What is his problem?

  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Nov 13, 2014 6:51 AM GMT
    Recently met this guy who I think is the most attractive man I have ever seen, and have a had huge crush on him since first seeing him. We go on a few hangouts I think are a good time. By the end of the second time, we make out, and get a little frisky. I ask him on a real date, and he we agree on a time.

    This is where the problem sets in. He totally blew off the date. Not only that, but he continually blew me off multiple times before the date, and after. He will constantly text me and have a conversation all day, but kept blowing me off. So I take the hint, and go to a bar, and start dancing with another guy who is very interested in me. Come to find out my crush is there, and sees it, and texts me the next day of how jealous he is, and how if he was there I should have spent time with him. I did know he was going to be there, but I thought he was not interested. The guy keeps telling me he is interested, and we hang out again. We have a great time, ends with a little more fun times. We plan another hang out and the guy starts blowing me off again. Twice.

    I am having a tough time figuring out whats going on. He says he is interested and will stay in contact through text, but he is always blowing me off. He has told me he does not want a boyfriend right now, which I understand. He says he is horrible with plans and loves to be spontaneous. He has also told me that he NEVER makes the first move, which is true when we are together its up to me. I also always initiate the texting, and he told me he is interested or else he would just never reply to me. If I do not start a text convo, he wont text me, but if I do its constant responses. Is he just stringing me along, or maybe I am just being too clingy trying to hang out so often?
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Nov 13, 2014 6:52 AM GMT
    If it is of any consolation, your friend is one of many gay/str8/bi/poly dudes I have come across.

    It is all peachy up to point when he has to make even the very smallest commitment, i.e. to show up on a planned date, meeting, appointment, etc. Something kicks in and tells him that he is now limiting his freedom, and like it or not, has to live up to his promise, which of course, is limiting his freedom and sense of spontaneity. The dude also conveniently forgets that he has agreed to both the time and the place on his own free will. The infamous "what the hell instinct kicks in", and he blows it off. He is free and wants to stay that way.

    Now, add to this equation that the cute dude is gay, and is possibly wondering if he could hook up with a totally NEW, even cuter dude than yourself, instead of investing his time with someone whom he already has on his speed dial, and whom he could re-hook up anyway on a possibly rainy Tuesday night.

    Another variety of this behavior comes along in a form of a usually cute, popular but not very successful guy who goes around auctioning his time. So, you call your str8 friend Joey for drinks on Thursday eve at your popular hangout, and he is, "yeah, great idea. Let's do that. Sure thing."

    In the meantime, someone else pipes in, and tells him that they would be making a home-cooked dinner, and he is welcome to come and join Thursday evening. "Sure thing. Dinner beats drinks."

    Thursday morning, another dude, completely clueless of anything above, txts saying that they are having a BBQ at their place, so, would our Joey come over. "Sure thing, a BBQ beats both drinks and the home cooked dinner."

    So, a dude learns how to auction his time, and whatever other attributes may be in demand to the highest bidder. Or even to the (mis)perceived highest bidder.

    The only approach that works here is: "Dude, I am free at home in 30 min. Wanna come over and play?" Or "We'll play when I bump into you somewhere, and all the stars align."

    For the rest, go looking for a dude who does not suffer from the above affliction.

    SC
  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Nov 13, 2014 6:58 AM GMT
    I agree, but he is very hard to get over. I do think that he is probably playing around with others alot as well. The last time I went to hang out with him, I was a jerk to him, and only hung out with him because I was not going to cancel on him like he was me. But he was his usual great self, buying me drinks, touching me, whispering in my ear, and asked me to stay the night. It was hard to stay a jerk towards him. So I broke down. Its sick I keep putting myself through it, but I really like the guy.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Nov 13, 2014 8:23 AM GMT
    You're 23 and live in CA. Nuff said, but here goes...
    At that age he's looking for sex and freedom. You do seem overly preoccupied with him. Fuck him literally and move on.
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    Nov 13, 2014 2:46 PM GMT
    pushing someone where he dosnt want to go will only frustrate you in the end.
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    Nov 13, 2014 4:38 PM GMT
    SC's given you some good advice. To which I'd only add, forget this guy, he's problems. They may not be greater than they appear now, but they will become so. If you're reasonably intelligent, which you sound to be, and handsome, which you look to be, you can do better and needn't waste your time on guys like these. Even at 23 in LA.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Nov 13, 2014 5:07 PM GMT
    Tell him how you feel and if he doesn't make it up to you, then tell him it's over. He's needs a wakeup call, and you're going to have to deliver it.
  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Nov 13, 2014 5:16 PM GMT
    The guy has other issues which I have not mentioned, but I am not one to lay his personal life out in front of everyone. But I feel I have discussed it with him enough to wear I am starting to feel naggy and clingy because I am just not sure what he wants, and I dont want to come across that way. I dont ever want to hurt his feelings by totally ignoring him, but at the same time everyone is acting like the guy has problems I need to move on from. I really care about him, and it bothers me I dont get the same feeling back from him.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Nov 13, 2014 5:21 PM GMT
    nick5792 saidThe guy has other issues which I have not mentioned, but I am not one to lay his personal life out in front of everyone. But I feel I have discussed it with him enough to wear I am starting to feel naggy and clingy because I am just not sure what he wants, and I dont want to come across that way. I dont ever want to hurt his feelings by totally ignoring him, but at the same time everyone is acting like the guy has problems I need to move on from. I really care about him, and it bothers me I dont get the same feeling back from him.

    His problems of addiction, self destruction, shoplifting, homelessness, ebola and whatever else ails him are not the point. The point is that if you're not happy then he's a shitty bf for not doing anything to fix it.
  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Nov 13, 2014 5:35 PM GMT
    We are not together, more like the getting to know each other phase.
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    Nov 13, 2014 6:02 PM GMT
    You mentioned that he has a few issues that he is failing to fix. It also seems like you are developing feelings for this guy. However, believe me when I say that you can't fix or change anyone but yourself. Unfortunately, it's a lesson we must all learn the hard way. You're very young, so I would advise you not invest any of your time and energy in a relationship with this guy. Why settle? Life is too short. Make him your Option B or C (sex whenever you need an itch scratched...and keep it moving).
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    Nov 13, 2014 6:38 PM GMT
    Yet another thread where texting creates communication problems. People who rely solely on texting tend to be flakey. STOP TEXTING. If you want to hang out with this guy CALL HIM. That way you can hear the emotion (or lack of it) in his voice and gage his interest. Honestly he sounds like flake or game player but texting will only bring this out more. Send him one more text that says this "I don't want to communicate via text anymore. From now on I will call you."
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    Nov 13, 2014 6:56 PM GMT
    It doesn't matter what his problem is. He likes to play and he's fucking with your mind, which is probably a turn-on for him on some level. You're being too nice and accommodating, and he's the type of guy who gets worse the better you know him. Move on.
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    Nov 13, 2014 7:08 PM GMT
    Everyone else already said it but he likes to play games. You seem like you want to have a relationship and that's great, but it's a two way street. Both people have to be in it 100%

    Be done with him and move on, don't stress over a guy who doesn't treat you right
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    Nov 13, 2014 7:16 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    nick5792 saidThe guy has other issues which I have not mentioned, but I am not one to lay his personal life out in front of everyone. But I feel I have discussed it with him enough to wear I am starting to feel naggy and clingy because I am just not sure what he wants, and I dont want to come across that way. I dont ever want to hurt his feelings by totally ignoring him, but at the same time everyone is acting like the guy has problems I need to move on from. I really care about him, and it bothers me I dont get the same feeling back from him.

    His problems of addiction, self destruction, shoplifting, homelessness, ebola and whatever else ails him are not the point. The point is that if you're not happy then he's a shitty bf for not doing anything to fix it.


    Might I add that his "issues" aren't the OP's either. The OP needs to find a healthy person to crush on. I don't see the point of taking on someone's issues. Come at me health and relatively whole or not at all. I'm not a therapist nor am I qualified to run a wellness center.
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    Nov 13, 2014 9:08 PM GMT
    I'm really bad at reading people and reading between the lines so I usually judge people by their actions rather than words.
    This guy says he is spontaneous but he doesn't spontaneously hang out with you. Besides "spontaneously" blowing you off does he even have any spontaneity?
    If it had been me I would have concluded long ago that he didn't actually care about me. At least not enough to get off the couch and see me. So I would just have stopped texting him. But obviously he's not a mind reader either so if you decide to give up on texting him just give him a heads up and then see if he does anything. He probably won't.
  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Nov 13, 2014 10:17 PM GMT
    I am trying to move on and forget about it, but in the back of my mind I think what if he really does want something and is just making me work for it?
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    Nov 13, 2014 10:29 PM GMT
    nick5792 saidI am trying to move on and forget about it, but in the back of my mind I think what if he really does want something and is just making me work for it?


    Nope.
  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Nov 13, 2014 11:19 PM GMT
    Maybe he was just not interested to begin with? Weird when we hang out he likes to continue the evening as long as possible, and he will buy dinner, drinks, etc. He goes in to hold my hand, lots of weird mixed messages that I am not experienced enough to read maybe.
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    Nov 13, 2014 11:47 PM GMT
    He sounds like a manipulator.



    RUN!
  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Nov 14, 2014 1:06 AM GMT
    Maybe the guy does have problems if you all think so
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    Nov 14, 2014 1:21 AM GMT
    Many guys have been through something similar. The best advice I've ever received about such situations is to focus on what he actually does rather than what he says. His actions will usually make it clear it's time to move on.

    Years ago, I would listen politely and basically ignore these words of wisdom. Experience has taught me, and others like me (time and time again) that this is good advice that should be followed. So with that being said...

    Abort mission. Pull the chute. Get outta there.

    Who knows what opportunities you're missing out on by devoting too much attention to this guy.
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    Nov 14, 2014 2:13 AM GMT
    I'm going to say something that you may not like to hear. I think you may have a little bit of self-esteem problem. The problem is you want him as a boyfriend, maybe too desperately and he sees this. And he, well from what I read, he doesn't want to be your bf. I think you are just his BACK UP plan. He can texts and act all jealous because he knows he can control you in some way. And why are you letting this guy sorta taking control and have the upper hand? You two are not dating at all, just forget him, delete his numbers and move on. Only consider him again after he actually makes an effort getting to know you. You can't force someone to like you honey.


  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    Nov 14, 2014 2:22 AM GMT
    I agree with that. I think the problem is I showed my hand a little too early. I am a very honest person, and I let him know how I feel. Maybe not a good idea, and I was being naive. He just always questions me with a "why do you like me?" or something similar. I told him I slept with the club guy, because I did, and he knew something was up. I told him I regretted it, and he was mad and stopped talking with me for a bit, but he told me he needs to get over it because he doesnt want to be celibate either. Except I think he is sleeping around anyway, so I did what I thought was right. I guess I just dont want to cut off all contact, and wait for him, when he may be doing the exact same thing waiting for me to reach out.
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    Nov 14, 2014 2:26 AM GMT
    nick5792 saidMaybe the guy does have problems if you all think so


    I'll give you a hint. Good and real love doesn't work this way, doesn't happen this way. Quite frankly it wouldn't matter if he had no problems, he's clearly no good at consistency or commitments. The world has lots of charming rogues who do what they feel like and also demand YOU do what they feel like. Real love is reciprocal, I can assure you.