Here's a reflection on my life. I've never been %100 honest about this before, a long read but please feel free to enjoy.

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    Oct 05, 2014 6:52 PM GMT
    Unfortunately, I'm not a good person. I am a result of a broken home I suppose. Most kids get a supportive family I guess, or maybe that's me just playing victim again, I don't know. But that's what I do, I constantly play victim. Because maybe I'm too weak for this life, I have no idea. And I'm doing it right now.

    my father died young, my mother an alcoholic. Through these two events I went through some very traumatic experiences. I may not have realized it at the time, but they've kinda fucked me up. From theft, to drugs, to rape, I've pretty much seen it all, I've never committed any of it. My brother pretty much became somewhat "sadistic" as a young age after our father passed, I was too young. Only 2, my brother 8, my sister 10. My mother is what I call a helpless trophy wife, she has a good heart. But she does not have the physical or emotional tolerance to make it successfully in this world. Of course after my father died us three kids were removed from her care, my brother being the uncontrollable one was placed in a different home. My sister and I, were placed with our aunty. Where my brother was as well for a short time, but our aunty couldn't handle him. Neither could we, but we couldn't fight back. she was caring, but the day she dies I won't miss her.

    I saw him torture our cats a couple of times, his temper escalating into physical forms against humans.

    if you've ever watched "WEEDS" Nancy goes from a small time weed dealer to a drug lord pretty much.

    That's how my brother kind of did it, whilst he smoked weed and then progressed to much worse. He went from (what I've been told) a shy, smart, healthy boy into a feared, drug abusive criminal. He hit our mother once, she hit him first. That's equality.

    My brother has a good heart, he openly accepts me as gay. Whilst he's against gay marriage and gay adoption he said he was proud of me the day I came out. He just went through a critical breakdown when he told me to never marry or adopt, I choose to cut him out of my life instead of fighting him. He may have dominion over me in masculinity and strength, but mentality wise. I win.

    This isn't about my brother, my mother has more to do with the story honestly. I love her, but I will never trust her.

    I've never had a father figure in my life, maybe my uncle. Seeing her thrusting into her when I was only 8 years old scarred me for life. I knew it was wrong at the time, but I had to accept it. My uncle is dead to me, he might be dead. I do have very fond memories, and he did care for me. Apparently the second time he raped my mum, that time I wasn't there. All the other times I was though, not rape though. One man my mother met online came around to our house, he bought toys, chocolate, everything I wanted. I loved it, I was too young to realize what was going on. "What do you want for dinner Chris? Go buy it! Here's $50!" So off I went, riding on my bike down the street. He didn't realize I had a bike, when I walked through that door, this hairy man mounting my mother as she lay intoxicated on the couch. I again had to pretend it didn't happen, it didn't stop. Time after time I saw random men buying me gifts and my "love" only to see my mother drunk with strangers inside her.

    Maybe that's where I learned it, to manipulate, to lie. To find pleasure in destroying happiness and excitement in cheap, worthless disgusting sex.

    My mother was not a "happy" drunk by any means, the reason she hit my brother first is because her words weren't working. Her words weren't making the fight real, she wanted to be hit. So she could cry, so she could be victim. Smashing objects, playing her music, crying, fucking randoms, starting fights, clutching me in her arms and not letting me go until I'm screaming and shouting and crying and it just kept going and going and going and I couldn't run away. It hurt so much, because it never ended. It was constant abuse. I'm stronger now though, I'm so thankful for that, that I can walk out and say goodbye.

    My sister did it first, a few years later our mother got us all back from our foster homes and relatives. She fought hard for us. I still don't know why sometimes. My brother spiraled into drugs and his soon to be life of destruction. My sister, was the rock of the family. Her efforts paid off when she fell in love and moved in with her boyfriend and she was oh so ever happy. He gave her an STD after fucking random girls whilst he went "away" for work. Life isn't fair even when you come so far.

    Years go by and they manage to finally separate, he also, just like our mother liked to practice emotional abuse, never physical thank god.

    Not to skip to the end of my sisters story, but whilst we are the closest. She is mentally stable, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink. perfect picture of happiness, she has met the nicest man on this planet and she's getting married next year.

    She will live a happy and successful life. I'm jealous. All the best sister.

    our father died of inoperable cancer, testicular that spread. (I had a scare this year, I'm fine though) I'm so happy he's dead, I've always been told he abused Damien. And that the family wouldn't know what he would do if I was "Gay". People like that are fine dead to me. Apparently a good man, cheated a few times. Very abusive with mothers alcohol addiction towards the end (I don't blame him) They did split up, but got back together when he was diagnosed. Mum told the story that in his last moments, she was begging him to stay. Those moments were the definition of hell, I could hear it in her words. She said goodbye, and he took his final last few breathes on this planet. I did not know you father, but thank you for bringing me into this world. Even if you were unhappy with the result due to something as stupid as my sexuality.

    I imagine that moment with my current boyfriend, him lying there. about to take his last breathe, the pain would never go away would it. It would haunt you.

    Mother ran over my cat one day, I got out of the car, she looked fine. Then the blood dripped out of her nose, it kept going and going. Her head fell to the pavement, the tire crushed her body. that's how I imagine it, in that final moment she had no idea what was going on. All I could do was hold her and see the life slip away from her. I couldn't save her. I'm so sorry, you were the first thing in my life to feel genuine pain. I remember laying on the lawn screaming, crying, shouting. my mother killed my best friend. the blood falling from her nose will haunt me forever.

    I'm now crying as I'm writing this, I'm probably just really tried. But I am. Maybe I'm just playing victim to get attention, but I still feel genuine sorrow.

    I haven't covered everything, it would never end. From stealing with my brother, to my underage explicit sex acts with my friend that i look back on now and feel like I raped when I didn't know any better. To living in the worst area filled with drugs and abuse which was constantly knocking on my door.

    I am a result of a broken home, my greatest gratification is probably thinking about cheating and hookups. Whilst I never physically have, it always taunts me. The act of it seems to natural and warranted and gratifying. From manipulating and lying about every situation I can within a plausible circumstance, to being completely lazy and never feeling like I should have to earn money or have to work hard for things. Like they should just come to me.

    Truth is I play a victim, my childhood was hard. But there are kids out there starving, i had food on the table, most days that is.

    I have a beautiful soul actually, I'm caring about others and my future. Unless it's my boyfriend, who I subconsciously sabotage my relationship with. after all we've been through. I have no idea why, but I always expect the world. and wait for it to be too late. Until one day, it will be.

    One day, I will become my mother.
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    Oct 06, 2014 2:11 AM GMT
    *Hugs*

    Kristoff said
    One day, I will become my mother.

    But Why?
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Oct 06, 2014 2:23 AM GMT
    At this point it is not a matter whether you are just making this up to get attention, or that you are genuinely expressing sorrow!? what you really need right now is to seek professional help! and I don't mean to be mean, sarcastic, or anything like that! sweety nothing that one does is ever a waste of time, or a bad thing for that matter. As long as you learn to better yourself, and the fact you are talking about it, is a first but huge step for recovery! good luck and I wish you well!
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    Oct 06, 2014 2:41 AM GMT
    "He may have dominion over me in masculinity and strength, but mentality wise. I win."

    Your brother must be on the cusp of brain damage if this is true.
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    Oct 06, 2014 2:43 AM GMT
    Kristoff saidUnfortunately, I'm not a good person.
    ...
    One day, I will become my mother.
    Are you saying your mother is not a good person?
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    Oct 06, 2014 2:51 AM GMT
    I can't believe I almost read the whole thing icon_neutral.gif
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    Oct 06, 2014 2:58 AM GMT
    You sound way too pessimistic towards your overall outlook in life. when you think about negative things in life you become boxed in and absorbed in your depression, everything seems bleak even though it might not be so bad in reality. even though it might seem bad right now, depression and sadness are a good thing because its our conscience telling us something is wrong. and it seems all your failings are bringing you great regret, this is because you are falling short of the person you would want to be or would like to be more like. dishonesty and lying harms you as well as whoever you are lying to, because for most people honesty and integrity are core things to their being, you`ve lived a hard life and know that lying and cheating ultimately lead toward self-destruction. you should look towards your achievements in life or the person you would like to be and work towards that, take baby steps and give plenty of chances for yourself if you fail
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    Oct 06, 2014 3:09 AM GMT
    P.S., and yeah, the best advice that someone gave earlier is get professional help. there`s nothing wrong with getting help and you can release all of that past emotion that is bottled up inside. and btw, i don`t think that is fair what you did with your brother, rejecting him because his views on gays are different, at least he accepts you for being gay. In my opinion when you hold onto grudges its like a double-edged sword, both people are hurt. maybe this moment of introspection would be a good time to try to heal old wounds?
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    Oct 06, 2014 9:06 AM GMT
    This wasn't attention seeking status, this was purely a reflection. At this point in time I won't lie, I'm not happy. I have a brand new car, beautiful boyfriend, following my dream. But I sabotage myself I've realized, I quit my job, i left school, I purposely try to make my boyfriend insecure about us and our future. Maybe because in my head life is just a game that I'm playing, but when things get real. And the game stops, that's when it's game over. I'm not depressed or suicidal or anything, and i must mention I'm incredibly bleak. I feel almost no empathy towards normal things others would, I certainly do towards animals and the helpless. But when our family dog died after 16 years everyone was crying. I was happy, she lived a good life, she made it to 16. Why are you crying? Get over it. Death happens and she went the best way possible, she wasn't mauled and crushed with a tyre like my cat milky was.

    I was extremely tired when I wrote that last night, due to changing circumstances in my life. But it was all true and genuine.
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    Oct 07, 2014 12:00 AM GMT
    Good for you for speaking up! Ignore these fuckers that call you an attention getter because they don't have the guts to express themselves. I will give you advice in a bit but I really have to go somewhere right now and will be back. Hang in there.
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    Oct 07, 2014 12:56 AM GMT
    What you are describing is horrible. I grew up without a Father but my Mother was a straight arrow. So my story doesn't even compare to yours. But what I can say is that AT YOUR AGE if you are stealing it has to stop. I stopped it at your age and my life turned around completely as I went back to college and moved up in the business world and had an extroardinary life.

    I know this is NOT going to make sense to you at your age but you have to stop and look at your parents and know they tried the best they could though in your case their burden was obviously not under control. Forgive and be thankful that you see these things and don't take after them on it. The reason I say forgive is when you do that you will see the positive things they did for you as bleak as they might be. But it is THOSE things you want to value as you grow up from age 21. To carry around the pain OR regret is not going to get you very far, TRUST ME.

    Your reflection is YOU STANDING at the crossroads right now. I think there is something more going on in your head you are not telling us which is fine... But let me leave you with this:

    I know a LOT of very successful people who came from where you are at and they did it by letting go of downside to their upbringing and within their heart just recognizing that they do love their parents. IT IS HARD TO DO as it took me almost my whole life to do that with my Father and recently he just walked back into my life after 23 years to offer me a kidney.

    THINK OF IT THIS WAY... If your Mother was not drinking and your Father was alive twenty years from now, they both might have been able to grow up enough to tell you that they love you. Unfortunately that is not going to happen with your Father and I am so sorry for that.

    I wish the best for you and I know there are things I forgot to write but if you ever need to communicate with someone PM me. You are a good kid and I can tell that right now. FOLLOW YOUR CONSCIENCE as you are doing. Conscience believe it or not will award you the greatest happiness.
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    Oct 14, 2014 12:15 AM GMT
    I'm not stealing? I clearly stated I'm not trailer trash. I don't even fucking drink.

    And I said I was glad my father was DEAD.
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    Oct 24, 2014 9:22 PM GMT
    Kristoff saidUnfortunately, I'm not a good person. I am a result of a broken home I suppose. Most kids get a supportive family I guess, or maybe that's me just playing victim again, I don't know. But that's what I do, I constantly play victim. Because maybe I'm too weak for this life, I have no idea. And I'm doing it right now.

    my father died young, my mother an alcoholic. Through these two events I went through some very traumatic experiences. I may not have realized it at the time, but they've kinda fucked me up. From theft, to drugs, to rape, I've pretty much seen it all, I've never committed any of it. My brother pretty much became somewhat "sadistic" as a young age after our father passed, I was too young. Only 2, my brother 8, my sister 10. My mother is what I call a helpless trophy wife, she has a good heart. But she does not have the physical or emotional tolerance to make it successfully in this world. Of course after my father died us three kids were removed from her care, my brother being the uncontrollable one was placed in a different home. My sister and I, were placed with our aunty. Where my brother was as well for a short time, but our aunty couldn't handle him. Neither could we, but we couldn't fight back. she was caring, but the day she dies I won't miss her.

    I saw him torture our cats a couple of times, his temper escalating into physical forms against humans.

    if you've ever watched "WEEDS" Nancy goes from a small time weed dealer to a drug lord pretty much.

    That's how my brother kind of did it, whilst he smoked weed and then progressed to much worse. He went from (what I've been told) a shy, smart, healthy boy into a feared, drug abusive criminal. He hit our mother once, she hit him first. That's equality.

    My brother has a good heart, he openly accepts me as gay. Whilst he's against gay marriage and gay adoption he said he was proud of me the day I came out. He just went through a critical breakdown when he told me to never marry or adopt, I choose to cut him out of my life instead of fighting him. He may have dominion over me in masculinity and strength, but mentality wise. I win.

    This isn't about my brother, my mother has more to do with the story honestly. I love her, but I will never trust her.

    I've never had a father figure in my life, maybe my uncle. Seeing her thrusting into her when I was only 8 years old scarred me for life. I knew it was wrong at the time, but I had to accept it. My uncle is dead to me, he might be dead. I do have very fond memories, and he did care for me. Apparently the second time he raped my mum, that time I wasn't there. All the other times I was though, not rape though. One man my mother met online came around to our house, he bought toys, chocolate, everything I wanted. I loved it, I was too young to realize what was going on. "What do you want for dinner Chris? Go buy it! Here's $50!" So off I went, riding on my bike down the street. He didn't realize I had a bike, when I walked through that door, this hairy man mounting my mother as she lay intoxicated on the couch. I again had to pretend it didn't happen, it didn't stop. Time after time I saw random men buying me gifts and my "love" only to see my mother drunk with strangers inside her.

    Maybe that's where I learned it, to manipulate, to lie. To find pleasure in destroying happiness and excitement in cheap, worthless disgusting sex.

    My mother was not a "happy" drunk by any means, the reason she hit my brother first is because her words weren't working. Her words weren't making the fight real, she wanted to be hit. So she could cry, so she could be victim. Smashing objects, playing her music, crying, fucking randoms, starting fights, clutching me in her arms and not letting me go until I'm screaming and shouting and crying and it just kept going and going and going and I couldn't run away. It hurt so much, because it never ended. It was constant abuse. I'm stronger now though, I'm so thankful for that, that I can walk out and say goodbye.

    My sister did it first, a few years later our mother got us all back from our foster homes and relatives. She fought hard for us. I still don't know why sometimes. My brother spiraled into drugs and his soon to be life of destruction. My sister, was the rock of the family. Her efforts paid off when she fell in love and moved in with her boyfriend and she was oh so ever happy. He gave her an STD after fucking random girls whilst he went "away" for work. Life isn't fair even when you come so far.

    Years go by and they manage to finally separate, he also, just like our mother liked to practice emotional abuse, never physical thank god.

    Not to skip to the end of my sisters story, but whilst we are the closest. She is mentally stable, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink. perfect picture of happiness, she has met the nicest man on this planet and she's getting married next year.

    She will live a happy and successful life. I'm jealous. All the best sister.

    our father died of inoperable cancer, testicular that spread. (I had a scare this year, I'm fine though) I'm so happy he's dead, I've always been told he abused Damien. And that the family wouldn't know what he would do if I was "Gay". People like that are fine dead to me. Apparently a good man, cheated a few times. Very abusive with mothers alcohol addiction towards the end (I don't blame him) They did split up, but got back together when he was diagnosed. Mum told the story that in his last moments, she was begging him to stay. Those moments were the definition of hell, I could hear it in her words. She said goodbye, and he took his final last few breathes on this planet. I did not know you father, but thank you for bringing me into this world. Even if you were unhappy with the result due to something as stupid as my sexuality.

    I imagine that moment with my current boyfriend, him lying there. about to take his last breathe, the pain would never go away would it. It would haunt you.

    Mother ran over my cat one day, I got out of the car, she looked fine. Then the blood dripped out of her nose, it kept going and going. Her head fell to the pavement, the tire crushed her body. that's how I imagine it, in that final moment she had no idea what was going on. All I could do was hold her and see the life slip away from her. I couldn't save her. I'm so sorry, you were the first thing in my life to feel genuine pain. I remember laying on the lawn screaming, crying, shouting. my mother killed my best friend. the blood falling from her nose will haunt me forever.

    I'm now crying as I'm writing this, I'm probably just really tried. But I am. Maybe I'm just playing victim to get attention, but I still feel genuine sorrow.

    I haven't covered everything, it would never end. From stealing with my brother, to my underage explicit sex acts with my friend that i look back on now and feel like I raped when I didn't know any better. To living in the worst area filled with drugs and abuse which was constantly knocking on my door.

    I am a result of a broken home, my greatest gratification is probably thinking about cheating and hookups. Whilst I never physically have, it always taunts me. The act of it seems to natural and warranted and gratifying. From manipulating and lying about every situation I can within a plausible circumstance, to being completely lazy and never feeling like I should have to earn money or have to work hard for things. Like they should just come to me.

    Truth is I play a victim, my childhood was hard. But there are kids out there starving, i had food on the table, most days that is.

    I have a beautiful soul actually, I'm caring about others and my future. Unless it's my boyfriend, who I subconsciously sabotage my relationship with. after all we've been through. I have no idea why, but I always expect the world. and wait for it to be too late. Until one day, it will be.

    One day,
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    Oct 25, 2014 12:04 AM GMT
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