Is my thinking wrong?

  • TheProfiler

    Posts: 1

    Nov 09, 2014 5:23 AM GMT
    I’ve always believe that if I worked hard, been conservative, educated myself, stabilized my career, financials in order, purchased a home,…etc, then I’d be ready for a relationship. I know what I want, but it just seems like I take one step forward, two steps back kind of thing. I’ve always believed that I have to have something to bring to the table, besides myself, in order to contribute to the relationship. I’m embarrassed to say that, at 53 years of age, I’ve never been in an LTR. I’m not a gold digger, free loader, or looking for a free ride, but I’m also tired of “hitting my head against the proverbial brick wall” trying to make it happen. Am I wrong in thinking that I should continue to wait until I’m stable in order to find someone who has their life together? I’d like the opinion of those who have successful careers and are financially stable. Do you look for the same or does it even matter? I’m educated, sane, employed, conservative, big hearted, but just haven’t reached that point in life where I thought I’d be by now.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Nov 09, 2014 5:46 AM GMT
    I think the best relationship would be you find someone and build a life together ... however ... if you're an older guy (which I am) your chances of finding someone are reduced, simply because other men are mostly already in a long term relationship. And you have to wonder about an older guy that hasn't achieved anything with their life ... the big question is, "why?" ... "is there something wrong with them, that they can't establish some sort of secure life? ... what could it be? drugs? alcohol? mental problems?" There's only so much baggage you want to take on as you get older. Hang in there, hopefully the right guy will come around, and if not, well, you still be okay, do the the things in life that make you feel good.
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    Nov 09, 2014 6:07 AM GMT
    Are you saying that you are financially unstable and therefore, the reason why you can't find an LTR? You should never limit yourself to finding a relationship just because you haven't achieved your personal finance goals. As long as you identify your financial limitations, define what you can contribute to the relationship and continue to work on your goals...then the relationship (based strictly on a financial standpoint), should work.
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    Nov 09, 2014 10:13 AM GMT
    ------EDIT------
    Okay because my previous post was much too long I've edited it down significantly.
    In general I don't think you're thinking is wrong, and I don't think it's wrong to want your partner to have some kind of stability.
    People often say that what you want in a relationship you should have the ability to offer on the table too, so in that respect it makes sense that you want stability in someone since that's something that you find important for yourself.
    Kind of like how fit guys want other fit guys.

    I don't necessarily think that you're trying to "buy" love by seeking financial stability for yourself nor are you buying love in expecting the same from your partner.
    To be honest, nowadays it should be a must because nothing is going to get cheaper and let's face it, to get things that you want done in life you need resources.

    Not that I'm saying therefore just get with someone rich, and you've expressed yourself you aren't a gold digger, but I don't think it's a facet of a relationship that should be so easily overlooked. There are too many people who are much too happy to leech off somebody else's provision. If you are bringing in something then they should be too, if an equal relationship is what you're after.

    At the end of the day to each their own, but personally for me if I didn't have a choice I'd rather be single and independent than in a relationship and dependent on another person.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Nov 09, 2014 6:33 PM GMT
    I do think your thinking is wrong. You're saving up to buy the one thing money can't buy, and that's love.

    I think you should take bigger chances with your heart. Don't wait until you and someone you never met are both stable. The reason people get married is because they'd be lost without each other.
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    Nov 09, 2014 6:58 PM GMT
    It sounds like you've achieved your main goal and have financial stability and a good life. Do you date much or get out and meet a lot of people? Planning has it's limits and you just have to get out into the stream of life and see what comes your way. Financial stability is a very good criterion for a possible mate ... one of the most important. I would define that as them being able to hold onto a job and pay their own bills ... regardless of what that job is. Don't look just for guys who have reached your level in terms of numbers.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Nov 09, 2014 11:15 PM GMT
    TheProfiler saidI’ve always believe that if I worked hard, been conservative, educated myself, stabilized my career, financials in order, purchased a home,…etc, then I’d be ready for a relationship. I know what I want, but it just seems like I take one step forward, two steps back kind of thing. I’ve always believed that I have to have something to bring to the table, besides myself, in order to contribute to the relationship. I’m embarrassed to say that, at 53 years of age, I’ve never been in an LTR. I’m not a gold digger, free loader, or looking for a free ride, but I’m also tired of “hitting my head against the proverbial brick wall” trying to make it happen. Am I wrong in thinking that I should continue to wait until I’m stable in order to find someone who has their life together? I’d like the opinion of those who have successful careers and are financially stable. Do you look for the same or does it even matter? I’m educated, sane, employed, conservative, big hearted, but just haven’t reached that point in life where I thought I’d be by now.


    The problem with your concept is that so many other people have achieved all of the above while being in and out of their LTRs, and all the other sorts of relationships, and lifestyle forms. By saying that you have achieved some of your key goals but never had a fulfilling relationship, you are admitting that the goals you had originally set were simply too much for your abilities. Putting your own happiness on the backburner, so that you can achieve career goals does not show you in the best light.

    The world is full of guys who are out there to point out that you could have always done more for your career, and yeah, you should have worked even harder, and longer hours, etc. When you look at what all of these guys are putting on the table for you to do all of this, you soon see that it is actually pretty little. They are very good at leading you on. But the final result from your point of view is rather lacking.

    It takes quite some guts to turn the big guys down because their offers stink. The sooner you develop the ability to choose what is right for you the better.

    SC
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 09, 2014 11:21 PM GMT
    I have to say, I was a little surprised to read this thread, not that there is anything inherently wrong with having priorities in order and thinking that the "base priorities" should be set before taking it up that ladder (so to speak) with a relationship.
    Sounds like the food pyramid or something!

    The thing is, that isn't the way life works! I have my priorities in order as well, but I didn't when I started with my only long term partner (13.5 years), I didn't own my home yet and I hadn't fully even accepted that I was gay! It was during that time that I changed up who and what I am to today.

    You are more than ready! Don't let life pass you by and don't analyze (sounds like me). Just get out there and enjoy life. Are you going to wait until you qualify for social security?
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    Nov 10, 2014 12:08 AM GMT
    if you really really want to be in a relationship and your husband wants it as much as you it might work. Relationships are lots of work.

    short of that you should get a dog, i hear they are more reliable, shit up your life less than most single gay men.
  • Bowyn_Aerrow

    Posts: 357

    Nov 10, 2014 12:33 AM GMT

    People rarely regret things they have done, they usually look back at their life and regret the things they haven't done.

    You are mistaken to think that love can happen on a tight schedule when you have decided that the stage is set to meet your ideals of when and what setting love should happen in.

    It doesn't work that way. Love, Good love walks up behind you when you least want it or need it in your life, then proceeds to bash your brains with base-ball bat. Love just loves to throw monkey wrenches into the gears of life and muck every thing.

    Love also like to undo the best laid plans of mice and men...

    No one is actually 'stable'.

    Financially stable: Hmm Stock Market Crash 1929, the 1930's, the Dot Com disaster of the 90's the early 21st century Great Recession on the heels of the housing market crash followed by the Credit Crises...

    If your financial situation isn't where you want it to be Welcome To Planet Earth... Beyond the political lies, the economy isn't don't as well as you may think.

    Sanity - over rated and boring. The best relationship I had ended in murder... He ended killing someone - not actually the sanest things to do, but our relationship was spectacular, honest, open, loving...

    53... and getting older.... Us here way up around the half century mark have very slim pickings. Most of the good guys are already in a long term relationship or are now even married. The rest are either chicken hawks, or too picky or have 'issues' which no 'sane' person wants to accept.

    The older you get the less men are available.

    If you keep waiting time will be up. Sorry, if its not happening by now, most likely you need to accept that it won't happen and refocus your attention on getting as much happiness from life as you can before you have no life left to live.

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    Nov 10, 2014 4:56 PM GMT
    the OP's conservative is the bad. Come up with something new and just be totally spot on. No mistakes.
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    Nov 10, 2014 11:20 PM GMT
    I don't think your thinking is wrong but you try to play by the rules/book. And it does get boring. No guy is perfect. He may looks perfect on the outside but you don't know what he's going through. Some guys value love, honesty over money/wealth power. Some guys want it all. You may want to compromise. But money doesn't buy you love or happiness. You can't make someone love you back based on money. You may attract gold-diggers or rent boys Lol. I think you should be more open-minded and open to new possibilities. (Look at Julia Roberts, she married the Camera-man who was married when they met, she even paid for his ex-wife to divorce him). This is an extreme example but you know what I'm hinting at.





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    Nov 11, 2014 12:45 AM GMT
    TheProfiler said I’ve always believed that I have to have something to bring to the table, besides myself, in order to contribute to the relationship.

    Am I wrong in thinking that I should continue to wait until I’m stable in order to find someone who has their life together?


    If you're not "stable" at 53, are you ever going to be? Seriously, if you have $1 million, you could wait until you have $2 million - why not $5 million? If you're not homeless, what does your bank account have to do with having a relationship? or a BF? You've wasted a lot of time and a lot of potential men already, while you waited for something. You have a lot better prospects now at 53 than you will have at 65.