Trusting your barebacking partner

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2009 9:52 PM GMT
    Several theards about barebacking have contained posts stating the opinion that one should never bareback... even with a long term monogomous partner.

    Guys here have said, "trust no one, only yourself."

    The way I see it... you are trusting your life to the person who barebacks you. If I can't trust my partner with my life... what is the point of having that type of bond?

    Put another way: If I can't trust my partner with my life (not just by barebacking), why be in a relationship like that to begin with. I'm not challenging the "no barebacking" rule solely... I also am asking... what is the point of having a relationship if you can never truely trust your partner with your life? If I can never fully have 100% trust in my partner... why be in a relationship?
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    Jan 17, 2009 10:02 PM GMT
    If you are so worried about proving your trust why don't you ask yourself these questions: would you share a bank account with you partner? would you buy a house together?
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 17, 2009 10:07 PM GMT
    yes, BBing is a matter of trust and confidence.

    hard to aquire, easy to loose.
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    Jan 17, 2009 10:19 PM GMT
    There is a point where you guys can go bareback. I really have no problem with that. But if I shared a bank account with someone, they could take every penny I had in there and I could make all that money back after a time. But once I am infected there is no going back.

    Sharing a bank account offers actual, practical things. Going bareback saves you the trouble of going out for condoms once a month (buy in bulk!). There comes a point in a relationship where you can have the talk about bareback. But for me, that is something you do after you have a mortgage together.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jan 17, 2009 11:35 PM GMT
    If your partner came home with a gun, pointed it at your head and said "Trust me, it's empty" would you let him pull the trigger?
  • qalbi30

    Posts: 116

    Jan 17, 2009 11:50 PM GMT
    What good advice !

    Do hope that the younger members will take notice.
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    Jan 18, 2009 4:14 AM GMT
    redheadguy saidIf you are so worried about proving your trust why don't you ask yourself these questions: would you share a bank account with you partner? would you buy a house together?


    Yes to both... I have always thought that though. Barebacking though dangerous, is a new concept for me compared to the other two suggestions
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    Jan 18, 2009 4:18 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidIf your partner came home with a gun, pointed it at your head and said "Trust me, it's empty" would you let him pull the trigger?


    I'm sorry to say this, but yes. The person I wish to be my partner I would ultimately trust. Though i have no idea why he would do that.

    Also, I know my future partner is human and capable of lying, hurting me, and even cheating. However, my credintals for a partner... well let's just say I do have a good judge of character.

    I realize though that I am naturally more trusting than the average person... but i can tell when someone is sincere.
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    Jan 18, 2009 4:20 AM GMT
    I don't readily trust, but there are other reason to keep it wrapped rather than trust. I've broken up many bloody fights in my life. I know I am putting myself at risk for breaking up those fights and don't want any partner to have any additional risk that I put myself in.

    Also I'd add that trusting one's partner with your life can be expressed beyond the bedroom. Just a little extra aside.
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    Jan 18, 2009 4:23 AM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidThere is a point where you guys can go bareback. I really have no problem with that. But if I shared a bank account with someone, they could take every penny I had in there and I could make all that money back after a time. But once I am infected there is no going back.

    Sharing a bank account offers actual, practical things. Going bareback saves you the trouble of going out for condoms once a month (buy in bulk!). There comes a point in a relationship where you can have the talk about bareback. But for me, that is something you do after you have a mortgage together.


    I was looking foward to you post especially and wasn't surprised when I saw it.

    I wonder if I'm overly trusting... even naive. I do not have any experience with guys or girls in a relationship. I am still a virgin even. Perhaps I am living in a fairy tale land.

    I have always been taught about unconditional love though... with family friends and partners/spoues.

    I don't care about barebacking... that is not what this is about. It is about trusting your partner.

    And it scares me that I may never be able to trust my pfuture partner 100%.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jan 18, 2009 4:24 AM GMT
    As always, I say no. Barebacking is something a person CAN do to show trust, however it doesn't require trust to be involved. Just likely wearing a flag lapel pin CAN mean you are patriotic, but that still doesn't require patriotism. There are plenty of ways to show trust that don't involve infection.

    /Did I just turn this into "would you let Dick and Bush bareback you?".
    //Yes I did in fact say that.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 18, 2009 4:27 AM GMT
    I think the risks are just too great. I've known too many people who trusted their BB partner (committed relationships) and then found out their partner was cheating on them. Some are now HIV+ as a result. Some were lucky to dodge the bullet.
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    Jan 18, 2009 4:29 AM GMT
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    Jan 18, 2009 4:35 AM GMT
    EricLA saidI think the risks are just too great. I've known too many people who trusted their BB partner (committed relationships) and then found out their partner was cheating on them. Some are now HIV+ as a result. Some were lucky to dodge the bullet.


    That is sad then... that we can't ever truely trust our partners... what's the point of a relationship then?


    I am very much naive.
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    Jan 18, 2009 4:40 AM GMT
    I'd offer that the point of the relationship is to feel unconditional love (that you are loved just the way you are) while acknowledging that that other person is human and imperfect. If you acknowledge that fragile humanity in the other person, you can accept them as they are and trust them for who they are and the mistakes they will likely make.
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    Jan 18, 2009 5:03 AM GMT


    We have the joint accounts, the mortgage, and the BB. All came after a great deal of soul-searching TOGETHER and a year or so of testing for everything under the sun. True love is hard to find.

    I was in relationships where I felt in love but didn't trust to the point that I trust Bill. Same for him. It took a lot for me to trust him. He, on the other hand, trusted me very quickly. I wonder about that still. How did he know he could?

    Too many guys now seem to believe that who they trust will automatically be trustworthy. That's really not the case. We both urge great caution. Use a condom. We NEVER thought of BB as a determining factor as to whether we could trust each other or not.

    Yes, we trust each other with our lives.

    Even though we can stand here and say true love is hard to find, it happens a lot. We're nobody special, that's for sure, and it happened to us.
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    Jan 18, 2009 5:14 AM GMT
    cjcscuba1984 saidI wonder if I'm overly trusting... even naive. I do not have any experience with guys or girls in a relationship. I am still a virgin even. Perhaps I am living in a fairy tale land.

    I have always been taught about unconditional love though... with family friends and partners/spoues.

    I don't care about barebacking... that is not what this is about. It is about trusting your partner.

    And it scares me that I may never be able to trust my pfuture partner 100%.


    What I wanted to get across is that we are all stupid and naive when we first start out in relationships. No matter if we start dating at 14 or 41. We all make mistakes in our relationships and there are some that are especially dangerous. The worst, perhaps, is mistaking our own feelings of head over heels love for trust.

    With some of my earlier boyfriends, we would both get tested, wait three months and get tested again. The condoms would be off right after that. But you can't come to know someone in three months. You can feel love and you can feel it deeply. But you do know the person completely. Relationships don't work not because feelings die but because you know the person better. And how can you trust a person completely if you don't know them completely?

    So, just be cautious when entering a relationship. Set an arbitrary time frame for when you think it is appropriate. And then double it. The idea here is, after all, to be on this earth to love as long as possible.
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    Jan 18, 2009 5:17 AM GMT


    ...so we said, "Yes, we trust each other with our lives." but failed to say that this happened later. Now, we're the kind that spent and spends all their free time together - gross, eh? All of it.
    Friends told us that we lived 10 years compressed into two due to that intense togetherness. Neither of us want anyone to think that a great relationship just pops up complete and done. It's more like continents shifting - once you find each other, then the land-masses start to shift.

    What a crappy analogy......oh well.
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    Jan 18, 2009 5:44 AM GMT
    no glove, no love icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 18, 2009 5:48 AM GMT
    My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We share everything. Neither of us work at traditional jobs so we are together almost all of the time and our home is the center of our universe.

    There are no limits, and I mean no limits on that trust.

    I don't bareback. That is not about my partner, has nothing whatsoever to do with him actually. My choice regarding barebacking is my own decision about my life.

    Like you I am very trusting. In fact, I have often been disappointed in my life, well even very often. Still, being trusting is also a choice that I have made about my life. I would rather be disappointed or even feel betrayed than be a person who doesn't trust.

    Honestly, I just don't see the connections between sex and trust.

    Condoms (to me) are like seat belts in cars. If I get in a car I put on my seatbelt, even if I am just going to the corner. It doesn't matter if I am driving or anyone else, this is just an ordinary precaution that I take.

    Like you I am curious about bareback sex. I am 44, soon to be 45, and I have never had unprotected sex. I became sexually active when I was 17 (1981) and have never had sex in a time when HIV was not an issue in the world.

    In the 80's I lost more than 40 friends and acquaintances to this disease. Right from the beginning it was clear to me that condoms are a life-affirming choice.

    By the way, I actually worry when my partner goes out and walks the dogs, when he goes on a car trip, etc. I care about his safety. Condoms are part of caring and not part of trusting.
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    Jan 18, 2009 6:00 AM GMT
    cjcscuba1984 said
    EricLA saidI think the risks are just too great. I've known too many people who trusted their BB partner (committed relationships) and then found out their partner was cheating on them. Some are now HIV+ as a result. Some were lucky to dodge the bullet.


    That is sad then... that we can't ever truely trust our partners... what's the point of a relationship then?


    I am very much naive.


    You should never put your life in someone else's hand. Your heart, however....well, it can be worth the risk.
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    Jan 18, 2009 9:56 AM GMT
    I agree with Ursamajor on this, condoms are all about protecting yourself and your partner and the analogy with car seatbelts is true.
  • Freddo

    Posts: 246

    Jan 18, 2009 10:03 AM GMT
    Well, I have never even had sex yet so I am not one to say (yet). I only came out to myself a year ago, and have been too busy for a relationship since then. However, I am hyperparanoid about HIV. I am one of the few people my age that has seen someone die of it. My uncle died of it in 1995, and that has stuck with me to this day. You never forget the way someone looks at the end stages of HIV after you have seen it. It is awful. Granted, this was before the drugs we have now... but it is seared into my head for life. I will probably always be a condom nazi.
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    Jan 18, 2009 2:35 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidIf your partner came home with a gun, pointed it at your head and said "Trust me, it's empty" would you let him pull the trigger?

    If my partner pointed a gun at my head my trust in him would have disappeared at that instant, long before any words came out of his mouth. So no.
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    Jan 18, 2009 2:46 PM GMT
    My bf and I used to bareback every time after we had been dating for about 6 months. Then we brought home some boys with us one night a little while ago. We put those condoms back on ever since.