Unsure and having doubts.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2014 12:11 AM GMT
    I've been seeing this guy since sometime in August.

    He is a little unusual but we have a lot in common. I have been told by many a folk that my taste in men have been strange - so there is no real big surprise. But as of this moment in time I'm not sure where I stand.

    He is the type of person who is seriously married to his work, so seeing each other is sometimes a problem as most often than not our schedules will clash. But the time we do spend together is actually really quite lovely.

    We agreed at the beginning of the relationship that both of us had "extra baggage" so it was important at the start that we were honest and open with each other. However having questionable habits makes me think twice about what kind of things id like to be associated with. As having a bad reputation is more than enough.

    Both of us aren't especially good at keeping in regular contact but this is the first time I've felt attracted towards someone sexually while in a relationship - usually most guys that I've found attractive have been generally hook ups for obvious reasons.

    However generally speaking I think I might want or need different things from him; He reminds me of my father - spending so much time at work he is always stressed - Ultimately he was never around. However I have been known to be silly around blokes and have my doubts.

    I do however see the possibility in him, the possibility of a lovely future as a friend/lover and boyfriend. This is my question - has anyone experienced this? I have never experienced this type of uncertainty with the topics in question before and would like some advice.

  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Oct 10, 2014 5:47 AM GMT
    I have been married to my career for the most part of my life. This has not made me the most popular dude on the block but it did small miracles for me. No one should underestimate the importance of lasting, tangible benefits.

    The dilemma the OP is facing boils down to a simple question: How much should he invest in this relationship?

    The true answer is that no one really knows. You may want to develop a degree of flexibility here. Reach out to your friend/lover, and try to sync your schedules so that you can spend some time together. Make it very clear that you expect him to show some flexibility here, too.

    Soon, you'll have his reaction. He will either agree to make some room for your budding relationship or his actions will show that he won't give in at all.

    It always takes two to tango. If the time he spends with you really does not matter to him, his actions (or lack of them) will show this. If he has a genuine interest in dating, he will show that, too.

    Destiny favors courageous and generous people. Not fools. So, make a step or two, and make sure that he does his bit as well.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2014 11:42 AM GMT
    SilverRRCloud said
    Destiny favors courageous and generous people. Not fools. So, make a step or two, and make sure that he does his bit as well.

    A good point.
    His career motivation is a positive character trait, up to a point. Beyond that point he is not available enough for a real relationship. You have to find where that point lies.
    Make sure he understands how important it is to you to feel that he wants to see you and is willing to make some reasonable amount of time for you. What he does once you've communicated this will tell you all you need to know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2014 2:10 PM GMT
    Careers
    -you may have a fatal attraction to the home life your parents have / had? No need to do this. You can pick and choose the parts you want to keep.
    -a career be over in an afternoon.
    -make it a supportive relationship for both of your guy's careers but still have some time together.
    -always separate most of your home life from work. For example; Co-workers need not know who you are dating or what car you drive. Bring an iPad / iPhone to work, with the wifi off, to work for those personal text, calls, emails and websites.
    -Not the 90's anymore. Get something like a bolehVPN account. Only post generic junk on FB. Use a private email account.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2014 3:01 PM GMT
    Whenever I start having as many questions as you do about a guy I bow out. If this early in a relationship you have "baggage," "doubts," see "questionable habit," "can't seem to keep regular contact" (what?! in the 21st century with iPhones?!), and "might want or need different things," you may want to consider bowing out too before investing too much more in him.

    "I do however see the possibility in him..." I don't look for people with possibilities. I look at people for what they bring to the table as the person they are in the now and not the possibility that maybe one day they will shape up and live up to the possibility that I envision for them or imagine I see in them. That's not fair to them.

    And for those of you putting career before love and relationships, take a walk through any cemetery and see if you find a single tomb stone that says: Loyal employee of ExxonMobil, Beloved employee of Apple, Sadly missed by XYZ Corp. I've yet to find a single solitary one.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Oct 10, 2014 3:30 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidWhenever I start having as many questions as you do about a guy I bow out. If this early in a relationship you have "baggage," "doubts," see "questionable habit," "can't seem to keep regular contact" (what?! in the 21st century with iPhones?!), and "might want or need different things," you may want to consider bowing out too before investing too much more in him.

    "I do however see the possibility in him..." I don't look for people with possibilities. I look at people for what they bring to the table as the person they are in the now and not the possibility that maybe one day they will shape up and live up to the possibility that I envision for them or imagine I see in them. That's not fair to them.

    And for those of you putting career before love and relationships, take a walk through any cemetery and see if you find a single tomb stone that says: Loyal employee of ExxonMobil, Beloved employee of Apple, Sadly missed by XYZ Corp. I've yet to find a single solitary one.


    Some people are more daring when it comes to investing their time and energy into prospective relationships than the others.

    Sadly, people come in packages with all of their baggage. Some of it is actually good. The other bits and pieces may not be so good.

    I strongly doubt that many people build their careers for the most doubtful benefit of being loved, and one day possibly sorely missed by any major corporation. The very few of such guys I have come across soon showed to both themselves and the rest of the world that they were simple, common fools.

    Guys build their careers for the tangible benefits that such careers bring along. It is also very true that some people neither need nor seek such mostly material benefits. We all have our own sets of priorities.

    I was a teenager when I reckoned that you can either sweat it building a career or paying your bills. I chose the former. Absolutely no regrets.

    SC
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4434

    Oct 10, 2014 3:42 PM GMT
    Career is a good thing and working hard a virtue. But.. I've seen as many workaholics as dedicated professionals in my time and I can tell the difference. Workaholics generally aren't that high up the food chain. Most people could do what they do in half the time. They have inflated senses of their importance to the company. They think working crazy hours is a symbol of their dedication. True, some jobs require stupidly long hours. Investment banking at the entry level is an example. Medical internship is another. Start-up entrepreneurs. But if that isn't the case here, and you have family history to haunt you, I'd recommend you talk it out but also be prepared to leave. These people seldom change. That said, if you can get over the family haunt, maybe you'd do well in a minimally demanding relationship. Some people do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2014 5:31 PM GMT
    People often pick a mate whose traits are similar to a parents because that is what they are comfortable with or in order to try to resolve prior problems. Maybe you're attracted to this guy because he is a type you're familiar with and you hope you can now change him unlike when you were a kid. In any event, you probably won't be able to change him so you should ask yourself now what your decision would be (stay or leave) assuming that he will never change.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2014 6:11 PM GMT
    I dunno. I am well aware of both the physiological and psychological issues - I just feel that I didn't agree to be in a relationship just to become more lonely.

    My ex was a bit of a workaholic where we would do trips to places but he would work and I'd just pass the day doing something alone and to pass the time.

    I think I just wanted something different.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2014 6:15 PM GMT
    FoxPrime said...

    I think I just wanted something different.


    Well, there's your answer. I don't think this guy will make you happy. No harm no foul. Just two different people who want different things out of life.

    When you think about it workaholics are a bit selfish. They want a relationship but don't want to invest the time it takes to be in and nurture one, but they expect to you be there during their down time from work when it's convenient for them.

    You say your father was never there for you because work consumed him. You couldn't chose who your parents were but you can choose who you give your time, attention, and love. Don't repeat history.
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    Oct 10, 2014 7:17 PM GMT
    lol
    sorry,but: "reminds me of my dad"...how do you not run, Tom Cruse run???
    The sex must be train wreck good.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2014 7:23 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidlol
    sorry,but: "reminds me of my dad"...how do you not run, Tom Cruse run???
    The sex must be train wreck good.


    We all have our faults am sure u have ur own things to deal with too.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4434

    Oct 10, 2014 7:33 PM GMT
    FoxPrime saidI dunno. I am well aware of both the physiological and psychological issues - I just feel that I didn't agree to be in a relationship just to become more lonely.

    My ex was a bit of a workaholic where we would do trips to places but he would work and I'd just pass the day doing something alone and to pass the time.

    I think I just wanted something different.

    Um... Don't you have a job? Are you living on his income?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2014 10:22 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    FoxPrime saidI dunno. I am well aware of both the physiological and psychological issues - I just feel that I didn't agree to be in a relationship just to become more lonely.

    My ex was a bit of a workaholic where we would do trips to places but he would work and I'd just pass the day doing something alone and to pass the time.

    I think I just wanted something different.

    Um... Don't you have a job? Are you living on his income?


    Being a kept man or woman is the hardest dollar you will ever have to work for. I'm not saying the OP is a kept man but if he is the adage is apropos.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4434

    Oct 10, 2014 10:52 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    Destinharbor said
    FoxPrime saidI dunno. I am well aware of both the physiological and psychological issues - I just feel that I didn't agree to be in a relationship just to become more lonely.

    My ex was a bit of a workaholic where we would do trips to places but he would work and I'd just pass the day doing something alone and to pass the time.

    I think I just wanted something different.

    Um... Don't you have a job? Are you living on his income?


    Being a kept man or woman is the hardest dollar you will ever have to work for. I'm not saying the OP is a kept man but if he is the adage is apropos.

    Ya, but it reminds me of my ex-wife. Constantly complaining because I was always working to earn money while she got bored, bored, bored spending it.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Oct 11, 2014 3:40 AM GMT
    buddy, i have not clue. however, i always say that no matter how important someone's work is to them if they are into you they will let you know. they will make a effort to let you know that they are thinking about you. they will make a effort to let you know that you are the one. if you do not feel that than its probably not the guy. however, that's just my though on relationships. i say just sit back and enjoy the ride. figuratively and literally. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2014 4:43 AM GMT
    it takes two people to want to make an effort to be together. wen u like someone u make time for them no matter how much work they may have. If someone is important there is always time. He might not be the right guy for you.. voice ur concerns to him and see if he is willing to changen make the effort.
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    Oct 11, 2014 6:15 PM GMT
    I sort of had a similar experience with a *friend back in San Francisco. I met him through my ex, for about 4-5 years now. He works like crazy, 7 days a week. He's a VP in a lab or something. Anyway, when my ex and I split, I spent more time with this guy but it was always on his terms. Lol, he scheduled me into his schedule. He always seem stressed out and over-worked. Now, I mentioned to him numerous times that why is he putting up with his job? His answer was simply because he likes it, he has mortgage ...etc. Anyway long story short, I do like him and I do see maybe a potential romantic level but he works too much, he doesn't seem to care about finding a relationship. So I moved on completely now. I think that if you truly want to be in a relationship, you will have to work for it. It doesn't come easy. I, on the other hand, will not do everything 100% one-sided and won't be appreciated in return. There's more to life than just work. I don't think he's the right guy for you. Keep on dating around.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 12, 2014 12:14 PM GMT
    I have a job and a full time student.

    All I meant was that sometimes he would invite me along but not do much together.

    I know people have to work duh but if u invite someone then ud think some time should of been spent together.


  • blueandgold

    Posts: 396

    Oct 13, 2014 12:45 AM GMT
    My flexible is much more flexible than my partner's, so when he takes work trips I try to make myself available when he goes.

    That being said, lol, I have almost no expectation of the amount of time he'll be able to spend with me. Sometimes its almost none... which is cool, hes working. My role in those situations is to mostly be support and be there when I can. During the day I just try to find my own fun, whatever.
  • ClintonsWorld

    Posts: 7

    Oct 13, 2014 5:04 AM GMT
    RESIZED TEXT GOES HERECOLORED TEXT GOES HEREBOLD TEXT GOES HEREI don't mean to be mean but the information you give is vague, you start to tell us something that may be of importance regarding your relationship then pull away and we are not allowed to know so unfortunatly I am unable to comment. icon_question.gif