Dating and Gay sex

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 08, 2014 3:23 PM GMT
    Ok so i'm the weirdest gay guy on this Earth I think and i'm very ashamed of it and lonely of coarse..
    So i will give you the background:
    Raised in a very strict Southern Baptist Family . ..
    We were always told and preached that gay is horrible and gay sex is unnatural and grouse..
    So I knew I was gay at puberty and thus was very worried and ashamed of myself. I knelled down often and cried praying to God as to why I had those feelings.
    So I just tried to push the feelings away. I was an attractive guy so I had girls come after me. I never had the urge or drive to go after or ask a girl out!
    But the couple that were insistent I did date...It was like 2 haha. The 1st one got me drunk and out of curiosity we had sex. I came really quick, It was embarrassing and she got pissed when i said i was done ...
    She was on me a lot to have more sex and i made every excuse as to not and she finally went away.
    Now the second girl we did the same thing but did it several times, I was always very drunk when we did have sex.
    Now the problem came as she ended up pregnant....I was totally fucked! But however this was my escape to look and live the normal Christian life!
    We decided we should get married before the baby was born and we did.
    We were married for 10 long years and had 2 more kids, total of 3...
    That ten years i bet we had sex a couple dozen times,,, seriously!! She was on me all the time! We would go 6 months and not do it! I hated it and was just plain scared to death of sex....Now remember i'm still gay and still believe that being gay is bad and gay sex is nasty...
    So we eventually divorced and it was due to her having multiple affairs on me which is completely understandable to ME what she did. However it was very easy at that point to make her look like the bad guy in the divorce and I let it play out that way for people to pity me..
    So After about 5-6 years I finally started coming out to people. Along this time I only jerked off to porn, never acted with any real person.
    Now i'm like fully out and i've had one hook up with one guy which we did do anal.
    I've only done anal with that one guy...
    So i'm like fully out now but my problem is i'm scared to fucking death of all sex. Its like the trauma i've gone trough since i was 12. I go on dates and most gay guys want sex before they even know my last name! Its really weird and there is no way I can have random sex like that! I'm still very scared of sex! I think if I really got to know someone It would probably work and be natural...But no guy wants to do that? And to put another thorn in my back is that i'm really only physically attracted to younger guys...Even younger like 16+ turns me on, so now i beat myself up over that as well as I think that is wrong....So i'm totally fucked and just stay alone and fantasize with porn .... One therapist said my trauma began at a young age and i'm stuck there mentally...thats why the attraction...I like to hang out with young guys, I dont even really get along with guys my age...I am very immature too...And now my anxiety of sex is becoming a social anxiety as well now.. So i'm just falling deeper in the anxiety world..
    So I don't know what to do, Going to therapy hasn't help..I know what i have to do but just cannot do it.
    haha who-ever read all this i'm sorry but thanks!
    Any ideas?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 08, 2014 4:24 PM GMT
    I think it's kind of normal for you to be stuck there mentally because it's like you unconsciously want to go back in time and do things differently, thus the attraction to younger boys.

    I'm 22 and I had my first date at 18 so I never did anything in high school. And sometimes I talk to 17 year olds, still in high school and I'm drawn to the idea that it's like I'm in high school again and have a second chance to experience things I didn't get to experience before.

    You have lived, but not the way you wanted cause you repressed your entire sexuality for a very long time.

    I think you should accept who you are first so you can move forward.
    You have to realize the very first thing any gay guy has to acknowledge : you don't choose to be gay, you just are. You can't do anything about it.
    It's like trying to explain why you like chocolate. You can't really justify it.
    And believe me, if I had the choice, I would only date girls.

    Just make the best of it, have fun with it, don't be too serious about it.

    We were all freaked out when we started to have sex with guys. But we got passed it. It's just time for you to start living.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Oct 11, 2014 1:17 PM GMT
    Despite what the church and society tell you, you want to start thinking about your own position in an open an objective manner.

    Being gay has many, many advantages. The most significant one of them is that you learn how to stand your ground, and swim against the stream.

    Equally so, you start understanding that the attitudes and opinions of the society, your friends and family, etc., are vastly overrated. Whenever the proverbial push comes to shove, everybody is likely to tell you "it is your life, you have got to make it work for you". Strange enough, a day before the very same people were telling you what's right and what's wrong, and how you should be living your life to please God, family & friends...

    So, embrace who you are. A very large number of gay men find young guys attractive. A very large number of straight men find young women attractive. You may see a psychopathological background here, but you are simply sharing a common taste with a very large segment of population. Do not cross the line of legal consent, and go and enjoy your life.

    Do not dwell on the usually overrated heterosexual values of romantic relationships being necessary for a gay man to have an exciting sexual life. Enjoy romance when it presents itself but learn how to feel comfortable with the notion that you can have sex for the sake of simply having sex, too.

    Agree with yourself that we live in an overly sexualized world which prescribes the notion that sex happens to be only good if it is done under very specific circumstances. Most of the prescription is something that comes as a bare script from the marketing divisions of the major corporations, poised to win big time if you comply with their ideas. The more you restrain yourself because you need to spend so much on romancing someone in order to have sex with them the better their bottomline looks like.

    You are a gay man. Reinvent yourself.

    SC
  • lgg5819

    Posts: 141

    Oct 11, 2014 2:04 PM GMT
    What kind of therapist were you going to? Are you still going to therapy?
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    Oct 12, 2014 4:16 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear about all the stuff you are going through. Rest assured, there are others out there who have experienced similar issues. I do hope you can identify someone who will provide you with good guidance on how to tackle them and move on in your life. Awareness of the problem is a great start.
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    Oct 13, 2014 7:42 PM GMT
    You might try SSRI meds, which are used to treat generalized anxiety disorder. You might also try cognitive behavior therapy, which I believe is used to desensitize you to situations that provoke anxiety. I believe they work on what you're saying to yourself that makes you afraid. The more general therapy and the therapists who practice it ("how does that make you feel") and often completely worthless.
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    Oct 19, 2014 5:31 AM GMT
    sf_swimmer saidYou might try SSRI meds, which are used to treat generalized anxiety disorder. You might also try cognitive behavior therapy, which I believe is used to desensitize you to situations that provoke anxiety. I believe they work on what you're saying to yourself that makes you afraid. The more general therapy and the therapists who practice it ("how does that make you feel") and often completely worthless.



    Hey SSRI's do nothing but not make me cum..CBT is what all therapists want to do but I just cannot do it...Its like a huge 12 foot wall in front of me and i cannot climb over it.

    Its fear that many of you guys could never understand. I solely did this to myself and i accept that, a lot of it was society and religious driven.

    To put in an understandable perspective would be to say you were raped for 15 years. And then tried to date again after that...

    Its not so much the dating problem of it, its the fear of intimacy which dating evolves to..

    I quit smoking, drinking along time ago but am thinking if i used a "medium"(drug) to get over that wall then i could do it.. I've been researching stimulants are effective at times for resistant anxiety...I don't have an addictive personality so i'm quite confident i could actually use a drug short term to just get myself past that wall...Then when i realize how easy it is then i will have the confidence without med's ..... I know many will think thats stupid but what do i have to lose?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2014 8:22 PM GMT
    Hey...

    Skip the meds... You just have not met the right guy yet !!!....

    Growing up in a small rural community , Having no friends , I was very much a loner , listening to my sister & my Aunts , sleeping in the next room, every night talkabout their guy's , and which one had the biggest one , and ... their experiences with sex with them , really turned me off...

    My first gay sex experience , was with a 40 year old drunk guy , I was scared, But, I was only 11, at the time ...

    It hurt , but ... Somehow ,I kept wanting more ... This lasted for several years , until ... I was not being Satisified , I must seek more ...

    at 14 ,I began Exploring the big city , Seeking out the companionship of men , in parks , I soon learned , that i can get more out of it , than just sex ...

    I was seeking the attention , that i only wanted from guys , not gals ...

    by the age of 17, I was going into XXX - Bookstores , XXX- Videos , And ...
    Gay Bars ...

    Seeking the closeness, passion, and security of a man/man relationship ...

    On my 21, Birthday, I met a woman , whom really had the hotsfor me, I got drunk ,went next door, where she lived , to have sex , but , I could not, it turned me off , making me sick to my stomach, of the thought ,of doing it , instead , i fingered her, she could not tell the difference , after , she said , I was the best , she ever had , I gave her 7 Orgasms ... At that point, I was turned off of sex with women !!! , But... I Really had a crush on her son , whom was married with kids... Later that week, we met for lunch , with her son joining us, she told him, about us having sex, how good it was , he wanted to kick my ass !!!... I made up my mind - NO MORE WOMEN !!!... She was my first and last woman ... She was Fickle ...

    With the coming of the AIDS Virus ,I stopped having sex for many years , I am Clean , Always played safe , and always will ...

    Masterbating to gay books & Videos , My Fantasies of gay Group Sex , Now...
    in my 50's ,I still have not found that true MAN / MAN Relationship , But... SEEKING... Man / Man Sex !!!...

    I am in a ODD COUPLE RELATIONSHIP with a Man , now over 17 Years , Just
    NO SEX ... HE IS STRAIGHT , I am GAY !!!...

    SO ...

    Do not give up, you will find the right guy , someone ,that will understand you ,
    you will be satisified & HAPPY ...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2014 11:17 PM GMT


    You said, " I go on dates and most gay guys want sex before they even know my last name! Its really weird and there is no way I can have random sex like that!"

    Young Jedi (because you are, as no matter what age you come out, you're new), there's no reason you should. You do what feels good and comfortable and happily exciting. That's what it's supposed to be. Bill and I had nothing more intense than frottage for the first year or so, during which time we began getting a series of tests for HIV etc. THEN we had all kinds of sex, as the relationship had flourished and trust EARNED. In December we celebrate 25 years together.

    As far as your past goes, you simply did the best you could do under rather horrendous psychological circumstances brought about by the environment and society you had to exist in. There's no shame in that, and from the way you described forgiving your wife and understanding her, I think you a rather nice fellow.

    Be you and do YOU. The right kind of guy will come along.
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    Nov 23, 2014 12:54 AM GMT
    It sounds like an anxiety disorder to me, probably not specific to sex. You should do the CBT as it will help you deal with your feelings of anxiety by learning to recognize them and talk yourself through them.
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    Nov 23, 2014 2:50 AM GMT
    i dont know why you would continue to goto a therapist when that individual is not getting you results. Be pro active.

    its hit or miss if a 16+year old can be a consenting partner. Location location; the age of consent varies , i hope you put this in your rear view mirror. Even if not illegal, you got no idea the reaction you might get from the generic parent. Most important is stop the circle of abuse.

    -Therapy is one thing but it will never work if you dont want to re order your life.
    -As a 40year old man you need to shift the blame from your parents onto your self. Forgive those that have harmed you so you can gain control of your life.

    i dont care but best of luck