Life Advice...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2014 11:23 AM GMT
    I'm pretty unhappy with my life...I'm almost 32 years old, but I feel like I'm still in my 20s, I've never had a real relationship with a guy and I feel like it's not going to happen, I try to meet guys online but apparently I'm not attractive enough to the guys I find myself attracted to. I largely get ignored or I end up having a short lived hook up. I have to admit this constant and never ending rejection has fueled a growing hatred of the gay men I'm attracted to, I lust after them but by the same token I have nothing but animosity towards them. I don't even want gay male friends, I just want romanic relationship with a gay man that I find attractive. Most of my friends are straight males, as they don't judge me on appearance since they are attracted to women, and even if they did it's not like they have thoughts of having sex with other men so I feel more validated by them then I would by the the vain nature of gay men towards other men.

    I know this continuous unhealthy dynamic is not going to end very well, but I don't know how to fix it. I try to work on my fitness but I don't know where to begin there, I've hired a personal trainer this past year but was unhappy with the results not to mention I could only afford to see him more than once a week for about 5 months, which didn't really help. I try working out on my own but I feel so uncomfortable, I feel like everyone is judging my imperfections, I really wish I knew what exactly to do to get in better shape and see the results, I don't think the personal trainer I hired really gave me the means to achieve this on my own (obviously he wants a growing paycheck) as I still don't know what I'm doing. Can somebody give me honest to good advice about what I can do so I don't end up really fucked up and alone late in life with a gun to my head?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2014 12:08 PM GMT
    You really want some advice?

    How about you get yer fat ass off the couch and run around the block a few times?

    Getting in shape has nothing to do with how many personal trainers you can afford to hire. And hating on gays isn't particularly helpful.

    Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2014 3:27 PM GMT
    bon_pan saidYou really want some advice?

    How about you get yer fat ass off the couch and run around the block a few times?

    Getting in shape has nothing to do with how many personal trainers you can afford to hire. And hating on gays isn't particularly helpful.

    Stop feeling sorry for yourself.


    Your response isn't helpful either...
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 05, 2014 4:14 PM GMT
    Thanks for sharing how you feel and asking for advice.. a couple of things to keep in mind:

    Just know we all have times when we wonder about ourselves. There isn't anybody on this site that hasn't had a question about who they are, where they are in life or their decisions.

    You didn't talk about your education, your job and what you do on the side. A positive self concept radiates from who you are as a person, what you know you can achieve, what you have done and how you live life on a daily basis. Going the extra mile in the things you do for success builds confidence, it creates the enthusiasm to go further and strive and achieve more.

    Now you might wonder why I'm talking about this on the basis of what you shared with us. The fact you don't have a boyfriend at this point in life isn't nearly as important as what I said above. Working on personal goals and realizing achievements helps mold you and your future. The boyfriend will come....

    Regarding your fitness, working with a trainer is nice, but in the end, it is YOU who you must count on to make it happen. Time with your trainer should be spent working so you can do it on your own. They can't do it for you.

    So start off and assess how you spend your day, how productive it is and highlighting short term and long term goals. In my opinion, a relationship with a guy is a longer term goal. Improve yourself on a day by day basis and work toward those short term goals... and longer term ones will present themselves.

    Being successful in anything doesn't happen overnight, it
    is a building process... Good luck, you can make progress!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2014 5:09 PM GMT
    I appreciate the sincere response, thank you. But I need some guidance on how to accomplish these things, like a good book or a good guide to follow...I feel like I've been in a endless loop doing the same thing over and over again with no results or at least none that I'm satisfied with.

    In terms of my profession, I'm a software developer currently working full time and doing my masters degree in parallel in software engineering.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 05, 2014 5:20 PM GMT
    If you're only attracted to men who are in shape then you owe it to yourself to get in shape, or you'll never be happy. You can't have a deep relationship until you get passed being shallow, and right now you won't even date someone who looks like you. You're drowning in shallow water. The only way to get past it is to stand up and get in shape. Stop coveting something so basic, and get ahold of yourself. You'll see then that what you wanted was always within reach, and then you'll look for something more meaningful from there.

    Honestly, it's not that hard or complicated. If I can do it, anyone can do it. Your body is a lifelong reno project, but it will be rewarding all the way, and obviously better than blowing your brains out. Good luck!
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 05, 2014 5:24 PM GMT
    chitown31210 saidI appreciate the sincere response, thank you. But I need some guidance on how to accomplish these things, like a good book or a good guide to follow...I feel like I've been in a endless loop doing the same thing over and over again with no results or at least none that I'm satisfied with.

    In terms of my profession, I'm a software developer currently working full time and doing my masters degree in parallel in software engineering.

    Your career is less important than getting in shape. I say that because your body is the thing that makes you want to hold a gun to your head. A career seems trivial compared to this life-and-death struggle for personal acceptance you're wading in.

    As for specific advice, focus on your areas of weakness, and lift weights.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2014 5:41 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    Honestly, it's not that hard or complicated. If I can do it, anyone can do it. Your body is a lifelong reno project, but it will be rewarding all the way, and obviously better than blowing your brains out. Good luck!


    I disagree, it's incredibly hard for me, I've spent 10 years going to the gym regularly and I feel like I've gone nowhere, I need a guide and structure, it may be easy for you but it isn't for me.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 05, 2014 6:02 PM GMT
    chitown31210 said
    HottJoe said
    Honestly, it's not that hard or complicated. If I can do it, anyone can do it. Your body is a lifelong reno project, but it will be rewarding all the way, and obviously better than blowing your brains out. Good luck!


    I disagree, it's incredibly hard for me, I've spent 10 years going to the gym regularly and I feel like I've gone nowhere, I need a guide and structure, it may be easy for you but it isn't for me.

    No, it's not. The emotional abuse and thoughts of suicide are hard on you. Exercise is much easier than suffering in your own private hell. You just have to do it every single day. If we're talking life and death, then fight for your life, dammit. Otherwise you're just giving up.

    No one but you can fix your problem. You have to do it for yourself. Just don't give up.
  • davfit

    Posts: 309

    Dec 05, 2014 6:08 PM GMT
    Get in shape because you love yourself period ..and want to like what you see in the Mirror.. Don't worry about others..most gay men have crap bodies ..thats the real fact..
    Get on youtube ..many Personal trainers(Free) giving great advice on what to do to get real results..I just now have the Best body in my life and its just getting better at 40 plus plus..
    As for as the alone part ..thats Crap internal dialoge that does no one any good.. and you can change that easy.. Remmember... your thoughts" Create your world " The most powerul tool in life !! make them loving an positive toward yourself and others.. Louise hay, Dr Wayne Dyer have many books and online(youtube)to help you get your thoughts in your mind in line with your life goals..Hope this Helps.. do it icon_smile.gif
  • warrior1234

    Posts: 204

    Dec 05, 2014 6:25 PM GMT
    I have to admit I feel the same way you feel about yourself. I'm 26 years old now and to be honest I really don't see myself ever dating a guy or even having sex with a guy that I find attractive.

    I suffer from depression and I have major anxiety issues. I'm seeing a therapist at the moment and have refused to take anti depressants because once you get off them you'll start feeling low again.

    I'm currently unemployed and am not fit for work just yet because of my issues but I have decided to use the time to get an education. I've been unemployed for almost a year now and have used this time to pass my GCSE English and Computerised Bookkeeping Course Level 1 (Sage 50). After that I passed my AAT in accountancy level 1. I am now currently doing GCSE Maths and AAT in accountancy level 2. For my AAT level there are 5 modules to complete. I've passed the first two but the third is very tough and I really don't see me passing this module.

    As soon as my AAT Level 2 course is out of the way I'm going to have to look for work and get back into the game again.

    I'm proud of some of the things that I've accomplished in the past few months. This is because usually me and education never click. I failed in all of my subjects back when I used to attend secondary school. So it's good that I'm showing progress now with my education and studies. But I've also noticed that I am feeling more and more depressed and hating myself a lot more these days. I also keep having negative thoughts for some reason.

    I'm also attracted to men in good shape which is just pointless for me because I am not in good shape myself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2014 7:07 PM GMT
    chitown31210 saidI'm pretty unhappy with my life...I've never had a real relationship with a guy and I feel like it's not going to happen...so I don't end up really fucked up and alone late in life with a gun to my head?


    Even if you get yourself in the best shape now, eventually looks fade so you might want to keep that gun handy. Even if you find and form a lasting & healthy relationship with the love of your life, he can wind up dying first, dead too soon. So you can do everything right yet still wind up alone later in life. But for random accidents, convenient murder/suicides, and takotsubo cardiomyopathy, very few couples wind up dying at about the same time. So you need to find your happiness some other way.

    A relationship isn't about finding your happiness, it is about sharing your happiness.

    And unless you're the one guy with the definitive answer as to whether or not individual consciousness survives the body, you don't even know if that gun will solve your problem. So maybe there's some other more sure way of going about that. It helps to think things out if you're not so distracted.

    First you need to figure out how to ignore both the idiots outside you and the idiot inside. You need to find your rudder. Though we can be temporarily swayed, thrown off course by an external rogue wave hitting the hull at a bad angle, ultimately neither your looks nor the opinions of others have much to do with your view of yourself. That's all internal.

    No matter how fantastic you make yourself look now, no matter how much fun you'd have with that, and you would, I know, I did, eventually even those looks will fade--I know that too, God damn it--so you need to find something more stable, something less temporal. So when you install that rudder, you might want to add some ballast to both maintain your direction towards safe harbor and to ride out capsizing forces.

    perfect-storm-scene-o.gif

    "Attitudes are more important than facts"~~Carl Menninger

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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2014 7:22 PM GMT
    Set small, attainable goals for yourself week to week. Start waking up at the same time every morning, plan out your meals, have a routine and stick to it. Also, having a workout partner is huge. A friend who can spot you and plan workouts with has helped me tremendously.

    You gotta be patient though. Just worry about getting yourself on the right track for now and slowly but surely things will start happening for you. Dont forget to revel in and celebrate the small victories along the way. True, lasting change/improvement in life takes time but is well worth the effort. 10 years will go by no matter what...make them great years for yourself, you deserve it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2014 7:47 PM GMT
    Can somebody give me honest to good advice about what I can do so I don't end up really fucked up and alone late in life with a gun to my head? [/quote]

    Honestly? The reason your alone is because you have misconceived notions about yourself. If you had a more open mind and started dating men you don't think are hot enough for you, to see if you have other things in common, you wouldn't be alone right now.

    Men always have a higher opinion of themselves then what the reality is, women lower then what reality is , so men choose to go after guys they perceive are in their league which is usually never the case.

    So hence it's your own biases that left you alone.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 05, 2014 8:34 PM GMT
    chitown31210 saidI appreciate the sincere response, thank you. But I need some guidance on how to accomplish these things, like a good book or a good guide to follow...I feel like I've been in a endless loop doing the same thing over and over again with no results or at least none that I'm satisfied with.

    In terms of my profession, I'm a software developer currently working full time and doing my masters degree in parallel in software engineering.


    Excellent. Glad to hear you have your work and educational situation in order. Your health and wellness are important but if you don't have the ability to support yourself, it would be a little hard to invest in the fitness scene (beyond working out at home).

    Someone commented above about your career being less important than your being in shape. I absolutely disagree, all should come about hand in hand.

    As far as getting a "guide" to improve, a guide on life can be a little hard to find, I would just encourage you to follow some of the same principles you adopted with your educational pursuits and make your workout goals realistic and attainable and work them on a daily basis. I have no doubt you can be successful.
  • 5100s

    Posts: 188

    Dec 05, 2014 9:03 PM GMT
    To be honest, you need to read what you wrote above and think about whether you'd like to be involved with the man who wrote that. The answer is probably "no".

    Decide to try to be the man you want other people to be. You won't change all at once or dramatically, but slowly you will see small improvements in your life and a few years down the road you'll be in a much better place than you are now.
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    Dec 05, 2014 9:04 PM GMT
    First off, I think you need to reorganize your thought patterns. Be CONFIDENT. Stop dwelling on the negative and look at the positive aspects in your life. You're only (almost) 32 years old. You are still in the prime of your life. The world is still your "Oyster". Rejection happens in the dating scene, and trust me when I say I can sympathize with you about how much that sucks. But both of us just have to keep on truckin.

    Secondly, in regards to you exercising, I think a work-out buddy would be beneficial for you. Find a friend or a family member who might be willing to exercise with you. That way exercising becomes a fun experience and your'e prone to want to do it more. IF you cant find another person to work-out with, then try to create a routine that you enjoy. I personally love jumping jacks and riding my bike. More fun = Less self-conscious thoughts (in my opinion).

    And thirdly, and this is mostly off topic, I think it might also be a bit beneficial to have a gay friend. Its definitely not a necessity. But who has better understanding of gay life, then the life of another like-minded gay?
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    Dec 05, 2014 9:13 PM GMT
    Software Engineers are not great at emotions and people. Plus your holding down a full time employ and going to school. Even for the best of situations you would not have time for a major boy friend. Most relationships are a lot of work. Even more work for a software engineer. Concentrate on your school, you are sooo blessed.

    if your looking for a relationship you might start filling out the profile at realjock. I know its a junk site but...

    Open up your boy friend requirements, dont just look for a copy of yourself. Stick with the basics; respect, trust, communication. What could each partner bring to the table that makes it a functional house hold.


    a reasonable goal to fix things:
    look for a gym partner, the only requirement is he is the regular reliable type that shows up at the same time ever day. Gay or straight he is a respectful regular guy.


    the holidays puts a lot of stress on feelings where we all should look at what things we have to be thankful for.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2014 9:41 PM GMT
    Chittown.First let me say I am a 5'6 guy with totally avg looks who nabbed a really hot latino.That being said maybe you are aiming way above your level.Everybody would like to marry Jared Leto,Colin Farrell,Charlie Hunnam,James Franco.But based on your looks you have to be realistic.If you are just a reg lookin dude then focus on dressing really well,getting a good haircut,having clear skin (facials etc) and keeping in shape.Dont act too desperate.A lil aloofness works wonders sometime.Happy Holidays.
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    Dec 05, 2014 10:22 PM GMT
    Try to find a physical activity that you enjoy a lot ... then you'll keep doing it. And immerse yourself it in ... so if it's running for example make that a hobby by subscribing to magazines, participating in races and runs, etc.

    To lose weight simply eat fewer calories than you burn. It's easy to do. Just stop eating before you feel completely full ... leave a little bit of food on your plate. If you do this the pounds come off automatically.

    I heard on the radio today that a 12-hour daily fast helps with weight reduction by altering metabolism, so continual snacking is not good.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Dec 05, 2014 10:25 PM GMT
    OP, you basically need to make the decision that you're gonna get yourself in shape. It's completely up to you and no one can do it for you.

    Going to the gym and "lifting" is such a huge waste of your time right now because:
    1. you're prob not even doing it right
    2. Lifting doesn't exactly slim you down

    You need to start off doing intensive cardio and moving that mass of flesh and bones u call your body.
    May I recommend you start running? Like consistently...no matter the weather, the temperature, your emotional state...u should just start running. Just put on some running shoes and just walk out your door and go for a run.... Dont set any goals or time limits your first time, just see how far you can do a steady, albeit slow-ish pace without stopping..... Once you've reached your stopping point.... take note of it and build upon that. If u dont currently run you'll be sore as fuck for a few days after, but power through it you're not gonna die. Even if u can only run around the block...fine, start off with that and build up to two blocks, three blocks, etc... a half mile a mile and on and on.

    Each day, make it a motherfucking point to go for a run... You'll begin to notice that you won't feel as tired and worn out at that spot u used to have to stop at... your body is beginning to respond. great!

    Next, slowly increase the distance you run and slowly up the pace a bit... condition your body, take long deep breaths in thru your nose and exhale out through ur pie hole... You may end up breaking a sweat, but not to worry, that's normal.

    Just make it a point to get out there and move... even doing like spin claases or zumba might be a good idea too. Mix it up. Do like 2 or three spin claases a week and 2 or 3 days of running. Maybe throw in some other cardio stuff too. Idk what your actual goals are tho.

    Also, I suggest you eat really good. Fresh veggies, fruits, lean proteins. Avoid stuff high in sugar and salt, avoid cheap, sodium rich food i.e. fast-foods, processsed frozen foods, etc... Eat fresh, eat "clean"..

    again tho, all this shit is up to you. you're either gonna do it or not. If u do it and STAY committed to it you'll see results. If you let negativity and a shitty attitude ruin it for you....you'll never see the results u want.

    and im sorry, but i gotta comment on this whole resentment u feel toward gay men and men that are prob in better shape than you..... dont be a hater...let that motivate you. You're never gonna attract every motherfucker out there, but if u look and feel good about yourself u may end up snaggin a slam-piece here and there. Don't envy and be all resentful toward men that are not attracted to you.... That's not cute and to be brutally honest, they're prob not attracted to you because it shows that u put no real effort in to yourself like they probably do. U have to like, be what you wanna date... U want attractive men to notice you? Then be fucking hot....U want a hot body? U better work, bitch...
  • Jon_Alex

    Posts: 44

    Dec 05, 2014 10:55 PM GMT
    I HATE gyms. I set up my own workout room in my house: free weights, barbell, power rack, adjustable bench, etc. I've been working out mildly for about 1 year, and now do it about twice a week. I'm seeing minor changes, and I'm happy with that.

    Trainers are totally unnecessary for the average person. Watch YOUTUBE. Search squatRX and learn how to do squats on a rack. Takes 15 min. Three sets: one warm up (very light), medium, then up to max as long as you can do 6 reps. If you do exercises like this 2-3 times per week with proper form and heavy weight, you will after a period find yourself eating more (if you are skinny).

    I've realized that it has to be a LIFESTYLE. You have to enjoy something. If you hate it then switch to something else and just keep doing it like it's as much a part of your life as eating or drinking.

    Sleep 8 hours a night. Write down what you want out of a dating site. Write down how to get it: what kinds of guys to look for, what limitations are you setting, etc. Specifics.
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    Dec 06, 2014 5:29 AM GMT
    I've known some very lonely guys, straight and gay, who stay single because they insist they can only be attracted to partners who are out of their league. And then in the rare moment they score a date with the perfect physique, they get rejected for being too emotionally compromised. And even when they don't get rejected the hotty new partner turns out to be crazy.

    The point is you need to work on getting your internal house in order. This is even harder than getting a great physique, but the benefits are far better. Start by admitting the pointlessness of worrying about what other people think of your body. Start by admitting the pointlessness of only valuing physical beauty in a partner. Think more about the benefits of a loving relationship even if that person looks a bit more like you. From much experience I can promise you that having sex with guys who have perfect physiques is not nearly as gratifying as you are imagining it to be. I promise you that achieving this will not make you happy. In the end we always have to live with ourselves, no matter our circumstance. So learn how to get along with you, to enjoy your own company, and to give yourself the kind of TLC you would give someone you love. And if you are not the kind of guy who gives TLC to others, start doing that too.

    If you do those things you will find that everything is easier. And even if you never marry the perfect body, you will have had a gratifying and meaningful life along the way.
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    Dec 06, 2014 7:20 AM GMT
    chitown31210 said
    bon_pan saidYou really want some advice?

    How about you get yer fat ass off the couch and run around the block a few times?

    Getting in shape has nothing to do with how many personal trainers you can afford to hire. And hating on gays isn't particularly helpful.

    Stop feeling sorry for yourself.


    Your response isn't helpful either...


    Wrong. His advice is probably the most helpful advice you're going to get. Stop looking for someone to coddle you. Stop looking for someone to validate your living as a "victim". You're only a victim of yourself.

    And I agree with HottJoe's post. If the guys to whom you are attracted are in good shape, would you expect them to be attracted to someone else in shape? Of course. That's honestly just common sense. And your unwillingness to offer them a guy in decent shape is a form of selfishness. Look, they put in the hard work. The least you can do is reciprocate. You say you "don't know where to begin" with fitness. Really? Have you ever heard of google and youtube? Here. Go to this guy's youtube channel. He's amazing and believes in flexible eating. Seriously, I love his attitude and his approach. AND IT'S FREE! https://www.youtube.com/user/MichaelKoryFitness

    Sorry if I sound harsh. But I've had to be harsh on myself after playing the victim for half my life. I know you can make the changes in your physical appearance and your psychological approach. But you've got to believe in yourself and your ability to make these changes without needing someone to hold your hand through it. It's all up to you and only you, my friend.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Dec 06, 2014 9:25 AM GMT
    warrior1234 saidI have to admit I feel the same way you feel about yourself. I'm 26 years old now and to be honest I really don't see myself ever dating a guy or even having sex with a guy that I find attractive.

    I suffer from depression and I have major anxiety issues. I'm seeing a therapist at the moment and have refused to take anti depressants because once you get off them you'll start feeling low again.

    I'm currently unemployed and am not fit for work just yet because of my issues but I have decided to use the time to get an education. I've been unemployed for almost a year now and have used this time to pass my GCSE English and Computerised Bookkeeping Course Level 1 (Sage 50). After that I passed my AAT in accountancy level 1. I am now currently doing GCSE Maths and AAT in accountancy level 2. For my AAT level there are 5 modules to complete. I've passed the first two but the third is very tough and I really don't see me passing this module.

    As soon as my AAT Level 2 course is out of the way I'm going to have to look for work and get back into the game again.

    I'm proud of some of the things that I've accomplished in the past few months. This is because usually me and education never click. I failed in all of my subjects back when I used to attend secondary school. So it's good that I'm showing progress now with my education and studies. But I've also noticed that I am feeling more and more depressed and hating myself a lot more these days. I also keep having negative thoughts for some reason.

    I'm also attracted to men in good shape which is just pointless for me because I am not in good shape myself.


    I found going to school much more difficult and stressful than working. If you are succeeding academically now, you may find working less stressful than taking classes.

    From your pics, you don't seem to be in bad shape. We can't all look like Olympic champions and it is possible to be attractive without being an award winning bodybuilder.