I'm Lonely and I Am Finding Myself Falling Back into Old Habits

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    Oct 01, 2007 3:44 PM GMT
    I've started eating like crazy again. This weekend was just like the old days i.e. fast food, cookies, regular soda, etc. I am just so friggin lonely. I don't have any friends, straight or gay. The people I thought were my friends were fair-weather at best. I go to work, go to the gym, come home. That's my life in a nutshell. While I would like to change it, I really am not sure how.
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    Oct 01, 2007 4:54 PM GMT
    is there a group that is into a particular hobby you enjoy? maybe you could join
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 01, 2007 5:10 PM GMT
    I was wondering what you actually do at the gym and how often you go??

    mike3
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    Oct 01, 2007 8:19 PM GMT
    You sound like youre suffering from depression and youre using food to make yourself feel better. NOT GOOD!!! What youre doing is killing yourself and taking yourself further away from what you truly desire.

    Look at the gym as a means to an end...get in there...get yourself on a strict cardio regimen....get addicted to the endorphins that youre body will produce when you exercise...you can get addicted to exercise and based on what youre fighting internally right now, its alot better than being addicted to food...

    I hope you can make the changes needed in your lifestyle...I know its hard...been there...its funny ...for me...I dealt with my depression by not eating...total loss of appetite...we are all different I jsut hope you can find the will power to get away from the bad foods and get on an exercise program and the happieness you seek will come.

    I understand lonely....Ive been there...i finally stopped feeling that way when i realized I didnt need someone else in my life to make me happy...i got out there...met some people...started doing some things...i dont have a Boyfriend...and Its OK...I dont mind sitting home alone on a saturday nite....its ok...there are worse things...just start focusing on the things you can control and everything will fall into place....Good Luck!! Jim
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Oct 01, 2007 8:29 PM GMT
    Take a moment and look at how many of these posts you've posted, each time you talk about how difficult it is for you to keep working at this, and how unhappy with life you are. Each time you get hundreds of guys with advice and well wishes for you.
    These guys don't get compensated for their advice and suggestions. And if you look carefully, most of them are guys that you want to be like, telling you how they worked from a situation like yours into their current sexiness.

    It's hard, but you need to decide when you are going to buckle down and get back to working towards your goals?
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    Oct 01, 2007 8:52 PM GMT
    I think what you should focus on is identifying what is good in your life, what you have to be thankful for. You need to realize that you create your own self worth. Maybe you are not happy with how you look or feel, but you need to find something positive that you can use to build your self esteem. If you are confident, happy, and comfortable with yourself, you will be able to enjoy time alone with yourself. Similarly, you will be at ease in social situations, and will find making friends much easier. As you continue to exercise and eat properly, your self-esteem will grow with your fitness progress. Don't lose hope, you can do it if you really try!
  • gwuinsf

    Posts: 525

    Oct 01, 2007 9:00 PM GMT
    Chasersprize,

    This is at least the second post I've seen you make on this website that was in this vein of self-pity which you discussed binging. You clearly have issues with food and find comfort in it as a way to deal with your self-esteem issues.

    I strongly recommend you find a professional to talk to, if you haven't already. As someone who went to therapy for years, I can't tell you how much it helped me. I'd go forever if it wasn't so damn expensive. There is a stigma about going to a therapist or psychiatrist, and there really shouldn't be. Therapy a wonderful thing.

    I'm sure you will find lots of support on this website and other places, but that support will be temporary and is not what you need. I read that you want to change your life, and I think finding a therapist, the right therapist will do that.

    I don't know about the community where you live, but I'd try and see if there's a gay therapist referral network in your area. That's how I found mine.
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    Oct 01, 2007 9:26 PM GMT
    I frankly agree that you may want to consider professional help. If you do not want to do that, then start slow and work at one problem at a time. If I was in your shoes I would probably work on the social isolation first, loneliness and low self-esteem seem to be triggers for your bad eating habits. Also I would try and keep out of the house unhealthy foods. If that is difficult then perhaps you should look at a weight loss clinic or weight watchers.

    I would then start working out slowly at a low intensity and then build up every week. Example do 20 minutes of cardio every day on a bike or treadmill then after a week increase to 30 at a higher level of intensity. That technique worked for me when I started back to working out on a daily basis in the spring. I did not try and overdo it right away, I built up my conditioning over time.
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    Oct 01, 2007 9:51 PM GMT

    Volunteer ----You'll be helping people, meeting people, and you'll be feeling good for doing it -- trust me on this !!!
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Oct 01, 2007 11:40 PM GMT
    I don't know what I could add to this as i think the guys have giving you good advice.

    Just don't give up. Every time you fall get back up again. Try a little harder every time and you will succeed.

    Loneliness is not nice, I have been there, but you are the only one that can change that. Join a martial arts class, some sort of sport, do volunteer work, just do something.

    I don't know if I could help, but I am a good listener, so if you ever want to mail me, you can. Any time.

    Mike
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    Oct 02, 2007 4:58 AM GMT
    Sabotaging your progress isn't unusual. one step back two steps ahead. You recognize your behavior-the triggers that generate the behavior. There are many failures before success. Talk about it, live a day at a time (or moment to moment) take a minute to laugh a bit. you're gonna be ok. keep your eyes on the prize and believe it.icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 02, 2007 5:59 AM GMT
    Chasers I wanna give ya a big hug. The guys that posted b4 me gave some great advice and I hope ya can heed some of it or cherry-pick thru it and find something good to help ya!
    Nothing is easy and it sooooo sucks when you can help yr impulses. Stay strong..keep an eye on yr goal!
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    Oct 02, 2007 6:16 AM GMT
    Lots of good advice here.

    One of the things that professional sportspeople and very dedicated fitness people have in common is the ability to see their own excuse making mechanisms.

    How many of us have woken up on a gym day and said "Oh, its raining, I'll put my workout off for today"
    This is an excuse mechanism and letting yourself succumb to these excuses means you can comfortably give yourself all kinds of reasons not to stick to your plan. Its the same as the television infomercials that are selling you the latest Super Ab Plastic Thingy. That's right, the thing that "handily stores under the bed!" Its a perfect advertising ploy to get you to allow yourself to give in to the excuse mechanism.

    It really is at this point in your progress that you have to be determined and strong, and tell yourself that none of the problems you feel currently are going to be fixed if you eat poorly and stop exercising. Try joining in a class at the gym - you will stick to your fitness plans and meet new people at the same time.
    Put a notice up at the gym for a gym buddy. Ask the people around you in the weights room to help spot you. Making the first approach is your responsibility. People won't know you are lonely and struggling unless you let them in.

    Good luck.
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    Oct 02, 2007 7:00 AM GMT
    EAT LESS JUNK!!!
    Read labels pig out on healthy food.
    baked chicken not fried chicken.
    Actually excersise if you care about yourself or your lack of a scial life.
    walk to the restaraunts like the subway guy did.
    he didn't lose all that way by eating fresh. he walked 8 miles everyday to eat.
    fuck the point system It doesn't work and you lost the 25 lbs because there was dramatic change in your diet. it is supposed to slow down. I lost 35 lbs when i went almost veghan. try that. stop feeling bad for yourself!
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    Oct 02, 2007 7:41 AM GMT
    Write down your goals and put them where you can see them everyday. One of the best ways to change your habbits is to change your environment. Try something new or join a club that has the same interests that you do. Take a risk. Just do it.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Oct 02, 2007 9:40 AM GMT
    there seems to be a few things going on here at once
    ...there's an ongoing level of depression here that needs to be addressed and an addictive process with the amt of food that you eat
    your using food as a drug to anesthetize yourself from feeling something
    you're afraid of something and what that is can only be answered by you
    it might be the fear of failure - and thats the easiest answer
    but only you can get to the bottom of it and I think it's a great suggestion that you get someone to help you sort it out
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    Oct 02, 2007 2:08 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]MikemikeMike[/cite]I was wondering what you actually do at the gym and how often you go?? /quote]

    treadmill, swimming, weights.
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Oct 02, 2007 2:15 PM GMT
    chaser, what's your biggest weakness when it comes to food? burgers? pizza? Taco Bell?

    For me it was burgers. I love a good cheese burger. I found myself really good for three weeks or so, then i couldnt help it, had to have one.

    Found that if after three weeks I had a garden burger, or even a turkey burger, they were more healthy for me, and if prepared correctly were tastey enough to satisfy the craving...
    Yes, they dont taste exactly like a burger, and never will, however the actual taste fades in your memory over time, so something similar fills that need.

    At least it's worked for me...
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    Oct 02, 2007 3:06 PM GMT
    Ive seen you make alot of progress on this site and I always smile when you post about how much more you lost. one bad weekend doesnt change how much you have already lost. Yes in a really bad weekend you probably could gain a few pounds but you can also take it off again. start counting calories, do alot of cardio, youll eventually get where you want to be. As for the lonliness, we are all lonely. hell I spent last friday night sitting at home with a textbook and no where to go. Thats ok though (even though it doesn't seem like it at the time). You need to be happy with yourself, thats when you find friends. When you are happy you glow and that attracts people. Not all will be good friends, but make your choices wisely and I bet you will have people there for you when you are not as happy
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Oct 02, 2007 3:12 PM GMT
    Finding someone is all about selling yourself to that person. Showing them your merit's outweigh your faults and you deserve their time and attention.

    If you can't find any good qualities within yourself, how can you expect someone else to see them?

    If you spend your time as a single man working on yourself, finding reasons to like yourself, it will be easier to show others what there is to like about you... took me seven years to find self worth.
    Wouldn't trade it for the world.
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    Oct 02, 2007 5:11 PM GMT
    I agree with the posters suggesting professional assistance. All the other advice is great too but before you can do all of the other things, you have to come to terms with what is causing you to be lonely.

    What makes it difficult for you to make friends? You also have to want to find the root of your problem and you have to want to make the necessary changes to get better. It's not easy but in my opinion, before you can do anything else, you have to come to terms with what's really going on.

    Good luck. - Jorel
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 02, 2007 5:44 PM GMT
    Chaser- You gotta be more specific. Let me know exactly what you do each week. Every person has a different target heart rate. You might be in the cardio HR rate when you train and not the fat burning zone. You may be spinning your wheels and not accomplising your goals. Also tell me what you do as far as free weight exercises or machines? (Body parts type of exercise, number of reps etc.) How often do you go to the gym? How long do you spend in the gym? Trying to help you here. You would definitely benefit from a PT at least to go over goals show you the basics. Look at it as an investment in yourself! As always check with a Dr. before starting any exercise program, especially a more aggressive one. I have 2 friends that were at my gym and they boh were there for 3-4 yrs always looked the same. Most of what they were doing was wrong! Now one lost over 100 pounds the other 75. It took one 12 motnhs the other closer to 18 months. One has even started bodybuilding. He told me recently he gets "laid like brick now." You can't take the smile from his face now. He even stands straighter when he walks-gotta love that!! I am so happy and proud of them both. It is going to take some real work but remenber-- Most importantly NEVER quit!!icon_smile.gif
    Mike3
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    Oct 02, 2007 5:50 PM GMT
    Emotional, everything that you have described has to do with your emotions. Its in your head, your mind and thats where you need to start first. Heal emotionally first, seek help and find ways to love yourself without constant acknowledgment. I know its hard because I have the same issue where if I'm not surrounded by people who I know care about me immensely I sometimes feel like crap.

    But over the past couple months I have begun to live for myself. I have become my best friend and because of that the goals that I set for myself I am able to accomplish.

    Being bipolar, which I am, you get used to the highs and lows but you also learn just how big of a difference a positive attitude can make. No it does not suddenly make the world respond to you differently in the blink of an eye, but it does make you respond to the world differently which is all that matters.

    The world is what you perceive it and when you decide to hold onto your power as a human being and not put your happiness in the hands of others,
    When you can be at peace with yourself is when you can start thinking rationally and ultimately is when you will find true inner peace. People will feel that radiating from you and will be drawn to you.

    This is so important because these are the skills that you will need to not only maintain the body that you seek, but to hold onto the friends that you will make.

    All will be well my friend, just know that the universe will respond to your thoughts, so make an extra effort to make them happy everynow and then. icon_wink.gif

    If it takes a selfsteem course to get you there take it, because it makes such a differenc in the end.
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Oct 02, 2007 5:54 PM GMT
    In other words...Stopp looking at yourself as a "chaser's prize" and make yourself a "prize"!

    perhaps we need to have weekly update posts to help keep you on track and progressing...
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    Oct 02, 2007 7:43 PM GMT
    Been there done that. I used to weigh 400 pounds, and pretty much know exactly what you are going through. The self hatred, the feeling of being alone. And all those best wishes that are pushed to the side when you are down and start eating shit.

    You will finally get to that point where enough is enough. You may still slip up from time to time, your only human. But you should use that as more motivation for the hardwork that it will take to make it to your goals. And it becomes addictive, you will be working so hard, that you won't want to take that back slide anymore.

    Keep your chin up.