In love with an unloved!?

  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Oct 18, 2014 12:57 AM GMT
    It is sad to see how many people (gay, straight, or anything in between) are so quick at getting in your pants, especially if one of them is already in a relationship; but the last thing, if they ever felt it, is being interested in the person's emotional well being, much less the possibility for something more.

    I am currently friends with someone whose relationship is on the rocks, and even thou I can sense a mutual sexual attraction between us, I dare not cross that line. I will never be sexually interested in someone who is already in a relationship, out of respect for the unaware significant other.

    I love this guy. He is everything I want in a partner. But damm it can be very frustrating to be friends with someone you know to have feelings for be in a toxic relationship, and see him slowly deteriorating/changing from being sweet and affectionate to being bittered and practically helpless, because his partner is not putting his fair share, both emotionally and sexually, into the relationship.

    It will be interesting to see how you will handle a similar situation!?
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    Oct 18, 2014 1:14 AM GMT
    On the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation affection, or intimacy from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.
    So be glad he isn't me and completely falling apart as a human being. Basically what I'm saying is that he may be even worse off out of the relationship.
  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1149

    Oct 18, 2014 1:17 AM GMT
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    If it helps, I like what you've written a few times.
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    Oct 18, 2014 1:18 AM GMT
    Unnamed6 said
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    If it helps, I like what you've written a few times.
    Not really. I'm still taking a dangerous combination of pills and hoping it kills me.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Oct 18, 2014 1:29 AM GMT
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    True! but believe me being emotionally available to a good friend you have feelings for, but who is not getting any kind of affirmation from his partner, and then seeing him not getting what he so deserves, when I could is frustration to say the least! sometimes I wish his break up and let go of his boyfriend, but that would be selfish on my part, I think!?
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Oct 18, 2014 1:33 AM GMT
    teroh said
    Unnamed6 said
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    If it helps, I like what you've written a few times.
    Not really. I'm still taking a dangerous combination of pills and hoping it kills me.


    Teroh I appreciate your comment very much; you are very insightful, thank you!
  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1149

    Oct 18, 2014 1:35 AM GMT
    teroh said
    Unnamed6 said
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    If it helps, I like what you've written a few times.
    Not really. I'm still taking a dangerous combination of pills and hoping it kills me.


    I'm not one to dish out cheap and insincere compliments just to stave off things like suicide even. And though I've never as much had a physical attraction to you (or almost everyone else here for that matter), I did reserve a special level of enjoyment when it came to your writing, enough that I wish to befriend you. I don't want to put in the effort to befriend you at the moment though, but you are guaranteed my friendship at a later date. Once I'm able to deal with my procrastination (I'm worse than Hitler these days, the ultimate procrastinator among infamous men), I may be in a position to patronize you as well. Do you also want to be an American citizen? Maybe I'll get to arrange that as well in 10 years.
  • jockdude

    Posts: 93

    Oct 18, 2014 2:00 AM GMT
    teroh saidNot really. I'm still taking a dangerous combination of pills and hoping it kills me.
    I sent you a private message just now, please check it. icon_sad.gif
  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1149

    Oct 18, 2014 2:05 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    True! but believe me being emotionally available to a good friend you have feelings for, but who is not getting any kind of affirmation from his partner, and then seeing him not getting what he so deserves, when I could is frustration to say the least! sometimes I wish his break up and let go of his boyfriend, but that would be selfish on my part, I think!?


    I may be wrong, but I believe the context of the "open marriage" began with the idea that women and men, but women specifically, could get emotional and social support from people that are not their husbands. Given that divorce was more rarer than it is today, it was one way to help people cope and compensate for intimate issues. So a woman could still have emotional well being even if her husband was a jerk, or for that matter physically and emotionally abusive. Sadly though, gay men have constructed their emotional security with being physically wanted, and if no one physically wants them, or physically wants them only temporarily, they might get depressed. As it is, it's very difficult for most people to have emotional security on their own, let alone gay men, but by continuously indicating your genuine appreciation and love for this person it may eventually compensate for his emotional insecurity. This person is generally powerless to handle or rectify his own situation and mental issues (he wouldn't have issues, or an inability to handle his boyfriend if he wasn't generally powerless), but hopefully your friendship and selfless devotion to him over time will go a long way in helping him get better.
  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1149

    Oct 18, 2014 3:08 AM GMT
    teroh said
    Unnamed6 said
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    If it helps, I like what you've written a few times.
    Not really. I'm still taking a dangerous combination of pills and hoping it kills me.


    It's been more than an hour now. Have you staved off the suicidal thoughts? I've come to see suicidal thoughts and wishes, as a phenomenon of having a suicidal mental state that then allows for suicidal thoughts to occur. That suicidal mental state occurs because certain neuroreceptors, whatever they are, are currently activated and are not diminishing any time soon. The reason why you might want to be loved then, and have that feeling of being physically wanted, is that you sense, and perhaps unconsciously so, that it will completely overwhelm such neuroreceptors, deactivate them and turn new ones on that will finally make you free from this mental state. The "best drug" for you may then seem to come in a 5 to 7 feet form, but it will be something that will be very hard to come by... I suspect pharmaceutical drugs, unless your talking about narcotics, are likely to be too unspecific for you at targeting, diminishing or activating these various neuroreptors. While therapy can take too long to address this issue, you might be able to have your mind realigned in such a way from it that you can finally process the mental state better and try to diminish it on your own, or at least remind yourself what you need to do in order to handle it. Time might have a way of fixing things as well, and not having things register as painful anymore. I suggest you don't try things like promiscuity or hooking onto a person immediately once they show interest in you as a quick fix... Remind me Teroh, do you have any reliable and meaningful friendship in your life at the moment?
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Oct 18, 2014 3:37 AM GMT
    Unnamed6 said
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    True! but believe me being emotionally available to a good friend you have feelings for, but who is not getting any kind of affirmation from his partner, and then seeing him not getting what he so deserves, when I could is frustration to say the least! sometimes I wish his break up and let go of his boyfriend, but that would be selfish on my part, I think!?


    I may be wrong, but I believe the context of the "open marriage" began with the idea that women and men, but women specifically, could get emotional and social support from people that are not their husbands. Given that divorce was more rarer than it is today, it was one way to help people cope and compensate for intimate issues. So a woman could still have emotional well being even if her husband was a jerk, or for that matter physically and emotionally abusive. Sadly though, gay men have constructed their emotional security with being physically wanted, and if no one physically wants them, or physically wants them only temporarily, they might get depressed. As it is, it's very difficult for most people to have emotional security on their own, let alone gay men, but by continuously indicating your genuine appreciation and love for this person it may eventually compensate for his emotional insecurity. This person is generally powerless to handle or rectify his own situation and mental issues (he wouldn't have issues, or an inability to handle his boyfriend if he wasn't generally powerless), but hopefully your friendship and selfless devotion to him over time will go a long way in helping him get better.


    Wow! Unnamed6 thank you so much for your encouraging words, I really appreciate it! unfortunately his boyfriend was diagnosed with having Diabetes over a year and half ago! It is my understanding that it can affect one's sexual drive? but I know people with Type 2 Diabetes who have normal sex drive, as long as they take their medication, watch what they eat, and so do live perfectly normal lives. The boyfriend doesn't even want to do any outdoor activities together with my friend as they once use to, and he being a professional cook is not necessarily helping him with a healthier eating habit.

    Anyway all of this is beginning to affect my friend's overall disposition, to a point that he is is getting frustrated with not getting what is expected in a relationship.

    Oh, I forgot to add that there is an ever increasing sexual tension between my friend and I! I don't feel comfortable giving in because that would put him in a cheating situation, and I of course would feel like an accomplice!
  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1149

    Oct 18, 2014 4:05 AM GMT
    Hmm what happened to Teroh?
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    Oct 18, 2014 4:14 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    teroh said
    Unnamed6 said
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    If it helps, I like what you've written a few times.
    Not really. I'm still taking a dangerous combination of pills and hoping it kills me.


    Teroh I appreciate your comment very much; you are very insightful, thank you!


    You appreciate that he's suicidal???
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Oct 18, 2014 4:22 AM GMT
    Unnamed6 saidHmm what happened to Teroh?


    Lets just hope someone close to him checks up on him from time to time!
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Oct 18, 2014 4:30 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    teroh said
    Unnamed6 said
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    If it helps, I like what you've written a few times.
    Not really. I'm still taking a dangerous combination of pills and hoping it kills me.


    Teroh I appreciate your comment very much; you are very insightful, thank you!


    You appreciate that he's suicidal???


    Not at all! when people are in that state of mind, everything they expressed should be dealt with much thought and sensitivity, not criticized or look down upon! maybe that is just me? but if he was really suicidal, the best advise and one that most people in that situation need to hear, is giving them a sense of self worth! and the main reason for depression have its roots from the lack of that!
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    Oct 18, 2014 11:46 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    True! but believe me being emotionally available to a good friend you have feelings for, but who is not getting any kind of affirmation from his partner, and then seeing him not getting what he so deserves, when I could is frustration to say the least! sometimes I wish his break up and let go of his boyfriend, but that would be selfish on my part, I think!?

    Hi Leandro. Sounds like you are well-intentioned, but you really need to put the brakes on your feelings for your friend. I have been in his position -- relationship on the rocks and "loving friends" hoping things would fall apart so that they can pounce on an opportunity. When people have done that to me -- and it is more obvious than you might think -- I have felt even more alone and betrayed. It's as if not only did my boyfriend of the time let me down in the name of selfishness, so did my trusting friends.

    The best thing you can do is to put your longings for this individual aside. Resolve yourself to the fact you will probably never be in a physical relationship with your friend, and that the best thing for your own emotional health is to let it go. If you are a good friend you will be there for him during this difficult time, and leave it at that.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Oct 18, 2014 12:24 PM GMT
    Nivek said
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    True! but believe me being emotionally available to a good friend you have feelings for, but who is not getting any kind of affirmation from his partner, and then seeing him not getting what he so deserves, when I could is frustration to say the least! sometimes I wish his break up and let go of his boyfriend, but that would be selfish on my part, I think!?

    Hi Leandro. Sounds like you are well-intentioned, but you really need to put the brakes on your feelings for your friend. I have been in his position -- relationship on the rocks and "loving friends" hoping things would fall apart so that they can pounce on an opportunity. When people have done that to me -- and it is more obvious than you might think -- I have felt even more alone and betrayed. It's as if not only did my boyfriend of the time let me down in the name of selfishness, so did my trusting friends.

    The best thing you can do is to put your longings for this individual aside. Resolve yourself to the fact you will probably never be in a physical relationship with your friend, and that the best thing for your own emotional health is to let it go. If you are a good friend you will be there for him during this difficult time, and leave it at that.


    Thank you Nivek! I have feelings for him and I am sure he towards me! he have tried on several occasions coming on to me, but I have held back on my fear of being a home wrecker. I've already told him he needs to come with some sort of resolution on his own, and not resort looking for what lacks in his relationship with someone else, or without his partner's knowledge.

    Having said all that, I was also in that predicament with a previous relationship, and while it took him a while to make a decision in an already crumbling relationship, I must admit that if it wasn't for a friend's unconditional love and his constant monitoring of my mental well being, I would probably still be in that toxic relationship.Thank you again for your input!
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    Oct 18, 2014 2:53 PM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ saidIt is sad to see how many people (gay, straight, or anything in between) are so quick at getting in your pants, especially if one of them is already in a relationship; but the last thing, if they ever felt it, is being interested in the person's emotional well being, much less the possibility for something more.

    I am currently friends with someone whose relationship is on the rocks, and even thou I can sense a mutual sexual attraction between us, I dare not cross that line. I will never be sexually interested in someone who is already in a relationship, out of respect for the unaware significant other.

    I love this guy. He is everything I want in a partner. But damm it can be very frustrating to be friends with someone you know to have feelings for be in a toxic relationship, and see him slowly deteriorating/changing from being sweet and affectionate to being bittered and practically helpless, because his partner is not putting his fair share, both emotionally and sexually, into the relationship.

    It will be interesting to see how you will handle a similar situation!?


    I'm not reading:

    1) why there is a difficulty presenting your friend an alternative

    2) how long you are willing to wait for him to divorce himself from a toxic relationship
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    Oct 18, 2014 3:21 PM GMT
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation affection, or intimacy from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.
    So be glad he isn't me and completely falling apart as a human being. Basically what I'm saying is that he may be even worse off out of the relationship.


    teroh,

    I probably blocked you and ignored your posts for one reason or another or you probably did the same to me for one reason or another.

    I tried to do an advanced find for you by typing in teroh but couldn't find you.

    I tried to look for you on the long list of people I've blocked and ignored but the list isn't alphabetical.

    But you say you're completely falling apart as a human being.

    So, you can look to a combination of Western Astrology, Chinese Astrology, and Astro-Carto-Graphy. Getting a good view of the infrastructure of your lifehood definitely can help.

    Oh, my life has had moments of falling apart:

    1) a Jupiter placement contributed to my doing something heroic had a cost of almost completely falling apart

    2) being a New York independent and then moving to Texas contributed to my almost completely falling apart

    3) having a Sun sign ruled by Venus and living on a Venus line but then moving to a Saturn line contributed to me going from a place a strength to a place of 50% weakened in life

    You can also look to St. Jude:

    Here's his prayer

    O most holy apostle, Saint Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honoureth and invoketh thee universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, and of things almost despaired of.

    Pray for me, who am so miserable. Make use, I implore thee, of that particular privilege accorded to thee, to bring visible and speedy help where help was almost despaired of.

    Come to mine assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolation and succor of Heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly (here make your request) and that I may praise God with thee and all the elect throughout eternity.

    I promise thee, O blessed Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favour, to always honour thee as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to thee.

    Amen.

    You can also look to St. Michael, if something other than yourself is bringing you to ruin. Here is his prayer (short version). I've changed it slightly to be more encompassing.

    Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle, be our protection against the malice and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him we humbly pray; and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan and all which is in the world for the ruin of souls. Amen.

    Finally, give yourself to Jesus, which simply means gives yourself over to being saved (from despair and ruin, yes, but whatever more).
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    Oct 18, 2014 3:23 PM GMT
    teroh said
    Unnamed6 said
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.


    If it helps, I like what you've written a few times.
    Not really. I'm still taking a dangerous combination of pills and hoping it kills me.


    Really?

    Eff.
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    Oct 18, 2014 3:24 PM GMT
    No way we can get to him? !
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Oct 18, 2014 3:38 PM GMT
    StephenOABC said
    teroh saidOn the other hand, being single, and having absolutely no affirmation affection, or intimacy from others in any real, tangible form, can be equally detrimental to your well-being.
    So be glad he isn't me and completely falling apart as a human being. Basically what I'm saying is that he may be even worse off out of the relationship.


    teroh,

    I probably blocked you and ignored your posts for one reason or another or you probably did the same to me for one reason or another.

    I tried to do an advanced find for you by typing in teroh but couldn't find you.

    I tried to look for you on the long list of people I've blocked and ignored but the list isn't alphabetical.

    But you say you're completely falling apart as a human being.

    So, you can look to a combination of Western Astrology, Chinese Astrology, and Astro-Carto-Graphy. Getting a good view of the infrastructure of your lifehood definitely can help.

    Oh, my life has had moments of falling apart:

    1) a Jupiter placement contributed to my doing something heroic had a cost of almost completely falling apart

    2) being a New York independent and then moving to Texas contributed to my almost completely falling apart

    3) having a Sun sign ruled by Venus and living on a Venus line but then moving to a Saturn line contributed to me going from a place a strength to a place of 50% weakened in life

    You can also look to St. Jude:

    Here's his prayer

    O most holy apostle, Saint Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honoureth and invoketh thee universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, and of things almost despaired of.

    Pray for me, who am so miserable. Make use, I implore thee, of that particular privilege accorded to thee, to bring visible and speedy help where help was almost despaired of.

    Come to mine assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolation and succor of Heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly (here make your request) and that I may praise God with thee and all the elect throughout eternity.

    I promise thee, O blessed Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favour, to always honour thee as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to thee.

    Amen.

    You can also look to St. Michael, if something other than yourself is bringing you to ruin. Here is his prayer (short version). I've changed it slightly to be more encompassing.

    Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle, be our protection against the malice and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him we humbly pray; and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan and all which is in the world for the ruin of souls. Amen.

    Finally, give yourself to Jesus, which simply means gives yourself over to being saved (from despair and ruin, yes, but whatever more).


    Just pay attention to the highlighted in black statement Teroh made! I agree with him that company vs loneliness is a much better option to people who are suffering from depression; which incidentally that is what my friend's partner is suffering from, and what my friend feels helpless in what to do!?

    The better option when neither one in the relationship don't know how to handle it is to immediately seek professional help. While religion may serve as a mental blockage/placebo, in my opinion it is not what a deeply depressed person needs, as religion for the most part seems to always reject the reality of a problem!
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    Oct 18, 2014 3:54 PM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ

    I agree with him that company vs loneliness is a much better option to people who are suffering from depression; which incidentally that is what my friend's partner is suffering from, and what my friend feels helpless in what to do!?


    StephenOABC

    Depression is

    a view, a perspective of weakness which says, "my strength is depressed."

    Asking for help is empowering.

    If the depressed person can ask for help that is an incremental step in psychological helplessness due to a depression so weakening there is an unconsciousness to life.

    Second, Astrological phenomena definitely inflates, maintains, or depresses one's life.

    Leandro_NJ

    The better option when neither one in the relationship don't know how to handle it is to immediately seek professional help.

    StephenOABC

    I agree.

    Leandro_NJ

    While religion may serve as a mental blockage/placebo, in my opinion it is not what a deeply depressed person needs, as religion for the most part seems to always reject the reality of a problem!

    StephenOABC

    Religion is a mental blockage, placebo, but it is also more.

    It is not something a deeply depressed person does not need.

    The reality is the depression. The "fantasy" is that that reality will change, a healing, and the person will gradually return to a functioning strength.

    In teroh's case, he needed a stronger interpersonal/societal strength.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Oct 18, 2014 4:50 PM GMT
    StephenOABC saidLEANDRO_NJ

    I agree with him that company vs loneliness is a much better option to people who are suffering from depression; which incidentally that is what my friend's partner is suffering from, and what my friend feels helpless in what to do!?


    StephenOABC

    Depression is

    a view, a perspective of weakness which says, "my strength is depressed."

    Asking for help is empowering.

    If the depressed person can ask for help that is an incremental step in psychological helplessness due to a depression so weakening there is an unconsciousness to life.

    Second, Astrological phenomena definitely inflates, maintains, or depresses one's life.

    Leandro_NJ

    The better option when neither one in the relationship don't know how to handle it is to immediately seek professional help.

    StephenOABC

    I agree.

    Leandro_NJ

    While religion may serve as a mental blockage/placebo, in my opinion it is not what a deeply depressed person needs, as religion for the most part seems to always reject the reality of a problem!

    StephenOABC

    Religion is a mental blockage, placebo, but it is also more.

    It is not something a deeply depressed person does not need.

    The reality is the depression. The "fantasy" is that that reality will change, a healing, and the person will gradually return to a functioning strength.

    In teroh's case, he needed a stronger interpersonal/societal streng
    th.



    Wow StephenOABC!

    That was a beautiful and thoughtful breakdown of my replies! thank you!

    I agree! fantasy or a longing, as I interpreted is a feeling that is always there; tangible only to the abstract places of the mind! religion: a kind of hybrid roots of philosophy, if given a chance it can help one spread out to deeper grounds of the human psyche!
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    Oct 20, 2014 4:11 PM GMT
    You don't have to "cross that line" with your friend but you can be there for him and help him pick up the pieces when his "relationship" crumbles. You can also help that process along if the relationship is truly toxic for him by discussing what you are witnessing and expressing concern for his deterioration. I could never sit idly by while a friend suffers.

    Yes, some people will say stay out of it - that you will come out with the short end of the stick and lose his friendship. I, on the other hand, would rather risk losing a friend than sit back and watch them "deteriorate." I would love a friend enough to risk losing them. That is love.