New City, Alone

  • tamaratunie

    Posts: 2

    Nov 10, 2014 12:56 AM GMT
    Hi everyone,

    I'm brand new here so please be gentle icon_smile.gif

    Just looking for some advice on a recent relationship that ended. I'll try to be as succinct as possible.

    I've known a friend, we'll call him Russ, for over ten years, initially coming in contact through a livejournal account when I was a freshman in high school. Over the last ten years, we've spoken on the phone for hours on end, sometimes months would go by with no talking, but when we'd reconvene via telephone it was as is if no time had passed. We talked lightly of dating and even tried a mini-relationship online for a few months until I got a new, local boyfriend and felt weird about it.

    Fast forward to last year and I flew to visit him for the first time about 15 months ago. Over the course of the next 6 months, we began dating exclusively, maintaining a near-constant contact, and he came to visit me in my small hometown. Earlier this year, I left my family and job behind (something I had been itching to do for years) and started over by moving in with Russ.

    We had fought pretty consistently at first via telephone, but it was always petty things. I initially ascribed it to being far away – many comments were often twisted or presumed to have some other kind of meaning behind it. I figured if we were with each other in person, these things would get better. See, we both had these huge dreams for love which pushed us to elevate the relationship: we bought rings (not quite engagement, but in our little way they kind of were), talking about being together forever, getting married. I hate dogs but got one because he really wanted one. I met all of his friends. I got a job. I started to have difficulties with the change-- despite wanting move and live in a bigger city, I realized I don't drink as much as a lot of other people and I have more difficulty being social, especially when it’s in a group of people that don’t know me but know my boyfriend. These became the bases of arguments that started to snowball. And I began to hole myself up, living for him and no one else, and putting an immense amount of pressure on the relationship by just trying to cope with the newness of everything. Ultimately, I put all of my hope into the relationship until one day when our fights exploded and I actually broke up with him out of frustration. He left and I didn't hear from him for two days. When he came back he was hardened and cold. He wouldn't talk to me and I felt completely alone and abandoned.

    That was about a month ago. He called/texted a few times in the beginning, and you can imagine the struggle I was going through as I was completely codependent on him. I didn't know if I should try to hang out with his friends, something I had never done on my own, or just kind of hole myself up in my new apartment. He offered to let me stay in the spare bedroom of our prior apartment, but I knew I had to move out if I had any chance at getting him back or not ruining a friendship. Since then, he has begun dating someone in his friend circle, but other people have hinted that he moves on fast and his erratic jump makes me think maybe it's a rebound, especially how serious we were.

    I've cut off all contact and deleted him on facebook because it is so, so painful to imagine all these plans that I made for a year and a half just go down the drain. We’ve had a few not-so-great run-ins, one in which I was drunk (hadn’t planned on seeing him) and forced him to go outside and talk to me. Every building I see reminds me of the plans and life that I wanted to live, but all of them included him. I am mature enough to realize that there was no way we could have continued with the relationship we were in because there was too much for me to adapt to and I didn't realize the strain I had put on us when I moved in. But I don’t know how to make this place my own and I don’t know if I’m doing it for the right reason.

    I'm just scared that I had ruined any chances I had. I'm not one to give up but I don't know anyone where I live and I just don't feel like our connection was something I can just give up on. Then again, I have been in the position where someone is so completely over something that they never even look back. I hate to think that maybe that’s now how he sees me: as nothing but a source of guilt and regret.

    Does anyone have any advice on how to heal and/or broach the subject? I'm still pretty fragile about it all and I haven't done much but go on a few dates, which were very awkward. I'm not the best socially in group setting (one-on-one I'm fine), so I stick to online dating, but it's proving difficult to move on.

    Do I leave him alone? Do I start my new life with just me? I can't stop thinking about him and how he made me feel, and he just put up this giant wall. I have no idea what to do, especially since I'm in a new city with next to know one that's known me longer than 4 months. I keep going back and forth on whether it’s best for me completely forgot about him or if maybe somewhere there is a semblance of a chance for a reconnection.

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    Nov 10, 2014 1:05 AM GMT
    Turn off the computer. Force yourself to go out and meet people.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4343

    Nov 10, 2014 2:40 AM GMT
    You wanted the relationship more than you wanted him. Establish yourself independently in your new city. Reinvent yourself into who you want to be. Create a new life. Forget him. He wasn't the one for you. Don't be mad. He tried, too. But now you're where you want to be. Take out a piece of paper and list traits you want to see in you. Become that guy. Good luck! Have fun!
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    Nov 10, 2014 2:55 AM GMT
    Thats a sad story mate but what I was gonna say was pretty much what those guys said ^^ The guy is a loser

    colour you're hair, go shopping and reinvent yourself somehow and put your best foot forward.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 847

    Nov 10, 2014 5:29 AM GMT
    You have learnt one of life's most valuable lessons. The one about the best laid plans of mice and men.

    The time has now come to learn yet another important lesson. The one about how to shrug with your shoulders and swiftly move on.

    Hanging out with a bunch of drinking guys is not your idea of fun. Keep away from the dudes who may otherwise be qualified but see this as their favorite past time.

    Few guys out there want a relationship of codependency. Guys are guys, and asking them to solely focus on what appears to be so important to, i.e. your relationship is usually counterproductive. Relationships are about love and sex and about keeping your household together. But they are not about themselves only. If a dude starts feeling that you are like a ball and a chain, the daily bickering over petty issues will snowball sooner rather than later.

    Do not lay out final plans about your happiness, and do not go searching for the guy who'll fit in. No one ever will. Set your basic limits, and leave the rest to be the result of reciprocal accommodation and many adjustments along the way. Do not hit the guys with the complete and utter bliss scenario that you want to achieve. Date with a dude whom you deem compatible, and see where it goes.

  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1830

    Nov 10, 2014 8:11 AM GMT
    tamaratunie said icon_smile.gif

    Just looking for some advice on a recent relationship

    It's over.

    but it's proving difficult to move on.

    Just move on.

    How to get over him? Time - just time.
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    Nov 10, 2014 1:46 PM GMT
    xrichx saidTurn off the computer. Force yourself to go out and meet people.

    Best advice you will ever get.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2014 2:40 PM GMT
    xrichx saidTurn off the computer. Force yourself to go out and meet people.

    I travel often with my job...alone. It was a challenge to meet people at first, but now I've become accustomed to it and hardly even get online when traveling. The real people are in the real world.
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    Nov 10, 2014 5:01 PM GMT
    Well... I think that you made too big dreams of the other person . You made him lika a ideal prince, but in reality he is just like you - a guy, who struggles and want's a good partner in life that support and engage for any opportunity.

    My advice - don't try to idealize your partner, open your eyes and listen the other partner he tells you.
    Since you break-up with him, that means there was no click, and both of you didn't cope or deal with diversity in your companionship. For time you could handle, but it all blew up like a volcano, at the smallest stupid incident as more than it was.

    Since you pulled the trigger - don't bother him, it will only make you fell more uncomfortable, as well for him.
    This might be as a good life experience to you and you can learn from it what did you do wrong and what right.

    And for a better - start a hobby or thing, that really keeps your mind busy. If you will sit in a room and complain about this, this will go long.

    I must admit, You are brave from things you wrote. My advice is to get mentally stronger and you will see the best answer that you are searching.

    Best icon_smile.gif
  • tamaratunie

    Posts: 2

    Nov 10, 2014 5:11 PM GMT
    Hi everyone,

    Thank-you so much for your replies. I know what I need to do and I am an independent brain just gets scrambled when it involves another person...much less a person that I feel like I gave everything up to pursue.

    In trying to compartmentalize my grief, I've realized that I love myself too much to fixate on something that can't be right now and I honestly do respect him enough to leave him alone. I remember the last time I had a breakup and wanted nothing to do with the other person and the only thing that made me feel better was time. It just makes me sad to think he might hate me.

    I can't thank-you all enough. Being alone makes me feel like I have no one to turn to. Your replies helped a lot.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2014 3:19 AM GMT
    Sounds like that new show on TLC called 90 day fiance.. icon_eek.gif