Advice needed

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2014 2:33 PM GMT
    Hello everybody

    I will try to make this as short as possible.
    I am 20, out to my closest friends and trying to come out to the rest of the world.
    What I am in need of advice for is a guy from my course. I am really into him, he doesn't know I am gay and I can't be 100% sure that he is. Today when asked to pick from a list of female behinds and he refused saying that he can't pick because the list is too big. That really got my hopes up. I don't really know him that well and we haven't talked much so I can't go up to him and just ask "Are you gay?"
    I am still in the process of coming out and I want to take my time doing it. That means that I don't want to be "outed" by someone.
    This is probably the time to mention that I have been in a relationship before with a guy.
    So, my question is:
    Do you think that him refusing to chose a female behind makes him gay?
    Should I just go up to him and ask him? Would you do it if you were me?
    At this point, anything you have to offer will be appreciated!
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Oct 29, 2014 2:37 PM GMT
    Trying to get to know someone by playing mind games with them and testing them seems dishonest.

    Is there some reason why you can't just be truthful?
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    Oct 29, 2014 2:48 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidTrying to get to know someone by playing mind games with them and testing them seems dishonest.

    Is there some reason why you can't just be truthful?


    I don't see how you got the idea that I am playing mind games. I have a good reason for not being out to everybody since that could turn my life around in a very unpleasant manner. What I am wonderings is: Do I have enough reason to believe he is gay or not
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    Oct 29, 2014 2:57 PM GMT
    the OP's profile says he is living in the UK. Generally an accepting situation. Dont think coming out in the UK will turn your life around to much?

    What is the point in a boy friend if you are in a closet and cant share your life with him?

    The gay population is slight, in most places, if not all, we are not the 10% they said we were. Have patience with the people you meet or better use Grinder.



    anyways cheers, just ask if he's into you? If not no bad, drop it and tell him you need a friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2014 3:07 PM GMT
    Who asked him to pick his favorite girl butt?
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    Oct 29, 2014 3:27 PM GMT
    pellaz saidthe OP's profile says he is living in the UK. Generally an accepting situation. Dont think coming out in the UK will turn your life around to much?

    What is the point in a boy friend if you are in a closet and cant share your life with him?

    The gay population is slight, in most places, if not all, we are not the 10% they said we were. Have patience with the people you meet or better use Grinder.



    anyways cheers, just ask if he's into you? If not no bad, drop it and tell him you need a friend.


    I am currently in the UK, but I am not from here - what worries me is that as long as I am finantially dependant I prefer not taking the risk. If things go bad I will have to drop out of the university, move out of my flat and somehow figure out a way to keep myself fed. I have been an emigrant in different contries for exactly half of my life and I have learned that people don't go out of their way to help emigrants.

    I am out to my brother and the people I live with, however I think the risk of telling my parents is too high for me to take just now.

    I am not jumping into dating him. I am into him, but even if he is gay there are a number of factors that could be in the way. He could be dating someone, I might not be his type, he might not want a relationship. What my question is: Do you think that I have enough reason to believe he is gay? Not whether you think it would work

    Scruffypup saidWho asked him to pick his favorite girl butt?


    Some guy from my course.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 29, 2014 3:29 PM GMT
    Just say what you mean to say! Be brave.
    Wow two songs come to mind in my answer? Do you know them?
    YouTube it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2014 3:42 PM GMT
    Who knows? None of us knows him (or you, really). It's in the body language, it's in the tone of voice, it could be a million things. You have to accept that you will not get any kind of answer here that will help you.

    But as someone already said, why would he want a boyfriend who's not out? Too difficult to deal with. If you can't come out now, for whatever reason, then you're really not ready to date anyone.
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    Oct 29, 2014 4:01 PM GMT
    MikemikeMike saidJust say what you mean to say! Be brave.
    Wow two songs come to mind in my answer? Do you know them?
    YouTube it


    I searched for "Just say what you mean to say" and got Jason Derula
    "Be Brave", by Sara Bareilles?

    The only sound answer I got so far, thank you. Sadly I have had not heard the latter before. I like it though, thanks (:

    Sharkspeare saidWho knows? None of us knows him (or you, really). It's in the body language, it's in the tone of voice, it could be a million things. You have to accept that you will not get any kind of answer here that will help you.

    But as someone already said, why would he want a boyfriend who's not out? Too difficult to deal with. If you can't come out now, for whatever reason, then you're really not ready to date anyone.


    I might sound as an arrogant prick, but I am quite frankly tired of repeating the same thing over and over again. If I wanted to be lectured of not being out, believe me, I have friends who would gladly do it for hours. I don't feel I should explain or apologise for making the choice of not shoving my sexuality in people's faces. You are right, I don't know him well enough, but if he shows interest at some point I would like to get to know him. Please, notice which words I used - "get to know him", not "date"/"marry". I actually have the rare ability of keeping my pants on, that doesn't keep me from looking around though.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 29, 2014 4:14 PM GMT
    I assume you have him in a class you are taking and if you are studying, I'd ask him if he has a few minutes to talk to him about the subject you are studying as you have some questions. Use that time to get to know him (temporarily forget the gay question), make it real and fun. Maybe suggest you both go out to a movie or concert or something fun. Determine the "gay question" after you get to know him.
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    Oct 29, 2014 4:16 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidI assume you have him in a class you are taking and if you are studying, I'd ask him if he has a few minutes to talk to him about the subject you are studying as you have some questions. Use that time to get to know him (temporarily forget the gay question), make it real and fun. Maybe suggest you both go out to a movie or concert or something fun. Determine the "gay question" after you get to know him.


    I am considering that. Thank you for the help
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2014 4:35 PM GMT
    1- come put when you're ready. It's a process. And just because you're in an accepting country doesn't mean you're from an accepting subculture. I can relate.

    2- as someone else suggested just spend time with him. See if he can study with you. Get a cup of coffee or a beer. Find things you have in common. If he's not gay maybe he will be a new friend. If he is you can see if it goes to something more.

    The only way to know is to try.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Oct 29, 2014 4:42 PM GMT
    Ya, this^^ exactly. Just get to know him. You'll figure it out. I assume you have plenty of straight friends so just approach him like that and see how it goes. You're over-thinking it because you're excited that he might be gay.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 29, 2014 4:49 PM GMT
    Now if Cash were the other guy I was interested in, I wouldn't ask, I wouldn't guess...

    I'd just seduce his ass...haha!

    icon_smile.gif How are ya, big M?

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2014 4:59 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidNow if Cash were the other guy I was interested in, I wouldn't ask, I wouldn't guess...

    I'd just seduce his ass...haha!

    icon_smile.gif How are ya, big M?

    icon_biggrin.gif


    You keep promising but I am just sitting here in My underwear with a packed suitcase waiting...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2014 5:05 PM GMT
    You want some advice? - focus on the course you're doing and don't let this guy be a distraction.

    The future version of yourself will love you more
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Oct 29, 2014 5:48 PM GMT
    It makes a lot of sense to stop asking the question "IS he gay or IS he NOT gay?"

    Why would you want to know? He may very well be as gay as Christmas but he may be NOT into you, or as you have already pointed out, he may be dating someone, or he may not be interested into any particular kind of a relationship with you or even with anyone else, for that matter.

    Do yourself a huge favor, and drop the BIG Gay thing out of your thinking process.

    Approach your classmate like you would approach anyone else whom you'd be interested in. Stop believing that only the openly gay guys are a superb dating material. Quite a few guys like yourself are only partly or not out at all. We all know the varieties of reasons for this.

    Hit the Bucks, movies, whatever. Talk. See if he wants to hang out together or not.

    One step at a time.

    SC

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    Oct 29, 2014 6:09 PM GMT
    Cart is totally before horse.

    HandmKansan and SilverCloud offer you gret advice. At the moment you come a cross as a silly school boy with an infatuation (could just as easily be a straight as a gay infatuation - except you would know with a girl that she was at least a girl). What difference does it make if he's gay, but not into you? You really have to get to know him first, and there has to be some amount of mutual "like" before broaching any gay interest.
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    Oct 29, 2014 7:34 PM GMT
    HikerSkier saidCart is totally before horse.

    HandmKansan and SilverCloud offer you gret advice. At the moment you come a cross as a silly school boy with an infatuation (could just as easily be a straight as a gay infatuation - except you would know with a girl that she was at least a girl). What difference does it make if he's gay, but not into you? You really have to get to know him first, and there has to be some amount of mutual "like" before broaching any gay interest.



    You know, I think people don't know how to read, either that or I am writing in some language the majority of people seems unfamiliar with. If I said that I am into him, then I like how he looks and how he behaves. Thats it. I am not planning our wedding nor fantasizing about him. I want to know if he is gay or not because as I mentioned, I am coming out. I don't want to make new friends that assume I am straight. I want them to be aware of the fact that I am gay. I have no idea why gay people seem to be so keen on offering advice on subjects that no one asks them for. I was very specific with what I wanted an opinion on.
    What I got in return was:
    1. Was lectured on not being out
    2. Was criticised for wanting a boyfriend while not being out
    3. Was criticised for wasting my time and not studying

    From all of the above, please someone point out an answer to what I asked. Just because we are gay and most societies don't accept us does not give us the right to be inhuman. The majority gay people that suffered for being gay are either in the past, or not on this website. Since so many of you seem perfectly comfortable with making assumptions on what I am thinking, I would like to see you psycology certificates.

    Having said that, I would like to thank:
    MikemikeMike, HndsmKansan, Wyndahoi for actually being human and trying to give me with some advice on what I asked

    Again, the reason I even started this thread was that I was not sure whether that means that he is gay or not. End of story.
    I did not get an answer - thank you.
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    Oct 29, 2014 8:25 PM GMT
    sed4561 said
    So, my question is:
    Do you think that him refusing to chose a female behind makes him gay?
    Should I just go up to him and ask him? Would you do it if you were me?



    Your gaydar has obviously not fully developed yet, kid. But until gay kids come with labels or embedded chips, there will always be some mystery in this regard, for anyone you haven't already had sex with.

    Question 1: No.

    Question 2: "Should you"? No. But asking him will most likely get you a true answer to what you say you want to know. So if you want to know the answer, and don't care about the consequences of getting it, ask him.

    Would I? No.

    Would almost anyone on this site "just go up to him and ask him" if he were gay? - No.
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    Oct 29, 2014 10:10 PM GMT
    sed4561 saidI don't feel I should explain or apologise for making the choice of not shoving my sexuality in people's faces.


    Being out has nothing to do with "shoving" anything in anyone's face. Are your straight friends "shoving it in your face" when they casually mention their girlfriend or talk about a girl in front of you? Or asking someone to pick their favorite girl behind from a list? icon_confused.gif

    And I think you're being disingenuous when you say you want to get to know him but not date him.
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    Oct 30, 2014 6:53 AM GMT
    Puppenjunge saidsed4561 said
    So, my question is:
    Do you think that him refusing to chose a female behind makes him gay?
    Should I just go up to him and ask him? Would you do it if you were me?



    Your gaydar has obviously not fully developed yet, kid. But until gay kids come with labels or embedded chips, there will always be some mystery in this regard, for anyone you haven't already had sex with.

    Question 1: No.

    Question 2: "Should you"? No. But asking him will most likely get you a true answer to what you say you want to know. So if you want to know the answer, and don't care about the consequences of getting it, ask him.

    Would I? No.

    Would almost anyone on this site "just go up to him and ask him" if he were gay? - No.


    Thank you
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    Oct 30, 2014 9:19 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    sed4561 saidI don't feel I should explain or apologise for making the choice of not shoving my sexuality in people's faces.


    Being out has nothing to do with "shoving" anything in anyone's face. Are your straight friends "shoving it in your face" when they casually mention their girlfriend or talk about a girl in front of you? Or asking someone to pick their favorite girl behind from a list? icon_confused.gif

    And I think you're being disingenuous when you say you want to get to know him but not date him.

    I have to agree with scruffy.
    It's fine that you don't want to come out right now. Do whenever you feel ready. Don't come out too late in your life.
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    Oct 30, 2014 9:22 AM GMT
    Omega_Einhorne saidYou want some advice? - focus on the course you're doing and don't let this guy be a distraction.

    The future version of yourself will love you more

    Agreed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2014 6:22 PM GMT
    And we are back to the advising me on things I don't want to be advised on.

    Put some more salt on them potatoes and don't eat so much sugar is my advice to you and it is just as relevant.