Compliments that felt more like an insult?

  • Just_Corey

    Posts: 26

    Oct 01, 2007 9:26 PM GMT
    So recently I was asked out on a date by a guy I find to be rather handsome and things were going well until he gave me a "compliment" that left me feeling insulted. He said he doesn't usually date guys outside his race but found me to be attractive "for an Asian guy." One of the reasons why he found me attractive was because he thought I was mixed with something else.

    Oh, and then to top it off, he just had to add,"You know, you speak English very well...I don't even hear an accent."

    O_o

    Needless to say, there have been no further dates.

    Share your story folks.
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    Oct 01, 2007 9:33 PM GMT
    A couple of weeks ago, a woman was purchasing some of my services, over the phone. Now, I know that my prices are too low, but it's a competitive market. Anyway, she told me that she thought that my service was "a nice cheap alternative to having it done professionally."

    For you, lady, the cost is double.

    (Last week, I raised the damned prices.)
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    Oct 01, 2007 9:33 PM GMT
    Good for you for dumping him, my partner is Filipino and if I had said that on our first date he and I would never have gone on a second (we have been together almost 10 years)! He might have even slugged me.

    I remember being told by a good friend of mine that I was a nice guy. I said "thanks", he said "I did not mean that as a compliment". Okay then.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16305

    Oct 01, 2007 9:42 PM GMT
    I think those kinds of comments are just warning signs.
    Yeah, maybe some are nervous on the first date, but that goes beyond just a slip of the tongue. If I had been you, I would have been tempted to have just gotten up and left the restaurant or just left if you were talking elsewhere.
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    Oct 01, 2007 9:49 PM GMT
    I always get the "You look so young for someone your age!"

    I also get "You look the exact same way you did when you were 29!" Does that mean I looked 36 when I was 29? LOL!!!

    I just let it roll off though since I know they all mean well.
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    Oct 01, 2007 9:51 PM GMT
    Good for you man! Maybe he thought is was a nice compliment in his head.....because he generally didn't date outside his race but he was attracted to you....be that is as backhanded a compliment as the one I usually get.

    .....you are so good looking, for a guy your age or
    .....you're really hot for an older guy or
    .....I don't typically date men your age but I'd make an exception for you


    And this isn't just 20 somethings either, I've gotten comments like that from guys that were only 5 or 6 years younger than me. Like we all automatically fall apart when we hit 40! Go figure! icon_question.gif
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    Oct 01, 2007 9:53 PM GMT
    edited
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    Oct 01, 2007 10:04 PM GMT
    "Good job you TRYED" from a women who just beat my in a race by 3 min.
  • Squarejaw

    Posts: 1035

    Oct 01, 2007 10:31 PM GMT
    Some kid said to me, "I hope I look as good as you do when I'm you're age." And I couldn't help it, I shot back, "You think you look this good now?"

    It was like I kicked a puppy. His face fell and I apologized and told him I was kidding.

    But he really didn't look this good now. icon_razz.gif
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    Oct 01, 2007 10:36 PM GMT
    LOL! HYSTERICAL!
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    Oct 01, 2007 10:42 PM GMT
    Good for you Squarejaw....one for our side! I wish I was that quick with the zingers sometimes.
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    Oct 01, 2007 11:04 PM GMT
    It was a coffee date years ago, and the guy said to me "You know you're not conventionally handsome."
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Oct 01, 2007 11:07 PM GMT
    I've had several people tell me over the years "It's surprising you're not religious, because you seem like you have morals." I know at least some of them have meant well, but it's hard to not feel insulted from something like that.
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    Oct 01, 2007 11:13 PM GMT
    When younger people try to make a crack about my age, I quietly point out that I made it to this age, there is no guarantee they will. And I walk away.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Oct 01, 2007 11:17 PM GMT
    I really don't like racist stuff like that. I don't blame you for leaving him high and dry.

    There is just one race (the human race)

    Mike
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    Oct 01, 2007 11:23 PM GMT
    My absolute favorite quote (currently) comes from a movie called Boy Culture...it pretty much summises what I hear on a regular basis...

    "I am not normally into black guys - but...". These people need to be shot. It's like oh this must be my lucky night. You're feeling abnormal, and I am black." - Darryl Stephens character after the lead 'X' just had a inner monologue of how he is not normally into black guys...but...

    I do not think people realize how much this 'compliment' is quite repulsive. You are basically saying that there is an entire race of people that you dont know or understand - but you like me for reasons a,b, or c....even though I belong to said race (and two others) - but that kinda makes me ok and you dont know why.

    If more people would stop using this phrase and think before speaking, there would be a lot less bitch slaps across the mouth...lol.

    KP
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Oct 01, 2007 11:24 PM GMT
    SnS... I get that all the time
    "For someone who's forty you look great..."
    or "When I'm forty I hope I look as good as you"

    I just put a puzzled puss on my face and they usually catch themselves'
    "Oh I didn't mean it like that"icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Oct 01, 2007 11:50 PM GMT
    Wow people in here seem to get offended by the slightest thing icon_smile.gif I'd probably like most of those compliments mentioned.

    I don't understand why we have to tiptoe around racial preferences either. Seriously, white, asian, black, all have distinct looks to them, and no, that's not to say they are all the same, but they are distinctly different from eachother in appearance, so it's strange that you guys would take offence that someone happens to prefer the looks of one race over another. For example, why isn't it offensive when someone voices a preference for say.. asian, for example. Someone may say "I'm really into asian guys" and everyone would be fine with it. But saying "Man asians don't tend to be my cup of tea" is now somehow racist and offensive, even though there are clear physical features that make these groups distinct. It would be understandable if that weren't the case.. but it is! Asians, blacks, whites, and other races tend to have distinct physical features as groups!

    Racism stuff is becomming tiring to me these days. People started to read so far into it that it's losing real meaning.

    And the age thing too. Someone told me "I'm not usually into younger guys but..." And I thought.... "Well if this guy doesn't like younger guys but seems to like me, I must be somehow better than other younger guys! Great!" Should I be offended that he TYPICALLY doesn't like people my age? Why?

    To get back on topic though, when I get a compliment as long as the intention is good it generally doesn't bother me, in fact I like it. And I don't think anyone's ever complimented me with bad intentions.
  • MaxHedrm

    Posts: 10

    Oct 02, 2007 12:16 AM GMT
    I've caught myself several times almost saying "I hope I look that good when I'm [insert some age older than me]." When replying to profiles on here. What I mean is that I hope I can manage to improve that much by then, using the guy as a sort of goal. So it really can be meant as a sincere compliment. Even if it doesn't come out that way.
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    Oct 02, 2007 12:23 AM GMT
    I've been asked to provide career references and you have to be careful what you say. In the U.S. you can sue a slice of ham and win and vice versa. A piece of ham can sue you and win. In any case, here's a few that I read some time ago and always feel safe using:

    Nobody would be better for the job.

    I am proud to call this person an ex-colleague.

    I can say "without qualification, this person is a hard worker".
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    Oct 02, 2007 2:23 AM GMT
    haha, I am afraid to go back and look at recommendation letters for grad school. The admissions here may have not realize the double entendres which would explain why I'm hating this.
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    Oct 02, 2007 2:35 AM GMT
    The list is endless. I am a seventh generation Alabamian..no tolerance for someone who meets me and says, "you don't sound southern" Huh???

    When someone knows you're gay and says, "I like you anyway." Great, does it matter that I am also southern?

    My personal favorite..."you know, I wouldn't guess that you had Ph.D."



  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Oct 02, 2007 3:02 AM GMT
    I can't tell you how many times I've gone out with white guys and had them say, "I don't usually go out with black guys but you sound different.icon_mad.gif" Even if guys are clever enough to hide how they really about another race and are just dating the guy for a fetish or thrill it comes out in the end.

    Doug
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    Oct 02, 2007 3:20 AM GMT
    wow, how freaking ignorant.

    so sad.
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    Oct 02, 2007 3:42 AM GMT
    I think the age thing is like a "gay thing:" If you're in the club you can say "you look good for your age," but, of course, with age comes wisdom and you know how to say it. icon_wink.gif

    I have gotten the old "I hope I look as good as you at your age" remark, too. I love your response, Squarejaw. I usually respond the same way as GQjock, which is just wearing an expression of bemusement that makes them feel unsettled. If we were straight we wouldn't be getting these remarks until we were in our late 50s or early 60s. Sheesh!

    On the other hand, there are some guys here who have some great features that I know they focus on because they're harder to keep past the 30 mark. I told one member here, who is in his late 40s, how much I admire his six-pack abs and that he obliterated any excuse I could offer for not having one at 38. I certainly hope that played as mutual respect because that's how it was intended and that seemed to be how the other board member took it.