Spirituality, Relationships, Mental Health: Caretaking to the Point Where You Must Feed Your Loved One

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    Nov 24, 2014 2:46 AM GMT
    How does one take care of someone for 14 years?

    My aunt has done that for her husband.

    If I needed that, who would do that for me?

    Her spirituality strengthened her mental health to endure this relationship challenge.

    Now, her husband has had a turn for the worse: he cannot lift his hand to feed himself.

    That happened to my dad.

    When it gets to that point, you know feeding tube and death will follow.

    Yes, some gay men did this with lovers who died of AIDS. Some lesbians and all others did this for gay men when gay men did not have men to nurse them.

    "God will bless you for taking care of your husband."

    God will bless you for taking care of your husband before you become a widow.

    And I know the oldest son and his mother have to share in the bathroom changings and washings.

    Who would do that for me?

    For whom will I have to do that?

    I've gone 12-month periods of no man (realjock/manhunt/craigslist) within 30 miles participating in the forum discussions I've participated in, befriending me and going to Lifetime Fitness with me, swimming with me, going to a movie with me, eating with me, spooning me or me spooning him.

    Time does pass. What do you do when others aren't there?

    We cannot wonder why there are men who do not put all their eggs in the gay basket. They just have NSA moments of contact.

    Astrologically, I cannot covet my aunt, her son, or her husband, my uncle. We aren't all born to be married for 55 years. We aren't all born to have biological sons and daughters. We aren't all born to even like children or spouses.

    When you live through this with your loved one:

    you, aged, know the weight of your spouse who no longer has strength to raise his hand let alone his body

    you know the smell of the bathroom breaks and how #2 comes out 2 or more times in an incident--and how you deal with that

    you know holding the penis to guide the urine into a bottle

    you know the more than 50% stiffness of his body and serve to the last % of stiffness of his body.

    May there always be prayers in the hours of death for the loved one and for the caretakers.

    I think, life crushes many to pray and on to the understanding prayer provides.

    You know your loved one is leaving his body and his aura, weighing only grams is part of the promise of spirituality.

    There is an aura energized by spinning chakras, the fate of an astrological birth, that moment when the holographic natal chart and incarnation of a life is born.


    Oh, when my uncle was in his 20s, when I first saw him, he was so strong, so beautiful, so good as relatives can be. He and his wife and their three children would visit. So happily grateful that they visited in person.
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    Nov 24, 2014 2:54 AM GMT
    Hail Nurse [my aunt and my cuz], full of grace
    Some Lord of Life is with thee
    Blessed art thou among people
    Blessed is the fruit of your labors

    Holy Nurse, caretaker of the helpless
    pray for the sins of the now helpless
    that they go nowhere
    until attempts have been made to wash each spot of trespassing
    (for the helpless would prefer not to trespass your life with his helplessness)
    now and in the hour of our death.
    Amen.
  • basnik

    Posts: 36

    Nov 24, 2014 12:57 PM GMT
    intensely beautiful thread of reflection , insight truths and peaceful love in this.

    and ok, what do you or others think men should do proactively to get health in case of problems..
  • OutdoorAdvent...

    Posts: 361

    Nov 25, 2014 12:24 AM GMT
    Thank you for your tremendously thoughtful reflections on life, love, dying, and relationships.

    At the expense of introducing practicality into it, I'll draw from example. My dad's mom died of a progressive neurological disorder that involved physical and mental deterioration. He understood the hereditary component of her illness, and in his 50's took out a long term health insurance policy (which was expensive). Twenty years later, after his decline began and the gap between his needs and our ability to meet them kept widening, he moved to a nursing home a mile from his wife (my mom) and 1/2 mile from me.

    Nursing homes solve some problems, and create others. That was our experience. Yet, because the home was able to meet important needs of my dad that we were not, it eased our burden and allowed us to re-orient the time we spent with him. My mom and I visited every day for the 33 months he lived there. Had we not been able to advocate for him in that setting, had we not been vigilant, it would have been an entirely different experience for him, as we could see it was for many other residents there who could not advocate for themselves nor had others advocating for them.

    Thus, for us, it was the solution we found to at least some of the difficulties you raise in your posting.
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    Nov 26, 2014 5:27 AM GMT
    OutdoorAdventurist saidThank you for your tremendously thoughtful reflections on life, love, dying, and relationships.

    At the expense of introducing practicality into it, I'll draw from example. My dad's mom died of a progressive neurological disorder that involved physical and mental deterioration. He understood the hereditary component of her illness, and in his 50's took out a long term health insurance policy (which was expensive). Twenty years later, after his decline began and the gap between his needs and our ability to meet them kept widening, he moved to a nursing home a mile from his wife (my mom) and 1/2 mile from me.

    Nursing homes solve some problems, and create others. That was certainly our experience. Yet, because the home was able to meet important needs of my dad that we were not, it eased our burden and allowed us to re-orient the time we spent with him. My mom and I visited every day for the 33 months he lived there. Had we not been able to advocate for him in that setting, had we not been vigilant, it would have been an entirely different experience for him, as we could see it was for many other residents there who could not advocate for themselves nor had others advocating for them.

    Thus, for us, it was the solution we found to at least some of the difficulties you raise in your posting.



    Outdoor Adventurist,

    You're welcomed and thank you.


    Some families/individuals can make that happen financially. My uncle and aunt weren't capable.

    Before my father died in December 2012, he was in a nursing home for approximately 6 months--not the 33 months, God bless you, you and your mom endured. It cost my parents about $4,500/month.

    I have to do something, like your dad did; but, I'll need a new car and interest payments, medical insurance, retirement account, let alone long term health insurance. You know, for about six years, I paid into a Long Term Care policy.

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    Nov 26, 2014 5:32 AM GMT
    The financial mountain definitely puts me on SERIOUS EDGE.

    I hope and know I have the talent and opportunity to earn what I need, especially when my market is more than just local.
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    Nov 26, 2014 12:26 PM GMT

    Oh, when my uncle was in his 20s, when I first saw him, he was so strong, so beautiful, so good as relatives can be. He and his wife and their three children would visit. So happily grateful that they visited in person.[/quote]



    Good luck, no one who is gay would do that. If you had a sex change and became a lesbian you would have a chance of finding someone to do that for you
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    Nov 26, 2014 5:16 PM GMT
    Even if you have children, there's no guarantees they won't abuse you or that they will care for you. Or that they won't predecease you.

    And even in a nursing home with frequent visits by loved ones, there's no guarantee that you won't be abused when no one is looking.

    The additional issue for being gay is that given dementia, which hits about 1/3rd of those dying in old age, inhibitions tend to diminish so even a masculine person who might otherwise be able to re-closet themselves for safekeeping can wind up outing themselves to homophobic employees, positions of which are often staffed by 1st generation Americans from homophobic countries, particularly Caribbean countries and now with the influx of Muslims who tend to be not so accepting of gay people.

    If dying doesn't get you, living will.
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    Nov 26, 2014 10:24 PM GMT
    canadian_stud said
    Oh, when my uncle was in his 20s, when I first saw him, he was so strong, so beautiful, so good as relatives can be. He and his wife and their three children would visit. So happily grateful that they visited in person.




    Good luck, no one who is gay would do that. If you had a sex change and became a lesbian you would have a chance of finding someone to do that for you [/quote]


    You lie poorly.
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    Nov 27, 2014 12:19 AM GMT
    When caring is already a routine for you, you don't even seem to worry... My mother told me once that even if I am gay, it is still better to be married with a woman because no men can level what a woman can care because she knows how to sacrifice until death. I already anticipate this problem even before, but let us say that this is the life I have chosen with (to die alone) and a story i wanted to know for me tell to the people how sad and happy I am to know that I discover something different.

    Let's just say if I'll try to convert myself to being bisexual when it is pretty common for bisexual men to get married and settle to a woman they have chosen with but never stick to what they promise by haunting men at night in different occasions and in some cases, will bring stds to wife... would that be fair... I don't think so.

    Oftentimes, people are really scared to die alone when everybody will die in different scenarios. Likewise, Alone or with love ones, we will all die.

    At this age, I cannot say how bad it is to die alone but dying alone is what I need to know... all i know is choosing dying alone needs to be strong, able to sacrifice to prevent some people seeing you dying leaving them in pain and a courage to put your honesty into test...
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    Nov 27, 2014 2:41 PM GMT
    theantijock saidEven if you have children, there's no guarantees they won't abuse you or that they will care for you. Or that they won't predecease you.

    And even in a nursing home with frequent visits by loved ones, there's no guarantee that you won't be abused when no one is looking.

    The additional issue for being gay is that given dementia, which hits about 1/3rd of those dying in old age, inhibitions tend to diminish so even a masculine person who might otherwise be able to re-closet themselves for safekeeping can wind up outing themselves to homophobic employees, positions of which are often staffed by 1st generation Americans from homophobic countries, particularly Caribbean countries and now with the influx of Muslims who tend to be not so accepting of gay people.

    If dying doesn't get you, living will.


    Also African countries, from my experience with my father.
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    May 29, 2015 2:52 PM GMT
    One of his lungs collapsed and his body is deteriorating.
    The doctors will pull his breathing tube tomorrow.
    Aunt and cousins want to be there when it happens, but he is still responsive. There's something cruel about that. Is it going to hurt? Should they drug him before they do it so he can die peacefully?
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    Jun 01, 2015 5:03 AM GMT
    Going to Heaven is the best yet to come.



    My dear uncle passed.
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    Jun 01, 2015 5:09 AM GMT
    StephenOABC saidGoing to Heaven is the best yet to come.



    My dear uncle passed.


    Peace be on the two cousins who witnessed their father's death.

    My father didn't die in front of me.
    My uncle died in front of his two sons.
    Peace be on them.
    May I be of service and comfort to them at the funeral.

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    Jun 01, 2015 5:11 AM GMT
    Today, death was the topic for me.

    Vice President Biden's son died from brain cancer.

    Ed Gilligan, American Express president died in a corporate jet from Tokyo.

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    Jun 01, 2015 5:17 AM GMT
    StephenOABC saidToday, death was the topic for me.

    Vice President Biden's son died from brain cancer.

    Ed Gilligan, American Express president died in a corporate jet from Tokyo.



    The jet made an emergency landing.

    Can you imagine how hard that was for his colleagues on the jet with him?
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    Jun 01, 2015 5:21 AM GMT
    My uncle's wife,
    My mom, his sister,
    My cousin, his daughter
    My cousin, his oldest child and son,
    My cousin, his middle child, a son,

    And all of us who must come together and do all we can for his final arrangements and goodbye to his body.



    Good night.

    Thank you.