finally out

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    Nov 07, 2014 3:29 AM GMT
    I am recently out and closeted for pretty much my whole life. So now i'm 30 and feel kind of behind or out of the loop. it seems like it would be so hard to find a companion except through some kind of dating site. and even then i am honestly kind of frightened by the idea of fully being myself - and yet that's all i can be. Anyone else come out late? what was your experience like?
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    Nov 07, 2014 3:38 AM GMT
    DIBS

    BAGS

    Bagsies
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    Nov 07, 2014 4:08 AM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidI am recently out and closeted for pretty much my whole life. So now i'm 30 and feel kind of behind or out of the loop. it seems like it would be so hard to find a companion except through some kind of dating site. and even then i am honestly kind of frightened by the idea of fully being myself - and yet that's all i can be. Anyone else come out late? what was your experience like?


    Recently went to my first gay bar (of sorts) a couple weekends in a row; it was absolutely amazing. Going to a local gay community meeting tomorrow morning for my first men's breakfast, and looking forward to that. I may not have many results to draw on yet, but so far looking for local gay hangouts and organizations has been going well; I'd recommend doing the same if you can. It's been a real relief to find that gay men in the real world -- at least after a certain age, and at least where I find myself now -- appear to approach each other with far greater respect and dignity than I've found online.

    If you do happen to end up stepping in anything here on RJ, don't let it darken your outlook. I keep finding new things to be grateful for in the real world the more comfortable I become with being openly gay. Hopefully you'll feel the same to one extent or another.
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    Nov 07, 2014 5:16 AM GMT
    I was 24 when I came out, so not as late as you, but had the same feelings -- that I was behind the loop and needed to "catch up". Relationship wise, I felt like a high schooler because I had never really had any experience whatsoever.

    those feelings will come and go as time goes on. just be safe. use your judgement. and know that there's a LOT of guys out there just like you.
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    Nov 07, 2014 5:38 AM GMT
    Dontcha know 30 is the new 19?
    Plenty of guys come out at 40, even 50.
    Don't worry about the past.
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    Nov 07, 2014 8:03 AM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidI am recently out and closeted for pretty much my whole life. So now i'm 30 and feel kind of behind or out of the loop. it seems like it would be so hard to find a companion except through some kind of dating site. and even then i am honestly kind of frightened by the idea of fully being myself - and yet that's all i can be. Anyone else come out late? what was your experience like?


    Well done on coming out, it's a huge thing to do! This is a new you really. You'll come to terms with it soon.

    I came out this summer (31), and everyone apart from my dad have been okay with it. I would rather put up with a little bit of prejudice from one person than live a lie.

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    Nov 07, 2014 11:12 AM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidI am recently out and closeted for pretty much my whole life. So now i'm 30 and feel kind of behind or out of the loop. it seems like it would be so hard to find a companion except through some kind of dating site. and even then i am honestly kind of frightened by the idea of fully being myself - and yet that's all i can be. Anyone else come out late? what was your experience like?

    Congrats!

    I stared coming out of my lifelong closet at 32 right after my divorce. Friends first, then family, and finally just a few moths ago at work.

    I think as society loses more and more of the negative stigma of homosexuality, more and more folks will be coming out. So in a way, you're one of the trendsetters!
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    Nov 07, 2014 12:45 PM GMT
    Congratulations. It's scary and disruptive to come out. It's hard for people who are theoretically ok with gay to adjust how they think of you. They've gotten used to viewing you as hetero and now they know the truth. So be patient with them but at the same time, it's your life. You're not responsible for anyone else's happiness!

    I have no tips on how to be a 'real' gay. If you figure it out let me know!
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    Nov 07, 2014 1:25 PM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidI am recently out and closeted for pretty much my whole life. So now i'm 30 and feel kind of behind or out of the loop. it seems like it would be so hard to find a companion except through some kind of dating site. and even then i am honestly kind of frightened by the idea of fully being myself - and yet that's all i can be. Anyone else come out late? what was your experience like?


    Scary at first but I was lucky to meet some really nice guys supportive during the transition. Mine was additionally tough because there was a divorce involved. I joined this site and others to get up to speed faster than real life experience would afford. There are tons of guys in the same boat as you so you can even use that as a commonality to bond. When you fall in love with a great guy you will really feel great about being gay.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 07, 2014 2:07 PM GMT
    I was 32 when I "accepted" who I am and ended up involved with my partner before I really said anything to anybody. I would describe "coming out" as a gradual process over several years. I really don't regret coming out in my 20's, I became very confident in who I am as a person and accepting my sexuality just seemed a component of the process. No regrets certainly and enjoying life and that's what it is all about.

    Congrats on your taking the step!
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    Nov 07, 2014 2:12 PM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidI am recently out and closeted for pretty much my whole life. So now i'm 30 and feel kind of behind or out of the loop. it seems like it would be so hard to find a companion except through some kind of dating site. and even then i am honestly kind of frightened by the idea of fully being myself - and yet that's all i can be. Anyone else come out late? what was your experience like?


    congrats! It's tough no matter what the age. Hopefully you got good responses from those you told?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Nov 07, 2014 5:17 PM GMT
    Most guys go a bit wild when they first come out. I did. Nothing wrong with that except staying safe both from STD's and the occasional wanker with bad intent. And as to coming out, you never fully complete the process. You will always be debating with yourself who to tell and who doesn't need to know about your sex life. And you'll find it is pretty much always the same, some fear of rejection. But it gets easier and easier to just be yourself. Ditching long held habits that were your cover story and also realizing you have the opportunity to reinvent yourself to a limited extent. Have fun. And dating sites are great. You know more about someone the minute you read their profile than you ever would meeting them in a bar. If there's an attraction, start a conversation and see if there's chemistry.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Nov 07, 2014 5:32 PM GMT
    Momentous as the decision to come out may be to you on a very personal level, it really does not have much impact on your dating success. Out or not, strangely does not affect your level of attraction when it comes to dating at all. At times, being openly out is even detrimental to successful dating, in particular if you bump into a closeted dude.

    I often think about it as being the case of dude who opened up a company, paid all the expenses, taxes, and what not, but still has no customers far and wide. (Sorry for the somewhat rude comparison.)

    Part with the idea that just because you are openly gay, other guys will now want to be your (boy)friends. It takes much more than that. It takes all the footwork every guy has to do if he wants to start dating. There is really no shortcut there.

    SC

  • metta

    Posts: 39089

    Nov 07, 2014 7:02 PM GMT
    223964_TN_shadow.png

  • Nov 07, 2014 8:12 PM GMT
    Just be yourself, enjoy this new chapter of your life!
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    Nov 07, 2014 8:23 PM GMT
    I didn't come out until much later than 30. I took to it like a duck takes to water. Be yourself and it will all come naturally because it is who you naturally are.
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    Nov 07, 2014 8:48 PM GMT
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    Nov 07, 2014 9:21 PM GMT
    I was 38. Honesty is so liberating though isn't it?. Cogratulations on making the tough decision. Be yourself, the rest will happen
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    Nov 07, 2014 9:40 PM GMT
    I came out in my late 20's. Congratulations to you and all the best to you on the next stage of your life's path! Be yourself and don't worry about artificial timetables and checklists.
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    Nov 07, 2014 10:57 PM GMT
    Congrats!
  • poh123

    Posts: 1

    Nov 08, 2014 1:41 PM GMT
    Wow congratulations dude. Any advice for a closeted bi curious man with no gay friends?
  • gr8outdoors

    Posts: 11

    Nov 08, 2014 8:27 PM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidI am recently out and closeted for pretty much my whole life. So now i'm 30 and feel kind of behind or out of the loop. it seems like it would be so hard to find a companion except through some kind of dating site. and even then i am honestly kind of frightened by the idea of fully being myself - and yet that's all i can be. Anyone else come out late? what was your experience like?


    Same, but you're already a step ahead of me. 31 and only out to a couple close friends.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3516

    Nov 08, 2014 8:44 PM GMT
    have fun. the easiest thing to do and the point you will eventually get to in another 3-5 years, is that you have always been gay, it is no big deal, and you will not have patience for those who are still in the closet and you have to deal with them and their fears (in reall life, not online like here). You will learn to impulsively say congrats like we are all here, but not really care other then having the empathy of having been there. There is a pretty definite path when someone comes out and we all know where you are on that timeline and how long it will take to get to gay being boring in your life.

    1. Fear. You just broke that barrier. You have some more chairs to kick out from under you, as the rest get told...including homophobes at work level of being out. You will be doing this for a few years.

    2. Candy store. Basically you are a horny 17 year old doing all the things they do

    3. Rainbow Everything. Your first date, first pride, all the stickers on cars you notice, etc. You will notice how everything in your life suddenly is gay, and others will seem jaded about your newfound noticing all the signs that were always there. You go to the gay stores and overspend on gay rainbow crap that you wouldnt be caught dead in in 5 years.

    4. Gay is boring. After a few years, gay wont be new, and it will be boring. You will find that nobody cares, everyone knew all along, your family doesnt care, and you will have to find something else to worry about in your life, as being gay goes back to being 5% of your life instead of everything that matters to you. You will get some of your friends back who are bored with dealing with rainbow everything kids.

    5. First real relationship living with someone and the problems being co dependent on someone when there are bills to pay.

    ---

    It is a fairly predictable path...feel you will be everyone else here in 5 years wishing you had started when you were 17 and no idea what the hold up was.


    have fun.
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    Nov 09, 2014 12:07 AM GMT
    wildtruffle14 saidI am recently out and closeted for pretty much my whole life. So now i'm 30 and feel kind of behind or out of the loop. it seems like it would be so hard to find a companion except through some kind of dating site. and even then i am honestly kind of frightened by the idea of fully being myself - and yet that's all i can be. Anyone else come out late? what was your experience like?


    congrats on coming out!
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    Nov 09, 2014 10:17 PM GMT
    Congrats! I came out at 21 but I don't know if it was any advantage. I know I had a ton of prejudices about gay men and I got over most of them by hanging out with groups of gay, most often while sober. I worry about kids like you who can just go online and have dick delivered to your door.

    PS I think people were tolerant with my initial prejudices because I was cute. So you have that going for you. Now it sounds like I think you are prejudiced. I just meant that you would probably be forgiven most missteps in community groups or similar seeing as you are newly out (and cute). So don't worry!