Any advice or experience with ADHD

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    Oct 19, 2014 1:45 AM GMT
    Just curious. My partner of quite honestly the past decade has ADHD. He's a real cool guy and, to b honest, I'm really not in to other people; just sort of him. But sometimes his ADHD can get out of hand. I've never thought about breaking up or ending the relationship or anything like that, nor do I really feel scorned if he's focusing time on hobbies and the like; I like my alone time to work on my own hobbies. Rather, I feel like when he is having exceptionally bad episodes I sort of feel more like a parent than a partner? Does that make sense?

    Both our parents are alive, and we're close to each of our families even though his does not know we are/have been in a relationship. At least, he has never told them. But that does not bother me at all. The issue is that in the past three years of us living together on our own, It's been a sort of parent/child relationship and at times I feel odd about it. I'm two years older than him and have a higher level of education, we both have good jobs and make about the same. He's rather 'masculine', if you would call that, more so than me, I'm pretty much a neuter, but we're very much equal in our relationship, day to day.

    Actually, I forgot where I was going with this because I got up to clean something and don't want to take the time to reread or gather my thoughts about this. But just wondering if anyone else has experience with this sort of thing?
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    Oct 19, 2014 3:57 AM GMT
    Is he on medication? If not, he should be.
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    Oct 19, 2014 4:09 AM GMT
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    This book can change his life. In fact, it can change anyone's life if they put it into practice. Love this book.
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    Oct 19, 2014 4:32 AM GMT
    Jerrsei said
    ...I feel like when he is having exceptionally bad episodes I sort of feel more like a parent than a partner? Does that make sense?

    Perfect sense, because I was the parent of an HDHD child when he was growing up.

    I recognized he was having problems that neither I nor his mother could properly understand or handle on our own. So I took him to a top-rated pediatrician with an additional PhD in child psychology.

    The diagnosis of ADHD was formally made. This doctor then briefed my wife & me about how to best handle this. He gave us strategies we hadn't known about, things to do, things to avoid doing with him.

    We talked about medications like Ritalin, although we had heard bad things about it and were adverse to the idea. The doctor explained that what Ritalin did was make a hyperactive child become briefly even more so, until they basically burnt out and became calm again. (Using layman's terms)

    But he said ordinary coffee often could provide the same effect, and to try it first before we resorted to Ritalin. We did, and it worked like a charm.

    To the point that our son, when he began to recognize his episodes, would say to me: "Dad, I think I need a cup of coffee." We never had to use any meds with him.

    Based on this experience, I might suggest you have a professional counsel you on how to handle this. Preferably one who has seen your partner. Offering you suggestions custom-tailored to your partner's condition, not to how my son was evaluated at his young age. My giving you the specifics about my son's therapy, including the use of coffee, might not apply to your partner.

    But the key for me was seeking the advice of a qualified professional. Then the condition became manageable. Not always easy, but at least better understood and with a plan of action I could follow with confidence. I recommend you do something similar if feasible.

    BTW, my son (actually both of them) is brilliant, virtually a genius. ADHD is not an intellectual defect, it is seen in the most gifted of people. They are NOT "retards", as some people assume. But their intelligence can be masked by their condition, when they become either disconnected from their surroundings or going through a hyper period.

    So that you may actually have a rare treasure for a partner. You will be happier when you learn how to better relate to him, and assist him in dealing with this difficulty.
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    Oct 19, 2014 3:54 PM GMT
    Thank you, guys. He is not on medication and he would not take it, anyway. In the past, before we ever met, he said he was but he didn't quite like it. Art, he is a great guy, very smart and talented. From day to day, everything is okay and he's the coolest guy I know. But sometimes when he starts obsessing over something, it can get out of hand real quick. I think my iron resolution and patience helps deal with it and it may be a reason why we are as compatible as we are. I appreciate the advice.
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    Oct 19, 2014 4:39 PM GMT
    Jerrsei said
    Art, he is a great guy, very smart and talented. From day to day, everything is okay and he's the coolest guy I know. But sometimes when he starts obsessing over something, it can get out of hand real quick. I think my iron resolution and patience helps deal with it and it may be a reason why we are as compatible as we are. I appreciate the advice.

    Yes, I had already guessed that, hence the wording of my post to you above, the stuff about intelligence. But I still contend there are things you could do to make it easier for both of you, if you knew about them.

    Ideally they would come from a medical professional who has actually seen and evaluated your partner. Not all ADHD is the same. In some cases it's even been misdiagnosed, a trendy way to explain a condition a doctor doesn't fully understand.

    But if not the 2 of you together, you can still get advice on your own. Face-to-face is best, where you can relate his behavior. Least good is online research; it's like self-diagnosis, always problematical.

    As well as proceeding from the contention that he is indeed ADHD, without having another recent medical confirmation of that. It could be something else, ADHD is frequently misdiagnosed when it's not ADHD at all. Plus ADHD does disappear in time in some individuals, leaving few or no residuals.

    Your partner may have been correctly diagnosed with it as a child, but now, as an adult (age?) he may be largely clear of it. And so what you are seeing today is something else, that needs to be correctly identified and addressed differently.

    I'm fanatical about rejecting assumptions I'm given from others, and insisting on going back to square one and getting fresh information, reconstructing the entire situation from the ground up. I solve a lot of problems that way. That might be another thing for you to consider doing.
  • real_diver2

    Posts: 88

    Oct 19, 2014 6:19 PM GMT
    My partner has been taking Adderall. It really helped. Unfortunately, it addictive and over time you develop a resistance to it and dosage must be raised.

    He was recently switched to Vyvance. Somewhat the same type of drug. Still getting the dosage adjusted. Also tried Stratera, but that did nothing for him.

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    Oct 20, 2014 3:08 AM GMT
    School is an awful place for ADHD society. i have diagnosed ADHD when i was 16. And bullied and ignored by crowd. You have to understand, we are highly sensitive people.. We can not handle this, it is just natural for us. And It is difficult to understand for most people, even to my family.
    But as a partner , it should be different.. That is what relationships for, to stand someone through good and bad, learn and get ready for challenge, trying to understand from yours and his side. I think it is a beautiful building based on unconditional love. You are not expected to have it, you expected to build it. Love is sacrificial

    And good luck with you 2 icon_smile.gif
  • vj2004t

    Posts: 203

    Oct 20, 2014 3:21 PM GMT
    I have been ADD for years finding the right meds can work wonders. I have been on adderall for quite a while. If he is not on meds see a doctor that will work with him and find the right combination. I consider the meds just like eye glasses they dont heal you just make it so you can see and function better...Val
  • spitfire

    Posts: 34

    Oct 20, 2014 5:04 PM GMT
    Jerrsei saidThank you, guys. He is not on medication and he would not take it, anyway. In the past, before we ever met, he said he was but he didn't quite like it.


    I don't blame him for not liking it. I was diagnosed with ADHD back in grade school and was originally put on ritalin until high school. It was awful, it feels like you lose the things that make you who you are. I compare the feeling to living a life full of vibrant colours, passions, and emotions when normal to living a life of drab colouration, almost in monochrome, where you're apathetic about everything and you're just in a state of being. No thoughts, no emotions, just doing. That being said, different drugs (on different dosages too) will react differently to each person. As vj2004t said, the right meds can work wonders. My experiences with concerta weren't as poor as those of ritalin but I still prefer a life without it. It's much more liberating to live without being on meds, in my opinion; kind of like how liberating it feels to be out of the closet, in a way. Also, who is to say you'll be just as fond of him if he were to be on meds regularly? It could change him just enough that he'd lose some of the qualities that you love.

    Jerrsei saidBut sometimes when he starts obsessing over something, it can get out of hand real quick. I think my iron resolution and patience helps deal with it and it may be a reason why we are as compatible as we are.


    I think the other issue is the difference of maturity. You've mentioned that you're older than him and appear to be a relatively calm individual judging by some of the stuff you have said, which makes me think that there's a great enough difference between the maturity level of you two. None of that is bad, but I feel like that's where some of the problems are arising. In a way, he just needs to find his way some more. He'll always get out of hand with his obsessions, but eventually he'll begin to taper and it won't be as bad - it'll never leave though and flare ups will occur. If you're in this relationship for the long haul, you're going to need to hang on with your patience and iron resolution. You'll have to grow and find ways to combat his weaknesses but in doing so, you'll both grow stronger together. icon_smile.gif