Advice needed. Love my long term partner but dont find him sexualy interesting any more

  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 16, 2009 3:59 PM GMT
    HELP!

    Ive been in a LTR for about two years now....and for the past month or two Im just finding him stiffling, suffocating almost. I love him to bits. But hes very not clingy but very "i love you for ever" cuddles cuddles cuddles all over.

    He was never exactly athletic but hes getting a paunch and "man boobs" which I find a turn off. He doesnt care about them and shows no interestin changing his diet or exercising to try and get rid of them. He says I should love him for him and not his body. I agree and I do but they're a huge turn off.

    So is his lack of personal hygiene - showering every other day - and having smelly cock syndrome. I have mentioned this and his puanch several times and hes just too lazy or cant be arsed or doesnt have a problem with either of those two issues.

    Ultimately, I am just not interested in him sexualy.He was a virgin when I met him, and hes very inexperienced, perhaps naive and doesnt like the sound of so many suggestions I put to him and I am just frustrated to hell.

    Increasingly, I dont like him touching me, especially in a sexual way but I enjoy his company; hes my best friend and boyfriend and dont want to lose him.

    Does this mean we are moving appart? Or am I not just the monogomous type? or do I need space to play around? Or what? I know if I played away Id fall to bits with guilt...but I really enjoy the "chase" of pulling a guy and bedding them. lol. icon_redface.gificon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2009 4:56 PM GMT
    Hmmm. It really does sound like you may just be better off as friends or best friends. Your post only listed things you don't like about him, which all seem to be enough to turn you off or bother you in someway. If you don't think they are worth over looking then maybe friends is your option and not boyfriends. I wouldn't go play around though, that will just make the entire situation worse.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 16, 2009 4:59 PM GMT
    Those thigns I list are the only two thigns that really piss me off. small..but quite major lol

    I enjoy and love the fact we have so much in common - both play role play games and board games, both do Live Action Role Play, both read comics and graphic novels, have the same sense of humour and fun, both enjoy cooking, both are complete geeks (eg transformers, Dr Who, starwars).

    Its just the sex that doesnt work. or isnt at the moment.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2009 5:05 PM GMT
    Relationships are all about compromise. From what you wrote it sounds like he is not willing to listen to your concerns. Now, what you need to do is sit him down. Tell him that these issues are driving you apart and if the relationship is going to continue certain issues need to be resolved.

    He wont shower everyday. So maybe he just showers before he sticks that cock in your mouth. If there are many such compromises you can make then perhaps the whole issue can be resolved.

    There is also a larger issue here. You tell him your concerns and he ignores them. That is a big fuck you and completely unacceptable. Why are you letting him treat you like this? It has gotten to the point that you are no longer sexually interested in him and your relationship is more like friends than lovers. You very well can be a monogamous person. But it is tough to be when your lover treats you like shit.
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    Jan 16, 2009 5:08 PM GMT
    I think that you need to sit him in front of the computer and show him this posting. He needs to know how you feel, don't just hold it in and for sure don't get to the frustration level where you go find another outlet without trying to work it out with him.

    If he really loves you as much as you seem to love him, the truth and open communications will lead to some resolution. Those are the big things but as time goes on, with those feelings already in place, the other little things will start to be heaped on too and then you'll start resenting it all.

    Sometimes we all just need a slap in the face to wake up. What do you have to lose, if you don't say anything, you will just stew in the feelings you now have, sex will go by the way, resentment will build and time will have been lost. If you tell him, the worst that could happen is that he says goodbye. That's the worst, probably a better chance he'll say, let's go see someone we can talk to together about getting back on track.

    Good luck!
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    Jan 16, 2009 5:08 PM GMT
    Yeah there's zero excuse for having a hygenically-challenged boyfriend; it's jst not practical nor healthy. Looks like it's time to drop him.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 16, 2009 5:48 PM GMT
    Hmm ok. I can see what you're saying.

    Andy is very touchy and defensive over his weight. to him its a none issue. To me it is. not a massive one but one that niggles me and I suspect unless I ca like trick him into exercising wont go away.

    Re showering...again I keep telling him or suggetsing it might be nicer if he showered more or just freshened up. It doesnt sink in..hes so laisez fiare and laid back...not quite not caring but close.

    Re the sex thing....Ive asked him if hed want to try differant things, even asked him to show me the porn he watches so I get an idea of what turns him on- pretty much just wanking.

    so yeah...just frustrated. Seam to be talkinto him and having little or none effect.

    I dot know why Im suddently feeling claustraphobic and enclosed by him. but of late dont like him touching me and in fact resent him a bit.

    Ill speak to him this evening about this and see what he says.........icon_question.gif?icon_question.gif?
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    Jan 16, 2009 5:51 PM GMT
    Andy is whiny, lazy, insecure, and overly-defensive, from what you've told us.

    It may well be time to move on. Life is to short to have to deal with all that crap. Unless you like dealing with the crap, you need to come up with a plan to change it, or get yourself away from it. Those are your choices: stay in, get out, or change it. You have to decide what's realistic or worth the effort.

    In abusive relationships (e.g. battered wife) the abused make excuses for why the abusers are so awful. Be careful not to head down the path of justifying bad behavior from someone close. Sometimes, we're just to close to see reality.

    If he approaches something as simple as hygiene with a "fuck you", well, that speaks volumes. Clearly, it's indicative of much deeper issues in your relationship.

    You can go see a counselor. You try to talk it out. If he doesn't care enough about simple things like hygiene, and personal fitness, it doesn't sound like he has the ambition to maintain a good relationship.

    It could very well be time to move on.

    I think I'd visit with him about a trial separation, and see if that changes his modality. If it doesn't, I think I'd put him into the past, remembering the good times, and forgetting the rest.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jan 16, 2009 5:55 PM GMT
    It seem like you are better off being just roomate with this guys. What the point of having a relationship if you dont even like him to touch you. Complaint about his smelly dick, overweight problem, etc. It best for you to just tell him the truth and move on.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 16, 2009 6:03 PM GMT
    For the time being. try and change it and see if it works.

    even if its washing him down every night and/or me having a quick play away lol
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    Jan 16, 2009 6:08 PM GMT
    If you change a person's environment, they almost have to change in response. You can't control him but you can do something about yourself. Maybe if looked at making changes in you and your lifestyle, he would be inspired to follow suit.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Jan 16, 2009 6:09 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant said
    I enjoy and love the fact we have so much in common - both play role play games and board games, both do Live Action Role Play, both read comics and graphic novels, have the same sense of humour and fun, both enjoy cooking, both are complete geeks (eg transformers, Dr Who, starwars).

    Its just the sex that doesnt work. or isnt at the moment.



    Maybe it's just a matter of communicating your current feelings (or lack thereof) to your partner. Communication is EVERYTHING, and if you don't express your feelings your partner won't have any way of knowing there is a problem so that, hopefully, he is willing and able to fix it. Sounds like you are great companions in so many other ways, but his lack of being health & fitness-minded is starting to make him unattractive to you. This is no small thing, and it will likely get worse if your partner keeps living the unhealthy lifestyle that is causing him to gain weight and become frumpy and thereby unattractive in your eyes. Granted, this has to be communicated to him very delicately in just the right way so that he doesn't get his feelings hurt and it makes matters even worse. Regardless, expressing your feelings to him is probably the only way to get your relationship headed in a better direction.

    That all being said, you both might also have different metabolisms to where the affects of your lifestyle is starting to take its toll on your boyfriend earlier than it is you. Far as I know, sitting around playing board games and video games and reading comics and graphic novels isn't exactly conducive to maintaining lean & toned healthy bodies unless it is balanced out by some good old-fashioned healthy eating and sweaty heart-rate raising exercise. Maybe a bit of a lifestyle change that you can work on together with your partner that incorporates exercising regularly and eating healthy is in order that would not only benefit you as a couple, but individually as well.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jan 16, 2009 6:14 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidHELP!

    Ive been in a LTR for about two years now....and for the past month or two Im just finding him stiffling, suffocating almost. I love him to bits. But hes very not clingy but very "i love you for ever" cuddles cuddles cuddles all over.

    He was never exactly athletic but hes getting a paunch and "man boobs" which I find a turn off. He doesnt care about them and shows no interestin changing his diet or exercising to try and get rid of them. He says I should love him for him and not his body. I agree and I do but they're a huge turn off.

    So is his lack of personal hygiene - showering every other day - and having smelly cock syndrome. I have mentioned this and his puanch several times and hes just too lazy or cant be arsed or doesnt have a problem with either of those two issues.

    Ultimately, I am just not interested in him sexualy.He was a virgin when I met him, and hes very inexperienced, perhaps naive and doesnt like the sound of so many suggestions I put to him and I am just frustrated to hell.

    Increasingly, I dont like him touching me, especially in a sexual way but I enjoy his company; hes my best friend and boyfriend and dont want to lose him.

    Does this mean we are moving appart? Or am I not just the monogomous type? or do I need space to play around? Or what? I know if I played away Id fall to bits with guilt...but I really enjoy the "chase" of pulling a guy and bedding them. lol. icon_redface.gificon_redface.gif


    Love and attraction aren't the same things.

    Only you can decide what you really want out of the relationship. But if one or both of you aren't willing to try and make things work, then it will fail. You can't have a relationship without some compromise and willingness to make an effort.
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Jan 16, 2009 6:17 PM GMT
    You most likely have to be brutally honest w/ him and tell him that you are not physically attracted to him anymore since he gained weight. Tell him you want him to lose the weight not only for you, but for his health and well being and that you two wanna being around together for a very long time.

    Dancing around the topic will NOT make the problem go away. He will not like hearing this, but, if he loves you, he will do the right thing.
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    Jan 16, 2009 6:18 PM GMT
    Time to look at things differently....He still wants to have sex with you right..Make having a good foreply sceen in the shower. He gets clean, and you have fun. I know a bit sneaky, but it works for both og you.

    As for his diet and lack of exercise..One, take control over the grocery shopping. Buy the heathy items...also he's a touch feeling kind of guy. Ok..well ask him to go for a nice moonlight walk. Several times a week..Ask him to go on a bike ride with and a picnic lunch...find ways to incorporate exercise with the romance..Problem solved. If yo do both before you know it he could be losing wieght, feeling better about himself and the relationship.

    Last if he honestly refuses to compromise and work with you on issues, then no reason to stay with him,
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    Jan 16, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    I think MunchingZombie summed it up quite well although I would be less blunt perhaps.

    We all have our "do not cross" lines in a relationship. For me it is being disrespected, but also the guy getting fat is another one. I would still love my partner if he got fat, but I would get my jollies from porn, not from him.

    I just don't get the not showering part. I mean the guy smells bad right? How can he not take your feelings into consideration? Why does he think smelling bad for you is a good thing? When my partner tells me I smell "manly" I immediately run to the shower or the deodorant (I have a poor sense of smell). Even though I shower daily, on a hot day the rain forest known as my armpits can get pretty rank.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 16, 2009 6:30 PM GMT
    Smelling bad is, for him, literally not having time for a shower in the morning cos he is always late, never out of bed on time. The shower in our flat is a bit dodgy but its jsut as quick to ruin a bath. I think its that he prefers a lie in rather than get clean. His room in his old place was a shit tip - clothes every where, never cleaned, a mess, complete dump. I just dont think he gives two hoots about stuff like that cos it doesnt bother him, or appear on his personal radar and I dont think it ever has.

    he says if the shower worked better hed shower every day...but....theres a bath? meh. I dunno.

    Exercise wise...unless I dangle a "carrot" of pretty men to perv on at the gym or pool he wont go. Cos theres nothing in it for him. He rather sit at home and read comic books or play on his computer games and drink bicardi and coke.

    He likes fit athletic men, quite likes the idea of looking that good...and is scared he'll lose me to some hot guy I pull at the gym or similar...but isnt prepared to put int he work to look good. Hes always disappointed wen he reads my magazines to see that getting ripped is all about eating right and hard work with weights.
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Jan 16, 2009 6:34 PM GMT
    Doesn't he realize that working out and taking care of yourself will HELP his self esteem???

    And tell him you want your Prince Charming back ... and not Pigpen!
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    Jan 16, 2009 6:35 PM GMT
    Remember, in almost every case, obesity is a matter of personal negligence. Just no other way to cut it.

    There are a rare few that have metabolic disorders, but, the keyword there is rare.

    Lots of times, fat folks, smokers, etc., won't quit because their behavior is such a habit, and they medicate on food or nicotine, and they don't have the self-discipline to go through behavioral change. At some point, they have to hit bottom, die, or be rejected (whatever that point is) to change. You have to decide how important all that is to you.

    We're a strange society, allowing folks to kill themselves through obesity (even encouraging it), or tobacco, yet, we jail folks for having a joint or taking a hormone that makes them feel good, and that promotes good health.

    Tell your bud you don't find him attractive anymore. If he's o.k. with that, then, clearly, the relationship doesn't matter. If he wants to address it, and your attraction, and happiness, is important, as well as his health, then, he'll move in that direction. That'll show his true colors on the matter.

    It's not all that complicated. Either he cares, or doesn't. Either he'll work on changing it, or won't. Either you'll like it, or not.

    Just choices, about what your concessions are to the relationship. Mostly, you can only change yourself, and can't really change him. He'll have to do that for himself, and perhaps, for you.

    Address it with him (if you haven't already, and I think you said you had), and then decide what you are willing or not willing to do for yourself.

    You can wish for lots of things, but, you only really control your own actions on this.
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    Jan 16, 2009 6:36 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidHe likes fit athletic men, quite likes the idea of looking that good...and is scared he'll lose me to some hot guy I pull at the gym or similar...but isnt prepared to put int he work to look good. Hes always disappointed wen he reads my magazines to see that getting ripped is all about eating right and hard work with weights.


    Ok, not the best advise but despreate times, call for desperate measures.

    Jealous....He's afraid to lose you to a better looking guy. Well, start flirting and talking about the men at the gym. How hot they are etc..maybe he will get jealous and start going just to keep an eye on you. maybe he will realize he needs to get into shape in oreder to keep you. Sometiems people won't listen to words, but when actions start threatening thier saftey zones they will jump into action
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 16, 2009 6:38 PM GMT
    I do and have done...he just gets turned on
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    Jan 16, 2009 6:53 PM GMT
    There's something to be said for a long courtship, before entering into an LTR. That's the time when you find out about these things. Either you grow together, or grow apart, and then you know for sure what to do next.

    I'm not aware what proceeded this LTR, but maybe it happened too quickly? Perhaps you should consider this LTR as that trial period, and now you should "want your money back," in other words, to dissolve this relationship.

    Plus people change, often in conjunction with changed circumstances. As a virgin when you met him, maybe he was too inexperienced in gay relationships, and doesn't know how to sustain one. He's grown too cozy with this good thing he's got, and become lazy and inattentive to your needs. Is he younger than you and perhaps immature overall?

    You might try to communicate this to him. If he continues to not get the message, I'd say it's time to split. You're still young and will have other options.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Jan 16, 2009 7:06 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant said
    He likes fit athletic men, quite likes the idea of looking that good...and is scared he'll lose me to some hot guy I pull at the gym or similar...but isnt prepared to put int he work to look good. Hes always disappointed wen he reads my magazines to see that getting ripped is all about eating right and hard work with weights.


    Sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like a total loser. If it works for you, hey, all the more power to you but, based on what you've said, it ain't workin' anymore. If the bf is afraid he'll lose you to some hot guy at the gym, tell him he WILL if he doesn't get his smelly lazy-ass shit together. You deserve better than a fat smelly boyfriend, and if that's what he plans to be, tell him you didn't sign up for that.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 16, 2009 7:09 PM GMT
    In fact hes older, by a few years and quite mature but not in terms of sex, experiences etc.

    We had a fairly long courtship of about six months and it took him longert than that to admit we were going out, I think about a year. despite the fact that hed asked me to live wtih him, share his bad and to all but him we were an item.

    so hes mature in some ways but immature in terms of sex and relationship. with the whole sex thing. its a case of lead slowly not force.

    I agree about changing we have a flat together now, somewhat forced upon us when the freidns we were renting from asked us to move out (we were renting a room each) and gave us a deadline to do so.

    I have just mentioned some of this stuff to him...and he says he admits he doesnt wash cos hes lazy and prefers a lie in and doesnt notice the mess in a house or the washing needs doing as he never has noticed, never been shown how to do the washing - as a student people did it for him - and given that his moms house is a disoraganised mess, has never had the clean and tidy environment and mom to grow up in which I did. Heck, we had cleaner who came in twice weekly when I was a kid.

    Heyho.
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    Jan 16, 2009 7:35 PM GMT
    Sounds like you would be better off as friends rather then something serious. Whatever you guys had in the beginning is clearly not there anymore and the relationship has run it's course.

    I guess the hardest thing will be wondering if you guys can rermain friends even after you decide to let him go. Considering the fact that he is older, less expereinced and has a unpleasant smell in a certain area I would say good luck to you on wanting to continue being friends. The fact that his own concern for personal hygiene is not that high on his list raises an eyebrow and if he isn't that concerned about his own health then it's a safe bet that he doesn't think abouty your health much let alone your feelings ont he situation. Relationships are all about give and take but both parties much has an equal amount of responsiblity to thermself and to their partner if things are gonna work out (in my opinion).

    I would say end it gracefully and move on. From they way you talk about him I doubt he would put up much of a fight up on wanting to stay in the relationship. Chalk it up as an experience, end it with a clean break and hopefully move on to someone and something new worth having. Nio sense being ina relationshiop with someone who doesn't make you feel happy or doesn't feel happy themself. Why deny yourself something great and be stuck in a one-sided relationship where you are miserable all the time? If sex is a big part of your character and your partner diesn't seem remotely attractive to you anymore then moving on would be the best suggestion for you.

    Best of luck to you buddy.