly? Fix it. Get your cottage-cheese thighs and wide-load ass to the gym and bust a sweat. Get yourself a bangin' bod. Do your hair all pretty (highlights and conditioner are your friends), learn the delicate not-too-little, not-too-much balance with makeup (and I can't help you here, anyway...this fag don't do drag, much as for some reason you'd love to play dress-up with me). Squeeze that new-and-improved body into some hot-ass clothes, and you're good to go.

    See, if you feel fucking good about yourself, it shows. If you go around thinking to yourself "damn, I'm a fine piece of ass," guess what? You're gonna fucking radiate with an intangible self-confidence. Your presence is gonna shine. Guys are gonna notice you. And when they do, that's gonna make you feel even better, and a whole wonderful fan-fucking-tastic cycle is started. It'll even do wonders for your personality, if you don't have one now. Once you get it into your now-prettier head that you're attractive, that timid, meek wallflower girl is gonna fade into a more confident you that guys will want to hang out with and get to know, or at least bang. Hell, we'll even wanna be your friend then, because nothing's hotter than a girl who know's she's worth something. Confidence is everything. Fucking get some. Just don't go too far and turn into a stuck-up bitch. Nobody likes that.

    So...you got that? Go. Get a life, and stop acting like gay guys are God's gift to women. Because we're not, dammit. We're God's gifts to other men. Time to take off the training wheels,take a deep breath, get some fucking cajones, and get yourself a straight man to ride. I fucking promise, we'll manage just fine without you. Leave your poor long-suffering gay boy-toy to his boyfriend, who, my dear, has suffered you quite enough.

    Love and kisses,
    Z
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 5:56 PM GMT
    Dayum! icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 5:59 PM GMT
    I think I am weird because I have never had a "fag hag" friend. To be honest with the exception of work, I can count the number of female friends I have had in my lifetime on two fingers.

    That must have been very cathartic for you Zrew. I don't think I have ever seen you post so much at one time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 6:18 PM GMT
    icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 6:21 PM GMT
    Okay, z, what did she do to you? *offers cookies (with painful reluctance) and milk*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    SurrealLife saidI think I am weird because I have never had a "fag hag" friend. To be honest with the exception of work, I can count the number of female friends I have had in my lifetime on two fingers.

    I have many very good female friends. None of them, however, are what I consider 'hags.'
    SurrealLife saidThat must have been very cathartic for you Zrew. I don't think I have ever seen you post so much at one time.

    It was, and I haven't written anything that...extensive...here. I wrote it on my blog last night, and pasted it here for a little RJ perspective. I needed to vent a bit to get it all out of my system, and to see if anyone else gets so peeved from time to time. Thanks for actually reading through it LOL.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 6:24 PM GMT
    That was awsome Z...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 6:26 PM GMT
    gently strokes Z's head in non sexual way (involving amazing self control, only possible because respectful of monogamous relationships)

    I've got chocolate if you need it...
  • Thirdbeach

    Posts: 1364

    Jan 15, 2009 6:40 PM GMT
    Zdrool:
    Would you be so kind as to stop sitting on the fence on this topic and tell us what you really feel. Don't bottle it up, getting it off your chest will be good for you.


    PS: So; spill, what did she say/do that brought this on? icon_eek.gif It is not like your usual postings.

    PPS: What is the url of your blog?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 6:41 PM GMT
    I like a good rant and that was a great rant!

    It reminds me years ago one of my friends at the time was having a HUGE falling out with his hag. One night at a club ended up with me standing between them as they were about to start fist fighting. I had one hand on his chest holding him back and the other holding her throat. The more she lunged forward the more she choked herself. Of course a whole crowd formed around us. When she yelled 'your a fucking faggot' someone in the crowed yelled 'Let's get her'! As she went down in the sea of people we got the hell out of there.

    Ah, times I'm glad I'm not around anymore for.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 7:02 PM GMT
    Thirdbeach saidZdrool:
    PS: So; spill, what did she say/do that brought this on? icon_eek.gif It is not like your usual postings.


    Many, many things set this off. In a nutshell, the poor clueless girl (a) wants to move across the country with bf and I, (b) plans to move in with him to share costs, (c) loves kids and wants to raise kids with him, since in her mind they'll already be living together, and (d) now is pressuring him to marry her so she can have health coverage. Now, call me crazy...but I have a bit of a problem with all that. I don't mind my boyfriend helping out a friend and all, but it just strikes me as a bit mental that she'd show so little regard for our relationship as to impose herself like that. I'm probably overreacting a bit (you should have seen me the other day, when she first broached the subject of marriage...) and I'm usually a patient guy, but clearly, in my mind, the bitch needs to go away.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 7:09 PM GMT
    wooooo. I think the original post was remarkably controlled and understated

    (Do I still get to stroke your head icon_rolleyes.gif )
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 7:28 PM GMT
    zdrew said
    Thirdbeach saidZdrool:
    PS: So; spill, what did she say/do that brought this on? icon_eek.gif It is not like your usual postings.


    Many, many things set this off. In a nutshell, the poor clueless girl (a) wants to move across the country with bf and I, (b) plans to move in with him to share costs, (c) loves kids and wants to raise kids with him, since in her mind they'll already be living together, and (d) now is pressuring him to marry her so she can have health coverage. Now, call me crazy...but I have a bit of a problem with all that. I don't mind my boyfriend helping out a friend and all, but it just strikes me as a bit mental that she'd show so little regard for our relationship as to impose herself like that. I'm probably overreacting a bit (you should have seen me the other day, when she first broached the subject of marriage...) and I'm usually a patient guy, but clearly, in my mind, the bitch needs to go away.


    Holee shiyeeet is all I can say. icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 7:29 PM GMT
    Amen-Brother.jpg
  • Thirdbeach

    Posts: 1364

    Jan 15, 2009 10:03 PM GMT
    zdrew said
    Many, many things set this off. In a nutshell, the poor clueless girl (a) wants to move across the country with bf and I, (b) plans to move in with him to share costs, (c) loves kids and wants to raise kids with him, since in her mind they'll already be living together, and (d) now is pressuring him to marry her so she can have health coverage. Now, call me crazy...but I have a bit of a problem with all that. I don't mind my boyfriend helping out a friend and all, but it just strikes me as a bit mental that she'd show so little regard for our relationship as to impose herself like that. I'm probably overreacting a bit (you should have seen me the other day, when she first broached the subject of marriage...) and I'm usually a patient guy, but clearly, in my mind, the bitch needs to go away.


    Sounds like you and the Boyfriend will be have some very serious discussions about the future and what it will look like for the two of you.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 10:26 PM GMT
    Thirdbeach: Naturally. We've been together for over a year, so there have been plenty of serious discussions over the months. This took him completely by surprise too. He's a little weirded out by her request, but I don't think he's as insulted by it as I was, nor do I think he understands why it's insulting to me. He laughed it off...I sent stuff flying off my desk.

    What really unsettles me, though, is how she's trying to wedge herself into our life and make herself a permanent fixture. I don't understand such complete and utter co-dependence. I don't think I ever will.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 10:33 PM GMT
    zdrew said
    Thirdbeach saidZdrool:
    PS: So; spill, what did she say/do that brought this on? icon_eek.gif It is not like your usual postings.


    Many, many things set this off. In a nutshell, the poor clueless girl (a) wants to move across the country with bf and I, (b) plans to move in with him to share costs, (c) loves kids and wants to raise kids with him, since in her mind they'll already be living together, and (d) now is pressuring him to marry her so she can have health coverage. Now, call me crazy...but I have a bit of a problem with all that. I don't mind my boyfriend helping out a friend and all, but it just strikes me as a bit mental that she'd show so little regard for our relationship as to impose herself like that. I'm probably overreacting a bit (you should have seen me the other day, when she first broached the subject of marriage...) and I'm usually a patient guy, but clearly, in my mind, the bitch needs to go away.


    Yep, I think that'd tick off any sane person. She's basically there trying to steal your boyfriend out from under your nose. It's the perfect relationship for a female, she gets what she wants AND she doesn't have to put out.

    I'd definitely discuss with your partner about setting some clear boundaries, and then sit down and talk with her about these boundaries. If she leaves in a huff, she's not really a friend. She's one of those emotional vampire/codependent types.

    Or instead of talking with her, you could just tell her you are going to a hot new club one night...tell her you're going to drop her off while you and your boyfriend park, and leave her on the step of a CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meeting.
  • Thirdbeach

    Posts: 1364

    Jan 15, 2009 10:43 PM GMT
    zdrew said We've been together for over a year, so there have been plenty of serious discussions over the months. This took him completely by surprise too. He's a little weirded out by her request, but I don't think he's as insulted by it as I was, nor do I think he understands why it's insulting to me. He laughed it off...I sent stuff flying off my desk.

    What really unsettles me, though, is how she's trying to wedge herself into our life and make herself a permanent fixture. I don't understand such complete and utter co-dependence. I don't think I ever will.


    Sounds like she's trying to wedge herself into his life, and wedge you out of it. I wouldn't understand how a "friend" would behave like this. She should be happy that her friend is happy, not threatened. Has your boyfriend read that stuff you posted above?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 10:58 PM GMT
    Thirdbeach said Sounds like she's trying to wedge herself into his life, and wedge you out of it. I wouldn't understand how a "friend" would behave like this. She should be happy that her friend is happy, not threatened. Has your boyfriend read that stuff you posted above?


    No, and he won't be reading it...I personally think it's poor form and bad strategy to tell your partner how much you dislike their friends and why, and it would put him in an even more awkward position -- she's pretty much friendless other than him. I've made it clear how I feel about the situation itself, though, so I figure I've said my part. That said, I don't pretend to love her, either. I just wisely shut up most of the time when she says stuff and let him deal with it.

    I'm not actually worried in the least. Still, I can't help but want her to get her fat ass lost and eaten by an alligator in some Louisiana bayou (that's where she's living right now).

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 16, 2009 12:21 AM GMT
    Z, when you're ready I gotcho back!!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 16, 2009 2:50 PM GMT
    Ho hum, it's tongue in cheek I know, but still, I'm always pleased if someone wants to be my friend (let alone marry me!) gay, straight, male, female etc etc

    katie_price_narrowweb__300x447,4.jpg

    For example, I'd happily go shopping for pink tops with Katie Price. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 16, 2009 4:23 PM GMT
    zdrew said
    Thirdbeach saidZdrool:
    PS: So; spill, what did she say/do that brought this on? icon_eek.gif It is not like your usual postings.


    Many, many things set this off. In a nutshell, the poor clueless girl (a) wants to move across the country with bf and I, (b) plans to move in with him to share costs, (c) loves kids and wants to raise kids with him, since in her mind they'll already be living together, and (d) now is pressuring him to marry her so she can have health coverage. Now, call me crazy...but I have a bit of a problem with all that. I don't mind my boyfriend helping out a friend and all, but it just strikes me as a bit mental that she'd show so little regard for our relationship as to impose herself like that. I'm probably overreacting a bit (you should have seen me the other day, when she first broached the subject of marriage...) and I'm usually a patient guy, but clearly, in my mind, the bitch needs to go away.


    She needs help. Seriously she should see a therapist asap. And no you are not overreacting. You were far more civilized and polite than I would have been. I can get very angry in a cold-blooded "Hannibal Lecter" sort of way when someone pushes all the buttons, and all my buttons would have been pushed in this situation.