Gaining confidence/self-esteem?

  • muscleboundfe...

    Posts: 392

    Oct 29, 2014 9:59 PM GMT
    Any other fatties feel like as they have improved your body you take a lot less shit from gay men. My attitude towards straight people hasn't changed but I feel like gay men expect me to beg for attention. Everytime I look in the mirror and see my improvements i think, "bitch please, its not that serious." I just hope I'm not turning into a conceded ass.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Oct 29, 2014 10:52 PM GMT
    Nope, I did it for me and me alone. I have hardly even been around the gay scene at all to even take shit. If you are doing something for other people, it doesn't seem like a very good motivation.
  • muscleboundfe...

    Posts: 392

    Oct 29, 2014 11:16 PM GMT
    buddycat saidNope, I did it for me and me alone. I have hardly even been around the gay scene at all to even take shit. If you are doing something for other people, it doesn't seem like a very good motivation.


    I can understand where you are coming from but disagree. It took me a long time to get over the mentality of I'm doing it for me. I'm a complex person in a complex world so I've learned to back off of the simple truisms. There is a thread on another site which is my favorite thread about weight loss online. What I love about it is that people actually address their relationship to weight loss there. As opposed to addressing how they want their relationship to weight loss to be seen.

    I'd also like to point out that I never mentioned doing this for anyone but me. I think I'm treating myself with more respect and not allowing myself to be a door mat. Until recently I didn't even realize how much of a door mat I was.
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    Oct 30, 2014 12:27 AM GMT
    After losing 70 lbs, I realized I'm hot as fuck and don't give a fuck what others think. icon_cool.gif

    But really...there's nothing wrong with gaining self-esteem from losing weight. If others think of it as being conceited, maybe they should lose a few lbs too.
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    Oct 30, 2014 4:50 AM GMT
    Gay or straight, you're treated differently when you lose weight.

    Interesting observation I made at my local suburban dog run:

    A middle-aged seemingly 'roided bodybuilder (veiny, paper thin skin, muscle maturity) who by everything we're led to believe would be considered "gross" by most given his overdevelopment was standing smoking a cigarette, minding his own business being completely asocial, in the middle of the run with his small white terrier by his side. There was nothing special about this dog, it was as ubiquitous as a black or golden labrador. This bodybuilder was no beauty either with major HGH-face. While observing people's patterns at runs so I can avoid them (dog run people are NUTS) I saw while doing a slow hike from the bottom of the hill people of all sexes and ages not making a beeline for but obviously meandering towards this smoking asocial bodybuilder to fuss over his dog. The attention he was getting from people trying to be in his orbit, even if for no other reason curiosity to see his muscles up close, was comical. On an emptier day with less distraction I saw him there and though I tried to avoid him (as I do others) my dogs made a beeline to his so we had a brief chat. I learned not only that he was not a run regular who knew people but that he wasn't exactly a sterling conversationalist, leading me to REALLY question the motive of so many diverse people trying to hang onto his every word.

    For better or worse, gay or straight, how we look defines how people treat us, and this applies to physical conditioning to a far greater degree than one would realize.
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    Oct 30, 2014 4:58 AM GMT
    buddycat saidNope, I did it for me and me alone. I have hardly even been around the gay scene at all to even take shit. If you are doing something for other people, it doesn't seem like a very good motivation.

    The implication that one's doing it for oneself is more admirable is someone invalidated by an interesting and insightful point made by a tall, formerly rail thin RJ member who made an amazing muscle transformation.

    To paraphrase, he said that by transforming himself for OTHERS out of his league he in fact did it for himself in that those others were VERY appreciative and he had more opportunities. Ergo, by doing it for others he was ultimately doing it for himself.

    Bucking convention doesn't always pay; giving society what it wants does.
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    Oct 30, 2014 9:15 AM GMT
    eagermuscle said
    buddycat saidNope, I did it for me and me alone. I have hardly even been around the gay scene at all to even take shit. If you are doing something for other people, it doesn't seem like a very good motivation.

    The implication that one's doing it for oneself is more admirable is someone invalidated by an interesting and insightful point made by a tall, formerly rail thin RJ member who made an amazing muscle transformation.

    To paraphrase, he said that by transforming himself for OTHERS out of his league he in fact did it for himself in that those others were VERY appreciative and he had more opportunities. Ergo, by doing it for others he was ultimately doing it for himself.

    Bucking convention doesn't always pay; giving society what it wants does.


    This is the reason why I am more than happy to not conform into the ideals of society.
    Albeit not that I'm so out there, at least in my mind.
    Maybe it's the tiny little rebellious streak in me talking but I hate the notion of only being accepted once you do what society wants.
    Not that I'm saying to ignore the laws of your country, but I hate this hypocritical dichotomy of people saying be true to yourself when really they don't want you to be true to your actual self but a 'self' they'd rather you be; a self that they will define for you rather than it being defined by the actual individual.

    Maybe I'm just a weird and abnormal person but this really irks me because what you said is true of today's society.
    As long as your 'self' conforms to what they expect it to be, they'll accept you.

    "Ergo, by doing it for others he was ultimately doing it for himself."
    Sometimes I feel this is what society says to disillusion people out of who they feel they are and thus accept what they are told to be.
    I'm over thinking a tad bit too much at this point so I'm just going to stop now.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Oct 30, 2014 4:39 PM GMT
    It's a good trick to rationalize a personal shortcoming and elevate it to a virtue. You should lose weight because it is unhealthy for your heart, your joints, every organ. There is nothing interesting or attractive about rolls of blubber. And everyone around you, society, gay or straight, considers seriously overweight people to be self-indulgent. And to be avoided. Your first instinct, to congratulate yourself on improving your physical self is the right one. It is that serious.
  • muscleboundfe...

    Posts: 392

    Oct 30, 2014 10:33 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidAfter losing 70 lbs, I realized I'm hot as fuck and don't give a fuck what others think. icon_cool.gif

    But really...there's nothing wrong with gaining self-esteem from losing weight. If others think of it as being conceited, maybe they should lose a few lbs too.


    Yeah pretty much what I meant. I've lost 90lbs. Even though I have a long way to go I'm totally digging the dude in the mirror and am becoming less pressed about whether others feel the same way
  • muscleboundfe...

    Posts: 392

    Oct 30, 2014 10:37 PM GMT
    eagermuscle saidGay or straight, you're treated differently when you lose weight.

    Interesting observation I made at my local suburban dog run:

    A middle-aged seemingly 'roided bodybuilder (veiny, paper thin skin, muscle maturity) who by everything we're led to believe would be considered "gross" by most given his overdevelopment was standing smoking a cigarette, minding his own business being completely asocial, in the middle of the run with his small white terrier by his side. There was nothing special about this dog, it was as ubiquitous as a black or golden labrador. This bodybuilder was no beauty either with major HGH-face. While observing people's patterns at runs so I can avoid them (dog run people are NUTS) I saw while doing a slow hike from the bottom of the hill people of all sexes and ages not making a beeline for but obviously meandering towards this smoking asocial bodybuilder to fuss over his dog. The attention he was getting from people trying to be in his orbit, even if for no other reason curiosity to see his muscles up close, was comical. On an emptier day with less distraction I saw him there and though I tried to avoid him (as I do others) my dogs made a beeline to his so we had a brief chat. I learned not only that he was not a run regular who knew people but that he wasn't exactly a sterling conversationalist, leading me to REALLY question the motive of so many diverse people trying to hang onto his every word.

    For better or worse, gay or straight, how we look defines how people treat us, and this applies to physical conditioning to a far greater degree than one would realize.


    This is true. I feel like people take me more seriously. Straight people look at me oddly now when I say I'm getting into shape. Its funny because people act as if I suddenly changed when they see my before picture (profile pic). The mental changes that allowed that to happen have been a long time in the making. I haven't changed that much mentally. My body is catching up with my attitude.
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    Oct 31, 2014 4:28 AM GMT
    Where's pazzy to pontificate about "not dealing with that superficial shit" lol?
  • muscleboundfe...

    Posts: 392

    Oct 31, 2014 4:33 AM GMT
    Aqueerius saidWhere's pazzy to pontificate about "not dealing with that superficial shit" lol?


    I'm kinda hoping he doesn't post. I'll ignore it if he does.
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    Oct 31, 2014 8:23 PM GMT
    Again to reitterate how ALL people, gay and straight, are superficial at the core...

    Remember that story about the dog run bodybuilder that everyone including straight senior citizen couples were making a "circuitous beeline" for to bask in his orbit?

    A lesser version about me...

    When I'm ripped with exactly the same body language (posture, level of attentiveness, etc.), people straight and gay get very touchy-feely; a hand on my shoulder or traps here, a hand grazing my bicep or flat out grasping my upper arm there, in a way they NEVER are when I'm bulky/fat. I'm sure each and every one of them would deny being superficial too.
  • johnnyqhomo7

    Posts: 119

    Oct 31, 2014 9:27 PM GMT
    Kudos to you for losing weight, I know its hard. I have stopped smoking and that is the first health step I have taken. My mom died of lung cancer 3 days ago, so I am still reeling from that loss. I don't want to die of heart disease, stroke, lung cancer, emphysema etc...How did you lose weight exactly? What is your secret?
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    Oct 31, 2014 11:20 PM GMT
    When I first met my fag hag in my junior year of high school, she was a whopping 220 pounds. After we were friends for about 2 years she lost 60 pounds. Although she hasn't met her goal yet, her face, arms, legs, looked significantly different by just shedding 60 pounds off. Once she was about 160(shes 5'8 ) she suddenly had all these guys(hot ones too) coming after her even though she didnt even reach her goal. She was very happy because she had been fat all her life and finally guys were responding to her in a good way. Honestly the months of telling yourself to eat well and exercise is always worth it at the end. She went from being called the "fat girl" to brooke shields because her face had slimmed so down that her features looked very much like Shields especially her distinct eye brows. I was so proud of her.
  • muscleboundfe...

    Posts: 392

    Nov 01, 2014 12:16 AM GMT
    socal56 saidWhen I first met my fag hag in my junior year of high school, she was a whopping 220 pounds. After we were friends for about 2 years she lost 60 pounds. Although she hasn't met her goal yet, her face, arms, legs, looked significantly different by just shedding 60 pounds off. Once she was about 160(shes 5'8 ) she suddenly had all these guys(hot ones too) coming after her even though she didnt even reach her goal. She was very happy because she had been fat all her life and finally guys were responding to her in a good way. Honestly the months of telling yourself to eat well and exercise is always worth it at the end. She went from being called the "fat girl" to brooke shields because her face had slimmed so down that her features looked very much like Shields especially her distinct eye brows. I was so proud of her.


    My profile picture is of me nearly a year ago (90 lbs heavier). When I show people that picture they ask me, "who's that". Apparently I look very different. Good for your friend by the way. I don't have guys trying to get my attention. I've also been told that I don't look gay and I'm starting to notice women looking at me like they want me to flirt with them. That's a very unexpected consequence.
  • muscleboundfe...

    Posts: 392

    Nov 01, 2014 12:19 AM GMT
    eagermuscle saidAgain to reitterate how ALL people, gay and straight, are superficial at the core...

    Remember that story about the dog run bodybuilder that everyone including straight senior citizen couples were making a "circuitous beeline" for to bask in his orbit?

    A lesser version about me...

    When I'm ripped with exactly the same body language (posture, level of attentiveness, etc.), people straight and gay get very touchy-feely; a hand on my shoulder or traps here, a hand grazing my bicep or flat out grasping my upper arm there, in a way they NEVER are when I'm bulky/fat. I'm sure each and every one of them would deny being superficial too.


    Even though I'm out at work, men in my profession are often assumed to be gay, a female coworker has started to touch my chest when she talks to me. We are all superficial. The only bitterness I have after losing weight is at those who claim not to be.
  • muscleboundfe...

    Posts: 392

    Nov 01, 2014 12:28 AM GMT
    johnnyqhomo7 saidKudos to you for losing weight, I know its hard. I have stopped smoking and that is the first health step I have taken. My mom died of lung cancer 3 days ago, so I am still reeling from that loss. I don't want to die of heart disease, stroke, lung cancer, emphysema etc...How did you lose weight exactly? What is your secret?


    Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about your mother's death. I know I can't understand what you are going through but I care and wish the best for you.

    If there was any secret it was that I stopped trying to loose weight other people's way. I stopped beating myself up when I hit a setback. I have developed many excuses, not, to over eat and to go to the gym. Their have been times when just finishing a workout I didn't want to do made me feel like a bad ass. I give myself permission to tell myself in working harder than every other dude in that gym. I give myself permission to fail because even if I loose a battle here and there I, am, winning the war.

    Doubt can pretty much suck my big fat dick at this point.
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    Nov 01, 2014 1:41 AM GMT
    wooow dude , when you see improvements you think
    "bitch please" braaaah how you gonna get to the big goal if you cant even appretiate the little steps along the way. besides those little improvements are there to show you your on the right track! keep hitting that iron

    it%252520takes%2525204%252520weeks%25252
  • muscleboundfe...

    Posts: 392

    Nov 01, 2014 2:19 AM GMT
    iSOLDIER saidwooow dude , when you see improvements you think
    "bitch please" braaaah how you gonna get to the big goal if you cant even appretiate the little steps along the way. besides those little improvements are there to show you your on the right track! keep hitting that iron

    it%252520takes%2525204%252520weeks%25252


    Maybe I should have been clearer. That bitch please is directed at the dudes who expect me to beg. I like what I'm seeing and I'm becoming less pressed about the dudes who don't see what I'm seeing.

    I saw this much more ripped guy at the gym last night. I'm starting to think I have a very similar body shape to him, it's starting to show. Yasssss, because his muscle structure shits on almost everyone else in that gym. From what my mirror is telling me, my body will be the shit.
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    Nov 01, 2014 7:55 PM GMT
    This is my motto..

    icon_lol.gif

    U0Ws9fY.jpg
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    Nov 01, 2014 9:08 PM GMT
    muscleboundfem said
    socal56 saidWhen I first met my fag hag in my junior year of high school, she was a whopping 220 pounds. After we were friends for about 2 years she lost 60 pounds. Although she hasn't met her goal yet, her face, arms, legs, looked significantly different by just shedding 60 pounds off. Once she was about 160(shes 5'8 ) she suddenly had all these guys(hot ones too) coming after her even though she didnt even reach her goal. She was very happy because she had been fat all her life and finally guys were responding to her in a good way. Honestly the months of telling yourself to eat well and exercise is always worth it at the end. She went from being called the "fat girl" to brooke shields because her face had slimmed so down that her features looked very much like Shields especially her distinct eye brows. I was so proud of her.


    My profile picture is of me nearly a year ago (90 lbs heavier). When I show people that picture they ask me, "who's that". Apparently I look very different. Good for your friend by the way. I don't have guys trying to get my attention. I've also been told that I don't look gay and I'm starting to notice women looking at me like they want me to flirt with them. That's a very unexpected consequence.


    Wow, good for you. 90 lbs is a lot and I'm definitely not surprised it changed your features as well. Progress is a good motivator. I have the opposite problem, my low self esteem comes from being skinny and every pound I gain is just motivator for me. I'm still far from my goal but I know I'll get there eventually. I've been skinny all my life and never really liked it because I was always perceived as weak/dorky when I was younger. In your case, even if women are the ones responding to you, that is a good sign! I always take it as a compliment when a girl notices me because I can never tell with guy, especially when I can't tell if they're straight or gay lol.
  • swim_storm

    Posts: 3

    Nov 01, 2014 11:43 PM GMT
    I've been working heaps out and trying to look good for a little while now but as yet, no one has noticed any change in how I look or said anything about it. I still get avoided / ignored when I go out and I guess my only real hope is that if I stick with it long enough I'll eventually look attractive enough for someone to pay attention to.

    As much as people might say to you "but you've got a great personality" or "you're a really nice guy" the reality it - no one is gonna take more than 5 seconds to learn about you because they've already judged you on how you look.

    It's a sad but all my experience has been along those lines. I guess in recent months I've tried to turn it around and use it as my driving force to go to the gym more often and it seems to be working. I just wish sometimes someone would notice me for it.

    Anyway, I'm off to the gym now.
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    Nov 02, 2014 1:22 AM GMT
    xrichx saidThis is my motto..

    icon_lol.gif

    U0Ws9fY.jpg

    what workout is this supposed to be?
    constipated meme face?
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    Nov 02, 2014 3:05 AM GMT
    Age, health, earning power, relationships, jobs, fitness, are all variable. It's all how you arrange your time and priorities. Fat asses have the same 24 hour day as non fat asses, and they're exposed to the same sort of social situations as non fat asses. Don't get healthy for anyone but yourself. Balance is important, though, and, a bit of everything isn't all bad. We someone is overweight it speaks lack of discipline, lack of focus, poor education, and so on. Sure, there are cultural and money factors, but, even poor folks can behave properly when it comes to their relationship with diet and exercise.

    Most often, being overweight is a symptom of a deeper mental health issue. Often, compounded low self acceptance. Only you can change that.

    We all are going to get old. We are all going to die. How we choose to spend our lives is up to us. It's just that simple. It truly is.

    I spent a year living in my car. I've survived open heart surgery without a heart attack. I give 40% of my paycheck every week to the government, and...I'm o.k. with that...but, you have to help yourself and take personal responsibility for your own physical and mental health. That means becoming informed. I've spent hours honing my crafts / interests. Research upon research. Daily, I build technology that affects millions. That's all by design.

    Growing up; being gay...can be hard, because we beat ourselves up mentally. We get it in our head via false belief systems that there is something wrong with us. There isn't. "Getting ahead" is about strategic planning, marketing, work, luck, and social skills. Gay does not entitle you to be clueless.

    With self acceptance comes more happiness; more comfort; less anxiety.

    Exercise, and proper diet, are powerful anti depressants, and you're able to learn 20% faster than a fat, out of shape, person. You, though, have to take action. For yourself. Not for the approval of others, but, to be alive; feel well; live a long and happy life.

    Being gay is no big deal.