I'm depressed and could use some support

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 24, 2014 3:12 PM GMT
    I am recently new to being out, I live in a small town so I usually have to drive to the city to go to a bar or to meet guys who I can befriend. I've been on a couple dates but most recently with a guy.who I thought hit it off really well with. He was def my type and I drove there hours to spend the weekend with him.. my problem is I get attached really easy and after this weekend he has kinda cut me off and not talking to me like he was, we didn't have sex but this has happened to me twice, I'm starting to feel like it's me. I have a big heart and I am a very kind person but I don't know if I can take the emotional struggle of gay dating, I am now really depressed and feel even more lonelier then I ever have, other than my sister in law I have no support or anyone I can talk to, I feel like I am emotionally going to break into, I can't eat and my sleep is even off, I don't know how to not get so attached, I'm afraid ifi don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the time for me to be happy is running out and if I don't find someone soon then all hope is lost
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    Nov 24, 2014 3:23 PM GMT
    Have you considered seeing a therapist?
    It can be good for you to talk to someone who can help you seeing yourself.
    If you need support, I think that can be a good solution for you.
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    Nov 24, 2014 4:10 PM GMT


    Johnny, I went through that, and I came out in the mid 1970s. During this time I discovered something that made me feel a whole lot better: I wasn't alone. Other gay men I started to meet also had this experience. Then, the kicker. I talked to straight people, men and women and a lot of them said,

    " my problem is I get attached really easy and after this weekend he/she has kinda cut me off and not talking to me like he/she was, we didn't have sex but this has happened to me twice, I'm starting to feel like it's me. I have a big heart and I am a very kind person but I don't know if I can take the emotional struggle of dating,.."

    Sound familiar? I think for gay people it's harder because we had no upbringing where we were taught how to navigate crushes and dates, etc.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 24, 2014 4:29 PM GMT
    "the time for you to be happy is running out"? What are you talking about, you're freaking 25, thats too young to say that.
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    Nov 24, 2014 4:46 PM GMT
    Hang in there, there's a whole lot more to life than that one guy, or guys in general. I've been in your shoes quite often, but look at this way, you'd rather that the guy cut you off early as opposed to later, when things may have seemed worse.
    Try a good counselor, or get a hobby that takes up a lot of your time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 24, 2014 4:51 PM GMT
    people's expectations are high for the holidays. You might spend a few days along so schedule some things just in case.

    a grinder type account might work well in a small town.
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    Nov 24, 2014 5:12 PM GMT
    Thank you all for the support, believe me when I say just to have someone tell you they have been there and it's gonna be okay means slot
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 24, 2014 5:26 PM GMT
    3 HOURS!!!!
    WTF
    OMG
    oh; AL.
    got it...just missed Josh by a hot minute.
    You two would have had beautiful baby's

    In the mean time.

    Stop it.

    Snap into a Slim Jim.

    Better yet make this:
    tumblr_ncfa5tCy2C1sn5m44o1_400.jpg
    dare you to be depressed...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 24, 2014 5:30 PM GMT
    JohnnyBanana saidThank you all for the support, believe me when I say just to have someone tell you they have been there and it's gonna be okay means slot


    Johnny I met my man when I was....34! I was out and about at 19. During those 15 years before Bill there was lots of rejection, loneliness, hopes that crashed, and relationships that fizzled. And sometimes it was I that did the hurting of another as the feelings weren't there. Sometimes I gave up and stewed in my own dark cloud. Other times I just let go and decided to enjoy whatever life threw at me.

    On Dec 13th we'll be celebrating 25 years. Hang in there!

    Here's a little something about the ups and downs of romantic life, with or without a partner or a date.

    icon_wink.gif

  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    Nov 24, 2014 5:33 PM GMT
    JohnnyBanana saidI am recently new to being out, I live in a small town so I usually have to drive to the city to go to a bar or to meet guys who I can befriend. I've been on a couple dates but most recently with a guy.who I thought hit it off really well with. He was def my type and I drove there hours to spend the weekend with him.. my problem is I get attached really easy and after this weekend he has kinda cut me off and not talking to me like he was, we didn't have sex but this has happened to me twice, I'm starting to feel like it's me. I have a big heart and I am a very kind person but I don't know if I can take the emotional struggle of gay dating, I am now really depressed and feel even more lonelier then I ever have, other than my sister in law I have no support or anyone I can talk to, I feel like I am emotionally going to break into, I can't eat and my sleep is even off, I don't know how to not get so attached, I'm afraid ifi don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the time for me to be happy is running out and if I don't find someone soon then all hope is lost


    Your feelings and your concerns are common, it happens to everyone...sad to say. =/
    Don't take anything personal though, dating has its ups and downs.
    You're already one upping a lot of gays by going out and actually meeting people, I noticed some idiot mentioned getting a Grindr app, it'll make it worse, if you get attached so easily then a Grindr type app is something you want to stay the fuck away from.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 24, 2014 5:47 PM GMT
    As a was growing up, I was a very sensitive kid who made decisions emotionally. When something didn't work, I was quick to react on an emotional basis, blaming myself or thinking that the (perceived) negative was because of the perception of me or because I wasn't liked. Most of those worries were without basis.

    Part of what changed was that I grew up and have gained a great deal of confidence in terms of what I can achieve personally and professionally... but part of what I can credit as a help is my law school educational experience, which forced me to review things on a logic, fact based pattern instead of an emotional one. It has helped me a great deal.

    I really delt with my sexuality after that time and the whole process of coming out. It may not be you at all (probably isn't). It can be a whole host of things connected with the guys you've met. I know it can be challenging being in a small town. My suggestion is, evaluate and follow an approach in which you are comfortable in meeting guys (whether that is what you are doing now or something new), understand it has challenges and you are going to have some negative experiences! Meanwhile, put in some "you" investment.. meaning, spend time on self improvement through exercise, health, education and other very positive things that will only serve you as you get older, gain experience and (hopefully) make new friends. No doubt you are a great guy... but when bad things happen (and they will at times), that's part of life. The important thing is to learn, improve and don't give up... it will work out eventually with the right kind of attitude and work!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 24, 2014 9:02 PM GMT
    Work on developing interests that you enjoy that don't involve heavy connections with other people ... take up a musical instrument ... read a good book. Also, diversify your connections so that you have friendships and other nonromantic relationships to provide emotional connection so you don't have to get everything from one guy.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Nov 24, 2014 9:42 PM GMT
    Having lived in Anniston and Florence for some time, trust me, I understand how things can seem pretty bleak in Alabama. Your profile says Birmingham but your reference to a small town suggests another. Listen, you've got to get out of Alabama. I have some very good friends there and I had some good times there but truly, the place is bleak and dispiriting to anyone with a brain. "Roll Tide. War Eagle." That's about it and that is juvenile. 90% of the yahoos that scream that didn't even go to college much less one of those two schools. It's just all they have. "Where the sky is blue?" Some unique distinction. Ya gotta move somewhere where life is good. Lose some weight, get fit, get a tan, start enjoying. As to your out of town grinder guys, well grinder isn't where you should look. That's mainly for guys looking for sex and an out of town guy wanting a relationship doesn't fit the bill. Don't let that get to you. You're 25, good looking and well enough educated to write well so get out of that place! Believe me.
  • mxne

    Posts: 55

    Nov 24, 2014 10:51 PM GMT
    You seem like a nice guy + very adorable, you'll find someone eventually icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 24, 2014 10:52 PM GMT
    Thank you all for the overwhelming support. You have helped tremendously ....
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Nov 24, 2014 11:43 PM GMT
    Other fish in the sea, if he "cuts you off" move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2014 6:46 AM GMT
    Like others have said on the thread, don't make the mistake of thinking it's only you. This kind of disheartening experience dating is very common in both the gay and straight worlds.

    Above all DON'T change this! " I have a big heart and I am a very kind person". This might not lead to sex quickly because people can be shallow. But in the long run it's precisely these characteristics which give you dignity and class as a human being. Someone is going to spot that and grab you as a proper and fulfilling boyfriend!
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    Nov 25, 2014 3:03 PM GMT
    The best bit of dating advice that I've seen was something like "What else do you offer besides being a great person?"

    You need to cultivate some hobbies, a career, and some skills. Being a nice guy is just a way to get your foot in the door, but it's the skills an interests you bring to a relationship that will make you attractive.

    I also find going into dates with your expectations low helps with getting attached. I have that problem as well, and it's hard to curb it when you get excited about someone... but it's much healthier in the long run.

    Living in a small town can be rough. Is there any reason why you haven't moved away? That might be something to consider.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2014 3:05 PM GMT
    Braedan said...

    Above all DON'T change this! " I have a big heart and I am a very kind person". This might not lead to sex quickly because people can be shallow. But in the long run it's precisely these characteristics which give you dignity and class as a human being. Someone is going to spot that and grab you as a proper and fulfilling boyfriend!


    Yes! Don't let the cold reality of gay dating and gay men turn your heart into a lump of ice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2014 6:36 PM GMT
    Try to redirect your affection in socially acceptable ways and in moderation. No, you won't get full satisfaction but you'll be helping yourself.

    Get a Portuguese Water Dog--no, may not have water jobs for the dog--a Wheaten Terrier . Keep it well-groomed and hug it a lot.

    If you can Platonically hug a dog, you can Platonically hug humans. Get another platonic female friend. Get a platonic male friend. Do stay within borders.

    Get in a gospel choir where people like to hug each other.

    Consider moving to a place where you can either adopt kids or get married. Institutionalize your big heart by creating a home with an abundance of affection.

    You look great in your USA flag shirt and you have nice eyes.
  • wesv

    Posts: 907

    Nov 26, 2014 5:51 AM GMT
    I know how you feel. Despite that I'm a Cali native from the LA area, dating another guy is still difficult. There are guys full of themselves, others who just want to hookup, and others who just want nothing to do with me.

    Last year I finally met a guy who dated me. We dated for five months. At first he insisted on dating as I wasn't interested. Then I agreed. He wanted a relationship more so than I did. Then as time went on, things shifted. I cared more about our relationship than he did. That hurt me so bad. I felt so attached. Then I had to break up with him and made it official because I hated feeling worthless. It's a long story.

    I can see how you get attached so easily. You're in Alabama and it's not very open. The moment you find someone gay you automatically want everything with them.

    My suggestion is to make as many gay friends as possible. Put dating aside. In places where it's open, there's a joke among gays about how dating is for guys past their 30s. Many guys in their 20s just want sex. But most guys of all ages are open to friends.
  • FredMG

    Posts: 988

    Nov 26, 2014 8:21 PM GMT
    Hugs.

    You're not alone in finding someone, not that this lessens your pain, just take heart that you're not being singled out by the universe.

    For what it's worth, remember that everyone is responsible enough for their own happiness. It's a little harsh, but don't let your joy, self esteem or respect rely on someone else. Be who you are, be confident that you're a good person, and that'll help some.
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    Nov 27, 2014 1:21 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx said3 HOURS!!!!
    WTF
    OMG
    oh; AL.
    got it...just missed Josh by a hot minute.


    I totally agree that Jumpmanjosh and the OP live very close and would make a cute couple icon_smile.gif
  • metta

    Posts: 39107

    Nov 27, 2014 10:56 PM GMT
    Do you have a couple good gay friends? I think it might be better to make sure you have a few good friends before dating.

    Why are you pressuring yourself to date right now? You have your whole life ahead of you. What is the rush? Date when you are ready and you feel more comfortable with yourself. The way you are approaching it right now is not very healthy. You sound like you could end up in a co-dependent relationship.

    Date because you are ready and comfortable with yourself, not to fill some need. A healthy relationship is not one that fills a need. It is one that adds to ones life.

    See if there are some local LGBT organizations in your area that interest you...hiking clubs, sports clubs, etc.
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    Nov 28, 2014 1:13 PM GMT
    k i'm late for this thread but here's my 2 cents.

    if you're still reading this.

    getting attached too easily translates into you being needy. and that's just not attractive.

    it's not balanced either.

    you can't be THAT available to anybody, except maybe your friends and family.

    the other day i read a new age type of article.

    it said that the more you think about somebody (obsessing) the more you're invading that person's space/energy. and they can feel that, so naturally they will want more space.

    stop worrying about loneliness and not finding a partner. love usually happens when you least expect it.

    focus on yourself. your goals, hobbies, etc.