Meeting Guys in "straight' places

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 6:51 AM GMT
    In a couple of other threads I've seen the topic come up about not liking the gay bars, not being into going to "gay things" or not liking the general "gay culture," etc etc etc.

    I'll admit that I find myselft loathing going out to the bar again with the hope of meeting someone new and interesting only to be disappointed in finding the same and ordinary over and over. Plus I'm generally put off by the prentention and arrogance found in many of "our" bars.

    I believe there is truth to the theory that as gays & lesbians become more assimilated into the general society at large, the gay bar as we know it faces a very real decline with the possibility of disappearing all together. Certainly the gay bar culture is nothing even close to what it was when a gay bar was the only place gay men & women could meet each other, could be out of the closet while still very much in the closet.

    So here's a trying question... how do you approach, meet, "hit on" a guy in a straight or mixed club, coffee shop, work, etc. How do you know it's safe to open up?

    I am still slightly uncomfortable at a "traditionally" straight bar.

    There is a small fear that creeps up in me that is afraid of looking too long at someone, giving the wrong glance at the wrong time and getting the crap kicked out of me. Actually, I think I'd be able to hold my own in a fight.. I can be a tough little guy...but I'm not thrilled about the attention and/or scene that would ensue.

    How do you do it? How do you "know" when you're both on the "same page" in a traditionally straight environment. And... if you avoid the bar scene all together - gay & straight - how do you / did you meet the right guy?

  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Jan 15, 2009 6:59 AM GMT
    Very good question, skotjock. I've been wondering that myself. And I would especially like to know how do you meet other gay people in non-bar settings? Even just looking for friends and not necessarily anything more?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 7:01 AM GMT
    By getting your friends to introduce you to their gay friends. Then you meet those gay friends' friends, and it keeps going on and on and on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 7:08 AM GMT
    IStrat is right. The best way to increase your network is through friends. If you suspect a guy in a straight club may be gay use one of your female friends to find out. Send her over to talk to the dude and get the scoop. Have her find out who he's with, is he seeing anybody, my friend has been checking you out... As long as she's smart and isn't totally wasted she should have a feel for him in a matter of minutes. You can only do this about 2-3 times with the same friend. By the 3rd guy you send her to shake down she's prob irritated and everybody else prob thinks she's a slut. Be careful not to burn your female friends out. They may not invite you out any more cuz they think you only want to use them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 7:16 AM GMT
    bakejenson saidIStrat is right. The best way to increase your network is through friends. If you suspect a guy in a straight club may be gay use one of your female friends to find out. Send her over to talk to the dude and get the scoop. Have her find out who he's with, is he seeing anybody, my friend has been checking you out... As long as she's smart and isn't totally wasted she should have a feel for him in a matter of minutes. You can only do this about 2-3 times with the same friend. By the 3rd guy you send her to shake down she's prob irritated and everybody else prob thinks she's a slut. Be careful not to burn your female friends out. They may not invite you out any more cuz they think you only want to use them.


    mate. youve totally missed the point.

    Listen to Istrat guys, hes on the money.

    just do stuff that you like to do socially, whether its eat at swanky restaurants and drink coffee, or going to the movies, or the beach, or whatever, just hang out with your mates, and get to know their mates, and eventually down the line by just being a social butterfly youll meet lots of people, and by the force of numbers some of them will be gay.

    If some girl came up to me in a bar and asked if i was gay and single i would probably tell them to go away and mind their business even if their friend was hot, because he doesnt have the balls to come up and talk to me himself, and also because hes probably some sleazy guy whos just after sex - if thats what youre after, just hang out at a gay bar.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 7:28 AM GMT
    bakejenson saidIStrat is right. The best way to increase your network is through friends. If you suspect a guy in a straight club may be gay use one of your female friends to find out. Send her over to talk to the dude and get the scoop. Have her find out who he's with, is he seeing anybody, my friend has been checking you out... As long as she's smart and isn't totally wasted she should have a feel for him in a matter of minutes. You can only do this about 2-3 times with the same friend. By the 3rd guy you send her to shake down she's prob irritated and everybody else prob thinks she's a slut. Be careful not to burn your female friends out. They may not invite you out any more cuz they think you only want to use them.


    Getting straight girls and straight people in general too pick your type is often hard. I've had girls tell me I should date there friend pretty much all it comes down to is because we're both gay.. It's a bit annoying, when the type they try to set me up with is the type who wear there colours loud and proudicon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 7:32 AM GMT
    geneticien said
    bakejenson saidIStrat is right. The best way to increase your network is through friends. If you suspect a guy in a straight club may be gay use one of your female friends to find out. Send her over to talk to the dude and get the scoop. Have her find out who he's with, is he seeing anybody, my friend has been checking you out... As long as she's smart and isn't totally wasted she should have a feel for him in a matter of minutes. You can only do this about 2-3 times with the same friend. By the 3rd guy you send her to shake down she's prob irritated and everybody else prob thinks she's a slut. Be careful not to burn your female friends out. They may not invite you out any more cuz they think you only want to use them.


    mate. youve totally missed the point.

    If some girl came up to me in a bar and asked if i was gay and single i would probably tell them to go away and mind their business even if their friend was hot, because he doesnt have the balls to come up and talk to me himself, and also because hes probably some sleazy guy whos just after sex - if thats what youre after, just hang out at a gay bar.


    Did you read the OP?
    [quote][cite]geneticien said[/cite]
    skotjockmi saidThere is a small fear that creeps up in me that is afraid of looking too long at someone, giving the wrong glance at the wrong time and getting the crap kicked out of me. Actually, I think I'd be able to hold my own in a fight.. I can be a tough little guy...but I'm not thrilled about the attention and/or scene that would ensue.


    If a guy were to approach another guy in a predominantly straight environment there is a good chance one of them is going to end up getting tossed out of the club/ bar. If you send a girl up to the guy as a decoy her odds of getting beat down are pretty low in comparison. I never said ask the guy to his face if he's gay. That would be insulting. She's going to have to flirt with the guy and use the art of conversation to determine if it's safe for her guy friend to approach or not.

    Strat's post was good advice but it didn't address the club scene scenario described in the OP. That's why I suggested using a female friend to test the waters and hopefully avoid a scene. I hope now you understand where I was coming from. If not then whatever.
  • cowboyathlete

    Posts: 1346

    Jan 15, 2009 12:56 PM GMT
    Never hit on a guy. Start off with guy talk and take it from there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 3:07 PM GMT
    Sports venues are the best. Become buddies first, then...???
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 3:31 PM GMT
    I meet people the same way as I would in a bar. By being vocal and sparking a conversation. The time place and setting means little to me when it comes to just meeting people and from there whatever happens happens.

    Some people feel only comfortable in one element like ina bar because of the whole numbers and alcohol factor.

    Sports bars, events, movies or wherever are good places to start. I found that I meet most of my buddies from being in the military and sharing the same experiences and also in college from classes. Keeping an open mind and not having any expectations when meeting someone is good too. Nothing worse then jumping the gun and confusing kindness for soemthing else.

    You just gotta be able to step outside your zone/bubble and knock down the stereotypes associated with "gay scenes". Don't let something like that dictate your ability to meet and greet someone gay or otherwise.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2009 3:32 PM GMT
    Ahh.. but dare I say that most of us are imbued with supreme Jedi gay-dar. I would agree that making friends, talking and generally hanging out are good ways to start. I don't care how macho, or "str8 acting" a gay guy is.. there's usually something intangible that you can sense - something in the air that will blip on your screen.

    And it all depends on what you're looking for.. Friends with benefits, a relationship?..

    There's something about going to a gay bar that takes the mystery, the spontaneity and excitement out of the pursuit. That's just my opinion though.
  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Jan 15, 2009 3:37 PM GMT
    hockeynick79 saidAhh.. but dare I say that most of us are imbued with supreme Jedi gay-dar. I would agree that making friends, talking and generally hanging out are good ways to start. I don't care how macho, or "str8 acting" a gay guy is.. there's usually something intangible that you can sense - something in the air that will blip on your screen.

    And it all depends on what you're looking for.. Friends with benefits, a relationship?..

    There's something about going to a gay bar that takes the mystery, the spontaneity and excitement out of the pursuit. That's just my opinion though.


    Unfortunately I have zilch ability in that department, causing me anguish whenever someone talks about being hit on.