Is it crazy to let a guy you're dating move in after knowing less than a week?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2014 10:07 AM GMT
    So, I've been in a relationship with a guy now for barely over a month. And it's been great, we been sharing some great memories both at home and away. The attraction is there, he's intelligent, takes care of himself, and he admires me enough to where I never feel the uncertainty and mind fuck games like I've suffered thru non-stop over the last 4 years, due to meeting 1 failed date after the next.

    He recently introduced me to his folks in the next state over for the holiday.I have not had a guy I've dated FORMALLY introduce me to his family for as long as I can remember. And the last time it happened, it was an epic fail. But, all his folks liked me and they were the nicest people you could ever meet. And I'm talking small town, country folks who you'd think might disown their kids for dating someone like me lol. Plus, they are all well-off. they all have their Ish together financially (in comparison).

    So all sounds good right? Only thing is we've been living together! We met thru a friend one night out and about 3 days into meeting, we hung out again and I found out he was pretty much going from couch to couch. By that, he had no place to live. Long story short, he fell on hard times, descended from a comfortable middle class lifestyle on his own he created, to basically having nothing. He also moved from another state to start over.

    The kicker is, he's not employed right now, and hasn't been since we met. Seemed like he had a job briefly, but was let go. Being I live alone, I let him stay with me. However, my finances are on a thread myself...and before meeting him I was planning to relocate to start over myself. I don't want to tell him to leave, because he's a ton of help around the house, and he's my man now and I like him around me. But, Im not seeing the effort being put to finding work. And i typically prefer that the person I date, to be able to provide for themselves.

    I'm just curious for some advice on this, or maybe someone to tell me be patient lol. At the same time, sometimes throughout the week, I find myself panicking inside wondering what the hell did I get myself into lol. It's kinda scary because the guy is living with me and its only been a month. It also bothers me that there's no income coming in on his part, and my bills are steady coming in. I paid over $1,200 in rent/bills last week, and still owe $300 more. Which I know isn't necessarily his fault, but i shouldn't have to come up with ALL the bills when there's 2 of us.
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    Dec 01, 2014 2:57 PM GMT
    him saying/leave or you paying bills are two separate issues. I would let him go before blowing up at him, if you must do anything. Definitely would not shift the blame tho and its someone to talk to.
    -I would not let him stop you from doing something in your life you need to do.
    -its the great recession so unemployment or under employment will be with us all next year too.
    -at some point in a long term relationship for whatever happens, money will become tight. Sorry its happening now.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Dec 01, 2014 4:48 PM GMT
    Yeah, don't worry about it for a while. As long as your expenses aren't going UP because he's there, you can't really be mad at him because you're struggling. At some point, though, you should ask him to help. Maybe not cover half, but ask him to start picking up the power bill, or cable bill, or something. And just be honest with him about what you're thinking for yourself job-wise, and finance-wise. All couples have these issues. Most of us have been through tough times. Couples with two jobs have issues because one may want or need to move to further a career. And the other may not want to go anywhere. These are the kinds of things that fall into the "work" of a relationship. But you're still in the honeymoon stage. Just take responsibility for your own obligations and enjoy his company. No harm in asking him what he's thinking about job-wise. You'd be asking that anyway if he wasn't living with you. Most of all, don't project your fears onto him. Sounds like he's a good guy.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 01, 2014 8:15 PM GMT
    It certainly sounds like you found a great guy despite the job thing but you have to remember, the economy right now is shit (for lack of better word). IF you say that this guy fell on hard times by getting let go from his work, it's a lot harder to get a job right now. I've been trying for a year now and I've had no luck but I'm trying. I feel that some people who are employed don't realize how hard it is until it happens to them.

    Anyway, if the financial status is very important for you and you can't handle him not having money to help, maybe it means he's not the right one for you? I can understand that money is a very important thing in a relationships and it's better to be with someone who has it but in this case, you say you think you found the perfect guy for you in all other aspects.

    I'd probably wait it out and see what happens. As long as he isn't taking advantage of you and wanting you to buy things for him, it shouldn't get too bad. If anything, why not suggest him to do some sort of freelance work? Thar's what I do right now and while I don't get a big sum of money, I do get enough (well, because I save it).

    I do hope things work out and if they don't, at least you will know what you definitely want for your next relationship. Good luck.
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    Dec 02, 2014 1:18 AM GMT
    Thanks for response everyone. Today was a little better, I asked him for help with one of bills that's been steady mounting up. He did help out, but at the same time I felt bad because it was money his folks have him. I'll have to get him back.

    Like I say, he's a lot of help. Not like my last roommate who would give me money, but then he'd argue over it and was a slop around the house lol.

    Like I said, i can be kinda conventional. Like meet someone, go on 3 dates, then have sex. Get to know each other. But hell, I'm so bored of meeting like that. I've been dating to death wasting time for 4 years. But, I'm not doing this out of boredom or desperation either. It's just this person has proven himself so well in such a short amount of time, but it's just never happened to me like this before.

    In the meantime, I'm doing what I can to improve the situation. I just put my apartment up on air b&b to try and make back some rent money.
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    Dec 02, 2014 9:38 PM GMT
    I think moving too fast is good for you. Plenty of my friends have a story about how they saw each other every day for like a year after the first date or moved in together in the first month and they are still together. Controlling everything is too much.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Dec 02, 2014 10:29 PM GMT
    grofte saidI think moving too fast is good for you. Plenty of my friends have a story about how they saw each other every day for like a year after the first date or moved in together in the first month and they are still together. Controlling everything is too much.

    Ya. You don't hear this all that often but it really is true. My guy and I had sex within 10 minutes of meeting, went exclusive within two weeks and started thinking about the long term almost immediately. That certainly hadn't been my pattern before him. Over 7 years now. I hear so many guys here with so much caution and hangups and rules that I wonder if they'll ever let themselves fall in love.
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    Dec 03, 2014 3:11 AM GMT
    Help him find a job. Do it in a kind way. For example, just mention that there is the place and they are hiring. Most importantly, tell him how you feel about the situation. "We need to talk".
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    Dec 03, 2014 6:40 AM GMT
    I think you have a healthy skepticism. Don't be a doormat, but also have some patience while he figures out his shit. Set goals together that require him making some bank, like an overnighter at a nice hotel you need to split. This is helping him motivate himself a little to keep trying on the job front.

    Be grateful to him for all of his help. Showing you value his work is a way that you can show your appreciation.

    For yourself, you should keep a little internal clock about how long this is acceptable to you. Be frank with him about it being okay for the time being, but that ideally, a two-person income will make for a much nicer lifestyle for the two of you, and that you would like to be able to share that kind of lifestyle with him.

    Engaging in the job search with him is a possibility, but it may hamper his own initiative, as well. You'll have to feel that one out.

    These are just some of my thoughts from previous experience. Use what you will, and good luck.
  • Bowyn_Aerrow

    Posts: 357

    Dec 03, 2014 4:37 PM GMT
    Politicians are lying, media are lying. Reality, the economy is still listing hard to port, perhaps going down by the head (visions of Titanic slowly sinking into the north sea).

    I don't know about your area, I do know in mine even seasonal help at stores is sluggish and still lots of people looking and not finding a job.

    Markets as in Stock markets don't tell you the story, markets as in retail stores tell you:


    Black Friday Revealed How Poor Americans Really Are

    Black Friday sales plummeted this year, leaving retailers completely stumped.

    After weeks of declining gas prices, many analysts predicted the biggest holiday season ever. Industry groups like the National Retail Federation reasoned that Americans would use their fuel savings on gifts.

    Despite encouraging forecasts, Black Friday weekend sales were down 11%.


    Source: http://www.businessinsider.com/black-friday-revealed-how-poor-americans-really-are-2014-12

    While the media and politicians and stock market are calling what we have a 'recession' the reality is we are in a depression, and like every depression we are seeing it get worse and worse. A consumer based economy requires sales of shit in order to create jobs, shit ain't selling, thus there will be less jobs, which leads to less shit selling, which leads to less jobs... and so on. Welcome to the Free Capitalist Economy which never (never, ever, ever,) will work.

    You need to keep this in mind in this situation. You kids in your 20's are having a hard go at it, and most likely have not known anything else but a hard go since the market crash of 08 actually had its impact on the economy at early as 2006 with a sharp decline in new jobs being available. Most people were leaning second mortgages already to make ends meet.

    So for at least the last 8 years the job market has at best slacked, at worst (which it is worst now) been in deep decline.

    Unemployment statistics is not about actual people working, its about how many are collecting benefits. Sadly, after 6 months when the benefits end these people are no longer counted. They ain't working, but they are not on the dole. So we get this inflated rosy picture of higher than actual employment figures.

    Reality, still millions upon millions of individuals are out there looking for work, with millions of fresh high school graduating workers not even counted even once in the job statistics.

    Economically your situation is not abnormal, if anything its most likely the new normal, one of the partners has no job and has few to little prospects at getting a job.

    Mind, companies are NOT hiring unemployed people. In a really sick twist of events they are hiring those who already have jobs over hiring those who have no jobs. So your BF is pretty much getting screwed from both ends and not in the happy way.

    So how realistic is it for him to find a job?

    Really.... Of course if he isn't applying and going to interviews he most likely won't have a job offer. If he is applying and going to interviews you can't blame him for not getting a job.

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    Dec 15, 2014 8:11 AM GMT
    OK, in case anyone wants to know how this "thing" has been turning out, I wanted to follow up with an update. 15 days since I posted this, the fucking relationship blew up like a hand grenade.

    As it turns out, there's more going on than him just being down on his luck. I have opened my door to him, driven him to and from work (the 3 days he worked since October), helped him through his DAILY emotional/crybaby bullshit...and this mother fucker did nothing but complain all night long to me last night about, "oh you never take me out (yet i took him along to Vegas and Arizona for a week last month), and that i don't love/care/appreciate him...ALLL because I asked him to leave at the end of the week and make other living arrangements because him being in my place is taking up my space, and it's too small to have another person living here. Plus, it's way too soon to do that after only knowing him for 2 dates before he moved in on me.

    Long story short, 2 huge arguments broke out last night...I got fed up with him telling everyone (complete random strangers) who would listen at the club that we're broken up and I treat him so bad...and I got tired of him putting me down, just because I tell him I need him to make other living arrangements for 2-3 weeks while I'm visiting my family cross country. I had to kick him out of my car at 4 am at Walmart and let him figure shit out because I told him that if I treat him so bad, and if he can "find someone who appreciates him", he don't even need to even be riding with me. He lost his mind to think he can make me feel like I'm mistreating him, when I've done more than enough for him. The alternative can be much worse, and I showed him just how.

    So, although I appreciate everyone's words of encouragement, I personally don't find it wise or conducive to a relationship to move in with someone after only a week of knowing each other. Economy isn't that bad, and after talking with this guy's relative today..he has a drinking problem, hangs on to too many failures in life, always finds a way to fuck shit up, and has way too much baggage to be in a relationship with anybody.
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    Dec 15, 2014 11:48 AM GMT
    Live and learn...
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    Dec 15, 2014 1:20 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs27 said
    I personally don't find it wise or conducive to a relationship to move in with someone after only a week of knowing each other. Economy isn't that bad, and after talking with this guy's relative today..he has a drinking problem, hangs on to too many failures in life, always finds a way to fuck shit up, and has way too much baggage to be in a relationship with anybody.

    I never moved in with a guy (or vice versa) until we'd been dating at least 6 months. That's been 4 times now. Not a rule, just the time it took to start falling seriously in love. And frankly to see each other's strengths & flaws, and your compatibility with each other.

    You saw his flaws and incompatibility AFTER he moved in with you. Suggesting that next time the "getting to know you" period needs to be a little longer.

    And in this case a guy whose first priority may have been finding a financial lifeline rather than a lover. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to survive, that's kinda understandable in circumstances like his. But the other guy needs to anticipate this motivation in evaluating him. Which again may take longer than a few days.
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    Dec 16, 2014 8:31 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    I never moved in with a guy (or vice versa) until we'd been dating at least 6 months. That's been 4 times now. Not a rule, just the time it took to start falling seriously in love. And frankly to see each other's strengths & flaws, and your compatibility with each other. .


    And see...that's what I been telling the guy. It's waaaay too fucking soon to be shacking up. Deep down inside, I knew from day 1 it would cause problems. All he says is, "well I can't help that I got into my situation". But I told him, "you can't bring all your baggage, and all your depression and financial/work issues into someone else's HOME and expect to still be loved. All that does is bring me down, affects my productivity and non of us benefit.

    He finally understood when I said it that way, because he thinks I'm wrong that I'm not willing to accept his issues. That I'm supposed to love him regardless. No boo, you don't earn that in 45days. We're not fucking married. He talks to me like we've been together for 5 years thru good and bad times. all I've seen is the bad times with him!

    I also told him, he can help avoid this situation. I told him he needs to stop trying to be a sassy fucking queen all the time and learn to shut the fuck up sometimes. He was hired in October for a good job in the rich part of town before I met him, and lost it before his first paycheck, because of calling someone a bitch. That could have been money he could have used by now. i told him to mind his business, stop trying to make everyone like him, and learn when to bite your tongue. He gets mad and tries to say he can't have a voice...I'm like no, have a voice WHEN its going to benefit you, not for shock value or to get attention.
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    Dec 16, 2014 3:18 PM GMT
    This person you were with sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. He relies on others to bail him out of his ongoing series of self-created crises. I would wait from a far distance for him to work through some of his issues with accountability and maturity before having a relationship with him. Your a good-looking guy and seems like you want to do the right thing, so I would find someone that is a little more worthy of you that can engage in a mature, mutually supportive relationship.
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    Dec 16, 2014 3:50 PM GMT
    Did your being a prostitute have anything to do with it?