Polyamorous Relationships?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2014 3:58 PM GMT
    Im fascinated by the dynamics of a polyamorous relationship.Would you get into one? the variables ranginging from why?

    1.If you are partnered up already
    2.If you are asked to join partnered people and
    3.What would your concerns be
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Nov 07, 2014 4:16 PM GMT
    I can't imagine how this would work. There's something so basic about two people who commit to each other and put their very lives in each other's safe hands. I can theorize how a polyamorous relationship might work but I just don't see how you get around the fact that it means you're not completely reliant on just this one, singular person. You always have options. Sure, a three-way sexually is a tasty prospect but I can't see the amorous part.
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    Nov 07, 2014 4:22 PM GMT
    Whatever floats your boat. At least poly guys aren't cheating or in open relationships. There is still love involved.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Nov 07, 2014 4:55 PM GMT
    Different people at different stages in life seek very different things in their (poly)amorous relationships.

    Say, you are in your mid-20's. Say, you live in a metro area. You are a reasonable dude, and want to enjoy your life, build up your career, buy a first home, etc. You are really not expecting that your LTR will last for the next 30 years. It may, but the chances are that it won't.

    You are focusing on the fun part. Reliability is fine but this is really not your main concern. You, and your partner(s) know that you are going through a transient phase in life. So, being polyamorous addresses your need to date, romance and yeah, have sex with a group of 2-3 other people whom you are emotionally attached to in this stage of your life. You are not into the ball-and-chain relationship kind. And you also do not feel like cruising every night to meet yet another, probably unknown dude with whom you may not have any emotional link whatsoever.

    You want to do things, go places. You have your plans. One of your partners shares some of your interests, but not the others. Why force people into watching football games if they are really into classical music?

    So, a complex relationship pattern develops.

    I used to date a dude I was going to college with. He was fun to be with, and we spent hours working on our school projects, making sure that we pass our exams, make it to dean's list, etc. Both of us liked two other guys both of whom were in the deep closet. Their time with us was pretty limited. One of them was happy to connect once or twice a week for a hot sex session. The other one was a free dude who chose to stay in closet, but was happy to hang out together with anyone of us, make short trips, and enjoy the company, dinners, concerts, whatever and whenever he felt like it.

    There was still a huge amount of giving and taking involved. But it worked pretty well for all of us for a couple of years. Which is a long time in a life of a postgrad studenticon_smile.gif. Then the life interfered as it usually does. One guy got married, and moved on. One dude got a job in a different town. I moved on to live and work abroad.

    Parting with the guys was not easy. But we all saw this coming. Everyone agreed though that we had had some great time together. There were stories to be told, and some awesome sex to be remembered.

    Would I do it again, under the same circumstances? Yup, at a drop of a hat.

    SC
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    Nov 07, 2014 4:58 PM GMT
    If partnered, how do you come to the decision that you need a third? why would you think so and is it both parties or just one that decided that's the way forward? How would it make the other partner feel especially if they didn't come up with the idea.

    If you get the invitation I'm assuming you have concerns such as why you,why would you? Would you feel insecure or jealous over the bond the first two have and wont you be jealous as well.
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    Nov 07, 2014 5:01 PM GMT
    Just like sexuality is complex, human emotions are also very complex. Yes, there have been people that fall in love with more than one person.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Nov 07, 2014 5:43 PM GMT
    mondli88 saidIf partnered, how do you come to the decision that you need a third? why would you think so and is it both parties or just one that decided that's the way forward? How would it make the other partner feel especially if they didn't come up with the idea.

    If you get the invitation I'm assuming you have concerns such as why you,why would you? Would you feel insecure or jealous over the bond the first two have and wont you be jealous as well.

    Yes, I would expect there would be some jealousy and some hurt feelings if you're really talking about polyamorous, not just a three-way sexual thing. But the truth is that all relationships are more complicated than they appear. If my partner suggested it, I'd feel threatened and hurt but I'd try to honestly understand. Love makes you do such things. And maybe it could work but I doubt it. If I were invited into an existing couple's relationship, I'd certainly need to feel wanted by both but yes, it could get tricky if I felt like a third wheel to their relationship. That said, people are complicated and generalities don't apply. I have talked to guys in poly situations and found it to be working for them. So I guess as with any connection, it really just depends on the guys and the chemistry.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Nov 07, 2014 5:45 PM GMT
    mondli88 saidIf partnered, how do you come to the decision that you need a third? why would you think so and is it both parties or just one that decided that's the way forward? How would it make the other partner feel especially if they didn't come up with the idea.

    If you get the invitation I'm assuming you have concerns such as why you,why would you? Would you feel insecure or jealous over the bond the first two have and wont you be jealous as well.


    Nope. You do not come to the decision that you need a third. This simply happens. If you see your bf as someone whom you kinda own, this will never work. If you see him as a free man who still has right to explore his sexuality, because you want to do the same, within a reasonable environment then it works just fine.

    Being jealous as in being possessive is incompatible with polyamorous relationships. Rationally, there is no reason for you to desire to "own" your BF. He won't get pregnant, and you won't be raising other guy's kids.

    When it comes to all-male polyamorous relationships, much of what makes it possible is the radical parting from the heteronormativity which is based on sexual exclusivity. Once you understand and agree that the "exclusivity" as in self-imposed or willingly embraced monogamy is meaningless among many naturally promiscuous men, you are ready to start enjoying polyamory.

    Now, this is not right for everyone. Nothing really is. If your ideal of personal fulfillment rests on the ideal of an exclusive monogamous relationship, do not go into the world of polyamory. You'll get unnecessarily hurt.

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    Nov 07, 2014 7:05 PM GMT
    thanks guys....two very different perspectives.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Nov 07, 2014 7:22 PM GMT
    I always thought it would be fun to be polyamorous. It takes three for a proper spitroast, after all...

    BUT now that I'm married, what I have is more than I thought a relationship could be. Adding another person would ruin it, for me. It would be like deciding to do meth. Why would I want to ruin my life to do meth? The fun wouldn't last. My marriage wouldn't be the same if it took another form, and I don't want to lose what I have.

    I do however have friends who are bisexual and polyamorous, and they seem happier for it, so it's a personal choice, and I'm supportive of other peoples' relationships.icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 08, 2014 3:41 AM GMT
    The title makes a great oxymoron icon_razz.gif
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    Nov 08, 2014 3:44 AM GMT
    kevex saidWhatever floats your boat. At least poly guys aren't cheating or in open relationships. There is still love involved.



    I've met LOTS of people in Poly relationships but have yet to encounter one that was not also Open. And to suggest open relationships are not loving is ignorant, but I would expect nothing less from you.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Nov 08, 2014 5:46 AM GMT
    I agree with Scruffy here. Once you enter the polyamorous world, you chuck the idea of monogamy overboard. The two really do not go together.

    Practically, much, possibly everything sexual happens within the group, though. Not because this is a rule that no one dares to break but because it is a matter of convenience. Why would you want to waste your time looking for the other dudes, when you usually have one of them aroundicon_lol.gif

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 09, 2014 3:05 PM GMT
    mondli88 saidIf partnered, how do you come to the decision that you need a third? why would you think so and is it both parties or just one that decided that's the way forward? How would it make the other partner feel especially if they didn't come up with the idea.

    If you get the invitation I'm assuming you have concerns such as why you,why would you? Would you feel insecure or jealous over the bond the first two have and wont you be jealous as well.


    Nobody decides to fall in love. That's just not how it works no matter the number of people involved.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Nov 09, 2014 3:10 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidI agree with Scruffy here. Once you enter the polyamorous world, you chuck the idea of monogamy overboard. The two really do not go together.

    Practically, much, possibly everything sexual happens within the group, though. Not because this is a rule that no one dares to break but because it is a matter of convenience. Why would you want to waste your time looking for the other dudes, when you usually have one of them aroundicon_lol.gif

    SC

    Sounds more like single people in an exclusive private sex club than a relationship, when you put it like that.
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    Nov 09, 2014 3:20 PM GMT
    mondli88 saidIm fascinated by the dynamics of a polyamorous relationship.Would you get into one? the variables ranginging from why?

    1.If you are partnered up already
    2.If you are asked to join partnered people and
    3.What would your concerns be


    My ex boyfriend used to be with a transgendered woman and she was gorgeous and I was so jealous of her because of what they had lol…..I even wanted him to hate her because I was jealous of her, anyways she lived a few doors down so it was unavoidable that we would meet and when we did we ended up becoming friends and had deep talks (which was stupid) because she loved him and he still loved her which I didn't understand at the time because he was with me…..I later realised that I was selfish and really lacking in emotional intelligence and spiritual enlightenment so i was prepared to share him with her and bring her into our relationship because I had grown to like her too but it was too late she had grown cold and had moved on.

    My dream is to be a part of a commune where we all live together like a big family and fuck who we want when we want and live by our own rules.
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    Nov 09, 2014 7:35 PM GMT
    Just offering my personal opinion (with no real experience) here, but I'm someone who is never comfortable 'settling down'. Every month or so, I get tired of whatever I'm surrounded by, and want an adventure--something different, exciting. If I became close with someone who shared that enthusiasm, who was always in search of adventure, I'd probably spend a lot of time with them.

    But this monogamous concept of "let's hold hands, never let go, and live the rest of our lives together" just seems so...restrictive, to me. We only have one life (that we can be anywhere near certain of having), and even if I care deeply for someone, if there's a level of commitment that requires me to sacrifice my time doing something or being with someone that (or who) doesn't bring absolute pleasure into my life--and it isn't something essential, like work/job/career--then, honestly, I'd rather avoid it.

    ...I could probably explain this better, but some other time. I saw the topic and wanted to reply to it while I was at least somewhat focused. Perhaps later I'll refine my opinions, or, who knows, maybe answer questions. In any case, I personally see nothing wrong with polyamory.
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    Nov 09, 2014 8:00 PM GMT
    Kodiak saidJust offering my personal opinion (with no real experience) here, but I'm someone who is never comfortable 'settling down'. Every month or so, I get tired of whatever I'm surrounded by, and want an adventure--something different, exciting. If I became close with someone who shared that enthusiasm, who was always in search of adventure, I'd probably spend a lot of time with them.

    But this monogamous concept of "let's hold hands, never let go, and live the rest of our lives together" just seems so...restrictive, to me. We only have one life (that we can be anywhere near certain of having), and even if I care deeply for someone, if there's a level of commitment that requires me to sacrifice my time doing something or being with someone that (or who) doesn't bring absolute pleasure into my life--and it isn't something essential, like work/job/career--then, honestly, I'd rather avoid it.

    ...I could probably explain this better, but some other time. I saw the topic and wanted to reply to it while I was at least somewhat focused. Perhaps later I'll refine my opinions, or, who knows, maybe answer questions. In any case, I personally see nothing wrong with polyamory.



    That's because humans aren't supposed to be monogamous. Monogamy is just a social construct.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Nov 09, 2014 8:25 PM GMT
    Kodiak saidJust offering my personal opinion (with no real experience) here, but I'm someone who is never comfortable 'settling down'. Every month or so, I get tired of whatever I'm surrounded by, and want an adventure--something different, exciting. If I became close with someone who shared that enthusiasm, who was always in search of adventure, I'd probably spend a lot of time with them.

    But this monogamous concept of "let's hold hands, never let go, and live the rest of our lives together" just seems so...restrictive, to me. We only have one life (that we can be anywhere near certain of having), and even if I care deeply for someone, if there's a level of commitment that requires me to sacrifice my time doing something or being with someone that (or who) doesn't bring absolute pleasure into my life--and it isn't something essential, like work/job/career--then, honestly, I'd rather avoid it.

    ...I could probably explain this better, but some other time. I saw the topic and wanted to reply to it while I was at least somewhat focused. Perhaps later I'll refine my opinions, or, who knows, maybe answer questions. In any case, I personally see nothing wrong with polyamory.

    It's only restrictive if it's not what you want. It sounds like you have wanderlust. That may always be the case, or you might someday settle down, but either way, a relationship doesn't have to mean planting roots to one spot. It's just another kind of journey which you can't go alone. You have to open your life up to another person. I guess the restriction people feel is that having a commitment is a responsibility to live up to the vows you make to each other, which may or may not include monogamy, though monogamy takes it to a level where you really are just focused on one person as your lover and that love is then everything to you.
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    Nov 09, 2014 8:30 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    Kodiak saidJust offering my personal opinion (with no real experience) here, but I'm someone who is never comfortable 'settling down'. Every month or so, I get tired of whatever I'm surrounded by, and want an adventure--something different, exciting. If I became close with someone who shared that enthusiasm, who was always in search of adventure, I'd probably spend a lot of time with them.

    But this monogamous concept of "let's hold hands, never let go, and live the rest of our lives together" just seems so...restrictive, to me. We only have one life (that we can be anywhere near certain of having), and even if I care deeply for someone, if there's a level of commitment that requires me to sacrifice my time doing something or being with someone that (or who) doesn't bring absolute pleasure into my life--and it isn't something essential, like work/job/career--then, honestly, I'd rather avoid it.

    ...I could probably explain this better, but some other time. I saw the topic and wanted to reply to it while I was at least somewhat focused. Perhaps later I'll refine my opinions, or, who knows, maybe answer questions. In any case, I personally see nothing wrong with polyamory.

    It's only restrictive if it's not what you want. It sounds like you have wanderlust. That may always be the case, or you might someday settle down, but either way, a relationship doesn't have to mean planting roots to one spot. It's just another kind of journey which you can't go alone. You have to open your life up to another person. I guess the restriction people feel is that having a commitment is a responsibility to live up to the vows you make to each other, which may or may not include monogamy, though monogamy takes it to a level where you really are just focused on one person as your lover and that love is then everything to you.



    And all successful relationships end in death. The end.
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    Nov 09, 2014 9:07 PM GMT
    I think those are both good points actually, kevex, Joe.

    To clarify my opinion just a little bit, I don't mean restrictive in terms of geography or anything. But for example, if I meet a very attractive man and have a relationship with him--but in the future I meet another attractive man and we get close--loving both of them seems like a valid option to me. Why wouldn't I want to enjoy the company of two individuals who may mean a lot to me? And, at the same time, peoples interests change.

    Like you say, Joe, "a relationship doesn't have to mean planting roots to one spot." Interests change, and I worry about the implications of making a life-long commitment to a single individual. To me it seems knowing and loving multiple people closely is "better" than focusing on a single individual.

    (I still feel like I'm using the wrong words to describe my position, though...I'm not feeling very imaginative today and can't come up with any good analogies sadly).

    *Actually, yeah! Kevex reminded me with his above response, that life is temporary. If there are 7.4 billion people in the world, and there are multiple individuals who I am happy being with, why would I select a single one of them to share intimate experiences and relationships with? Wouldn't the better option be to share such experiences with everyone, to enjoy and explore the unknown? I feel like the key word I'm trying to use is 'diversity'!

    Just more food for thought, still just throwing my opinions around.
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    Nov 10, 2014 7:31 AM GMT
    I can't do it. I'd get jealous.