a question for reformed sluts

  • scratchart

    Posts: 18

    Nov 06, 2014 4:28 PM GMT
    Long time listener, first time caller here. Hoping for some input on an issue with the boyfriend. We've been together 6 months now and I'm very happy. He is as well but has some concerns about feeling that he is the one always initiating sex.

    Long story short, I've been out for about 20 years. I always saw myself as a monogamous kind of guy, but I wasn't in a relationship for all that time. So I was a slut instead. Not a 10 guys a night bathhouse slut, but a trying to take home a new guy from the bar each weekend slut. I did pretty well for myself and had a ton of fun (but it was very lonely too).

    I was pretty sexually aggressive when I was a single. I guess I knew they were quick flings so I tried to wring as much pleasure out of it as possible. I was constantly horny, masturbated a ton, and wondered at times if I had a porn addiction.

    When I met the boyfriend I was the aggressor and we had really hot sex at the beginning. We still have sex pretty regularly but he's right that I let him initiate things. I haven't cheated and won't but I have to admit I miss the chase - those thrilling moments when you see someone new that you want and then you get it. I think my bf is hot and I want to please him but I'm just not as horny as I used to be and he takes that personally as if he's doing something wrong.

    My sense is that I have some intimacy issues that manifested as whoredom when I was single (sex without attachment) and now they are manifesting as frigidity or timidity in a relationship. I'm basically an old lesbian now who would rather cuddle than go to pound town. I feel like I'm holding back but can't figure out why.

    Anyway, I'll stop there and see if there are questions or any insight. Has anyone else experienced something like this? I know if there's anywhere to go for the opinions of sluts it's here icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2014 4:43 PM GMT
    Pretty sure you're right
    Somehow the conquest matters to you more than the relationship
    So? Fix it or allow him the freedom to find someone more compatible
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Nov 06, 2014 4:48 PM GMT
    I don't think you're unusual at all. There's an exciting component to "STRANGE" as I like to call it that you lose with a partner. That gets replaced by affection and ultimately love but the crazy urgency goes. You sound like you're right at that crossroad and yes, six months in is a bit early to lose the fireworks, but you can do two things. One, be honest with your guy and vocal and loving about how you feel. The other is the two of you get out and about and get geared up together like you did when you were single. Dance shirtless in a crowd of men and you'll feel it. Skinnydip in a hotel pool at midnight and try to not get caught and you'll feel it. Whatever turns you on. Don't avoid talking about other guys you see that you find hot. Stay open. Don't shut down. Enjoy. One last thing-- Don't assume you've figured out all your partner's erotic turn-ons. Keep exploring. After a while, no one will ever be a better lover than you for him and vice-versa.
  • scratchart

    Posts: 18

    Nov 06, 2014 5:54 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI don't think you're unusual at all. There's an exciting component to "STRANGE" as I like to call it that you lose with a partner. That gets replaced by affection and ultimately love but the crazy urgency goes. You sound like you're right at that crossroad and yes, six months in is a bit early to lose the fireworks, but you can do two things. One, be honest with your guy and vocal and loving about how you feel. The other is the two of you get out and about and get geared up together like you did when you were single. Dance shirtless in a crowd of men and you'll feel it. Skinnydip in a hotel pool at midnight and try to not get caught and you'll feel it. Whatever turns you on. Don't avoid talking about other guys you see that you find hot. Stay open. Don't shut down. Enjoy. One last thing-- Don't assume you've figured out all your partner's erotic turn-ons. Keep exploring. After a while, no one will ever be a better lover than you for him and vice-versa.


    Good stuff, thanks. It's funny but he's real touchy about me checking out other guys or looking at pron - I haven't yet figured out how to tell him that me doing those things is in his best interest as it can get me all riled up and he will be the beneficiary of my horniness.

    Things are better when we go out and have some drinks or when we travel - I'm better able to let myself go and get out of my head.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Nov 06, 2014 6:08 PM GMT
    scratchart said
    Destinharbor saidI don't think you're unusual at all. There's an exciting component to "STRANGE" as I like to call it that you lose with a partner. That gets replaced by affection and ultimately love but the crazy urgency goes. You sound like you're right at that crossroad and yes, six months in is a bit early to lose the fireworks, but you can do two things. One, be honest with your guy and vocal and loving about how you feel. The other is the two of you get out and about and get geared up together like you did when you were single. Dance shirtless in a crowd of men and you'll feel it. Skinnydip in a hotel pool at midnight and try to not get caught and you'll feel it. Whatever turns you on. Don't avoid talking about other guys you see that you find hot. Stay open. Don't shut down. Enjoy. One last thing-- Don't assume you've figured out all your partner's erotic turn-ons. Keep exploring. After a while, no one will ever be a better lover than you for him and vice-versa.


    Good stuff, thanks. It's funny but he's real touchy about me checking out other guys or looking at pron - I haven't yet figured out how to tell him that me doing those things is in his best interest as it can get me all riled up and he will be the beneficiary of my horniness.

    Things are better when we go out and have some drinks or when we travel - I'm better able to let myself go and get out of my head.


    When my partner and I first got together, he got ticked off one time that I still looked at porn and got on sites like this. I explained to him that I had some online friends that I'd been in contact with for years on these sites and that I'm still a guy, I like to look. BUT, I agreed to stop completely for a while if he wanted me to, just after I sent off a couple of notes to some of those guys. I also gave him all my password and ID info and told him he was free to log on and read messages, anything he wanted. After a while, six months I think, he relaxed and told me not to worry about it anymore. He trusted me. As for checking out other guys, I started pointing out guys I thought he'd like and asking what he thought. Since we have very different taste in men, he didn't feel threatened and eventually felt secure in commenting on guys, though I still don't comment on guys for me but he does. Communication is the key. Lots of it. Keeps things from boiling over.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2014 6:25 PM GMT
    scratchart said...My sense is that I have some intimacy issues that manifested as whoredom when I was single (sex without attachment) and now they are manifesting as frigidity or timidity in a relationship.


    That's one interpretation, but I suspect it because you judge enjoying sex as slutty, which to me is societal bullshit.

    Also, sexual attraction is not a measure of any capacity of intimacy. That's more societal bullshit often espoused by people who can't get laid. Oh, you don't want to have sex with me so therefore you are incapable of love. lol. People are idiots.

    It could simply be that you are just not as sexually into this guy as you thought you were. Enjoying sex with others, to me, is a separate issue. It could be that you are not monogamous by nature. Nothing wrong with that.

    What is telling is that this guy doesn't turn you on as he once did. My best open relationship was with a guy who was a total turn on for me but also we played with others. We had lots of fun. And the sex with him was as good 10 years into the relationship as it was in the beginning. We were absolutely in sexual tune with each other, often reaching orgasm simultaneously all throughout our partnership. That would even happen with the third party with us where everyone would come at the same time. One time right then the fucking bed broke. Crazy fun.

    Even years after the passing of my love, I still lust for him. So I don't buy for one second that enjoying sex with others necessarily reflects on feelings towards a partner. And I certainly do not equate sexual attraction with intimacy which is another five paragraphs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2014 6:51 PM GMT
    The reason you're holding back is that you're afraid of, don't want, or cannot be emotionally intimate and vulnerable with him. I would start by asking yourself if any of these is true, and then decide how you want to address it.