Dating frustrations, would really like some advice or something

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    Oct 12, 2014 2:03 AM GMT
    Hey all, 21 year old guy here, decent looking, openly gay (to everyone but people at work), have my own place, a car, a blue collar union construction job (I'm a carpentry apprentice), and I'm 26 months clean off of IV drug use.

    I'm having some dating problems, not the fact that I can't meet guys or get laid, but it's the fact that I have a very hard time finding guys who have anything in common with me.

    For instance, I was dating this guy for about 2 months until I broke it off last Monday. He was a really nice, stable, attractive guy and would've make a good boyfriend. But, to be quite honest...I felt inferior to him.
    He was in grad school here in the city, grew up in suburb in Connecticut, came from a nice family, had money, and was very involved in the academic/artsy community.

    On the other hand, I didn't even finish the 8th grade, have a GED, and no one I know closely (i.e. Immediate family and close friends) has even been to college, let alone grad school. I was a heroin addict from age 13-19, and come from a dirt-poor broken home. I've cleaned myself up now and have a very good and successful life and I'm far from dumb, I love to read and learn but college just wasn't a possibility for me (and there are no plans of going in the future either) and it's not like I'm in a dead end job, I love my career and after my apprenticeship ends I can make over 50 bucks an hour. But I'll be honest, I have no formal education, and I am not at all classy..


    So basically I ended it with that guy because I was just embarrassed. The look on his face when he asked where I went to college (as if it is expected or something) and I told him I left school at 14 and got my GED was horrifying.

    I like who I am, I don't want to change, but I want to know where I can find a gay guy who is more like me (aka blue collar , not rich and fancy and artsy).
    Most of the guys I've met like that were DL and only interested in hookups. I work a lot and have other responsibilities so I don't have a lot of time for hobbies and I avoid the club scene because of all the drugs and also because I feel out of place in a setting like that (all the guys dressed up with expensive drinks and techno music and drag queens).

    I had one LTR from age 15-19 with someone I knew since I was a kid but we split up when I got clean and he didn't. But, since then it's just been hook ups and and casual short term dating, I'm ready for a relationship again but I don't wanna have to feel out of place or change myself to meet someone.


    Can I just have some advice? I'm frustrated!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 12, 2014 4:33 AM GMT
    If you don't have problems meeting guys, then what you need to do is wait. Just keep on meeting guys and eventually you will find someone who is, by your definition, your equal. And there's no answer on how long you have to wait. All you can do is be patient and if you fail to do this, then your frustration will only continue to grow.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Oct 12, 2014 5:11 AM GMT
    Congrats on getting control of your life. As a college educated rich guy let me tell you that I greatly admire carpentry and love to visit construction sites where fine detail woodworking is going on. I've even taken time off from work to watch an artist refinish an elaborate staircase in a house I'd bought that needed restoration. Don't focus on what you don't have when speaking to someone like me, stay confident in what you do have and what you're accomplishing. I understand you feel a gulf between your background and someone like me but don't assume we are looking down our collective noses. You obviously write well and express yourself intelligently and that is 99% of what matters. You bring something new to the table. Feel good about it and don't make judgements just because we talk about the things we do know that relate to our experiences. You sound very interesting. Good for you, man.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Oct 12, 2014 5:13 AM GMT
    One other thing... You may be a tad ahead of the maturity curve for an average 21 year old guy because of what you've had to deal with. Give yourself time and you'll find a good guy. Maybe consider older?
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Oct 12, 2014 5:17 AM GMT
    Wow, for a dude who is only 21, you are pretty much set in your ways, aren't you?

    I personally admire carpentry, and find that you are aiming at having a very cool job. That bit is fine.

    You have pulled yourself out of the IV drug habit. Got your GED. That's admirable.

    Now, you want to start getting out of your comfort zone again, and start dating dudes whom you find attractive, whom you love, and who in your judgement make good BF material. Waiting to meet someone who will be meeting all of the above criteria, and will be coming from a shared background can be a very long, frustrating wait. Life is simply too short for this.

    Being in a relationship is a huge exercise in giving and taking. For a dude who pulled himself by his bootstraps this should be an easy go. A postgrad dude may be a bit shocked that you do not have a college degree but you can show him that you have other amazing skills that matter, too. A smart postgrad dude will understand you in 2 seconds flat.

    You will find that you have loads of knowledge and experience to exchange with all kinds of qualified guys. This exchange should give both of you a lift into better, more fulfilled life.

    Why not give yourself another try?

    SC

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    Oct 12, 2014 12:22 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidOne other thing... You may be a tad ahead of the maturity curve for an average 21 year old guy because of what you've had to deal with. Give yourself time and you'll find a good guy. Maybe consider older?

    I don't actually think I'm any more mature than anyone, I have plenty of straight male/female friends around my age and we are all on a similar level. But, I see what you're saying. I'm meeting with a guy I met on okc later this week who's 28 so as long as the guy is attractive/not a weirdo Idc. However, I am not interested in seeing anyone who is around my parents age (my mom is 37 and my dad is 39 - young I know but it's still weird to socialize with people around their age..especially romantically/sexually)

    SilverRRCloud saidWow, for a dude who is only 21, you are pretty much set in your ways, aren't you?

    Bro I don't understand what you mean by that statement, at all.
    I don't particularly think I'm set in my ways at all, I'm flexible and open to change and all that shit. I just think it's stupid to have to change who you are to have to find someone who makes you feel comfortable for being who are you are.
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    Oct 12, 2014 5:08 PM GMT
    jayfromBK93 said... I don't particularly think I'm set in my ways at all, I'm flexible and open to change ...


    for example;
    there are lots of things, established institutions that have been part of us for generations, we might not have thought about. For example ballet is a great art form. if your partner likes this why say anything bad about it?

    another thought;
    you under estimate what you can bring to the table in a house hold. you have to more appreciate your life before dating someone.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Oct 12, 2014 5:11 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said...As a college educated rich guy let me tell you that I greatly admire carpentry... I've even taken time off from work to watch an artist refinish an elaborate staircase in a house I'd bought that needed restoration. Don't focus on what you don't have when speaking to someone like me, stay confident in what you do have and what you're accomplishing. I understand you feel a gulf between your background and someone like me ...


    Destinharbor saidOne other thing... You may be a tad ahead of the maturity curve for an average 21 year old guy because of what you've had to deal with. Give yourself time and you'll find a good guy. Maybe consider older?


    Lol yikes
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    Oct 12, 2014 6:37 PM GMT
    pellaz said
    jayfromBK93 said... I don't particularly think I'm set in my ways at all, I'm flexible and open to change ...


    for example;
    there are lots of things, established institutions that have been part of us for generations, we might not have thought about. For example ballet is a great art form. if your partner likes this why say anything bad about it?

    another thought;
    you under estimate what you can bring to the table in a house hold. you have to more appreciate your life before dating someone.



    What does ballet have to do with this? Even though if a dude is into ballet than he's probably not the guy for me. He's probably all artsy and fancy and shit and I just can't deal with that all. It's just not what normal people (normal as in - types of people that are familiar to me, which is what I want) are into.
    If someone said "wanna go see a ballet?" To me I would probably be unable to not laugh uncontrollably and say "bro wtf??"

    I do appreciate my life however I don't wanna be in a position where I feel like white-trash or something compared to the guy I'm dating, so I'm asking where can I find gay guys that aren't all decayed and fancy and are just normal dudes?

    pazzy said
    whytehot said
    Destinharbor said...As a college educated rich guy let me tell you that I greatly admire carpentry... I've even taken time off from work to watch an artist refinish an elaborate staircase in a house I'd bought that needed restoration. Don't focus on what you don't have when speaking to someone like me, stay confident in what you do have and what you're accomplishing. I understand you feel a gulf between your background and someone like me ...


    Destinharbor saidOne other thing... You may be a tad ahead of the maturity curve for an average 21 year old guy because of what you've had to deal with. Give yourself time and you'll find a good guy. Maybe consider older?


    Lol yikes



    i know right... icon_lol.gif

    I noticed that, but didn't say anything.
    You can send me money via Western Union if you'd like, bro.
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    Oct 12, 2014 6:48 PM GMT
    I think that I've realized that outside of sexual attraction. I have nothing in common with gay men and get uncomfortable around them because most of then just come from a different world than me.

    I vibe well with my straight guy friends. They don't get bothered if I curse like a sailor and wear sweatpants everywhere and am not all buttoned up and prissy. They don't get surprised and disgusted when they ask how my day was and I mention that I spoke to my cousin who is in prison on the phone today. Or doesn't have stupid conversations about meaningless things like literature/art/philosophy. Someone that isn't horrified by someone who would dare to scratch their balls or curse in public, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO. I would like to meet a guy that's like the friends I have, except...gay.
    Know what I'm saying???
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    Oct 12, 2014 6:54 PM GMT
    [quote]

    the sad thing is i bet he thought he was really helping too with what he said. icon_lol.gif oh dear. [/quote]

    It's bizarre to me that people who can take off work to watch someone refinish a staircase in a house that they'd bought actually exist...


    See, it's a completely different world for me. I don't understand how someone could afford to BUY a house...everyone I know rents an apartment..it just weird to me.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Oct 12, 2014 8:18 PM GMT
    Hey guys, I'm taken. No ulterior motive. I just get tired of the reverse prejudice about guys who have some cash. The OP was feeling disconnected from college educated guys with money and I suggested that he shouldn't. That our values are not necessarily screwed up. Spazzy can't even find the top of the basement stairs in his mama's house to lose his virginity or get a job so the fact that he blames everyone around him for his inadequacies isn't my fault. Not every guy with coin is a Republican with screwed up values just like not every Republican has coin (though they are truly insane). The OP has overcome a lot in his short 21 years and most guys his age haven't had to grow up so fast. Thus the older suggestion. You guys need to lose your prejudices.
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    Oct 13, 2014 10:01 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidHey guys, I'm taken. No ulterior motive. I just get tired of the reverse prejudice about guys who have some cash. The OP was feeling disconnected from college educated guys with money and I suggested that he shouldn't. That our values are not necessarily screwed up. Spazzy can't even find the top of the basement stairs in his mama's house to lose his virginity or get a job so the fact that he blames everyone around him for his inadequacies isn't my fault. Not every guy with coin is a Republican with screwed up values just like not every Republican has coin (though they are truly insane). The OP has overcome a lot in his short 21 years and most guys his age haven't had to grow up so fast. Thus the older suggestion. You guys need to lose your prejudices.


    Bro that wasn't what I was asking for. I'm not really interested in college "educated" or "classy" guys. Our values and backgrounds are different, and long term I'm not interested in being with a "professional guy" or a "small business owner" etc. again, nothing in common. Is this professional college educated business owner dude gonna feel comfortable coming to my family's house for thanksgiving while my relatives get plastered, fight and rant about how black people are ruining this country while my brother brags to him about not paying child support or my aunt gets drunk and tries to sleep with him? No. Unlike someone who had a lower class/not so fancy upbringing, they won't be used to that because their families probably say grace and talk about the stock market, they'll run for the hills and although that situation that I just described is unfortunate, it's my life and the reality of my family and I am not gonna abandon them so I can bag me a Harvard boy.
    My questions was where can I meet blue collar not rich or girly gay dudes..
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    Oct 13, 2014 3:42 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidOne other thing... You may be a tad ahead of the maturity curve for an average 21 year old guy because of what you've had to deal with. Give yourself time and you'll find a good guy. Maybe consider older?


    You perv. Why should he consider older. Listen up OP. Do not consider older. Older just want to use you to make themselves feel attractive. If you are going to go the older route. Make sure you get lots of gifts.
    Consider someone your own age.
  • smegnificient

    Posts: 265

    Oct 14, 2014 3:49 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidHey guys, I'm taken. No ulterior motive...


    Uh huh.. is that why your profile says

    "looking for hookup"

    and

    "monogamous but haven't always been and that may change. Nothing cut in stone. Always enjoy the company of men. "

    LOL
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Oct 14, 2014 4:43 AM GMT
    You guys are sick. Older don't necessarily mean my age or me. As the OP said, 28 is older and he's interested. I get why he's put off by guys his age because of few common interests and background. Though judging from these childish responses, I can certainly understand why. Grow up, little boys (or if you haven't the mental capacity, at least learn to shut up). If you read (if you can read and comprehend), he broke it off with a perfectly nice guy because he felt inferior because of background and education. My point was simply that he shouldn't close off entire groups of people because he sees that difference, that not all guys like that are going to judge him badly. My advice, revised, is that he should avoid childish, simple minded ignorant slackers like you.
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    Oct 15, 2014 4:04 AM GMT
    JuanPablomv89 saidWhat kind of boyfriend is your friend?


    What do you mean by that?
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    Oct 15, 2014 4:33 AM GMT
    JuanPablomv89 said
    jayfromBK93 said
    JuanPablomv89 saidWhat kind of boyfriend is your friend?


    What do you mean by that?


    I dont know, you tell me


    Ok, you're cryptic. When you say my friend, who are you talking about? My ex?
    If so, our relationship wasn't your typical relationship, it was like we were best buddies, and basically acted like two straight guys who are really close best friends. Never called each other "baby" or "honey" or "sweetie" always "bro" or "dude" or "n*gga". If if weren't for the fact that we were open about being in couple, and would basically publicly molest each other while under the influence...if you just saw us at the mall or the store you would think we were just two best buddies.

    The other guy I dated recently was nice, but too classy and...gay acting. He wasn't femme at all but he didn't just act like your average "dude". And that's what I like.

    I'm drawn to guys that don't dress particularly nice, scratch their balls in public, and will ask the waitress at the restaurant " so where the f**k is my pasta already?" and then suggest we run out on the bill. Lower class guys are what I grew up around, and they're the archetype of normal guys for me because they're what's familiar. I'd actually be much more comfortable on a date at a sizzler or something where the guy is telling me about how his license is suspended or the fight he got into last week as opposed to a fancy restaurant where the guy is discussing the vacation he just took in Italy or how he went to a fundraiser to end animal cruelty. It's not even a " bad boy" thing, that's just what a normal, average guy is to me. That's like all the guys I knew (and wanted) in my neighborhood/jr. high school growing up were like and it's comfortable and attractive for me.
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    Oct 15, 2014 4:38 AM GMT
    If any of you watch that show Shameless on Showtime, think of the gay couple " Mickey and Ian", that's what our relationship was like and I know I can duplicate it because people are different obviously...
    But that's the kind of relationship, and those are the type of guys that I am drawn too and desire.
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    Oct 15, 2014 4:49 AM GMT
    whytehot said
    Destinharbor said...As a college educated rich guy let me tell you that I greatly admire carpentry... I've even taken time off from work to watch an artist refinish an elaborate staircase in a house I'd bought that needed restoration. Don't focus on what you don't have when speaking to someone like me, stay confident in what you do have and what you're accomplishing. I understand you feel a gulf between your background and someone like me ...


    Destinharbor saidOne other thing... You may be a tad ahead of the maturity curve for an average 21 year old guy because of what you've had to deal with. Give yourself time and you'll find a good guy. Maybe consider older?


    Lol yikes



    That was seriously creepy. icon_eek.gif
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    Oct 18, 2014 12:12 AM GMT
    Hey TC, this seems like an interesting discussion (attempts to derail it notwithstanding).

    Your situation seems like a classic "If you keep doing the same thing, you're going to get the same results" scenario. I know you said that you don't have a lot of time, between work and other responsibilities; that sucks. On the other hand, if you don't make any changes, you're going to keep meeting the same people and none of them are boyfriend material, so that's not really helping you.

    To be clear, there's NO REASON for you to go to clubbing, go to the theater, etc. You're looking for a boyfriend who likes the same activities and environment as you do; going to an activity which you don't enjoy to find other people who don't enjoy it isn't an effective tactic. Instead, use what little time you do have to keep up with the activities that you do enjoy, just with a different group of people.

    Additionally, you seem to have an active social life and your friends and family seem pretty cool with you being gay. Leverage that. Ask them for introductions or just hang out with friends of friends. Meet new people and see if connect with any of them.

    That's my two cents; I hope there's something helpful here or elsewhere. Good luck.

    P.S. - Gay men are literally (yes, I'm using that word correctly) everywhere and we come from all backgrounds. Like you. Or like me. Or like anyone, anywhere. Not all gay men are college-educated, artsy, rich, and nicely dressed. Just something to keep in mind. Rant over.
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    Oct 18, 2014 5:35 AM GMT
    deiscire saidHey TC, this seems like an interesting discussion (attempts to derail it notwithstanding).

    Your situation seems like a classic "If you keep doing the same thing, you're going to get the same results" scenario. I know you said that you don't have a lot of time, between work and other responsibilities; that sucks. On the other hand, if you don't make any changes, you're going to keep meeting the same people and none of them are boyfriend material, so that's not really helping you.

    To be clear, there's NO REASON for you to go to clubbing, go to the theater, etc. You're looking for a boyfriend who likes the same activities and environment as you do; going to an activity which you don't enjoy to find other people who don't enjoy it isn't an effective tactic. Instead, use what little time you do have to keep up with the activities that you do enjoy, just with a different group of people.

    Additionally, you seem to have an active social life and your friends and family seem pretty cool with you being gay. Leverage that. Ask them for introductions or just hang out with friends of friends. Meet new people and see if connect with any of them.

    That's my two cents; I hope there's something helpful here or elsewhere. Good luck.

    P.S. - Gay men are literally (yes, I'm using that word correctly) everywhere and we come from all backgrounds. Like you. Or like me. Or like anyone, anywhere. Not all gay men are college-educated, artsy, rich, and nicely dressed. Just something to keep in mind. Rant over.



    Hey buddy! Thank you for the helpful advice. The off topic discussion in this thread is a lot of my problem with gay dudes in general, queeny/bitchy/gossipy...not just normal guys who happen to be attracted to other guys, which is what I'd like.

    I actually took some initiative before you posted and joined a meetup group for "gay punk music fans under 30" lol hopefully I'll meet some cool guys.

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    Oct 19, 2014 4:44 PM GMT
    jayfromBK93 saidHey buddy! Thank you for the helpful advice...



    You're welcome! Also, MeetUp is a great site (I totally forgot to suggest it); I've definitely found new friends on there. Good luck!
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    Oct 23, 2014 1:10 AM GMT
    kevex said
    whytehot said
    Destinharbor said...As a college educated rich guy let me tell you that I greatly admire carpentry... I've even taken time off from work to watch an artist refinish an elaborate staircase in a house I'd bought that needed restoration. Don't focus on what you don't have when speaking to someone like me, stay confident in what you do have and what you're accomplishing. I understand you feel a gulf between your background and someone like me ...


    Destinharbor saidOne other thing... You may be a tad ahead of the maturity curve for an average 21 year old guy because of what you've had to deal with. Give yourself time and you'll find a good guy. Maybe consider older?


    Lol yikes



    That was seriously creepy. icon_eek.gif


    Lol RJ is all about propositioning disguised as advice
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    Oct 23, 2014 5:20 AM GMT
    I think you guys are reading too much in the wrong direction on that harbor guys advice. I think it was actually good advice. he was basically saying not all well off guys are snobby or as far removed from the average guy or even a guy that has had a not so fortunate life financially. Think the rich guy on pretty woman who picked up julia roberts who was rich but was still a great guy. The OP sounds like he is describing dating a carlton like character off fresh prince, he just doesn`t have a lot in common with that kind of dude. I like sophisticated men, but snootiness is a big turn off for me. I even like average dudes because they are easy to get along with. I mostly go for older men because of their maturity. maybe you would consider daddyhunt.com, its a different crowd than even here (not dissing this place =`ve been reading these forums since 2005 but posted little). I just fit in more with that dating website than here but there are plenty of guys on there in your age range who like older men as well as men their own age.