When your "Christian" friend, de-friends you

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 4:38 AM GMT
    Long story short

    A friend from high school, our Christian high school, just defriended me on FB. He knows I am gay since I came out 25 years ago. We didn't talk for years until 2002 when my mom passed away. At 50, he is having a second kid with his new wife, his first kid, with a different mother, is in his late 20's, ex military. I wrote I wish him and his wife well on his FB timeline, like his other friends and family did.

    I suspect he defriended me due to his "reputation" that his other FB friends and family that are devout "Christians", some of which I also went to high school with are anti-gay and to have me as a FB friend would be considered treason among the religious crowd, not to mention his new baby on the way, whom I am sure will grow up with bible and guns. One of his FB friends is our old history teacher from high school, who now appears to have turned pastor, who appears to have checked out my FB profile.

    I thought my friend, who made contact with me after my mom died, I didn't contact him, got over his fear and didn't care what others thought. I assume once I wrote something on his FB timeline, his other FB friends would be curious to see who I was and checked out my profile. Now that we are not FB associated any longer, his other friends do not have direct link to my profile. I only use FB for my family and old friends, not a gay parade, not for posting anything political. I do have "liked" some things that are gay related.

    At our age, I really don't have time for this nonsense from the right, its his problem not mine that he has a shame complex, still, after all these years, if he wants to "come back" should I just ignore him now? icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 5:10 AM GMT
    Maybe he's just cleaning up his list and keeping only the people he actually interacts with frequently.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Dec 03, 2014 5:30 AM GMT
    Nah it's gotta be the evil Christians, pitchforks everyone!
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1034

    Dec 03, 2014 5:36 AM GMT
    You already know the answer to your question. If you want to be friends with the guy, accept him back. If you don't, don't.

    And try not to fall into the Facebook "friend/unfriend" trap. That's for 12-year-old girls.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 5:36 AM GMT
    I recently got a friend request from someone who was already my friend. He asked me if he had done something wrong and wanted to know why I defriended him. He's a really cool guy and there's no way I would have ever defriended this guy. I explained that to him although I'm not sure he really believed me. So, maybe, just maybe this happened to your friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 5:43 AM GMT
    xrichx saidMaybe he's just cleaning up his list and keeping only the people he actually interacts with frequently.


    That is fine for some of his people he maybe has met along the way, I have done that myself. But this is different, him and I grew up together from at least 14 years old and up. Its not like we are strangers and we do have old neighborhood friends in common on FB.

    It was his choice to return into my life after my coming out and now appears to be his choice to leave my life because others will find out publicly he has a gay friend, all the while trying to explain to his people why he associates with fags. Its a classic right wing mental fear complex
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 5:52 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidI recently got a friend request from someone who was already my friend. He asked me if he had done something wrong and wanted to know why I defriended him. He's a really cool guy and there's no way I would have ever defriended this guy. I explained that to him although I'm not sure he really believed me. So, maybe, just maybe this happened to your friend.



    Yeah, I have noticed that too on FB, is FB auto defriending people without permission? So what happened, did you reconnect with your friend? I am not sure what is going on there either, I have another long time friend that mysteriously disappeared from my friends list, I thought I pissed her off somehow but never did anything like that, Rather odd....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 6:00 AM GMT
    scruffLA said
    Scruffypup saidI recently got a friend request from someone who was already my friend. He asked me if he had done something wrong and wanted to know why I defriended him. He's a really cool guy and there's no way I would have ever defriended this guy. I explained that to him although I'm not sure he really believed me. So, maybe, just maybe this happened to your friend.



    Yeah, I have noticed that too on FB, is FB auto defriending people without permission? So what happened, did you reconnect with your friend? I am not sure what is going on there either, I have another long time friend that mysteriously disappeared from my friends list, I thought I pissed her off somehow but never did anything like that, Rather odd....



    Yeah, we're friends again, but I don't think he believed I didn't defriend him. Really sucks though because I really like this guy. He helped my boyfriend and I during Katrina when we were stuck in Houston and Facebook is our sole connection. I have no idea how it happened but I know I didn't do it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 6:12 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    scruffLA said
    Scruffypup saidI recently got a friend request from someone who was already my friend. He asked me if he had done something wrong and wanted to know why I defriended him. He's a really cool guy and there's no way I would have ever defriended this guy. I explained that to him although I'm not sure he really believed me. So, maybe, just maybe this happened to your friend.



    Yeah, I have noticed that too on FB, is FB auto defriending people without permission? So what happened, did you reconnect with your friend? I am not sure what is going on there either, I have another long time friend that mysteriously disappeared from my friends list, I thought I pissed her off somehow but never did anything like that, Rather odd....



    Yeah, we're friends again, but I don't think he believed I didn't defriend him. Really sucks though because I really like this guy. He helped my boyfriend and I during Katrina when we were stuck in Houston and Facebook is our sole connection. I have no idea how it happened but I know I didn't do it.


    I found this, a keylogger? I don't have a computer virus, my bit defender anti-virus software is da bomb, it gets everything, maybe through phone app?


    Has anyone else experienced a problem with FB unfriending people automatically?
    https://www.facebook.com/help/community/question/?id=10152291991462694
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 03, 2014 6:45 AM GMT
    Sometimes people choose to leave the past, in the past, and just choose to keep family and close friends on their fb.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 7:23 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidSometimes people choose to leave the past, in the past, and just choose to keep family and close friends on their fb.


    True, but how do you explain someone with over 500+ "friends" on facebook? Nobody has that many true friends, its much like a popularity contest or something, unless one is much in the public spotlight all the time with a sort of celebrity status or following, I don't see the need for all these people on a FB friends list. I have noticed young people that attended many years of college do tend to have 1,000 or more FB friends, like fraternities, attention whores, everyone knows everyone? You cant possibly 'know' everyone in your school unless you are valedictorian, president of something, school slut, party animal, athlete going pro or political activist.

    My FB friends list is very short, family and close friends, not some frats from college or my entire high school graduating class that I don't give a shit about icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 7:43 AM GMT
    scruffLA said
    Scruffypup saidI recently got a friend request from someone who was already my friend. He asked me if he had done something wrong and wanted to know why I defriended him. He's a really cool guy and there's no way I would have ever defriended this guy. I explained that to him although I'm not sure he really believed me. So, maybe, just maybe this happened to your friend.



    Yeah, I have noticed that too on FB, is FB auto defriending people without permission? So what happened, did you reconnect with your friend? I am not sure what is going on there either, I have another long time friend that mysteriously disappeared from my friends list, I thought I pissed her off somehow but never did anything like that, Rather odd....


    I seldom interact on FB, but I've also noticed this. I blamed it solely on big fingers and thumbs while using my phone for access and somehow have accidentally deleted folks.

    I use RJ far more and have made many mistakes such as putting folks on block that I didn't intend, serious tie-poos, etc. I thought it was all or almost all from using my phone for access.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 7:58 AM GMT
    If he doesn't need you, you don't need him too
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 10:59 AM GMT
    Here's a thought: Phone or email him outside of facebook to ask him what's going on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 2:43 PM GMT
    duluthrunner saidHere's a thought: Phone or email him outside of facebook to ask him what's going on.


    73614-thats-crazy-talk-gif-Imgur-zPtf.gi
    That's crazy talk! Crazy talk I tell ya!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2014 2:56 PM GMT
    xrichx saidMaybe he's just cleaning up his list and keeping only the people he actually interacts with frequently.


    Yes this is typical. Time and history usually have nothing to do with it as people are more concerned about who's currently in their life. If it bothers you why not contact him personally and see for yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 04, 2014 9:35 PM GMT
    More room for someone else to be a friend since the position is now vacant. Press on. Next.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2014 12:12 AM GMT
    tmac said
    xrichx saidMaybe he's just cleaning up his list and keeping only the people he actually interacts with frequently.


    Yes this is typical. Time and history usually have nothing to do with it as people are more concerned about who's currently in their life. If it bothers you why not contact him personally and see for yourself.


    Was going to say something similar. I think if you're truly curious just ask.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2014 12:55 AM GMT
    I've recently deleted over 200 friends from Facebook because I've lost touch with them. You can always re-add later, if you want. I wouldn't take it personally.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2014 6:42 AM GMT
    scruffLA said
    AMoonHawk saidSometimes people choose to leave the past, in the past, and just choose to keep family and close friends on their fb.


    True, but how do you explain someone with over 500+ "friends" on facebook? Nobody has that many true friends, its much like a popularity contest or something, unless one is much in the public spotlight all the time with a sort of celebrity status or following, I don't see the need for all these people on a FB friends list. I have noticed young people that attended many years of college do tend to have 1,000 or more FB friends, like fraternities, attention whores, everyone knows everyone? You cant possibly 'know' everyone in your school unless you are valedictorian, president of something, school slut, party animal, athlete going pro or political activist.

    My FB friends list is very short, family and close friends, not some frats from college or my entire high school graduating class that I don't give a shit about icon_rolleyes.gif


    I would not make any judgements based on Facebook. It's getting aggressively evil. If you "like" stuff you become a spokes person for that thing or product and an ad for the product is sent to your friends from you regularly. The only way to stop the barrage of ads is to remove the friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2014 7:19 AM GMT
    I quite honestly find this whole thread a tempest in teapot. First of all, I find the whole use of the noun and philosophical concept of a friend as denigrated and blasphemed by Facebook's corporate use of the word as a verb. People with whom one merely interacts on Facebook merely by virtue of being on Facebook are nothing more significant than pen pals at best, from whom Zuckerberg makes money by having them click an internet button he has labeled "friends". That click alone does not make the other person a friend -- a best it makes him a corporate earning unit with whom one chats online.

    Therefore, making a big deal out of whether the button is clicked or un-clicked is ridiculous in gauging the true level of friendship between two people, past, present, or future. Friendships are established by some significant, extensive personal interactions, usually on some face-to-face basis, and depending on the chemistry, can be established by brief interactions or by extensive histories. Yes, it is possible to turn someone one has "met" on Facebook into a real friend, but that is not accomplished by clicking some effing button on a computer screen.

    If one is so worried as to whether someone is a friend or not, call them up and ask them, or...gasp...write an actual letter with postage and mail it, or send them an email. But...don't confuse some digital method for interacting with others on Facebook as dictated by Zuckerberg as a true friendship. If it IS a friendship, then the friendship was established by some other means that merely button-clicking on your computer or cell phone. And, if it is a friendship, then click or un-clicking the corporate Facebook button may be being done for any number of reasons having little if anything to do with the friendship itself. The whole Facebook world is so very very very intrusive into one's private world with little control over its creepy spiderweb-like entrapment of matters best remaining undisclosed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2014 10:58 AM GMT
    Rest assured that if he defriended you for religious reasons there's very little chance he's going to ask back into your life (as if Facebook is an accurate portrayal of anyone's life, but I digress ...).

    He's telling you who he is - no need to overthink the issue.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2014 3:16 PM GMT
    My own brother unfriended me over something stupid. I never gave it a second thought. If I can do it for a blood brother surely you can for a fair weather friend.
  • zalcland

    Posts: 51

    Dec 05, 2014 4:43 PM GMT
    I had a really good friend who quickly became one of my best friends. She started dating a really religious guy and went from spiritual / loving everyone and everything to thanking Jesus for all her accomplishments. Even though she lived right next door to me, so slowly started to ignore me even in person.

    It was the saddest thing because I frankly didnt know why she was doing this. After ignoring me in person at school for a semester and a half, I sent her a text asking why. She responded to me (on my birthday) saying "the reason no one wants to talk to you is because you are too much of a burden, and probably should talk to god".

    It hurt quite a bit. I later found out she refused a role in a play with gay themes because it went against her religion (we are acting majors). Those kinds of people wont get far in life for being so close minded. Im sure she was blacklisted.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 05, 2014 4:57 PM GMT
    We have all had friends "unfriend" us on FB.. sometimes it is absolutely unintentional (I've had friends ask me why I unfriended them and I hadn't).

    Don't take it personally, despite the situation. If he did unfriend you because he's worried you don't fit in with his
    "Christian" friends on FB, you are lucky to have him gone since he isn't behaving like a Christian.. just a point of
    clarification.

    If you ever have the opportunity to talk to him about it, just ask, "I noticed we aren't friends on FB anymore and was curious". See what he says.

    Otherwise, don't take it personally, don't hold a grudge for something he may not have intentionally done and focus on the important things.