Any other young guys having trouble making new friends?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 19, 2014 4:39 PM GMT
    I'm wondering if I'm facing a unique problem and am starting to worry maybe something's wrong with me, my approach or both. icon_redface.gif Hopefully it's not just me since I've heard it becomes harder to make friends once you graduate from college.

    Realizing my current small group of friends are not really friends and fair weather friends which has me looking to make new friends.

    Granted I live in NYC and everyone always seems to be working, running errands or tuned out to anyone not on their FB friends list but still when I go around and see people or groups of people out and about. I'd wager to say the demand for friends is higher in a city like New York since there are days when it can seem highly impersonal (the whole quote about being along among 8 million other people and such)

    The thing is a lot of environments aren't conducive to meeting new people. I do go to the same cafe every weekend but most other young people who are there alone are either zeroed in on laptops or occupied with something else and have a "don't bother me" aura they give off....

    Work is always the obvious option but the majority of people at work are older than me. The few my age are summer interns.

    There's Meetup which I've gone to and had a neutral experience with but many of the groups I'm a member of have switched over from being free to attend to costing money. I'm fine with low admittance fees but it starts to add up after a while. (Part of me thinks the money goes to paying part of the organizers rent) I have met a few good people when I went but I'll send them a message offering to hang out and don't get a response.

    There's gay pickup sports leagues I've looked into but there's try outs and entrance fees. I'm just looking to meet like minded active people, aren't there any free gay sports leagues in this city?

    I talked to my roommate about this and she says there's a lot of "flaky losers" who go to them and recommended I hang out at bars instead since after a drink people's defenses start coming down and they start opening up more. Not really sure going to bars is a way to make quality friends and she's had some bad Meetup experiences. Especially gay bars.

    Feeling a bit frustrated since I know everyday there's people moving here who don't know anyone and we'd probably get along if I could just find them but they're scattered all over the city. I'm starting to lower my expectations of meeting potential friends to meeting potential acquaintances in line at the grocery store. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Oct 20, 2014 3:50 PM GMT
    It's not just problem for young guys. I didn't come out until late in life. Lost what few straight friends I had (good riddance) and have made very few good gay friends.
  • mizu5

    Posts: 2599

    Oct 20, 2014 3:51 PM GMT
    Yeah. I can't seem to make any friends my age. Most are guys in their 30's and 40's. Which is totally great, but it'd be nice to have someone closer to my own age sometimes.

    People either wanna fuck me or want nothing to do with me
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    Oct 20, 2014 4:46 PM GMT
    ^^ Well the bright side is that at least you get some attention. Imagine if they didn't even want to fuck you! There's always a silver lining. Sometimes you just have to look really hard. icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Oct 20, 2014 4:58 PM GMT
    I don't think you make friends in a vacuum. Thinking back, all the friends I've had in my life were because we had something in common that brought us together to begin with. Sometimes it was just a place, like a dorm floor, or sometimes it was an interest, like playing squash or working out, and sometimes it was the smallest of reasons but the timing was just right, like my best friend in college was a guy I met simply because he was from the same city and we were Freshmen looking for connections. Later, friends have generally started through business connections and then I'd get to know a friend of that friend, etc. and we'd become friends, too. Everyone fills their time doing things that make them happy and if you suddenly appear and want their time, you're asking them to give up something to make room for you. Unless it is romance, that seldom works. Do things that you like and meet others doing the same thing. Then you're sharing an interest. Take it from there.
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    Oct 20, 2014 6:10 PM GMT
    For me, mountain/trail biking (or just cycling in general) has been a great hobby that's opened the door to making great friends. They range in age from 19-50+, and none are "fair weather" friends. They all stuck by my side when I was temporarily out of work, and some even helped with bills and food.

    BTW, all of them are either straight or bi. I don't know a single fully gay guy (other than myself) who likes extreme off-road biking. icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 20, 2014 10:06 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidFor me, mountain/trail biking (or just cycling in general) has been a great hobby that's opened the door to making great friends. They range in age from 19-50+, and none are "fair weather" friends. They all stuck by my side when I was temporarily out of work, and some even helped with bills and food.

    BTW, all of them are either straight or bi. I don't know a single fully gay guy (other than myself) who likes extreme off-road biking. icon_lol.gif


    Agree. There are probably more homosexuals as roadies than off-road/mountain biking, but my roadie experience was mostly solo due to the unpredictability of when I could ride given that I needed to work it around work. It was easy in SoCal to ride anytime of the day or night and year round. Not so here, but I do want to get back to it.

    "great hobby that's opened the door to making great friends. They range in age from 19-50+, and none are "fair weather" friends"

    And regarding hobbies ... the same with the old car hobby .... these guys would give just about anything to help one another. They're all getting to the age when we have to help the others. Great friends though through thick and thin. Some of them are a little crusty ... back hurts, knees hurt, etc, but with hearts of gold.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 20, 2014 11:20 PM GMT
    Actually the older I get the harder I find it to keep friends much less make new ones. I have a low tolerance for bullshit these days.
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    Oct 20, 2014 11:30 PM GMT
    Oh boy, wait till you get older. STRAIGHT men have problems making new friends; usually, they're the husbands of their wives' friends, or the parents of other peoples' kids. What's it like for a gay man like me in the suburbs? Well, even with a nice still-young face and tight hot bod if you're not sexually available, childless or a veteran of a certain age you may as well be dead.

    Not that you young 'uns don't have your issues. You're not the only NYC transplant in their early twenties having trouble making new friends. The straight ones I know (with plenty more options) peripherally are almost strictly friends with people they went to college with or met on college break. Imagine how tougher it is for young people who move to less popular cities. Regardless, their best chance of making friends would be at work and if you're pickings are slim at work, you're screwed.
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    Oct 21, 2014 2:56 AM GMT
    It is difficult, I definitely agree with you. And like much of the advice already given, unless you have common interests with others, it will never get easier, especially when there are a lot of guys looking for sex. As we get older, it gets harder because we find ourselves more grounded and know what we want and what we don't want. Although, it is not encouraging, just want to let you know; a lot of others are in the same boat as you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 21, 2014 3:01 AM GMT
    Same boat here.
    New to the area, just far enough from where I used to live that it's hard to see people from my old town, recovering from a breakup and all womp womp about it... Pretty lonely these days and not sure how to solve the problem.
  • jo2hotbod

    Posts: 3603

    Oct 21, 2014 3:26 AM GMT
    I'll wait for the cliff notes
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    Oct 21, 2014 6:08 AM GMT
    mostly I try to focus on becoming my best self and figure that the people that matter will stick around and new ones will arrive and want to be around you. Yes it is difficult to make new friends unless you share a common daily zone (work,school,gym). People are weird, I'm a loner best thing I ever did was get a dog.
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    Oct 21, 2014 6:14 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI don't think you make friends in a vacuum. Thinking back, all the friends I've had in my life were because we had something in common that brought us together to begin with. Sometimes it was just a place, like a dorm floor, or sometimes it was an interest, like playing squash or working out, and sometimes it was the smallest of reasons but the timing was just right, like my best friend in college was a guy I met simply because he was from the same city and we were Freshmen looking for connections. Later, friends have generally started through business connections and then I'd get to know a friend of that friend, etc. and we'd become friends, too. Everyone fills their time doing things that make them happy and if you suddenly appear and want their time, you're asking them to give up something to make room for you. Unless it is romance, that seldom works. Do things that you like and meet others doing the same thing. Then you're sharing an interest. Take it from there.


    well shit lol.
    im a senior and i only dormed one sem cause i cant commute for 2 hours daily on top of housework and expect to make good grades and get sleep lolol.

    and i havent made that many college friends whom i regularly talk to. adding on FB =/= complete friends
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    Oct 21, 2014 6:24 AM GMT
    torrentprime saidSame boat here.
    New to the area, just far enough from where I used to live that it's hard to see people from my old town, recovering from a breakup and all womp womp about it... Pretty lonely these days and not sure how to solve the problem.

    You're a good looking guy. Just step outside and guys will swarm. icon_biggrin.gif
  • secondstartot...

    Posts: 1314

    Oct 21, 2014 1:49 PM GMT
    Im actually pretty good at making friends - which for a very reclusive introvert is quite a feat
    what I have learned ..you will not make friends sitting in a bar or a cafe
    you will also not make friends in a gym where people are plugged into their music...and if you read the threads on the subject...they are mostly about " I do not socialise at gym "
    Friends are people with whom you share common interests ! you need to find group hobbies or activities that interest you ...there you will meet people ! join a drama group or a choir... a sport team and painting class a martial art class a kick boxing group ...somewhere where you have to interact with a bunch of people ...it is there that you will find and meet your friends
    I moved to a new country five years ago I joined an amatuer opera group and instantly made 60 friends straight gay old young ...I take my dog to the park and meet up with all the dog owners in my neighborhood ....instant circle of friends ...
    now I go to the bar with my dog friends ...and go to the cafes with my opera friends
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 21, 2014 1:58 PM GMT
    Reinvent yourself especially in new york you need to constantly be reinventing yourself and doing things you wouldn't normally do to meet the people who you never thought would ever mix with and learn shit you never knew you would.
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    Oct 21, 2014 5:51 PM GMT
    / hmm... I have mixed views about "reinventing yourself"..., especially for the purpose of a new city as diverse as NY. I see a lot of people my age trying to fit into a certain group, spending tons of money on new clothes to belong to whatever clique is trendy. In some cases this new identity isn't that person in a core level. If you have to "belong" to a group before you can be someone's friend you may not want that person as a friend. This can be said of some people in the gay scene also.

    I'm a pretty consistent person and can get along with a lot of different types of people. I like to stay true to myself and have the mindset of this is who I am, take it or leave it.
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    Oct 21, 2014 6:00 PM GMT
    Erobert said

    Work is always the obvious option but the majority of people at work are older than me.


    Whenever people complain about not being able to meet people, they always end up stating stupid shit like this. Why in the world would you care if they're older than you to be your friend? I have friends as young as 21 and I even have a friend who is 86 who I go visit regularly. People of different ages have different things to offer and putting an age restriction on friendship is incredibly shallow. Do you have restrictions on race too? icon_confused.gif
  • Elektrizantek

    Posts: 66

    Oct 21, 2014 6:31 PM GMT
    How you make gay friends without to have sexe with them ...?Most of them they are your friends because they had with you fun and from here come the simpathy and the friendship.I try to have freinds without to involve the sex